Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
mr_spock said:
We're exchanging on the house this morning after lots of the usual messing about on completion dates, moving company booked, now the packing starts. I had a few days away with the kids too, which went well although it was very odd not having her along.
About 6 weeks to go... and then I'll start a "How do I make this house prettier" thread!
Massive congratulations Sir!About 6 weeks to go... and then I'll start a "How do I make this house prettier" thread!
designforlife said:
Unfortunately my brother heard these very words from his wife of 6 years last week.
He's 30, shes 27, and they have a 2 year old kid and a house.
I'm gutted for him, as in my experience, once a woman has emotionally checked out like this, there's no real going back.
It's been his only serious relationship and the poor guy just isn't emotionally equipped for this.
Without meaning to sound like a bitter cliche, women who 'check out emotionally' from a relationship usually have a replacement lined up. Sounds like your brother is a bit fragile, but you should probably be preparing him for the potential of more painful news.He's 30, shes 27, and they have a 2 year old kid and a house.
I'm gutted for him, as in my experience, once a woman has emotionally checked out like this, there's no real going back.
It's been his only serious relationship and the poor guy just isn't emotionally equipped for this.
mjb1 said:
designforlife said:
Unfortunately my brother heard these very words from his wife of 6 years last week.
He's 30, shes 27, and they have a 2 year old kid and a house.
I'm gutted for him, as in my experience, once a woman has emotionally checked out like this, there's no real going back.
It's been his only serious relationship and the poor guy just isn't emotionally equipped for this.
Without meaning to sound like a bitter cliche, women who 'check out emotionally' from a relationship usually have a replacement lined up. Sounds like your brother is a bit fragile, but you should probably be preparing him for the potential of more painful news.He's 30, shes 27, and they have a 2 year old kid and a house.
I'm gutted for him, as in my experience, once a woman has emotionally checked out like this, there's no real going back.
It's been his only serious relationship and the poor guy just isn't emotionally equipped for this.
designforlife said:
Yeah my thoughts too tbh...hopefully it isn't that.
There's no point in hoping that isn't the case when it probably is... as said above, when women emotionally check out of a relationship they have very often formed a new emotional attachment.My two brothers (both on PH) were instrumental in helping me through the early days of separation when I was walking around in an absolute daze, so keep a close eye on him, especially if he is particularly fragile or inexperienced with these matters.
dumab said:
Plate spinner said:
On seeing my place now, people have said 'yes, this is very you'. Perfect, I'll take that as a compliment (I think!)
It's not! I get told that too, my place is a stereotypical bachelor pad. Clean lines, no clutter, fancy lights, big tv and a stereo worth 3 mortgage payments.
The first date who visited looked around and said "haha, this is such a bloke's place".
Well surely she'd have had concerns if it was clear a woman was living here too!!
Then I wondered exactly how many blokes places she'd frequented to be such an expert
theboss said:
There's no point in hoping that isn't the case when it probably is... as said above, when women emotionally check out of a relationship they have very often formed a new emotional attachment.
My two brothers (both on PH) were instrumental in helping me through the early days of separation when I was walking around in an absolute daze, so keep a close eye on him, especially if he is particularly fragile or inexperienced with these matters.
+ 1 Those who least expect it (i.e most blokes......) tend to need far more help and general support than they will be willing to admit.My two brothers (both on PH) were instrumental in helping me through the early days of separation when I was walking around in an absolute daze, so keep a close eye on him, especially if he is particularly fragile or inexperienced with these matters.
theboss said:
There's no point in hoping that isn't the case when it probably is... as said above, when women emotionally check out of a relationship they have very often formed a new emotional attachment.
Yeah, it does seem that a majority of women are branch swingers to one degree or another. What I find odd is the guy who knowingly collects a branch swinger. "Yes you should leave him, be with me!"
f
k that - if you're not serious about her then you're playing with people's lives and that makes you a selfish dick. And if you are serious then you've seen first hand what she's done it to the last bloke - you can bet your last pound she'll do it to you at any time in the future if she fancies it.
Funny old world.
Robertj21a said:
theboss said:
There's no point in hoping that isn't the case when it probably is... as said above, when women emotionally check out of a relationship they have very often formed a new emotional attachment.
My two brothers (both on PH) were instrumental in helping me through the early days of separation when I was walking around in an absolute daze, so keep a close eye on him, especially if he is particularly fragile or inexperienced with these matters.
+ 1 Those who least expect it (i.e most blokes......) tend to need far more help and general support than they will be willing to admit.My two brothers (both on PH) were instrumental in helping me through the early days of separation when I was walking around in an absolute daze, so keep a close eye on him, especially if he is particularly fragile or inexperienced with these matters.
That food actually fed me, and the kids when I had them, for over a month. A massive help when I really couldn't function properly.
theboss said:
One of the things which I found most touching, and hugely practical, was my best mate who travelled up right at the point when she was extracting her stuff from the house and causing a lot of extra stress in the process. He got me out of the house, took me to Waitrose and loaded a trolley with meat and veg. Went home and got all the biggest pans in the kitchen and then cooked 4 giant batches of foods - a jambalaya, bolognese, chilli and so on... then put in freezer bags. I was totally out of it - hadn't slept or eaten for about 3 days and the anguish was immense.
That food actually fed me, and the kids when I had them, for over a month. A massive help when I really couldn't function properly.
Excellent stuff. My concern is also related to those blokes who just go very quiet, cheerfully say that they are fine, coping ok etc - I just don't believe them and, to me, they are a serious concern, and possible danger to themselves.That food actually fed me, and the kids when I had them, for over a month. A massive help when I really couldn't function properly.
theboss said:
Robertj21a said:
theboss said:
There's no point in hoping that isn't the case when it probably is... as said above, when women emotionally check out of a relationship they have very often formed a new emotional attachment.
My two brothers (both on PH) were instrumental in helping me through the early days of separation when I was walking around in an absolute daze, so keep a close eye on him, especially if he is particularly fragile or inexperienced with these matters.
+ 1 Those who least expect it (i.e most blokes......) tend to need far more help and general support than they will be willing to admit.My two brothers (both on PH) were instrumental in helping me through the early days of separation when I was walking around in an absolute daze, so keep a close eye on him, especially if he is particularly fragile or inexperienced with these matters.
That food actually fed me, and the kids when I had them, for over a month. A massive help when I really couldn't function properly.
sjc said:
theboss said:
Robertj21a said:
theboss said:
There's no point in hoping that isn't the case when it probably is... as said above, when women emotionally check out of a relationship they have very often formed a new emotional attachment.
My two brothers (both on PH) were instrumental in helping me through the early days of separation when I was walking around in an absolute daze, so keep a close eye on him, especially if he is particularly fragile or inexperienced with these matters.
+ 1 Those who least expect it (i.e most blokes......) tend to need far more help and general support than they will be willing to admit.My two brothers (both on PH) were instrumental in helping me through the early days of separation when I was walking around in an absolute daze, so keep a close eye on him, especially if he is particularly fragile or inexperienced with these matters.
That food actually fed me, and the kids when I had them, for over a month. A massive help when I really couldn't function properly.
Robertj21a said:
Excellent stuff. My concern is also related to those blokes who just go very quiet, cheerfully say that they are fine, coping ok etc - I just don't believe them and, to me, they are a serious concern, and possible danger to themselves.
It's a concern for me, our dad killed himself when I was 8 and my brother 6...I'm very conscious that this event could lead to him sliding into depression.As it is on weds night when she "broke the news" he went out and drank a litre bottle of whisky, and passed out on a grass verge about half a mile from the house.
I've tried to open a dialogue with him, but he isn't talking to me about it yet, i've been there and done that when it comes to bad breakups, so i know i can help him, but i don't want to be overbearing or drag it out of him.
Joey Deacon said:
Change 1 bedroom flat to parents house and you have totally described my situation, even down to a guy she used to go to school with. Again I was suspicious but trusted her but looking back it was textbook.
For me, very similar - even down to the guy she knew from school. Were both living in different countries but Facebook shortened distances and then suspiciously frequent "business trips" to her home country of Norway. In my case though, change out 1 bedroom flat for large family home with even larger mortgage, due to her failed company. Mortgage was earlier signed over to me alone to "protect the house from creditors". It was all planned, did not know a thing until too late.johnwilliams77 said:
That man deserves a pint or two. You're lucky to have such a friend.
Don't I know it. He's had more than a pint or two out of me since - in fact I was in Bruges with him just last weekend and we got smashed on Belgium's finest together. Not a word mentioned about last year other than me saying how lucky I was to have the right people in my life, just as you say. Top guy indeed.Thought I'd pop back with an update. Packing boxes have arrived, I'll start next week. We've started a spreadsheet to help record who's having what, and although she now wants the TV and some other stuff I was expecting it doesn't matter, she needs it so she can have it. Only sticking point: Christmas decorations. Yes, really. We can scan photos, copy DVDs, but can't duplicate 18 years of memories of Christmas with the kids. I only want one, probably the first one we got, but we couldn't agree on that.
There's some behaviour that I feel is a bit petty coming my way, I suppose that's inevitable and could be worse. Stupid stuff, but the kids are seeing it which bothers me a bit.
And now, for some reason which escapes me, I'm feeling terribly, terribly low. I haven't felt this bad since the start of the year. My counsellor is away for a couple of weeks, so I'm a bit limited on someone to talk to which doesn't help. I'm sitting here, pretending to work, ready to burst into tears and I don't know why. It must be getting to me.
I'm away for the weekend with some mates, which may help, but... well, I'm out of words now.
And breathe... 43 days to go.
There's some behaviour that I feel is a bit petty coming my way, I suppose that's inevitable and could be worse. Stupid stuff, but the kids are seeing it which bothers me a bit.
And now, for some reason which escapes me, I'm feeling terribly, terribly low. I haven't felt this bad since the start of the year. My counsellor is away for a couple of weeks, so I'm a bit limited on someone to talk to which doesn't help. I'm sitting here, pretending to work, ready to burst into tears and I don't know why. It must be getting to me.
I'm away for the weekend with some mates, which may help, but... well, I'm out of words now.
And breathe... 43 days to go.
mr_spock said:
Thought I'd pop back with an update. Packing boxes have arrived, I'll start next week. We've started a spreadsheet to help record who's having what, and although she now wants the TV and some other stuff I was expecting it doesn't matter, she needs it so she can have it. Only sticking point: Christmas decorations. Yes, really. We can scan photos, copy DVDs, but can't duplicate 18 years of memories of Christmas with the kids. I only want one, probably the first one we got, but we couldn't agree on that.
Just let her have it, at the end of the day it is just stuff. You have the memories and she can never take them away from you.mr_spock said:
And now, for some reason which escapes me, I'm feeling terribly, terribly low. I haven't felt this bad since the start of the year. My counsellor is away for a couple of weeks, so I'm a bit limited on someone to talk to which doesn't help. I'm sitting here, pretending to work, ready to burst into tears and I don't know why. It must be getting to me.
Totally normal, the exact same thing happened to me. If is a combination of fear of the future, adjusting to a new life when you really don't want to and almost a feeling of failure. I remember lying awake at 3AM running through the whole marriage in my head and wondering what I could have done to stop this happening.Joey Deacon said:
mr_spock said:
And now, for some reason which escapes me, I'm feeling terribly, terribly low. I haven't felt this bad since the start of the year. My counsellor is away for a couple of weeks, so I'm a bit limited on someone to talk to which doesn't help. I'm sitting here, pretending to work, ready to burst into tears and I don't know why. It must be getting to me.
Totally normal, the exact same thing happened to me. If is a combination of fear of the future, adjusting to a new life when you really don't want to and almost a feeling of failure. I remember lying awake at 3AM running through the whole marriage in my head and wondering what I could have done to stop this happening.I'm 15 months down the road now and still sometimes have moments of total regret for whats happened (even though her decision to have a long term affair and then leave me for dead just after a crippling health degradation was out of my hands).
Wolfer said:
Anyone had this?
Before you say, no pics, no-one else involved, just came out the blue tonight.
20 years, from 16 years old, no kids, live and work together, not one problem in 20 years, one slip-up a few years back when she had depression, but thats it.
Says she still cares for me, doesn't want me to move out, but sat here now (pissed) wondering "wtf"
Reckon this is it chaps?
If it was me I would just let her get on with it, there are as said strange creatures ! Think of the positives for 20 odd years now you have spent trying to keep her happy doing what she wants to do or getting grief for going out when she said it would be ok, where as now just do some sBefore you say, no pics, no-one else involved, just came out the blue tonight.
20 years, from 16 years old, no kids, live and work together, not one problem in 20 years, one slip-up a few years back when she had depression, but thats it.
Says she still cares for me, doesn't want me to move out, but sat here now (pissed) wondering "wtf"
Reckon this is it chaps?
t for yourself for a change without any worries and I guarantee 2 things will happen, 1 she will realise the grass aint greener or 2 you will be having such a good time you won't give a fk anyway. What ever you do just don't dwell on it theres plenty of years left to enjoy yet. Hope all goes ok 
She's been fine about everything else. Originally she didn't want the TV etc. because her proposed place didn't have room. She's now buying somewhere else, so now wants it. I am keeping one from work which we use for exhibitions etc., she says I have that one. Meh, don't care much. Since the place I'm buying has wiring for a more modern TV, I'll buy another. I think it's more about her saving money.
We've agreed on ornaments, furniture, cutlery even. Even our wedding album. Just this one thing...
Anyway, I feel a bit better now. Will see how the land lies next week.
We've agreed on ornaments, furniture, cutlery even. Even our wedding album. Just this one thing...
Anyway, I feel a bit better now. Will see how the land lies next week.
Mate, let her have whatever IMO. If there's a big financial differential then offset some cash.
Personally I wanted nothing we'd bought together or held any sentiment value relating to our marriage. It's history and I have no need for physical reminders. I have some cherished memories, that'll do.
I left the lot except some artwork I bought (that she never ever liked apparently)
Fresh start. New beginning, new place, new stuff - that was my motto.
Personally I wanted nothing we'd bought together or held any sentiment value relating to our marriage. It's history and I have no need for physical reminders. I have some cherished memories, that'll do.
I left the lot except some artwork I bought (that she never ever liked apparently
)Fresh start. New beginning, new place, new stuff - that was my motto.
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