Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Whattodonow said:
Whattodonow said:
I had this happen to me last year.
Short version-
She told me she wasn't in love with me any more, I thought my job and working away was one of the main reasons for this so ended up taking voluntary redundancy and moving back to her home town.
Spent about 9 months looking for work, found another job which she hated.
Made an appointment with Relate for marriage counselling, started to make progress, she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted from life.
Skip forwards 3 months and in a moment of madness, i look at her phone one morning, turns out at the same time as we had started counselling, she had started an affair with a random guy from an adult dating site. I confronted her over it and over the course of the next few days and weeks, we actually became much closer and realised that we did still want it to work.
2 months on and our 10 year marriage is the best it has been in years but trust is going to take a long time to return.
Looking back, if she hadn't had the affair, i think our marriage would probably have ended!!
(Posted from a second username to protect what little dignity I still have, sorry mods ??)
A quick update 6 months on from the affair starting (4 months from me finding out)Short version-
She told me she wasn't in love with me any more, I thought my job and working away was one of the main reasons for this so ended up taking voluntary redundancy and moving back to her home town.
Spent about 9 months looking for work, found another job which she hated.
Made an appointment with Relate for marriage counselling, started to make progress, she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted from life.
Skip forwards 3 months and in a moment of madness, i look at her phone one morning, turns out at the same time as we had started counselling, she had started an affair with a random guy from an adult dating site. I confronted her over it and over the course of the next few days and weeks, we actually became much closer and realised that we did still want it to work.
2 months on and our 10 year marriage is the best it has been in years but trust is going to take a long time to return.
Looking back, if she hadn't had the affair, i think our marriage would probably have ended!!
(Posted from a second username to protect what little dignity I still have, sorry mods ??)
Things so far seem to be going great, Mrs WTDN has been to see an individual councillor to explore her issues.
I still struggle a bit with trusting her,and still see reminders of what happened every day, making me think about it (I commute past the premier inn she was visiting with him)
Individually, we have both made changes over the last few months which seem to have put us in a much better place and frame of mind. I've returned to the job which I left 18 months ago and being back in my comfort zone at work seems to have alleviated a lot of the tension/stress from our home life.
Not really got much else to say other than hopefully this post can help anyone else going through similar, and show that you CAN move forward from such a s
tty situation and it doesn't have to be the end.18 months on and she's done it again, except this time she's left me for a guy she's been with for 2 weeks.
The marriage is definitely done.
I'm sat at work 4500 miles and 7 hrs of time zones away (been here about 5 weeks, due back in another 3)
Her justification is that if her head can be turned so easily, then we just can't be right. She says she's not actually leaving me for him, but leaving me and happens to be with him.
I can feel myself slipping into a horrible dark place, haven't eaten or slept in 3 days, my work has gone to rats
t and I'm in a safety critical role, I've had to ask my boss to send me back to the ukWhattodonow said:
Whattodonow said:
Whattodonow said:
I had this happen to me last year.
Short version-
She told me she wasn't in love with me any more, I thought my job and working away was one of the main reasons for this so ended up taking voluntary redundancy and moving back to her home town.
Spent about 9 months looking for work, found another job which she hated.
Made an appointment with Relate for marriage counselling, started to make progress, she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted from life.
Skip forwards 3 months and in a moment of madness, i look at her phone one morning, turns out at the same time as we had started counselling, she had started an affair with a random guy from an adult dating site. I confronted her over it and over the course of the next few days and weeks, we actually became much closer and realised that we did still want it to work.
2 months on and our 10 year marriage is the best it has been in years but trust is going to take a long time to return.
Looking back, if she hadn't had the affair, i think our marriage would probably have ended!!
(Posted from a second username to protect what little dignity I still have, sorry mods ??)
A quick update 6 months on from the affair starting (4 months from me finding out)Short version-
She told me she wasn't in love with me any more, I thought my job and working away was one of the main reasons for this so ended up taking voluntary redundancy and moving back to her home town.
Spent about 9 months looking for work, found another job which she hated.
Made an appointment with Relate for marriage counselling, started to make progress, she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted from life.
Skip forwards 3 months and in a moment of madness, i look at her phone one morning, turns out at the same time as we had started counselling, she had started an affair with a random guy from an adult dating site. I confronted her over it and over the course of the next few days and weeks, we actually became much closer and realised that we did still want it to work.
2 months on and our 10 year marriage is the best it has been in years but trust is going to take a long time to return.
Looking back, if she hadn't had the affair, i think our marriage would probably have ended!!
(Posted from a second username to protect what little dignity I still have, sorry mods ??)
Things so far seem to be going great, Mrs WTDN has been to see an individual councillor to explore her issues.
I still struggle a bit with trusting her,and still see reminders of what happened every day, making me think about it (I commute past the premier inn she was visiting with him)
Individually, we have both made changes over the last few months which seem to have put us in a much better place and frame of mind. I've returned to the job which I left 18 months ago and being back in my comfort zone at work seems to have alleviated a lot of the tension/stress from our home life.
Not really got much else to say other than hopefully this post can help anyone else going through similar, and show that you CAN move forward from such a s
tty situation and it doesn't have to be the end.18 months on and she's done it again, except this time she's left me for a guy she's been with for 2 weeks.
The marriage is definitely done.
I'm sat at work 4500 miles and 7 hrs of time zones away (been here about 5 weeks, due back in another 3)
Her justification is that if her head can be turned so easily, then we just can't be right. She says she's not actually leaving me for him, but leaving me and happens to be with him.
I can feel myself slipping into a horrible dark place, haven't eaten or slept in 3 days, my work has gone to rats
t and I'm in a safety critical role, I've had to ask my boss to send me back to the ukReally sorry to hear about it
Her "justification" is absolute b
ks by the way and I'm sure you know it. Whattodonow said:
Kids make it a bit more difficult, she told them already after I asked her to wait for me to get back,
I broke down in tears when I spoke to my 10 year old and had to explain that dad couldn't be there any more
I'm sat shaking right now, just can't even think.
You'll get over it in time.I broke down in tears when I spoke to my 10 year old and had to explain that dad couldn't be there any more
I'm sat shaking right now, just can't even think.
Can you not fly home for a short while, or is work not flexible in that regard?
Very sorry for your situation. theboss on here had a similar situation with kids and handled that well
The sooner you can sack her off and be done with it, the better.
xjay1337 said:
Whattodonow said:
Kids make it a bit more difficult, she told them already after I asked her to wait for me to get back,
I broke down in tears when I spoke to my 10 year old and had to explain that dad couldn't be there any more
I'm sat shaking right now, just can't even think.
You'll get over it in time.I broke down in tears when I spoke to my 10 year old and had to explain that dad couldn't be there any more
I'm sat shaking right now, just can't even think.
Can you not fly home for a short while, or is work not flexible in that regard?
Very sorry for your situation. theboss on here had a similar situation with kids and handled that well
The sooner you can sack her off and be done with it, the better.
WTDN I find myself growing angry on your behalf! If I were in your situation I would be utterly furious and looking for retribution. I know that's not how to be, but it's a perfectly understandable feeling. An old friend of mine had a very similar thing happen to him with his we of a wife (with her horse riding trainer and then a coach driver in her work as a tour guide), and she claimed to be God-fearing too! He's now happily married to another.
e of a wife (with her horse riding trainer and then a coach driver in her work as a tour guide), and she claimed to be God-fearing too! He's now happily married to another.Edited by motco on Thursday 25th May 17:14
sc0tt said:
A leopard and their spots...
Chin up. You have your health.
This. You will look back at some point in the future and realise she was holding you back. The priority here is to look after yourself first off, deal with the situation as cool and calmly as you can and try to bring the children through the mess with as little impact on them as possible. Be the dad you have always been to them and be a cold hard nosed businessman towards her and treat the transition like you are closing down a company and moving on. Chin up. You have your health.
I've been keeping away from this thread while things get sorted, but I'll just say that if you can keep calm, understand what you NEED (including your relationship with your kids) and don't give way for a quick exit but be firm with YOURSELF, it does get better.
Everyone told me that, and at the darkest point I couldn't see it, but it's true.
Right now, busy yourself reading up about the process. I think I posted some stuff in another thread, but get to grips with:
Decree nisi/consent order/decree absolute
Form E (not as bad as made out)
Your current expenditure down to an almost microscopic level (I can let you have my spreadsheet template)
Your future expenditure as best you can figure it with your desired outcome (likewise)
You're a man, so you probably will feel better once some of the variables are starting to get under control.
And talk to someone, every day if you can. My best mate has listened to me whinge day after day, until I had said it all multiple times and had made some sort of sense of it all.
You'll be fine, honest.
Everyone told me that, and at the darkest point I couldn't see it, but it's true.
Right now, busy yourself reading up about the process. I think I posted some stuff in another thread, but get to grips with:
Decree nisi/consent order/decree absolute
Form E (not as bad as made out)
Your current expenditure down to an almost microscopic level (I can let you have my spreadsheet template)
Your future expenditure as best you can figure it with your desired outcome (likewise)
You're a man, so you probably will feel better once some of the variables are starting to get under control.
And talk to someone, every day if you can. My best mate has listened to me whinge day after day, until I had said it all multiple times and had made some sort of sense of it all.
You'll be fine, honest.
I'm now sat in Calgary airport, my work have been very sympathetic to the situation, and recognised also that when my head isn't in the game, there is huge risk of someone being seriously injured or worse
She didn't so much tell me as let me coax it out of her, I had very infrequent access to mobile signal so hadn't been online much, maybe every 3 days or so for an hour or two. We chatted when I could.
On Sunday my grandad passed away, I received a text, telling me so I forwarded it to her, said I was a bit down. She seemed cold towards me and holding me at arms length
On Tues morning after her seemingly ignoring a few leading messages, I asked her if we were OK, she replied I'm fine but we need to talk when you get home.
I knew straight away so I just asked outright if there was someone else, and she replied do you really want to do this over messenger?
She told me everything, I spiralled out of control
I accept that its definitely curtains for the marriage, I just need to get my head round how I can keep my son sheltered from the poisonous atmosphere when I get home.
Bank and cc password changed etc
I've not told her I'm flying tonight, not sure whether that's sensible or not
She didn't so much tell me as let me coax it out of her, I had very infrequent access to mobile signal so hadn't been online much, maybe every 3 days or so for an hour or two. We chatted when I could.
On Sunday my grandad passed away, I received a text, telling me so I forwarded it to her, said I was a bit down. She seemed cold towards me and holding me at arms length
On Tues morning after her seemingly ignoring a few leading messages, I asked her if we were OK, she replied I'm fine but we need to talk when you get home.
I knew straight away so I just asked outright if there was someone else, and she replied do you really want to do this over messenger?
She told me everything, I spiralled out of control
I accept that its definitely curtains for the marriage, I just need to get my head round how I can keep my son sheltered from the poisonous atmosphere when I get home.
Bank and cc password changed etc
I've not told her I'm flying tonight, not sure whether that's sensible or not
I would tell her next to nothing, but that's done now. I wish you all the best, there is some great advice on here but the key for me is to look after yourself, your health and realize that it gets better as much as you do not believe it now.
It would be a massive success if you limit the amount of damage to you absolute despicable human being causes.
I cannot fathom the mindset of someone who takes a partner back after cheating but good on you for trying to make it work. It says more about you than me.
It would be a massive success if you limit the amount of damage to you absolute despicable human being causes.
I cannot fathom the mindset of someone who takes a partner back after cheating but good on you for trying to make it work. It says more about you than me.
Whatodonow, I truly feel for you, bizarrely I've never met you, or seen any of your other posts, but i must have thought about you 2/300 times, over the last 6 months, I had been judging myself against you and your decision to stay with your Mrs and have to travel past a hotel where she had been f€$cking another guy, I've been through a sh112t past 10 months, and often thought if I could be more like you and forgive and forget and move on, my life would have been so much better.
I guess this puts a whole different perspective on things, a bit of a ramble, but I thought I would share it.
Good luck pal, stay strong and keep moving!
I guess this puts a whole different perspective on things, a bit of a ramble, but I thought I would share it.
Good luck pal, stay strong and keep moving!
Edited by jockinthebox on Friday 26th May 12:05
WTDN, you're clearly in shock, and there will be anger there too, especially after giving her another chance. The temptation to be spiteful/retaliate is there in spades at this point, It's easy to lash out and fight back (I mean emotionally, psychologically not physically). But but that will only make things worse in the longterm - since you have kids together, you will never be able to cut off ties to her completely. Focus on your kids, and being supportive of them, and getting your own head in order. Take a leaf out of TheBoss's book if you possibly can.
Also, don't leave the family home if at all possible (not easy when you're working away). Make sure you get the divorce papers in first, seems to me that the applicant has a bit more control over the process than the respondent.
Also, don't leave the family home if at all possible (not easy when you're working away). Make sure you get the divorce papers in first, seems to me that the applicant has a bit more control over the process than the respondent.
Whattodonow said:
Her justification is that if her head can be turned so easily, then we just can't be right. She says she's not actually leaving me for him, but leaving me and happens to be with him.
That's what people say when their heads are turned, and precisely because their heads are turned - it has little or nothing to do with you or your relationship.She's just had the equivalent of a whole lot of cocaine shoved up her nose - you can't expect her to think or act rationally.
johnwilliams77 said:
toastybase said:
It's the worst feeling I've experienced and still can't get over it to be honest.
I'm just a bit of a softy.
Time is a healerI'm just a bit of a softy.
Plenty more fish.
Frank7 said:
Maybe I'm wrong here, having never been in that position, (knock on wood), I just don't know, but I think that if I ever did get into that position, and someone said, "You'll be okay, time heals everything", I would feel like smacking them in the mouth, then saying, "Sure, it hurts now, but time will heal it."
Yes, indeed. But as you may or may not be aware, there are different ways to phrase things: 1) Cheer up, life goes on, time is a healer
2) Remember, mate, things will get better through time and I know you are a strong minded person that can deal with it. Let me know if you want to chat anytime.
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