The best insult you've ever heard
Discussion
Not an insult, more a retort I've heard 2nd hand so probably didn't happen.
Bloke is at an Airport in the small hours making a transfer, goes to the toilet that has a yellow bollard / sign outside "Cleaning in Progress". He goes in, has a piss, washes his hands when a stroppy woman cleaner turns round and says "Oi, Toilets closed for cleaning, can't you read?". He then replies "yes sweetheart I can read, which is why I'm not cleaning out a sthouse at 5 o'clock in the morning".
Bloke is at an Airport in the small hours making a transfer, goes to the toilet that has a yellow bollard / sign outside "Cleaning in Progress". He goes in, has a piss, washes his hands when a stroppy woman cleaner turns round and says "Oi, Toilets closed for cleaning, can't you read?". He then replies "yes sweetheart I can read, which is why I'm not cleaning out a sthouse at 5 o'clock in the morning".
Not really a single insult but a defiant loony stream of them found in Private Eye's a funny Old World in the 90's.
"From the transcript of a pretrial hearing that took place on May 5,in a criminal court in Adelaide, Australia,before judge Roy Grubb.In the transcript below,the prisoner is Yusuf Biyikli,a Turkish immigrant charged with "assault occasioning actual bodily harm"; Mr. Smart is the barrister for the crown.
[The charge is read]
PRISONER:Shut up,fking poofter.You poofter,
thank you.
HIS HONOUR:You just keep quiet,we will have
a word with you in a moment.
PRISONER:fk to you.All right,you poofter. All right, I fk you. That is answer.
HIS HONOUR:It is said that you assaulted-
PRISONER:fk the English,fk the colony, all right.
HIS HONOUR:If you don't shut up-
PRISONER:fk the judge too.That is not true.
HIS HONOUR:Do we assume this is a plea of not guilty?
MR.SMART:Yes,I think we can assume that.
PRISONER:I fk you,answer you,stuff you, poofter.Is that enough for you answer?
HIS HONOUR:That is no answer,but I take it as a plea of not guilty.In view of the outrageous outburst from the accused,I assume that the torrent of language from him is a plea of not guilty to each count.Remand for trial.Has someone been imprudent enough to grant a bail agreement?
MR. SMART:I hesitate to ask him
PRISONER:fk you.
HIS HONOUR:Do you wish to ask for bail?
PRISONER:You ask yourself bail,poofter. Now ask me.
HIS HONOUR:I don't have to ask.
PRISONER:fk the bail,fk Australia.
HIS HONOUR:I take it ,then, you don't wish to seek bail.
PRISONER:Stuff that.
HIS HONOUR:No application for bail,the accused is remanded for trial in custody.
PRISONER:fking bd,poofter,melon-arse.
"From the transcript of a pretrial hearing that took place on May 5,in a criminal court in Adelaide, Australia,before judge Roy Grubb.In the transcript below,the prisoner is Yusuf Biyikli,a Turkish immigrant charged with "assault occasioning actual bodily harm"; Mr. Smart is the barrister for the crown.
[The charge is read]
PRISONER:Shut up,fking poofter.You poofter,
thank you.
HIS HONOUR:You just keep quiet,we will have
a word with you in a moment.
PRISONER:fk to you.All right,you poofter. All right, I fk you. That is answer.
HIS HONOUR:It is said that you assaulted-
PRISONER:fk the English,fk the colony, all right.
HIS HONOUR:If you don't shut up-
PRISONER:fk the judge too.That is not true.
HIS HONOUR:Do we assume this is a plea of not guilty?
MR.SMART:Yes,I think we can assume that.
PRISONER:I fk you,answer you,stuff you, poofter.Is that enough for you answer?
HIS HONOUR:That is no answer,but I take it as a plea of not guilty.In view of the outrageous outburst from the accused,I assume that the torrent of language from him is a plea of not guilty to each count.Remand for trial.Has someone been imprudent enough to grant a bail agreement?
MR. SMART:I hesitate to ask him
PRISONER:fk you.
HIS HONOUR:Do you wish to ask for bail?
PRISONER:You ask yourself bail,poofter. Now ask me.
HIS HONOUR:I don't have to ask.
PRISONER:fk the bail,fk Australia.
HIS HONOUR:I take it ,then, you don't wish to seek bail.
PRISONER:Stuff that.
HIS HONOUR:No application for bail,the accused is remanded for trial in custody.
PRISONER:fking bd,poofter,melon-arse.
Two smart retorts, one I witnessed, the other I heard about.
Many years ago I went to lunch with a girl from work who was rather well stacked in the chest area (and also very pretty) - as we walked past a nearby building site, someone shouted down at her 'Oi darling, do you want to sit on my face?' to which she replied, without breaking stride 'Why? Is your nose bigger than your c0ck?'
The other was more recent - someone talking about how he and his team all grew beards for some reason or another and that he was referred to as the 'talking '. Someone was heard to say 'I don't think it was because of the beard'.
Many years ago I went to lunch with a girl from work who was rather well stacked in the chest area (and also very pretty) - as we walked past a nearby building site, someone shouted down at her 'Oi darling, do you want to sit on my face?' to which she replied, without breaking stride 'Why? Is your nose bigger than your c0ck?'
The other was more recent - someone talking about how he and his team all grew beards for some reason or another and that he was referred to as the 'talking '. Someone was heard to say 'I don't think it was because of the beard'.
captainzep said:
Not really a single insult but a defiant loony stream of them found in Private Eye's a funny Old World in the 90's.
"From the transcript of a pretrial hearing that took place on May 5,in a criminal court in Adelaide, Australia,before judge Roy Grubb.In the transcript below,the prisoner is Yusuf Biyikli,a Turkish immigrant charged with "assault occasioning actual bodily harm"; Mr. Smart is the barrister for the crown.
[The charge is read]
PRISONER:Shut up,fking poofter.You poofter,
thank you.
HIS HONOUR:You just keep quiet,we will have
a word with you in a moment.
PRISONER:fk to you.All right,you poofter. All right, I fk you. That is answer.
HIS HONOUR:It is said that you assaulted-
PRISONER:fk the English,fk the colony, all right.
HIS HONOUR:If you don't shut up-
PRISONER:fk the judge too.That is not true.
HIS HONOUR:Do we assume this is a plea of not guilty?
MR.SMART:Yes,I think we can assume that.
PRISONER:I fk you,answer you,stuff you, poofter.Is that enough for you answer?
HIS HONOUR:That is no answer,but I take it as a plea of not guilty.In view of the outrageous outburst from the accused,I assume that the torrent of language from him is a plea of not guilty to each count.Remand for trial.Has someone been imprudent enough to grant a bail agreement?
MR. SMART:I hesitate to ask him
PRISONER:fk you.
HIS HONOUR:Do you wish to ask for bail?
PRISONER:You ask yourself bail,poofter. Now ask me.
HIS HONOUR:I don't have to ask.
PRISONER:fk the bail,fk Australia.
HIS HONOUR:I take it ,then, you don't wish to seek bail.
PRISONER:Stuff that.
HIS HONOUR:No application for bail,the accused is remanded for trial in custody.
PRISONER:fking bd,poofter,melon-arse.
Not happy, I'm guessing..."From the transcript of a pretrial hearing that took place on May 5,in a criminal court in Adelaide, Australia,before judge Roy Grubb.In the transcript below,the prisoner is Yusuf Biyikli,a Turkish immigrant charged with "assault occasioning actual bodily harm"; Mr. Smart is the barrister for the crown.
[The charge is read]
PRISONER:Shut up,fking poofter.You poofter,
thank you.
HIS HONOUR:You just keep quiet,we will have
a word with you in a moment.
PRISONER:fk to you.All right,you poofter. All right, I fk you. That is answer.
HIS HONOUR:It is said that you assaulted-
PRISONER:fk the English,fk the colony, all right.
HIS HONOUR:If you don't shut up-
PRISONER:fk the judge too.That is not true.
HIS HONOUR:Do we assume this is a plea of not guilty?
MR.SMART:Yes,I think we can assume that.
PRISONER:I fk you,answer you,stuff you, poofter.Is that enough for you answer?
HIS HONOUR:That is no answer,but I take it as a plea of not guilty.In view of the outrageous outburst from the accused,I assume that the torrent of language from him is a plea of not guilty to each count.Remand for trial.Has someone been imprudent enough to grant a bail agreement?
MR. SMART:I hesitate to ask him
PRISONER:fk you.
HIS HONOUR:Do you wish to ask for bail?
PRISONER:You ask yourself bail,poofter. Now ask me.
HIS HONOUR:I don't have to ask.
PRISONER:fk the bail,fk Australia.
HIS HONOUR:I take it ,then, you don't wish to seek bail.
PRISONER:Stuff that.
HIS HONOUR:No application for bail,the accused is remanded for trial in custody.
PRISONER:fking bd,poofter,melon-arse.
Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer - Is there no beginning to your talents?
One of mine - we had a lazy fker at one one place I worked, widely known as Jesus on account of his long hair. Walking behind him one afternoon, he went through a swing door & let it swing in my face rather than hold it open for me. I said, did you learn your manners from your fking barber?
I know, awesome.
One of mine - we had a lazy fker at one one place I worked, widely known as Jesus on account of his long hair. Walking behind him one afternoon, he went through a swing door & let it swing in my face rather than hold it open for me. I said, did you learn your manners from your fking barber?
I know, awesome.
captainzep said:
Not really a single insult but a defiant loony stream of them found in Private Eye's a funny Old World in the 90's.
"From the transcript of a pretrial hearing that took place on May 5,in a criminal court in Adelaide, Australia,before judge Roy Grubb.In the transcript below,the prisoner is Yusuf Biyikli,a Turkish immigrant charged with "assault occasioning actual bodily harm"; Mr. Smart is the barrister for the crown.
[The charge is read]
PRISONER:Shut up,fking poofter.You poofter,
thank you.
HIS HONOUR:You just keep quiet,we will have
a word with you in a moment.
PRISONER:fk to you.All right,you poofter. All right, I fk you. That is answer.
HIS HONOUR:It is said that you assaulted-
PRISONER:fk the English,fk the colony, all right.
HIS HONOUR:If you don't shut up-
PRISONER:fk the judge too.That is not true.
HIS HONOUR:Do we assume this is a plea of not guilty?
MR.SMART:Yes,I think we can assume that.
PRISONER:I fk you,answer you,stuff you, poofter.Is that enough for you answer?
HIS HONOUR:That is no answer,but I take it as a plea of not guilty.In view of the outrageous outburst from the accused,I assume that the torrent of language from him is a plea of not guilty to each count.Remand for trial.Has someone been imprudent enough to grant a bail agreement?
MR. SMART:I hesitate to ask him
PRISONER:fk you.
HIS HONOUR:Do you wish to ask for bail?
PRISONER:You ask yourself bail,poofter. Now ask me.
HIS HONOUR:I don't have to ask.
PRISONER:fk the bail,fk Australia.
HIS HONOUR:I take it ,then, you don't wish to seek bail.
PRISONER:Stuff that.
HIS HONOUR:No application for bail,the accused is remanded for trial in custody.
PRISONER:fking bd,poofter,melon-arse.
reminds me of a local scallywag where I grew up, in the local magistrates court acting all cocky on front of his mates giving it large to anybody that would listen, Then at the sentencing the magistrate said he would be sentenced to 3 months, "I'll do that standing on me head" was the cocky reply to which the magistrate said "well do you want an extra 3 months to get back on your feet?""From the transcript of a pretrial hearing that took place on May 5,in a criminal court in Adelaide, Australia,before judge Roy Grubb.In the transcript below,the prisoner is Yusuf Biyikli,a Turkish immigrant charged with "assault occasioning actual bodily harm"; Mr. Smart is the barrister for the crown.
[The charge is read]
PRISONER:Shut up,fking poofter.You poofter,
thank you.
HIS HONOUR:You just keep quiet,we will have
a word with you in a moment.
PRISONER:fk to you.All right,you poofter. All right, I fk you. That is answer.
HIS HONOUR:It is said that you assaulted-
PRISONER:fk the English,fk the colony, all right.
HIS HONOUR:If you don't shut up-
PRISONER:fk the judge too.That is not true.
HIS HONOUR:Do we assume this is a plea of not guilty?
MR.SMART:Yes,I think we can assume that.
PRISONER:I fk you,answer you,stuff you, poofter.Is that enough for you answer?
HIS HONOUR:That is no answer,but I take it as a plea of not guilty.In view of the outrageous outburst from the accused,I assume that the torrent of language from him is a plea of not guilty to each count.Remand for trial.Has someone been imprudent enough to grant a bail agreement?
MR. SMART:I hesitate to ask him
PRISONER:fk you.
HIS HONOUR:Do you wish to ask for bail?
PRISONER:You ask yourself bail,poofter. Now ask me.
HIS HONOUR:I don't have to ask.
PRISONER:fk the bail,fk Australia.
HIS HONOUR:I take it ,then, you don't wish to seek bail.
PRISONER:Stuff that.
HIS HONOUR:No application for bail,the accused is remanded for trial in custody.
PRISONER:fking bd,poofter,melon-arse.
I'm not sure what the actual outcome was as there were two different versions one that said it turns out the magistrate couldn't do that, and the other that said eh started being nice to the bench. I suspect the first version was his own and the second was of those watching. He did only do 3 months though.
One of my Mothers, and now my, favourite insults. I was about 11 when i first heard it, although i didn't really understand it until i was a bit older.
Me and my mother were coming back from the Science Museum and we'd missed our connection at Richmond. The 30 minute wait turned into the occasional treat of a burger and chips at Macdonalds (the stty one right near Richmond station), as it is about 7:30pm on a Saturday there are a few "yoofs" about generally being little s.
As we walk to a table with me holding the tray of food and Mother striding ahead one of the little stes pushes a chair out in front of her, nothing serious just a little "fk ya" to the posh looking woman.
Sadly for him although she looked every bit the middle class, polite non-confrontational officers wife she had in fact grown up in a dog-rough fishing village on the East coast of Scotland before Uni in Glasgow where she mastered the imitation Govan accent, without breaking stride she fking hoofs the chair out of the way sending it flying into another table and in the thickest Govan accent she can muster turns to the now slightly terrified lads and says,
"I bet your mouth bleeds every 28days you little gobste, now fk off!"
11yo me was pretty was pretty shocked my mother swore, when 13yo me figured out the true depth of the insult i was very amused.
Edit to add after seeing the above story, my Mother is a bloody JP now. If you hear of any rude, sarcastic and offensive tales of a Surrey Magistrate with a Scottish accent they might have some basis.
Me and my mother were coming back from the Science Museum and we'd missed our connection at Richmond. The 30 minute wait turned into the occasional treat of a burger and chips at Macdonalds (the stty one right near Richmond station), as it is about 7:30pm on a Saturday there are a few "yoofs" about generally being little s.
As we walk to a table with me holding the tray of food and Mother striding ahead one of the little stes pushes a chair out in front of her, nothing serious just a little "fk ya" to the posh looking woman.
Sadly for him although she looked every bit the middle class, polite non-confrontational officers wife she had in fact grown up in a dog-rough fishing village on the East coast of Scotland before Uni in Glasgow where she mastered the imitation Govan accent, without breaking stride she fking hoofs the chair out of the way sending it flying into another table and in the thickest Govan accent she can muster turns to the now slightly terrified lads and says,
"I bet your mouth bleeds every 28days you little gobste, now fk off!"
11yo me was pretty was pretty shocked my mother swore, when 13yo me figured out the true depth of the insult i was very amused.
Edit to add after seeing the above story, my Mother is a bloody JP now. If you hear of any rude, sarcastic and offensive tales of a Surrey Magistrate with a Scottish accent they might have some basis.
+
Buster73 said:
More of a put down , but when I served my time as a mechanic I cut my finger once , to which one of the older guys said " I've had bigger cuts on my cock "
Still never complain about small cuts to this day.
Haha, I've had this one before. Little cut on my finger and "I'VE HAD BIGGER CUTS ON MY COCK AND STILL HAD IT SUCKED!" from my older, army backrounded mate.Still never complain about small cuts to this day.
I was only a kid back then, and so a little spotty. He was asking why I hadn't asked this girl out, so I told him "because I've got a massive f*ck off spot on my face and I don't want to look a state when I do it"
And so... "IVE HAD BIGGER SPOTS ON MY COCK AND STILL HAD IT SUCKED!"
I asked her out, and she said yes! Best arse I've ever touched I swear to God.
So, cheers for that, Dave (RIP) : )
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