Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Ok then, here's plenty of fuel to keep the thread going
A dry cleaner was excused by a court jury the other day because he claimed his business was very pressing
- "Waiter, Waiter, whats wrong with these eggs?"
"Dont ask me sir, I only laid the table"
- "How long will the next bus be?"
"About 6 metres"
- Policeman: "This is a one-way street"
Motorist: "That's all right - I'm only going one way"
- Marriage is like a 3-ring circus - the engagment ring, then the wedding ring, and finally, the suffering
- "I just got a lovely french poodle for my wife"
"I wish I could get a trade-in like that"
- "Dad, there's a man at the door with a moustache"
"Tell him I've got one"
- "Doctor, about those tablets you gave me to build up my strength - well, I can't get the lid off the bottle"
- How do you use an Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in
- What comes out of a wardrobe at 100MPH?
Stirling Moth
- "Anything you say in court may be held against you"
"Kylie Minogue"
- "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business, and yesterday caught him kissing one of the models"
"Well, so what?"
"You don't understand - I make men's clothes!"
- How do porcupines make love?
Very carefully
- "You were driving at 75MPH, miss"
"Isn't that marvellous officer? And I only passed my test yesterday!"
- "My wife says she'll leave me if I don't give up following Man Utd"
"Oh, I'm sorry"
"So am I - I'll miss her"
- Did you hear about the man who couldn't tell putty from porridge? All his windows fell out.
- Then there was the Irishman who tried shoplifting and stole a free sample
- Bookseller: "This excellent book will do half you homework"
Schoolboy: "I'll take two!"
- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100"
Partner: "Concentrate on Heaven - you've moved enough earth already!"
- Man at concert: "Did I stand on your toes when I went out?
" Yes, you did"
"Good - I'm back in the right seat"
- Why don't elephants eat penguins?
They can't get the wrappers off
- "Why do you call your dog Buttons?"
"He's often attatched to trousers"
- Husband phoning from pub: "Yes, I know I said I'd be home after six, but I haven't finished my fourth yet"
- Voice on phone: "Jimmy won't be coming to school today - he's ill"
Teacher: "That's all right. Who's speaking?"
Voice: "My father, Sir"
- "I went fishing with my wife yesterday"
"Any luck?"
"No - I'm going back to using worms"
- "Are you sure this alarm clock is shock-proof? It's got to come face to face with the wife every morning."
- What swings through a sweet shop yodelling?
Tarzipan
- Wife: "Did you know that most accident happen in the kitchen?"
Husband: "I know - I have to eat them"
- "I don't know whether to be a painter or a poet"
"I suggest a painter"
"You've seen one of my paintings?"
"No, I've read one of your poems"
- Attendant in chamber of horrors: "Kindly keep your wife moving sir - we're stock-taking"
- "I've borrowed my neighbour's bagpipes"
"But you can't play the bagpipes"
"Neither can he while I've got them"
- Man at the dentist's: "How much is it for you to remove a tooth?"
Dentist: "£85"
Man: "That's a bit much - how about without anaesthetic?"
Dentist: "It'll be very painful, but I can knock £5 off"
Man: "How about if you let a trainee dentist do it as a demonstration for the rest of the trainees?"
Dentist: "Ok, but I really can't guarantee the work, and it's very risky, but I could do it for £20"
Man: "That's all right. So, can I just confirm - an appointment on Wednesday for the wife..."
- What's black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a sub-machine gun
- "My wife drives me to drink"
"You're lucky - I have to walk!"
- Then there was the Chinese newspaper reporter who burst into the office yelling "Hold the back page!"
- "Does this train stop at Dublin?"
"Yes it does - get off 3 stations before me and you'll be there"
- What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies
- "Lovely weather we're having at the moment" said one fortune teller to the other.
"Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2015"
- A man is speeding down a motorway, and is seen by a police officer who sets off in pursuit. The man carries on driving, and it is only after 10 minutes that he finally gives up and pulls over. The police officer says, "It's Friday afternoon, and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me an excuse for speeding and failing to stop when pursued that I've never heard before, I'll let you off. The man says, "Well, my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was afraid you were bringing her back"
- "Is that Dublin double-two, double-two?
"No, this is Dublin 2222"
"Oh, sorry to have bothered you"
"That's all right - the phone was ringing anyway"
- "Now, miss what gear were you in at the time of the accident?"
"Let me see officer - blue skirt, white jumper and tan boots"
- Crossword fan: "I've been trying to think of a word for 2 weeks"
"How about "Fortnight" "
- "I've come to collect the reward for returning your budgie"
"But that's not a budgie - it's a cat"
"I know - the budgie's inside it"
- "I'm going to the doctors - I don't like the look of my wife"
"I'll come with you - I hate the sight of mine"
- When a fire broke out in the Chelsea boardroom, the director shouted "Quick, save the cups", and everone ran to the canteen.
- A blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify yourself?", asked the cashier. The woman opened her handbag, looked in a mirror and said "Yes, it's me all right"
- Passenger: "How often do aircraft of this type crash?"
Pilot: "Only once, madam"
- Teacher: "When the barometer falls, what does that tell us?"
Pupil: "The nail's come out of the wall, miss"
- "Dad, is it true we're descended from apes?"
"Dunno son - I've never met any of your mother's relations"
- "Do you think I should put more fire in my poetry?"
"No, I think you should put more of your poetry in the fire"
- What's wrapped in greaseproof paper and hangs around French cathedrals?
The Lunchpack of Notre Dame
- "Our rates are £5 a night, bed and breakfast, or £4 if you make your own bed"
"Very well, I'll make the bed"
"Here's the saw and hammer - help yourself to some nails"
- "What happens to a footballer when his eyesight fails, Dad?"
"He becomes a referee"
- Police officer: "Excuse me sir, you don't seem to have any rear lights on your car"
Motorist: "Never mind the car, officer - where's my flipping caravan?"
- "Did you know your wife fell out of the car four miles back?"
"Thank God for that - I thought I'd gone deaf!"
- Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words
A dry cleaner was excused by a court jury the other day because he claimed his business was very pressing
- "Waiter, Waiter, whats wrong with these eggs?"
"Dont ask me sir, I only laid the table"
- "How long will the next bus be?"
"About 6 metres"
- Policeman: "This is a one-way street"
Motorist: "That's all right - I'm only going one way"
- Marriage is like a 3-ring circus - the engagment ring, then the wedding ring, and finally, the suffering
- "I just got a lovely french poodle for my wife"
"I wish I could get a trade-in like that"
- "Dad, there's a man at the door with a moustache"
"Tell him I've got one"
- "Doctor, about those tablets you gave me to build up my strength - well, I can't get the lid off the bottle"
- How do you use an Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in
- What comes out of a wardrobe at 100MPH?
Stirling Moth
- "Anything you say in court may be held against you"
"Kylie Minogue"
- "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business, and yesterday caught him kissing one of the models"
"Well, so what?"
"You don't understand - I make men's clothes!"
- How do porcupines make love?
Very carefully
- "You were driving at 75MPH, miss"
"Isn't that marvellous officer? And I only passed my test yesterday!"
- "My wife says she'll leave me if I don't give up following Man Utd"
"Oh, I'm sorry"
"So am I - I'll miss her"
- Did you hear about the man who couldn't tell putty from porridge? All his windows fell out.
- Then there was the Irishman who tried shoplifting and stole a free sample
- Bookseller: "This excellent book will do half you homework"
Schoolboy: "I'll take two!"
- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100"
Partner: "Concentrate on Heaven - you've moved enough earth already!"
- Man at concert: "Did I stand on your toes when I went out?
" Yes, you did"
"Good - I'm back in the right seat"
- Why don't elephants eat penguins?
They can't get the wrappers off
- "Why do you call your dog Buttons?"
"He's often attatched to trousers"
- Husband phoning from pub: "Yes, I know I said I'd be home after six, but I haven't finished my fourth yet"
- Voice on phone: "Jimmy won't be coming to school today - he's ill"
Teacher: "That's all right. Who's speaking?"
Voice: "My father, Sir"
- "I went fishing with my wife yesterday"
"Any luck?"
"No - I'm going back to using worms"
- "Are you sure this alarm clock is shock-proof? It's got to come face to face with the wife every morning."
- What swings through a sweet shop yodelling?
Tarzipan
- Wife: "Did you know that most accident happen in the kitchen?"
Husband: "I know - I have to eat them"
- "I don't know whether to be a painter or a poet"
"I suggest a painter"
"You've seen one of my paintings?"
"No, I've read one of your poems"
- Attendant in chamber of horrors: "Kindly keep your wife moving sir - we're stock-taking"
- "I've borrowed my neighbour's bagpipes"
"But you can't play the bagpipes"
"Neither can he while I've got them"
- Man at the dentist's: "How much is it for you to remove a tooth?"
Dentist: "£85"
Man: "That's a bit much - how about without anaesthetic?"
Dentist: "It'll be very painful, but I can knock £5 off"
Man: "How about if you let a trainee dentist do it as a demonstration for the rest of the trainees?"
Dentist: "Ok, but I really can't guarantee the work, and it's very risky, but I could do it for £20"
Man: "That's all right. So, can I just confirm - an appointment on Wednesday for the wife..."
- What's black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a sub-machine gun
- "My wife drives me to drink"
"You're lucky - I have to walk!"
- Then there was the Chinese newspaper reporter who burst into the office yelling "Hold the back page!"
- "Does this train stop at Dublin?"
"Yes it does - get off 3 stations before me and you'll be there"
- What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies
- "Lovely weather we're having at the moment" said one fortune teller to the other.
"Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2015"
- A man is speeding down a motorway, and is seen by a police officer who sets off in pursuit. The man carries on driving, and it is only after 10 minutes that he finally gives up and pulls over. The police officer says, "It's Friday afternoon, and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me an excuse for speeding and failing to stop when pursued that I've never heard before, I'll let you off. The man says, "Well, my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was afraid you were bringing her back"
- "Is that Dublin double-two, double-two?
"No, this is Dublin 2222"
"Oh, sorry to have bothered you"
"That's all right - the phone was ringing anyway"
- "Now, miss what gear were you in at the time of the accident?"
"Let me see officer - blue skirt, white jumper and tan boots"
- Crossword fan: "I've been trying to think of a word for 2 weeks"
"How about "Fortnight" "
- "I've come to collect the reward for returning your budgie"
"But that's not a budgie - it's a cat"
"I know - the budgie's inside it"
- "I'm going to the doctors - I don't like the look of my wife"
"I'll come with you - I hate the sight of mine"
- When a fire broke out in the Chelsea boardroom, the director shouted "Quick, save the cups", and everone ran to the canteen.
- A blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify yourself?", asked the cashier. The woman opened her handbag, looked in a mirror and said "Yes, it's me all right"
- Passenger: "How often do aircraft of this type crash?"
Pilot: "Only once, madam"
- Teacher: "When the barometer falls, what does that tell us?"
Pupil: "The nail's come out of the wall, miss"
- "Dad, is it true we're descended from apes?"
"Dunno son - I've never met any of your mother's relations"
- "Do you think I should put more fire in my poetry?"
"No, I think you should put more of your poetry in the fire"
- What's wrapped in greaseproof paper and hangs around French cathedrals?
The Lunchpack of Notre Dame
- "Our rates are £5 a night, bed and breakfast, or £4 if you make your own bed"
"Very well, I'll make the bed"
"Here's the saw and hammer - help yourself to some nails"
- "What happens to a footballer when his eyesight fails, Dad?"
"He becomes a referee"
- Police officer: "Excuse me sir, you don't seem to have any rear lights on your car"
Motorist: "Never mind the car, officer - where's my flipping caravan?"
- "Did you know your wife fell out of the car four miles back?"
"Thank God for that - I thought I'd gone deaf!"
- Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words
ChemicalChaos said:
Ok then, here's plenty of fuel to keep the thread going
A dry cleaner was excused by a court jury the other day because he claimed his business was very pressing
- "Waiter, Waiter, whats wrong with these eggs?"
"Dont ask me sir, I only laid the table"
- "How long will the next bus be?"
"About 6 metres"
- Policeman: "This is a one-way street"
Motorist: "That's all right - I'm only going one way"
- Marriage is like a 3-ring circus - the engagment ring, then the wedding ring, and finally, the suffering
- "I just got a lovely french poodle for my wife"
"I wish I could get a trade-in like that"
- "Dad, there's a man at the door with a moustache"
"Tell him I've got one"
- "Doctor, about those tablets you gave me to build up my strength - well, I can't get the lid off the bottle"
- How do you use an Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in
- What comes out of a wardrobe at 100MPH?
Stirling Moth
- "Anything you say in court may be held against you"
"Kylie Minogue"
- "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business, and yesterday caught him kissing one of the models"
"Well, so what?"
"You don't understand - I make men's clothes!"
- How do porcupines make love?
Very carefully
- "You were driving at 75MPH, miss"
"Isn't that marvellous officer? And I only passed my test yesterday!"
- "My wife says she'll leave me if I don't give up following Man Utd"
"Oh, I'm sorry"
"So am I - I'll miss her"
- Did you hear about the man who couldn't tell putty from porridge? All his windows fell out.
- Then there was the Irishman who tried shoplifting and stole a free sample
- Bookseller: "This excellent book will do half you homework"
Schoolboy: "I'll take two!"
- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100"
Partner: "Concentrate on Heaven - you've moved enough earth already!"
- Man at concert: "Did I stand on your toes when I went out?
" Yes, you did"
"Good - I'm back in the right seat"
- Why don't elephants eat penguins?
They can't get the wrappers off
- "Why do you call your dog Buttons?"
"He's often attatched to trousers"
- Husband phoning from pub: "Yes, I know I said I'd be home after six, but I haven't finished my fourth yet"
- Voice on phone: "Jimmy won't be coming to school today - he's ill"
Teacher: "That's all right. Who's speaking?"
Voice: "My father, Sir"
- "I went fishing with my wife yesterday"
"Any luck?"
"No - I'm going back to using worms"
- "Are you sure this alarm clock is shock-proof? It's got to come face to face with the wife every morning."
- What swings through a sweet shop yodelling?
Tarzipan
- Wife: "Did you know that most accident happen in the kitchen?"
Husband: "I know - I have to eat them"
- "I don't know whether to be a painter or a poet"
"I suggest a painter"
"You've seen one of my paintings?"
"No, I've read one of your poems"
- Attendant in chamber of horrors: "Kindly keep your wife moving sir - we're stock-taking"
- "I've borrowed my neighbour's bagpipes"
"But you can't play the bagpipes"
"Neither can he while I've got them"
- Man at the dentist's: "How much is it for you to remove a tooth?"
Dentist: "£85"
Man: "That's a bit much - how about without anaesthetic?"
Dentist: "It'll be very painful, but I can knock £5 off"
Man: "How about if you let a trainee dentist do it as a demonstration for the rest of the trainees?"
Dentist: "Ok, but I really can't guarantee the work, and it's very risky, but I could do it for £20"
Man: "That's all right. So, can I just confirm - an appointment on Wednesday for the wife..."
- What's black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a sub-machine gun
- "My wife drives me to drink"
"You're lucky - I have to walk!"
- Then there was the Chinese newspaper reporter who burst into the office yelling "Hold the back page!"
- "Does this train stop at Dublin?"
"Yes it does - get off 3 stations before me and you'll be there"
- What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies
- "Lovely weather we're having at the moment" said one fortune teller to the other.
"Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2015"
- A man is speeding down a motorway, and is seen by a police officer who sets off in pursuit. The man carries on driving, and it is only after 10 minutes that he finally gives up and pulls over. The police officer says, "It's Friday afternoon, and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me an excuse for speeding and failing to stop when pursued that I've never heard before, I'll let you off. The man says, "Well, my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was afraid you were bringing her back"
- "Is that Dublin double-two, double-two?
"No, this is Dublin 2222"
"Oh, sorry to have bothered you"
"That's all right - the phone was ringing anyway"
- "Now, miss what gear were you in at the time of the accident?"
"Let me see officer - blue skirt, white jumper and tan boots"
- Crossword fan: "I've been trying to think of a word for 2 weeks"
"How about "Fortnight" "
- "I've come to collect the reward for returning your budgie"
"But that's not a budgie - it's a cat"
"I know - the budgie's inside it"
- "I'm going to the doctors - I don't like the look of my wife"
"I'll come with you - I hate the sight of mine"
- When a fire broke out in the Chelsea boardroom, the director shouted "Quick, save the cups", and everone ran to the canteen.
- A blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify yourself?", asked the cashier. The woman opened her handbag, looked in a mirror and said "Yes, it's me all right"
- Passenger: "How often do aircraft of this type crash?"
Pilot: "Only once, madam"
- Teacher: "When the barometer falls, what does that tell us?"
Pupil: "The nail's come out of the wall, miss"
- "Dad, is it true we're descended from apes?"
"Dunno son - I've never met any of your mother's relations"
- "Do you think I should put more fire in my poetry?"
"No, I think you should put more of your poetry in the fire"
- What's wrapped in greaseproof paper and hangs around French cathedrals?
The Lunchpack of Notre Dame
- "Our rates are £5 a night, bed and breakfast, or £4 if you make your own bed"
"Very well, I'll make the bed"
"Here's the saw and hammer - help yourself to some nails"
- "What happens to a footballer when his eyesight fails, Dad?"
"He becomes a referee"
- Police officer: "Excuse me sir, you don't seem to have any rear lights on your car"
Motorist: "Never mind the car, officer - where's my flipping caravan?"
- "Did you know your wife fell out of the car four miles back?"
"Thank God for that - I thought I'd gone deaf!"
- Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words
Well, that's my very slow Easter Monday taken care of.................A dry cleaner was excused by a court jury the other day because he claimed his business was very pressing
- "Waiter, Waiter, whats wrong with these eggs?"
"Dont ask me sir, I only laid the table"
- "How long will the next bus be?"
"About 6 metres"
- Policeman: "This is a one-way street"
Motorist: "That's all right - I'm only going one way"
- Marriage is like a 3-ring circus - the engagment ring, then the wedding ring, and finally, the suffering
- "I just got a lovely french poodle for my wife"
"I wish I could get a trade-in like that"
- "Dad, there's a man at the door with a moustache"
"Tell him I've got one"
- "Doctor, about those tablets you gave me to build up my strength - well, I can't get the lid off the bottle"
- How do you use an Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in
- What comes out of a wardrobe at 100MPH?
Stirling Moth
- "Anything you say in court may be held against you"
"Kylie Minogue"
- "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business, and yesterday caught him kissing one of the models"
"Well, so what?"
"You don't understand - I make men's clothes!"
- How do porcupines make love?
Very carefully
- "You were driving at 75MPH, miss"
"Isn't that marvellous officer? And I only passed my test yesterday!"
- "My wife says she'll leave me if I don't give up following Man Utd"
"Oh, I'm sorry"
"So am I - I'll miss her"
- Did you hear about the man who couldn't tell putty from porridge? All his windows fell out.
- Then there was the Irishman who tried shoplifting and stole a free sample
- Bookseller: "This excellent book will do half you homework"
Schoolboy: "I'll take two!"
- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100"
Partner: "Concentrate on Heaven - you've moved enough earth already!"
- Man at concert: "Did I stand on your toes when I went out?
" Yes, you did"
"Good - I'm back in the right seat"
- Why don't elephants eat penguins?
They can't get the wrappers off
- "Why do you call your dog Buttons?"
"He's often attatched to trousers"
- Husband phoning from pub: "Yes, I know I said I'd be home after six, but I haven't finished my fourth yet"
- Voice on phone: "Jimmy won't be coming to school today - he's ill"
Teacher: "That's all right. Who's speaking?"
Voice: "My father, Sir"
- "I went fishing with my wife yesterday"
"Any luck?"
"No - I'm going back to using worms"
- "Are you sure this alarm clock is shock-proof? It's got to come face to face with the wife every morning."
- What swings through a sweet shop yodelling?
Tarzipan
- Wife: "Did you know that most accident happen in the kitchen?"
Husband: "I know - I have to eat them"
- "I don't know whether to be a painter or a poet"
"I suggest a painter"
"You've seen one of my paintings?"
"No, I've read one of your poems"
- Attendant in chamber of horrors: "Kindly keep your wife moving sir - we're stock-taking"
- "I've borrowed my neighbour's bagpipes"
"But you can't play the bagpipes"
"Neither can he while I've got them"
- Man at the dentist's: "How much is it for you to remove a tooth?"
Dentist: "£85"
Man: "That's a bit much - how about without anaesthetic?"
Dentist: "It'll be very painful, but I can knock £5 off"
Man: "How about if you let a trainee dentist do it as a demonstration for the rest of the trainees?"
Dentist: "Ok, but I really can't guarantee the work, and it's very risky, but I could do it for £20"
Man: "That's all right. So, can I just confirm - an appointment on Wednesday for the wife..."
- What's black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a sub-machine gun
- "My wife drives me to drink"
"You're lucky - I have to walk!"
- Then there was the Chinese newspaper reporter who burst into the office yelling "Hold the back page!"
- "Does this train stop at Dublin?"
"Yes it does - get off 3 stations before me and you'll be there"
- What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies
- "Lovely weather we're having at the moment" said one fortune teller to the other.
"Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2015"
- A man is speeding down a motorway, and is seen by a police officer who sets off in pursuit. The man carries on driving, and it is only after 10 minutes that he finally gives up and pulls over. The police officer says, "It's Friday afternoon, and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me an excuse for speeding and failing to stop when pursued that I've never heard before, I'll let you off. The man says, "Well, my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was afraid you were bringing her back"
- "Is that Dublin double-two, double-two?
"No, this is Dublin 2222"
"Oh, sorry to have bothered you"
"That's all right - the phone was ringing anyway"
- "Now, miss what gear were you in at the time of the accident?"
"Let me see officer - blue skirt, white jumper and tan boots"
- Crossword fan: "I've been trying to think of a word for 2 weeks"
"How about "Fortnight" "
- "I've come to collect the reward for returning your budgie"
"But that's not a budgie - it's a cat"
"I know - the budgie's inside it"
- "I'm going to the doctors - I don't like the look of my wife"
"I'll come with you - I hate the sight of mine"
- When a fire broke out in the Chelsea boardroom, the director shouted "Quick, save the cups", and everone ran to the canteen.
- A blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify yourself?", asked the cashier. The woman opened her handbag, looked in a mirror and said "Yes, it's me all right"
- Passenger: "How often do aircraft of this type crash?"
Pilot: "Only once, madam"
- Teacher: "When the barometer falls, what does that tell us?"
Pupil: "The nail's come out of the wall, miss"
- "Dad, is it true we're descended from apes?"
"Dunno son - I've never met any of your mother's relations"
- "Do you think I should put more fire in my poetry?"
"No, I think you should put more of your poetry in the fire"
- What's wrapped in greaseproof paper and hangs around French cathedrals?
The Lunchpack of Notre Dame
- "Our rates are £5 a night, bed and breakfast, or £4 if you make your own bed"
"Very well, I'll make the bed"
"Here's the saw and hammer - help yourself to some nails"
- "What happens to a footballer when his eyesight fails, Dad?"
"He becomes a referee"
- Police officer: "Excuse me sir, you don't seem to have any rear lights on your car"
Motorist: "Never mind the car, officer - where's my flipping caravan?"
- "Did you know your wife fell out of the car four miles back?"
"Thank God for that - I thought I'd gone deaf!"
- Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words
Watching Ben Hur and it reminded me of this old one.
In the days of the Roman Empire, the ships were manned by slaves on the oars.
A new salve joins the fleet and is sent down below to man an oar with the other slaves.
The following day, a guard walks around the slaves, giving each 6 lashes with his whip.
Then the order is given to stop rowing.
All the slaves then lean back, and piss upwards.
The new slave asks what on earth was that for, rhe slave next to him says
"It's Ceasers birthday, we always have a whip round and a piss up"
In the days of the Roman Empire, the ships were manned by slaves on the oars.
A new salve joins the fleet and is sent down below to man an oar with the other slaves.
The following day, a guard walks around the slaves, giving each 6 lashes with his whip.
Then the order is given to stop rowing.
All the slaves then lean back, and piss upwards.
The new slave asks what on earth was that for, rhe slave next to him says
"It's Ceasers birthday, we always have a whip round and a piss up"
"Waiter, Waiter, whats wrong with these eggs?"
"Dont ask me sir, I only laid the table"
Reminded me
"What would you like for breakfast, sir?" said the waiter, picking his nose.
"I'll have two boiled eggs," said the Colonel, "You can't get your fingers in those."
Thanking you, one and all, yours sincerely, Henry Hall.
I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, and from Henry's bottom also...
...Easter cabin fever!
"Dont ask me sir, I only laid the table"
Reminded me
"What would you like for breakfast, sir?" said the waiter, picking his nose.
"I'll have two boiled eggs," said the Colonel, "You can't get your fingers in those."
Thanking you, one and all, yours sincerely, Henry Hall.
I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, and from Henry's bottom also...
...Easter cabin fever!
One for the girls(do they come in here?).
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
ChrisGB said:
Laurel Green said:
One for the girls(do they come in here?).
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
Maybe mumsnet is the one true religion...EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
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