Match.com (Volume 6)
Discussion
Echo66 said:
Still meant that i had no time to shower after being thrown around my own house all weekend so by the time i was climbing into the swedish lass's bed to measure the length of those delicious long legs by using my tongue my nether regions were still covered with the dried remnants of some Kiwi squirty juice.
Bad form old boy, preferable to be late and clean than on time and have a crusty knob.
TwistingMyMelon said:
The joys of online dating
The weirdest story I ever had was back in my early 20s, when online dating was just coming out, an 18 year old lady started messaging me regarding meeting up , only issue was there was no photo.....her name was Sarah...alarm bells...
..On the plus side, she was messaging me begging me to be her "first". More alarm bells were ringing, but after a dry patch I gave her a call to ascertain that it was at least a female I was texting, after surprisingly hearing a female voice, we agreed to meet later in the week @ Putney station flower stall.
I got there early and got a good stalking viewpoint, the plan being that if I didnt like the look of her I could do a runner, unfortunately she knew what I looked like and had done the same and got there even earlier...As soon as I peeked round the postbox I felt a tap on my shoulder and she said hello....
On the plus side she was female and the correct age (if not older - which is a good thing) on the minus, she was a size 20 + and then some. I like the curvier lady, but blimey she was very big.
This is when it gets odd....she grabbed my hand and went "come on my dad is waiting round the corner" (PANNIC) ..she then led me to a Fiat Punto waiting on double yellows and introduced me to a man in his late 60s , who was her father, I then had to get into the back of a tiny punto and was driven down a few miles of back streets to their house. It was a three door so I couldn't even do a runner at the lights (MORE PANIC)
We then turn up at a nice looking suburban house, where Sarah lived with her retired pensioner parents, I get led up the garden path where she tells me "my mum has dinner ready for us". I then get into the house and sure enough in their small kitchen there is dinner ready, comprising of fish fingers (the irony) , chips and peas. The parents then join us for our first date meal and the four of us tuck in round a small square table eating a dinner fit for a 10 year old child. The parents then speak to me like they have been waiting all their life to meet me wanting to know all about me. To their credit they were lovely people, but it was bloody odd , however I took it as a challenge and parleyed up my life story and was as polite as one could be. I didnt even know their daughters surname and knew at best 2 things about their daughter, but I blagged it like a good'un
Following the fish fingers, we had some rice pudding , before Sarah and I parted upstairs to her room...Where she slammed the door shut , ripped off her clothes and demanded I take her cherry...by now it was like a weird dream, so just cracked on and did it. After a few hours of "fun" the poor girl could walk even less than she could before. I then told her "I needed to get the last tube home" (it was 7pm...) and went to leave, she said "of course Ive had what I wanted....my dad will will take you back to the station" So downstairs I trot to find her parents eagerly awaiting our arrival, where her mother made me a sandwich and back in the Punto to Putney tube station we go, where I chatted to her dad about the state of UK cricket., something I knew bugger all about but blagged it.
I stayed in touch with Sarah and every once in a while I'd pop over hers on a Friday night and repeat the above, word for word, except in addition to fish fingers occasionally Id have sausages or polonaise waiting for me on the table, as soon as dinner was eaten, we would retreat upstairs where she would just rip our clothes off and demand 3+ hours of debauchery before a lift back to the tube station from her father and the customary chat about cricket.
A few years passed following our last meeting and she emailed me to tell me that she had now got married (confirmed by FB) but was still up for "meeting up" but I had nightmares of turning up at her new house only for her husband to be waiting there to cook me dinner .
Now that is a quality dating story, bravo! The weirdest story I ever had was back in my early 20s, when online dating was just coming out, an 18 year old lady started messaging me regarding meeting up , only issue was there was no photo.....her name was Sarah...alarm bells...
..On the plus side, she was messaging me begging me to be her "first". More alarm bells were ringing, but after a dry patch I gave her a call to ascertain that it was at least a female I was texting, after surprisingly hearing a female voice, we agreed to meet later in the week @ Putney station flower stall.
I got there early and got a good stalking viewpoint, the plan being that if I didnt like the look of her I could do a runner, unfortunately she knew what I looked like and had done the same and got there even earlier...As soon as I peeked round the postbox I felt a tap on my shoulder and she said hello....
On the plus side she was female and the correct age (if not older - which is a good thing) on the minus, she was a size 20 + and then some. I like the curvier lady, but blimey she was very big.
This is when it gets odd....she grabbed my hand and went "come on my dad is waiting round the corner" (PANNIC) ..she then led me to a Fiat Punto waiting on double yellows and introduced me to a man in his late 60s , who was her father, I then had to get into the back of a tiny punto and was driven down a few miles of back streets to their house. It was a three door so I couldn't even do a runner at the lights (MORE PANIC)
We then turn up at a nice looking suburban house, where Sarah lived with her retired pensioner parents, I get led up the garden path where she tells me "my mum has dinner ready for us". I then get into the house and sure enough in their small kitchen there is dinner ready, comprising of fish fingers (the irony) , chips and peas. The parents then join us for our first date meal and the four of us tuck in round a small square table eating a dinner fit for a 10 year old child. The parents then speak to me like they have been waiting all their life to meet me wanting to know all about me. To their credit they were lovely people, but it was bloody odd , however I took it as a challenge and parleyed up my life story and was as polite as one could be. I didnt even know their daughters surname and knew at best 2 things about their daughter, but I blagged it like a good'un
Following the fish fingers, we had some rice pudding , before Sarah and I parted upstairs to her room...Where she slammed the door shut , ripped off her clothes and demanded I take her cherry...by now it was like a weird dream, so just cracked on and did it. After a few hours of "fun" the poor girl could walk even less than she could before. I then told her "I needed to get the last tube home" (it was 7pm...) and went to leave, she said "of course Ive had what I wanted....my dad will will take you back to the station" So downstairs I trot to find her parents eagerly awaiting our arrival, where her mother made me a sandwich and back in the Punto to Putney tube station we go, where I chatted to her dad about the state of UK cricket., something I knew bugger all about but blagged it.
I stayed in touch with Sarah and every once in a while I'd pop over hers on a Friday night and repeat the above, word for word, except in addition to fish fingers occasionally Id have sausages or polonaise waiting for me on the table, as soon as dinner was eaten, we would retreat upstairs where she would just rip our clothes off and demand 3+ hours of debauchery before a lift back to the tube station from her father and the customary chat about cricket.
A few years passed following our last meeting and she emailed me to tell me that she had now got married (confirmed by FB) but was still up for "meeting up" but I had nightmares of turning up at her new house only for her husband to be waiting there to cook me dinner .
Many years ago before internet dating there were personal ads in the back of local papers.
I replied to a few and hooked up with one girl who described herself as a size 16.
Well, she definitely couldn't have looked for a while as she was more size 22/24. Nice enough girl, who made it quite obvious she wanted some fun.
Walking back to hers the local estate kids shouted "slag" and "slapper" at her as we waljed by. Being a gentleman I ignored this, though it did confirm I was in for a good time.
A good time was had, and, going back to squirters, I can say I've never had such a really good feeling as a girl riding you and squirting waves and waves right down over your cock and balls. Her mattress was soaked right through in several places.
Her parting words were "God, is that the time? My boyfriend will be home soon. Christ. I'm going to have to tell him I've spilled my drink on the bed again".
Didn't see her again. Variety must be the spice of het life.
I replied to a few and hooked up with one girl who described herself as a size 16.
Well, she definitely couldn't have looked for a while as she was more size 22/24. Nice enough girl, who made it quite obvious she wanted some fun.
Walking back to hers the local estate kids shouted "slag" and "slapper" at her as we waljed by. Being a gentleman I ignored this, though it did confirm I was in for a good time.
A good time was had, and, going back to squirters, I can say I've never had such a really good feeling as a girl riding you and squirting waves and waves right down over your cock and balls. Her mattress was soaked right through in several places.
Her parting words were "God, is that the time? My boyfriend will be home soon. Christ. I'm going to have to tell him I've spilled my drink on the bed again".
Didn't see her again. Variety must be the spice of het life.
olly22n said:
Blown2CV said:
olly22n said:
Paddy_N_Murphy said:
Well ? Did you with Kate?
Anyone for a squirter story ? I'm scared / scarred by it.
First rule of squirters, only fAnyone for a squirter story ? I'm scared / scarred by it.
k then at THEIR house
JustALooseScrew said:
I have so many stories of failed conquests in Leeds I should probably write a book.
You must be doing something very wrong if you can't pull chicks in the Phono'! They don't come any easier.Is the Phono' even still there? Got to be 20-25 years since I was last in there.
xjay1337 said:
Do you regret not staying with the Kiwi then?
It wouldn't have worked with her either in the long run. She was a bit full on for it being only the beginnings of something. But in hindsight I should have binned off the Aryan nation fan & carried on nailing my Kiwi. Fairs fair though, with things not working out with Eva Braun, it meant circumstances arose that allowed me to meet my missus. Met her a cpl months after the split & been together ever since inc married for 3. Win win.
As for being late for the pick up turning up clean, its not like I was reeking of minge juice, i did have the civvy equiv of a desert wash & scrub up but yeah the Swede got a bit of sloppy seconds. Meh.
Lemming Train said:
You must be doing something very wrong if you can't pull chicks in the Phono'! They don't come any easier.
Is the Phono' even still there? Got to be 20-25 years since I was last in there.
Sadly not. The Merrion Centre has been somewhat gentrified, although there is the Key Club on the side of it now, which is a similar sort of crowd and music. Is the Phono' even still there? Got to be 20-25 years since I was last in there.
So I think I'll write about the next girl on TroubledSoul's 2018 path of destruction. Let's call her Bradford Belle. She was, as the name suggests, from Bradford. And my God she was like my holy grail. I'd always fancied her from a distance, but never really got to know her properly. She was a car scene girl with all the st that comes with car scene girls. Slept with at least 3 blokes I knew, albeit not well, had three kids, the works. But Jesus she was beautiful. And had fake boobs. And I loved her personality. I was completely blinded by the fact she was both hot as hell and also sending me lots of nudes.
So I was on holiday but got chatting to her just beforehand on Facebook. By the end of the holiday she was meeting me at the airport to give me a lift home and that's where it all started. I thought she was perfect. I still have a huge soft spot for her in all honesty. The whole thing only lasted a few weeks but I was just a mess. I had no idea until it was too late, but I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship with a new person at that point. Shagging people, yeah fine. Actually being with someone? I couldn't handle it. But I was on one. My head had gone. I think that when my marriage ended, I believed deep down that I'd never get another shot at happiness and when this girl came along and I got attached quickly, something in me was subconsciously clinging to this being the second chance I never thought I'd get.
We had an argument one Sunday, actually because of something one of my friends who knew her said, and she'd seen it on my phone as I was sat next to her at the time he said it. I didn't think it was a big deal, but the more vodka that went down, the worse the day got. It became a complete cluster fk that resulted in a completely wasted and screwed up me sat in my car crying and threatening to drive home until someone snatched the keys. Honestly, once the dust settled I can honestly say I've never felt so ashamed in my entire life. But the damage was done and Belle was out. I tried to talk her around but she'd had so much st with guys that she just wasn't buying it.
I was a wreck for quite a while. I fell so hard and fast for her, it actually felt worse than my marriage breakup, but looking back I'm sure it was a combination of that and suppressed emotions from the marriage breakup all coming out together. I was absolutely ruined. It took me a while to get over that. I went on to stick my dick in a female friend who I didn't actually want to sleep with and stopped halfway through as I just wasn't feeling it. That was awkward. I then did the same with another female friend although I did like her, but I don't know if I just wasn't ready or what. I was struck down by some sort of anxiety and couldn't keep it up that night. Honestly, I was all at sea. In amongst all this I found myself clinging to a lamppost in the rain on the way to first friend girl's house crying down the phone to my ex. Not asking to get back together or anything like that, just telling her I was sorry for mistakes I'd made and telling her about things going wrong with Belle and how I didn't know what to do with myself. All stuff I'm sure she'd rather not hear, but I literally didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. To her credit she was great.
This all led me to the lowest point of my life. I was on the floor and wasn't sure if I either could get back up or if I even wanted to...
t that comes with car scene girls. Slept with at least 3 blokes I knew, albeit not well, had three kids, the works. But Jesus she was beautiful. And had fake boobs. And I loved her personality. I was completely blinded by the fact she was both hot as hell and also sending me lots of nudes. So I was on holiday but got chatting to her just beforehand on Facebook. By the end of the holiday she was meeting me at the airport to give me a lift home and that's where it all started. I thought she was perfect. I still have a huge soft spot for her in all honesty. The whole thing only lasted a few weeks but I was just a mess. I had no idea until it was too late, but I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship with a new person at that point. Shagging people, yeah fine. Actually being with someone? I couldn't handle it. But I was on one. My head had gone. I think that when my marriage ended, I believed deep down that I'd never get another shot at happiness and when this girl came along and I got attached quickly, something in me was subconsciously clinging to this being the second chance I never thought I'd get.
We had an argument one Sunday, actually because of something one of my friends who knew her said, and she'd seen it on my phone as I was sat next to her at the time he said it. I didn't think it was a big deal, but the more vodka that went down, the worse the day got. It became a complete cluster f
k that resulted in a completely wasted and screwed up me sat in my car crying and threatening to drive home until someone snatched the keys. Honestly, once the dust settled I can honestly say I've never felt so ashamed in my entire life. But the damage was done and Belle was out. I tried to talk her around but she'd had so much st with guys that she just wasn't buying it. I was a wreck for quite a while. I fell so hard and fast for her, it actually felt worse than my marriage breakup, but looking back I'm sure it was a combination of that and suppressed emotions from the marriage breakup all coming out together. I was absolutely ruined. It took me a while to get over that. I went on to stick my dick in a female friend who I didn't actually want to sleep with and stopped halfway through as I just wasn't feeling it. That was awkward. I then did the same with another female friend although I did like her, but I don't know if I just wasn't ready or what. I was struck down by some sort of anxiety and couldn't keep it up that night. Honestly, I was all at sea. In amongst all this I found myself clinging to a lamppost in the rain on the way to first friend girl's house crying down the phone to my ex. Not asking to get back together or anything like that, just telling her I was sorry for mistakes I'd made and telling her about things going wrong with Belle and how I didn't know what to do with myself. All stuff I'm sure she'd rather not hear, but I literally didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. To her credit she was great.
This all led me to the lowest point of my life. I was on the floor and wasn't sure if I either could get back up or if I even wanted to...
Another one I remembered.
This was with the Swedish lass. Lets call her V cos that was her initial.
Following probably happened 2nd or 3rd week we’d been regularly banging each other.
Getting jiggy & it transpires her ex was pretty crap at going down on her. Apparently I’m pretty good at rug munching, know whats bits are what & where to give it some welly & where not so to speak. Night in question we’d been getting pretty heavy downstairs in the lounge all evening before retiring to her bedroom. I’m playing it cool but I’m actually in need of an epic dump & am keeping my balloon knot tensed as I can tell if I relax I’m going to let a ripper of a fart go. Bad times but got a job to do so stick at it.
I’m getting into the process of lapping away like a pig at a truffle – she’s flat on her back, starkers, those long legs wide apart & hips slightly bent enjoying the tongue lashing she’s getting. Win.
As I’m getting into this the concentration bit of my brain that is keeping my ricker fart tight lapses & all of a sudden the gentle lapping & moaning is interrupted by some fecker letting rip with a cracker of a very loud fart. I stopped & looked at her as tbh I was so into what I was doing I’d forgotten I was needing a shiit & thought she’d dropped her guts. I was pretty shocked until she said, ‘Pardon what did you do?’
It was at this point my hoop was reminding me I was nearly turtles heading it & I thought, ‘oh feck me I’ve farted while I’m down on her’.
After a very short second she broke into massive giggles which thankfully was a fookin relief as I thought I’d blown it with her. Broke the ice a fair bit (& nearly her dressing table mirror with the force of the feckin thing) & after some laughing & a few ‘so sorry about that’ from me which brought on more giggles we carried on.
Not one of my best moments.
This was with the Swedish lass. Lets call her V cos that was her initial.
Following probably happened 2nd or 3rd week we’d been regularly banging each other.
Getting jiggy & it transpires her ex was pretty crap at going down on her. Apparently I’m pretty good at rug munching, know whats bits are what & where to give it some welly & where not so to speak. Night in question we’d been getting pretty heavy downstairs in the lounge all evening before retiring to her bedroom. I’m playing it cool but I’m actually in need of an epic dump & am keeping my balloon knot tensed as I can tell if I relax I’m going to let a ripper of a fart go. Bad times but got a job to do so stick at it.
I’m getting into the process of lapping away like a pig at a truffle – she’s flat on her back, starkers, those long legs wide apart & hips slightly bent enjoying the tongue lashing she’s getting. Win.
As I’m getting into this the concentration bit of my brain that is keeping my ricker fart tight lapses & all of a sudden the gentle lapping & moaning is interrupted by some fecker letting rip with a cracker of a very loud fart. I stopped & looked at her as tbh I was so into what I was doing I’d forgotten I was needing a shiit & thought she’d dropped her guts. I was pretty shocked until she said, ‘Pardon what did you do?’
It was at this point my hoop was reminding me I was nearly turtles heading it & I thought, ‘oh feck me I’ve farted while I’m down on her’.
After a very short second she broke into massive giggles which thankfully was a fookin relief as I thought I’d blown it with her. Broke the ice a fair bit (& nearly her dressing table mirror with the force of the feckin thing) & after some laughing & a few ‘so sorry about that’ from me which brought on more giggles we carried on.
Not one of my best moments.
Edited by Echo66 on Wednesday 24th October 15:47
WelshChris said:
Echo66 said:
I'm getting to the point i'm spaffing nothing more than the equivalent of a sparrows tear.
This is the kind of stuff that makes this thread worthwhile. Everyone keeps coming into my office asking me what's upsetting me and why I'm crying
Bravo Echo66
hyphen said:
Can someone pm me when this thread goes back to losers posting about having no success in dating? As that's what I thought this thread was about!!
I'm sure there will be more of that. I am currently finding that girls match you on Tinder then unmatch when you actually message them. That's if they reply at all. dheads. I am chatting to a couple of younger girls at the minute but that's early days and they might just go silent like the others do Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff