Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[theboss]

Tony427 said:

Well I paid for the bailiffs/ court agents to serve the divorce papers alleging adultery to them both, although seperate papers, at sparrows fart in the morning at the poor sods house.

Proper " Can't pay we'll take it away" foot in the door style.

I believe the phrase stface used to describe the experience was " mortifiying "......

Cheers,
Tony

PS Thinking about it I was probably not in a good place and the other guy did do me a favour. I am a far nicer bloke now.

Well that's one way to do it, I guess!

[GCH]

SpaceRanger said:

I think she wants to sort it out amicably.
She was quite tearful when I explained that
I am not moving out , we either have to sell the house (approx £200k equity) or she has to take on the mortgage - which she can't afford on her salary

Ah yes. This is when the (usually fat & single) friend/sister tells her what she is entitled to, and that she can keep the house and to screw you for every penny.
She then goes to see a solicitor, and so it begins..

[Exige77]

AndStilliRise said:

Sa Calobra said:

Frank7 said:

A reasonable assumption, but when my ex wife divorced me, (completely and totally with me at fault), she was awarded a pittance in my opinion, with which she could hardly take the piss, and she wasn't that kind of woman anyway.
I made a deal with her, I'd set up a Direct Debit to her bank for the amount that the court had awarded her, this would keep the Inland Revenue in the dark, and off my back, then I'd give her the exact same amount in cash every month, providing the deal remained just between us.
I willingly did this for about three years, until she met her new husband, and he'd moved in with her, prior to their marriage.
I carried on with the Direct Debit, adjusting it to cover only the amount awarded for the children until my kids were 18, although I still gave her that relevant sum in cash each month.
The way I saw it, she'd been an excellent wife and mother, why should she and my kids go without because I'd been a jerk.

Top bloke. Most PH'ers it seems go for/fall out with a certain type who they then claim (on a one way forum) that it's always the woman who is at fault. The man's a saint..

Well you say that but he does mention that he was a jerk over the course of the marriage.

He made a mistake, took responsibility for it and behaved like a very decent person. I can only applaud that and say he done good. Wish him all the best.

[acealfa]

I've been following this thread for awhile, infact it's this thread that drew me into posting more.

My thoughts are with you OP & I'd like to say that while there's plenty of banter knocking about on PH it's commendable how supportive everyone is.

[Robertj21a]

GCH said:

SpaceRanger said:

I think she wants to sort it out amicably.
She was quite tearful when I explained that
I am not moving out , we either have to sell the house (approx £200k equity) or she has to take on the mortgage - which she can't afford on her salary

Ah yes. This is when the (usually fat & single) friend/sister tells her what she is entitled to, and that she can keep the house and to screw you for every penny.
She then goes to see a solicitor, and so it begins..

I'm really hoping that the OP is proved right and that they can sort matters out fairly amicably. However, my gut reaction suggests that GCH will be closer to what actually happens in practice.

[GT03ROB]

Robertj21a said:

GCH said:

SpaceRanger said:

I think she wants to sort it out amicably.
She was quite tearful when I explained that
I am not moving out , we either have to sell the house (approx £200k equity) or she has to take on the mortgage - which she can't afford on her salary

Ah yes. This is when the (usually fat & single) friend/sister tells her what she is entitled to, and that she can keep the house and to screw you for every penny.
She then goes to see a solicitor, and so it begins..

I'm really hoping that the OP is proved right and that they can sort matters out fairly amicably. However, my gut reaction suggests that GCH will be closer to what actually happens in practice.

It's always possible. I got out of my 1st marriage amicably. Really didn;t feel like it at the time but in hindsight it was. I have the greatest sympathy for those that go through a stty divorce 'cos even a clean & tidy one is bad.

[PAUL500]

GCH said:

SpaceRanger said:

I think she wants to sort it out amicably.
She was quite tearful when I explained that
I am not moving out , we either have to sell the house (approx £200k equity) or she has to take on the mortgage - which she can't afford on her salary

Ah yes. This is when the (usually fat & single) friend/sister tells her what she is entitled to, and that she can keep the house and to screw you for every penny.
She then goes to see a solicitor, and so it begins..

Yep, standard operating procedure, even from those least expected to take such a course of action.

[anonymous-user]

theboss said:

I mean how the fk does one prove adultury has been committed? Submit a pair of her knickers for DNA analysis?

My Mrs used to work for a large uni, acting as the public interface for all the consulting services the Uni offered.
They had a big technical textiles dept andare renowned for testing textiles and their bread and butter work was testing new performance fabrics for the likes of Berghaus and Henri Lloyd etc. As well as smart fabrics for the healthcare industry.

But they did the full range of tests and could call upon other experts and at least twice a week they would be sent underwear and clothing requesting it was tested for various bodily fluids. Usually some sad story behind the request.

[cootuk]

I would also add to change the beneficiaries of any life assurance.
Change your house from joint tenants to tenants in common, leaving your half to your kids not her.
Change any life assurance (especially if work provide death in service) so theres some for child maintenance should you peg it early, but the majority to your kids.
Even leave a bit to an old gf just to pee her off more

[GloverMart]

Crumbs, 800k is a lot of money.

At least you're sharing it with your two brothers and two sisters...

[GT03ROB]

GloverMart said:

Crumbs, 800k is a lot of money.

At least you're sharing it with your two brothers and two sisters...

I made the mistake of telling my wife what mine was a few weeks back. She was most disappointed when my medical 2 weeks back gave me a clean bill of health.

[AndStilliRise]

GT03ROB said:

GloverMart said:

Crumbs, 800k is a lot of money.

At least you're sharing it with your two brothers and two sisters...

I made the mistake of telling my wife what mine was a few weeks back. She was most disappointed when my medical 2 weeks back gave me a clean bill of health.

[theboss]

I had a life insurance policy paying a million, and the thought of the slag and her lover becoming enriched in the event of my demise was so nauseating that I promptly cancelled it. The kids would have coped.

[AndStilliRise]

theboss said:

I had a life insurance policy paying a million, and the thought of the slag and her lover becoming enriched in the event of my demise was so nauseating that I promptly cancelled it. The kids would have coped.

Rightly so. However is there not a way of putting it into a trust for when they are 18/21?

[theboss]

AndStilliRise said:

Rightly so. However is there not a way of putting it into a trust for when they are 18/21?

I didn't look into it - I just assumed she would get her hands on it one way or another.

The ongoing premium was also money that could have been spent on coke and hookers.

[cootuk]

Worst case is you die and your ex gets £££ life assurance. She remarries, dies, and her new hubby gets £££ out of her estate. Your kids are left out of it.

[GloverMart]

SpaceRanger said:

GloverMart said:

Crumbs, 800k is a lot of money.

At least you're sharing it with your two brothers and two sisters...

Sorry its 400k in total
Still a fair bit though

Only having a joke, SR, as you posted twice.

Definitely a fair bit though.

[Plate spinner]

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

Whilst I understand many a views on the 'rinsing' aspect and fight tooth and nail - but bottom line, if you are not happy, moving on to and with nothing and restarting is not the end of the world, and I assure you a happier path overall.

I am not a Powerfully built chap, do ok.
I will undoubtedly be hit up of money going forward, but you know what - if you were still in that relationship / marriage with a child or three, you'd still be hit up for the money. Yes- I occasionally get house envy of 'what could have been' but you know - its by en large materialistic junk.

Money is not everything.
Happiness is and should ALWAYS be a priority

True.
I'm going through that process now. Divorce and Consent Order agreed, just waiting for the stamp. So building s new life for myself that I never thought I'd bring doing.

It's actually quite an interesting / scary process deciding what your own brand of happiness is in order to pursue it.
Maybe I'm alone here, but having spent 15 years 'providing' by doing a job I don't love and getting home to an increasingly loveless marriage, it was all to easy to just manage life one week at a time. Eat, work, sleep, repeat.

When first asked 'forget the providing role, park your kids for a moment, ignore material possessions - what do you really want out of your life to be happy?' I have to admit to just sitting there a bit blank...

I'm not saying you turn your back on all the things above, but finding out what really makes you happy is important and for many, not as easy as first thought.

The journey is enlightening, challenging and exciting in equal measure though. Without wanting to sound overly dramatic, sometimes these things (and let's face it, divorce is a life changing event) can force you to look at yourself, really look at who you are, in a way that you wouldn't otherwise have had to do.

I haven't found the key to happiness yet, but I'll write a book and offer a PH discount when I do

Try and smile guys and remember we're here for a good time not a long time. When your number comes up, the size of your house is unlikely to be one of memories that flashes before your eyes.

[theboss]

Plate spinner said:

True.
I'm going through that process now. Divorce and Consent Order agreed, just waiting for the stamp. So building s new life for myself that I never thought I'd bring doing.

It's actually quite an interesting / scary process deciding what your own brand of happiness is in order to pursue it.
Maybe I'm alone here, but having spent 15 years 'providing' by doing a job I don't love and getting home to an increasingly loveless marriage, it was all to easy to just manage life one week at a time. Eat, work, sleep, repeat.

When first asked 'forget the providing role, park your kids for a moment, ignore material possessions - what do you really want out of your life to be happy?' I have to admit to just sitting there a bit blank...

I'm not saying you turn your back on all the things above, but finding out what really makes you happy is important and for many, not as easy as first thought.

The journey is enlightening, challenging and exciting in equal measure though. Without wanting to sound overly dramatic, sometimes these things (and let's face it, divorce is a life changing event) can force you to look at yourself, really look at who you are, in a way that you wouldn't otherwise have had to do.

I haven't found the key to happiness yet, but I'll write a book and offer a PH discount when I do

Try and smile guys and remember we're here for a good time not a long time. When your number comes up, the size of your house is unlikely to be one of memories that flashes before your eyes.

Great post. I'm in exactly the same situation in terms of having put the worst of it all behind me and now completely re-evaluating life and what I gain from it. I've got into a fitness regime for the first time in my life and I'm doing my grade 8 piano exam in a few weeks time, just two things which were on the back burner for years. I'm off on a jaunt to Prague in the M5 later this week and then stopping at a stag at the ring on the way back, and I don't have to stop and seek anyone else's approval. I feel much more secure about myself than I have for a long time. Like somebody said, its almost like being 18 all over again - free as a bird, and skint! (another solicitor bill just hit the mat)

[PAUL500]

I found myself reading both these posts, nodding my head and smiling then I get to the end and there is something quoted to me that I wrote a little while ago on one of these threads It was said to me by a friend of my mothers, who was a solicitor himself who had gone through the rigours of divorce on the other side of the fence to his normal day job.

Yes its great to come out the other side, it feels never ending at the time (from 2012 to 2017 for me) but eventually the sun does start to shine again.

In my case I have bought another plot of land, just waiting on the planning to be approved on the house I really wanted to build the last time but constraints prevented it, sure its smaller this time around but big enough for me.

You cannot put a price on the eventual freedom to do what you want, when you want, and its not selfish when it does not impact anyone else either.

theboss said:

Plate spinner said:

True.
I'm going through that process now. Divorce and Consent Order agreed, just waiting for the stamp. So building s new life for myself that I never thought I'd bring doing.

It's actually quite an interesting / scary process deciding what your own brand of happiness is in order to pursue it.
Maybe I'm alone here, but having spent 15 years 'providing' by doing a job I don't love and getting home to an increasingly loveless marriage, it was all to easy to just manage life one week at a time. Eat, work, sleep, repeat.

When first asked 'forget the providing role, park your kids for a moment, ignore material possessions - what do you really want out of your life to be happy?' I have to admit to just sitting there a bit blank...

I'm not saying you turn your back on all the things above, but finding out what really makes you happy is important and for many, not as easy as first thought.

The journey is enlightening, challenging and exciting in equal measure though. Without wanting to sound overly dramatic, sometimes these things (and let's face it, divorce is a life changing event) can force you to look at yourself, really look at who you are, in a way that you wouldn't otherwise have had to do.

I haven't found the key to happiness yet, but I'll write a book and offer a PH discount when I do

Try and smile guys and remember we're here for a good time not a long time. When your number comes up, the size of your house is unlikely to be one of memories that flashes before your eyes.

Great post. I'm in exactly the same situation in terms of having put the worst of it all behind me and now completely re-evaluating life and what I gain from it. I've got into a fitness regime for the first time in my life and I'm doing my grade 8 piano exam in a few weeks time, just two things which were on the back burner for years. I'm off on a jaunt to Prague in the M5 later this week and then stopping at a stag at the ring on the way back, and I don't have to stop and seek anyone else's approval. I feel much more secure about myself than I have for a long time. Like somebody said, its almost like being 18 all over again - free as a bird, and skint! (another solicitor bill just hit the mat)

Edited by PAUL500 on Sunday 4th June 21:08