Match.com (Volume 6)
Discussion
Ki3r said:
Broke up with my girlfriend on Saturday...not sure if it was the right thing to do.
We were seeing each other for around two months before we got to together. She has a daughter who is five.
I love time to myself, not necessary to do anything in particular, but if I want to spend all day in bed watching Netflix I will. Or out on my bike for a couple of hours.
Those arent really habits of walk-in or paternal Dads to be honest. If you're dating a Mum of young kids, you dont really have the luxury of endless lie-ins. I think if that's what you're after, likely you're not ready to be in that sort of relationship where kids are involved so probably have done the right thing. We were seeing each other for around two months before we got to together. She has a daughter who is five.
I love time to myself, not necessary to do anything in particular, but if I want to spend all day in bed watching Netflix I will. Or out on my bike for a couple of hours.
Ki3r said:
She also had a problem with my best friend...who happens to be female. .
This has come up before for you hasnt it? While there's nothing wrong as such with having friends of either gender, it is a bit strange to have a 'best' friend of the opposite sex and wonder why a partner has an issue about it.
Enjoying a lie in is something that lots of people enjoy who go on to make great Dads. Circumstances change, you adapt and grow as a person and evolve. I don't currently have kids but would like them. I am not practising for it by waking up several times in the night like my mates with kids do lol.
Never met a male with female best friends who has proven themselves to be trustworthy.
Never met a male with female best friends who has proven themselves to be trustworthy.
Blown2CV said:
details man!
Been talking to the girl for about 3 weeks. She wasn't too chatty when we were messaging each other (hour to send reply etc). My gut instinct told me before I met her nothing would come of it. The only reason I went was to try go a double date with my friend who is dating her friend. I should add that I was the first person she met on online dating so naturally I'd imagine she was nervous. Took her to a few bars and was struggling to think of things to talk about. That was mainly because I'd hardly messaged her. I drank a few pints but by the end of the date I could tell she wasn't happy.
My mate text me this morning and told me that she thought I was a bit nervous and that I kept repeating things and spoke about the same thing. I spoke about a variety of things and to keep the conversation going I repeated the odd subject. It was kind of hard because I felt like I was putting in all the effort and because we'd hardly messaged I couldn't think of anything else to say.
I'm happy I went but she was not for me. I wrote off the date after leaving her at the train station. She reminded me of a girl I dated back in march and that didn't go well.
She also lives 25 miles away from me. I've had a relationship that distance before and it didn't work.
The main positive of going in this date is I know where I went wrong and perhaps next time I'll use different techniques. Naturally I'm going back fishing tonight so hoping to soon get a girl that lives closer to me and is a bit more chatty.
Ki3r said:
Broke up with my girlfriend on Saturday...not sure if it was the right thing to do.
We were seeing each other for around two months before we got to together. She has a daughter who is five.
She had got the whole of August off work so I was spending most of the weekend around hers and also a couple of days during the week.
I love time to myself, not necessary to do anything in particular, but if I want to spend all day in bed watching Netflix I will. Or out on my bike for a couple of hours. I felt that I was getting guilt tripped into going around hers and staying later and later when I had the day off or didn't start until the evening.
Her daughter loved being centre of attention though, and if I'm honest it got annoying towards the end. To give my ex credit though she is a fantastic parent and has done an amazing job by herself.
She also had a problem with my best friend...who happens to be female. We went on two/three dates and nothing happened but whenever I mentioned i was going out for lunch with her I'd get a sarcastic reply.
She also wants another kid before she's 30 (five years away)...i want kids but at the moment my career is coming first and I'm not sure if I'll be ready then.
Despite this...i do feel like I'm going to regret breaking up with her...a lot of it is stuff we cluld perhaps work on and we do/did get on brilliantly most the time...
A single mother with a 5 year old child is always going to have a fair amount of other priorities though, you've got to expect that when dating someone with young kids. I can't stand it when they bleat on about their kids on their dating profiles, making a point about how darling child will always come first - I'd fully expect them to put their kids first, the fact that they think they need to point it out is off putting in itself. You do sound like you'd be better off dating women who don't have young kids though, which is fair enough really - if you're not feeling paternal enough to have kids of your own, you're hardly likely to want to get involved heavily with someone else's.We were seeing each other for around two months before we got to together. She has a daughter who is five.
She had got the whole of August off work so I was spending most of the weekend around hers and also a couple of days during the week.
I love time to myself, not necessary to do anything in particular, but if I want to spend all day in bed watching Netflix I will. Or out on my bike for a couple of hours. I felt that I was getting guilt tripped into going around hers and staying later and later when I had the day off or didn't start until the evening.
Her daughter loved being centre of attention though, and if I'm honest it got annoying towards the end. To give my ex credit though she is a fantastic parent and has done an amazing job by herself.
She also had a problem with my best friend...who happens to be female. We went on two/three dates and nothing happened but whenever I mentioned i was going out for lunch with her I'd get a sarcastic reply.
She also wants another kid before she's 30 (five years away)...i want kids but at the moment my career is coming first and I'm not sure if I'll be ready then.
Despite this...i do feel like I'm going to regret breaking up with her...a lot of it is stuff we cluld perhaps work on and we do/did get on brilliantly most the time...
Having said that, I'm in a similar position, dating a single mother of a 5 year old. As the dad has never really been around (sounds like a total and utter waste of space, but I am aware I'm only hearing one side of things), and the lady I'm seeing hasn't had another relationship since, the only situation the child knows is just the two of them as a family unit. Child is obviously used to being the centre of undivided attention, and it shows massively - she absolutely can't handle it when I'm around, has her mum wrapped around her little finger. And that's made more difficult by the fact that mum won't let the child out of her sight, they're together 24/7/365, so opportunity to see each other is rather strained, only time is evenings after daughter has gone to bed. And always at her house.
Don't get me wrong, I have kids of my own, but shared care between me and my ex, so I have child free time to do dating/socialising, general adult stuff. Yet, when my kids are in my care, of course they are my absolute priority. And maybe it's because I have more than one child, and I give them a bit more space/independence, so they are not anywhere near as clingy as the this lady's only child.
This relationship started as friends with benefits arrangement, she wanted more, but I've really tried to explain that I don't. I went along with it for a while, thinking maybe my feelings would warm more towards her, but they haven't, and now I feel like I'm trying to force something that isn't really there. We've been seeing each other on and off for about a year, and now I'm pretty sure that if my feelings were going to develop they would have by now. I've tried to end it a few times, and every time she restarts chatting again after a few weeks of radio silence. I keep interpreting that as wanting to be friends (which I'd be happy with), but then I realise she thinks we're trying to rekindle the relationship. I've tried every polite (and some less polite) excuses to end it, but she just blames all the issues in our relationship on my ex, and she thinks I need saving from my past. Yes, the ex has been a bit of a trouble causer/problem, but I see that as more a bit of trivial (and inevitable) baggage due to having kids together, rather than a fundamental problem to our relationship (which she seems oblivious to or in denial about).
Every time things go quiet between us (for 2 to 3 weeks) after an disagreement/falling out, I feel a bit of relief that it's over. But she just won't let go. I wouldn't say I'm treating her badly (she goes quiet on me, not like I just ignore her messages for weeks!), but I'd really expect a girl to get the message that it isn't working, especially after I've spelled it out several times. So I'm finding it very difficult to 'be cruel to be kind', I've tried so hard to be polite about it, and she just bounces back. If I have to reason it out in cold hard facts, I know she's going to be really hurt by it.
I guess a wider thought is - what do single parents want/expect from dating/new relationships? As a dad who has his kids half the week, I've got the other half free to socialise/date without the baggage on show. I do tend to compartmentalise my life quite a bit anyway- family, friends, hobbies, all usually kept quite separate with no real overlap. Am I being overly optimistic in hoping to meet someone I have things in common with (so who's likely to have kids of her own), and be able to get to know them in a mainly child free setting? I don't want to introduce a new lady to my kids unless the relationship is a bit established and has some mileage in it.
In all honesty, I'd be quite happy to keep that situation going for a good while - we each have our separate family lives, and fitted around that, time together to do things as a couple. But it feels like that's the opposite of what most single mothers want (unless their kids are teenage or older, and that generally makes those ladies a bit old for me, at late 30's myself), the advertise that they want a man to come into their lives and take on their kids with full commitment, and almost sound like they're expecting that from the outset. I'm quite happy to date someone and work around our kid's commitments, without either of us jumping into the step parent role. But maybe I'm being optimistic?
Shore said:
Blown2CV said:
details man!
Been talking to the girl for about 3 weeks. She wasn't too chatty when we were messaging each other (hour to send reply etc). My gut instinct told me before I met her nothing would come of it. The only reason I went was to try go a double date with my friend who is dating her friend. I should add that I was the first person she met on online dating so naturally I'd imagine she was nervous. Took her to a few bars and was struggling to think of things to talk about. That was mainly because I'd hardly messaged her. I drank a few pints but by the end of the date I could tell she wasn't happy.
My mate text me this morning and told me that she thought I was a bit nervous and that I kept repeating things and spoke about the same thing. I spoke about a variety of things and to keep the conversation going I repeated the odd subject. It was kind of hard because I felt like I was putting in all the effort and because we'd hardly messaged I couldn't think of anything else to say.
I'm happy I went but she was not for me. I wrote off the date after leaving her at the train station. She reminded me of a girl I dated back in march and that didn't go well.
She also lives 25 miles away from me. I've had a relationship that distance before and it didn't work.
The main positive of going in this date is I know where I went wrong and perhaps next time I'll use different techniques. Naturally I'm going back fishing tonight so hoping to soon get a girl that lives closer to me and is a bit more chatty.
andy-xr said:
This has come up before for you hasnt it?
While there's nothing wrong as such with having friends of either gender, it is a bit strange to have a 'best' friend of the opposite sex and wonder why a partner has an issue about it.
Someone I was dating earlier in the year got funny about it as well. While there's nothing wrong as such with having friends of either gender, it is a bit strange to have a 'best' friend of the opposite sex and wonder why a partner has an issue about it.
The wanting a lie in...that wasn't worded right. When I stayed around hers I didn't mind getting up early(ish), would often wake up at 6ish with girlfriend and her daughter would wake up around 7.30, 8 at a push. It was having time to myself. She wanted me around pretty much all the time. I never had time to myself on days off. Something that is important to me.
JimmyConwayNW said:
Enjoying a lie in is something that lots of people enjoy who go on to make great Dads. Circumstances change, you adapt and grow as a person and evolve. I don't currently have kids but would like them. I am not practising for it by waking up several times in the night like my mates with kids do lol.
Never met a male with female best friends who has proven themselves to be trustworthy.
Meet me...can hand on heart say nothing will (or has) happen between me and her. Never met a male with female best friends who has proven themselves to be trustworthy.
Ki3r said:
The wanting a lie in...that wasn't worded right. When I stayed around hers I didn't mind getting up early(ish), would often wake up at 6ish with girlfriend and her daughter would wake up around 7.30, 8 at a push. It was having time to myself. She wanted me around pretty much all the time. I never had time to myself on days off. Something that is important to me.
Sure, I can understand that. I only picked it out because as a Dad of a 1yr old, I already know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. My wife and I each work office jobs, so our days off are weekends, where our daughter is also off nursery, so we do family things. Anything I want to do for myself, I need to fit in on a week day night, or book time on a weekend as a one-off. The option for me anyway, to stay in bed on a Saturday or decide I'm going off to do something, it's just not there and if my wife decided to try it, she'd likely either feel guilty she's not spending time with me/our daughter or I'd be asking her to come help me out.
Any spare time I have, I want to spend with my wife as a couple, because while the kid is ace, she's quite demanding and I dont always just want to watch Masha and the Bear. I'd hazard a guess that your now ex could have been the same, in wanting to spend time as a couple and perhaps as a family.
If you dont want to do that, then likely you're better off out was my point. There's nothing wrong with saying that's not how you want your days/weeks to go.
For the first time in 5 years I have a steady girlfriend instead of a fling. Met on POF, going well after 3 months, kids get on well, she's pretty, intelligent and we genuinely get on really well
Bit of a drama queen (hard young life, depression, drugs, etc) and likes to go off on left wing rants a bit, but i can deal with that, since she's nice really.
Only problem is she turns into a t
t when she's drunk. Im fine drinking, occasionally I'm even up for a bit of dancing, but she just goes off and does whatever she wants to do, refuses to listen to what me or anyone else in the group wants to do, walks off, and then usually gets stty on the way home and starts a one way argument. (my ex wife was like this, and we never got over it) I'm pretty laid back these days and so i don't i dont let her draw me into it, mainly because I'm not even cross with her, I've usually had a good night and just want to go home and have sex! But she insists on being a pain. Usually about a load of bks too, other girls, my ex etc. Screams of insecurity.
I do like her, but i've said Its getting annoying. She's apologetic when sober, but in future I'm just going to tell her to drink with her friends and not involve me. This early into a relationship I don't feel like she should be trying to cause trouble. I wouldn't do it to her.
Just thought I'd share that, in case anyone has dealt with similar?
Bit of a drama queen (hard young life, depression, drugs, etc) and likes to go off on left wing rants a bit, but i can deal with that, since she's nice really.
Only problem is she turns into a t
t when she's drunk. Im fine drinking, occasionally I'm even up for a bit of dancing, but she just goes off and does whatever she wants to do, refuses to listen to what me or anyone else in the group wants to do, walks off, and then usually gets stty on the way home and starts a one way argument. (my ex wife was like this, and we never got over it) I'm pretty laid back these days and so i don't i dont let her draw me into it, mainly because I'm not even cross with her, I've usually had a good night and just want to go home and have sex! But she insists on being a pain. Usually about a load of bks too, other girls, my ex etc. Screams of insecurity.I do like her, but i've said Its getting annoying. She's apologetic when sober, but in future I'm just going to tell her to drink with her friends and not involve me. This early into a relationship I don't feel like she should be trying to cause trouble. I wouldn't do it to her.
Just thought I'd share that, in case anyone has dealt with similar?
Pebbles167 said:
For the first time in 5 years I have a steady girlfriend instead of a fling. Met on POF, going well after 3 months, kids get on well, she's pretty, intelligent and we genuinely get on really well
Bit of a drama queen (hard young life, depression, drugs, etc) and likes to go off on left wing rants a bit, but i can deal with that, since she's nice really.
Only problem is she turns into a tt when she's drunk. Im fine drinking, occasionally I'm even up for a bit of dancing, but she just goes off and does whatever she wants to do, refuses to listen to what me or anyone else in the group wants to do, walks off, and then usually gets stty on the way home and starts a one way argument. (my ex wife was like this, and we never got over it) I'm pretty laid back these days and so i don't i dont let her draw me into it, mainly because I'm not even cross with her, I've usually had a good night and just want to go home and have sex! But she insists on being a pain. Usually about a load of bks too, other girls, my ex etc. Screams of insecurity.
I do like her, but i've said Its getting annoying. She's apologetic when sober, but in future I'm just going to tell her to drink with her friends and not involve me. This early into a relationship I don't feel like she should be trying to cause trouble. I wouldn't do it to her.
Just thought I'd share that, in case anyone has dealt with similar?
If it's getting to you now at 3 months, I can imagine you'll be progressively more irked by it as time goes on.Bit of a drama queen (hard young life, depression, drugs, etc) and likes to go off on left wing rants a bit, but i can deal with that, since she's nice really.
Only problem is she turns into a t
t when she's drunk. Im fine drinking, occasionally I'm even up for a bit of dancing, but she just goes off and does whatever she wants to do, refuses to listen to what me or anyone else in the group wants to do, walks off, and then usually gets stty on the way home and starts a one way argument. (my ex wife was like this, and we never got over it) I'm pretty laid back these days and so i don't i dont let her draw me into it, mainly because I'm not even cross with her, I've usually had a good night and just want to go home and have sex! But she insists on being a pain. Usually about a load of bks too, other girls, my ex etc. Screams of insecurity.I do like her, but i've said Its getting annoying. She's apologetic when sober, but in future I'm just going to tell her to drink with her friends and not involve me. This early into a relationship I don't feel like she should be trying to cause trouble. I wouldn't do it to her.
Just thought I'd share that, in case anyone has dealt with similar?
If it were me i'd be bringing it up and giving her a chance to address it, then if she can't over time...see ya.
One of my ex's was a bit of a hot head when she got drunk...she swung punches at me a couple of times and even kicked me once i went down once or twice. I let it go as it only happened about 3 times in 6 years, but still, you don't ever truly dismiss something like that.
You might be able to sweep it under the rug for now, but it sounds like a pretty regular occurence and you probably won't feel so patient in a year or 2.
Pebbles167 said:
For the first time in 5 years I have a steady girlfriend instead of a fling. Met on POF, going well after 3 months, kids get on well, she's pretty, intelligent and we genuinely get on really well
Bit of a drama queen (hard young life, depression, drugs, etc) and likes to go off on left wing rants a bit, but i can deal with that, since she's nice really.
Only problem is she turns into a tt when she's drunk. Im fine drinking, occasionally I'm even up for a bit of dancing, but she just goes off and does whatever she wants to do, refuses to listen to what me or anyone else in the group wants to do, walks off, and then usually gets stty on the way home and starts a one way argument. (my ex wife was like this, and we never got over it) I'm pretty laid back these days and so i don't i dont let her draw me into it, mainly because I'm not even cross with her, I've usually had a good night and just want to go home and have sex! But she insists on being a pain. Usually about a load of bks too, other girls, my ex etc. Screams of insecurity.
I do like her, but i've said Its getting annoying. She's apologetic when sober, but in future I'm just going to tell her to drink with her friends and not involve me. This early into a relationship I don't feel like she should be trying to cause trouble. I wouldn't do it to her.
Just thought I'd share that, in case anyone has dealt with similar?
She sounds mental. Bit of a drama queen (hard young life, depression, drugs, etc) and likes to go off on left wing rants a bit, but i can deal with that, since she's nice really.
Only problem is she turns into a t
t when she's drunk. Im fine drinking, occasionally I'm even up for a bit of dancing, but she just goes off and does whatever she wants to do, refuses to listen to what me or anyone else in the group wants to do, walks off, and then usually gets stty on the way home and starts a one way argument. (my ex wife was like this, and we never got over it) I'm pretty laid back these days and so i don't i dont let her draw me into it, mainly because I'm not even cross with her, I've usually had a good night and just want to go home and have sex! But she insists on being a pain. Usually about a load of bks too, other girls, my ex etc. Screams of insecurity.I do like her, but i've said Its getting annoying. She's apologetic when sober, but in future I'm just going to tell her to drink with her friends and not involve me. This early into a relationship I don't feel like she should be trying to cause trouble. I wouldn't do it to her.
Just thought I'd share that, in case anyone has dealt with similar?
Sounds like a recipe for disaster. I have been with someone like that and eventually ended, I wish it had ended sooner. Plenty more fish!
andy-xr said:
Yes, and after 6 months she got her bipolar diagnosis through which explained a lot.
Yep, I had exactly this behaviour with my ex, although BPD rather than bipolar. It only gets worse and not better, especially after they've nabbed you through marriage and especially kids, when they feel they can really let rip. They're always a good shag mind. Don't let your knob make long term decisions. Dedra as a Dodo said:
Seriously, is a 25 mile distance a dealbreaker nowadays?!?
Lack of determination, lots of "grass greener" options ... when I started seeing my current Mrs there was a solid 35miles between where we lived - it's a 30-40min car journey or just over one hr on public transport (1bus and 1metro) Unless of course you live in a massive singleton densely populated metropolis ...
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