Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him ,”Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only, Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as Chief. Do I make myself clear”
“Aye, Aye Chief”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, whats you last name”
The seaman sighed “Darling, my name is John Darling, Chief”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do........."
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only, Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as Chief. Do I make myself clear”
“Aye, Aye Chief”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, whats you last name”
The seaman sighed “Darling, my name is John Darling, Chief”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do........."
Vipers said:
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him ,”Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only, Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as Chief. Do I make myself clear”
“Aye, Aye Chief”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, whats you last name”
The seaman sighed “Darling, my name is John Darling, Chief”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do........."
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only, Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as Chief. Do I make myself clear”
“Aye, Aye Chief”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, whats you last name”
The seaman sighed “Darling, my name is John Darling, Chief”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do........."
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
Pixelpeep7r said:
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
- drops phone*
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'.
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said: 'Go ahead, Father!'
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said: 'Go ahead, Father!'
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