Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
mr_spock said:
I thought I'd pop back with an update, since I know there are lots of people on here who are going through stuff like this and will visit this thread.
We're packing the house now, moving in about 3 weeks. Kids' exam results are in, and they were pretty good, so uni and 6th form are sorted. It's a relief to know they're in good shape, at least as far as education goes. They're both stressed and it shows a bit, some short tempers around the house. Largely we've been able to divide possessions without even discussing it, we just seem to know, and generally we don't want the same stuff anyway. Mementoes are in the loft, that will be harder. A job for next week.
I'm feeling pretty bad about what feels like the impending loss of family - not having my kids there in the morning. However, this is dumb really, since the older one has been boarding for some years and is off to Uni anyway, and the younger one will be part-boarding and spending a fair number of weekends with me. But the emotions persist despite the logic (damn my half-human ancestry
). I wish I could be more Spock-like!
More soon. Hope you all are managing ok.
Fantastic that the kids exam results haven't suffered. I think it will just take a bit of time to get used to things being different, kids not being around isn't he same loosing them, many other dads will have it far worse with lack of any access.We're packing the house now, moving in about 3 weeks. Kids' exam results are in, and they were pretty good, so uni and 6th form are sorted. It's a relief to know they're in good shape, at least as far as education goes. They're both stressed and it shows a bit, some short tempers around the house. Largely we've been able to divide possessions without even discussing it, we just seem to know, and generally we don't want the same stuff anyway. Mementoes are in the loft, that will be harder. A job for next week.
I'm feeling pretty bad about what feels like the impending loss of family - not having my kids there in the morning. However, this is dumb really, since the older one has been boarding for some years and is off to Uni anyway, and the younger one will be part-boarding and spending a fair number of weekends with me. But the emotions persist despite the logic (damn my half-human ancestry
). I wish I could be more Spock-like!More soon. Hope you all are managing ok.
Give it a bit more time, stay busy,
Vincefox said:
Whattodonow said:
f
k me, I clearly dont like having an easy life!!!!
So, the dust all settled and I started to look forward to things again. I got a new place, my light at the end of the tunnel where I could make a life for my son and I. Everything looked great. I was still sad to have lost her, but I could see my future again. We were communicating amicably too which I really liked, it was like we could be great friends again as there was no pressure.
I had only been in my place 4 days, sitting watching TV, exchanging a few messages with her. Next thing I know and the messages heat up a bit and she ends up coming over. We slept together over the course of the next few days, with her telling me "its just sex, please dont tell him"
Within a few days, she basically cut off the new guy and asked if we could ever just start again. I stupidly agreed that we could take things slowly and see where it went from there.
A week later she contacted him to go collect her stuff and met with him that morning. they talked. That evening she told me that she missed him and still had feelings, could we back things off until she got him out of her head. Another week passed and she went to see him again, returned and told me, they're giving it another go.
I feel totally stupid. How the fk could I let her back in again only to be hurt again.
I think the false hope built up over the last few weeks only to be trampled on again is the hardest thing for me to deal with, I mean how can you do that to someone you claim to have any feelings for?
Mate, have a f**king word with yourself. How many warnings do you need?k me, I clearly dont like having an easy life!!!!So, the dust all settled and I started to look forward to things again. I got a new place, my light at the end of the tunnel where I could make a life for my son and I. Everything looked great. I was still sad to have lost her, but I could see my future again. We were communicating amicably too which I really liked, it was like we could be great friends again as there was no pressure.
I had only been in my place 4 days, sitting watching TV, exchanging a few messages with her. Next thing I know and the messages heat up a bit and she ends up coming over. We slept together over the course of the next few days, with her telling me "its just sex, please dont tell him"
Within a few days, she basically cut off the new guy and asked if we could ever just start again. I stupidly agreed that we could take things slowly and see where it went from there.
A week later she contacted him to go collect her stuff and met with him that morning. they talked. That evening she told me that she missed him and still had feelings, could we back things off until she got him out of her head. Another week passed and she went to see him again, returned and told me, they're giving it another go.
I feel totally stupid. How the f
k could I let her back in again only to be hurt again. I think the false hope built up over the last few weeks only to be trampled on again is the hardest thing for me to deal with, I mean how can you do that to someone you claim to have any feelings for?
absolute mugMine are a lot older - 18 and 16 - so don't really want to socialise with me much. Still, I miss having them in the house when they're away at school, or on some activity or other. I worry that it will be even worse after I'm on my own, but that's probably just fear of the unknown.
I hate mornings, I'll be fine by lunch time.
I hate mornings, I'll be fine by lunch time.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Nice one, Tonker!Wish my dad had done all that sort of stuff when he and my mum split up. I was 4. I'm now 47. It's affected our relationship ever since, and I now don't speak with him at all.
Anyway, DB9, huh? You'll be fighting the lasses off with a s
tty stick soon. 
ENJOY your time with your son.
Things do get better, and I appreciate this thread as it has given me some useful points of reference and very helpful sources of advice.
Long story
Early December she went on a long-planned holiday to see her parents in Sydney and our son went too. I had never planned to go as I couldn't afford to, but was happy for them to go when the idea was first floated. Things had calmed a little, and after many long discussions, we agreed to not just let the marriage die and would attend counselling to see if we could work at rebuilding our relationship. To this end, I also started to work on the things that she had raised as points of concern in our lives - such as reduce clutter in the house (and garage) with a view to downsizing to help improve the financial situation. This all came crashing to a halt when I discovered that approximately 4 hours after the original conversation she had jumped into bed with someone else, and then continued to f
k him on a regular basis up until the point she left for Australia. What really made me feel sick was that people from where she worked, who I considered mutual friends had been helping her cover this up. Often lying directly to my face about her whereabouts. It was a real sucker punch, and I was really glad for the counsel of a few close friends and the support of my brothers.Trust was now our biggest problem, and once she returned from Sydney it became clear that things between us were worse than ever. We were going to separate, but neither of us could afford to move out. What followed was a near 7 months of hell with us living under the same roof, one of us having the comfy bed and the other sleeping on the crappy sofa bed in the lounge. Constant friction and stress, plus the reminder of what she had done, it at times was very testing. Many Saturday nights I would be left at home looking after our son whilst she went out. Apparently it was none of my business where she went or what time she returned. I took great comfort from spending plenty of quality time with my son and properly bonding with him, something that had been a little lacking for a while due to undiagnosed depression.
The further along we got living under the same roof, the more that my shock and grief was slowly turning to relief, that actually although hard for me to initially stomach, separating was actually going to be the right course of action. All the things about her that in the past I had tolerated (because that's what you do, overlook each others minor flaws) I was finding to be a constant source of irritation. Her bahaviour and some of her callous actions towards me during this time just further reinforced that I was making a lucky escape.
Counselling really helped me with the depression, as did Step change for the money issues.....which to a degree were part of the root cause.
Fast forward to the end of July and my ex moved out, not without trying to make life difficult first. Even down to the promised army of helpers failing to materialise, meaning that it was myself and my brother who moved all her stuff (and a lot of things I had paid for) out. I didn't argue over the division of stuff, I was glad to be shot of her!
One thing we had managed to remain amicable about was our son. We were able to draw up a rota as to when he would be with each of us, ensuring he would spend an equal amount of time with each of us, and arranging for forthcoming school club fees to be split equally.
I finally began to relax and feel that life was settling down...........until mid-August. As a result of leaving the house, she was now in violation of her spousal visa. Because she had procrastinated for many months and failed to read the small print and various guides, the visa that she was arranging through her work can only be applied for from outside of the UK. It was too far down the process to stop and apply for a parental visa, unless she wished to repay the amount of money her work were providing as sponsorship (far too much). So she would be going back to Australia for an indeterminate length of time. How nice it would be to take our son with us for a holiday to see his grandparents and other relatives and have some lovely fun.
The only snag is that she was intending to fly out after he had attended his very first day at school. Naturally I politely declined this suggestion as I did not feel it was in my sons best interests to miss at least 3-4 weeks of his first year at school. A time when all the children are making bonds, forming friendship groups and settling into a new routine, getting to know all their teachers etc. Any other time and I would have had far less reservations.
I believed this to be the end of the matter until last week when she started making noises about needing his birth certificate and passport as a backup plan in case for whatever reason the work sponsored visa was rejected. She would need these documents to prove her parentage and be able to apply for a parental visa. Cynicism kicked in here and I said she could have the documents, but not till she was about to get on the plane.
The next day she came round to collect her share of the deposit early (see thread in S,P&L) but instead decided to swipe my sons passport (stuffed it down her bra and threatened to call the police citing assault if I attempted retrieval) and refuse it's return to me. Apparently, my refusal to initially hand over the passport etc was stressing her out greatly as 'this is her visa', and the thought of it not being granted is causing her a lot of distress. I chose not to point out that the whole situation was all down to her in the first place. Incidentally she did not take the cash, which would prove handy.
At this point, given a recent change in our agreed care plans, to allow for a Saturday trip out, I was in very real fear that my son was about to be abducted out of the UK. I was very swiftly onto a solicitor, and they agreed with my thoughts too. End result, went in front of a court the next day with a form c100 and a Prohibitive Services Order was granted. Much relief, along with an instruction for the passport to be placed into the care of my solicitors, and to be released to the ex on the day of travel pending a phone call from myself to confirm my son is under my care. About as good as I could have hoped for. Albeit I will now be a single parent for a while..........things will be nice and calm.
As to my own life, I have filled my time well, joining a gym, doing a little more car stuff than before, spending plenty of time with my son and parents (a recent highlight being Herne Bay airshow, glad I took ear defenders for my son!). I also joined a casual dating website a little while ago, as I didn't feel ready for a full on relationship, but didn't want the services of a professional. I am quite surprised at the level of success I have enjoyed, nice little boost to the self-confidence given the utter hammering it took when I got the conversation. That was a part I had not been expecting in the breakup process.
TL:DR - life will be s
te for a while, it does get better. The snakes with tits will often still try to make life difficult and hurt you in any way they can. Don't give them the opportunity.Get out and shag as many women as you can! Keep going, the light at the end of the tunnel really isn't a train coming the other way!!
McVities said:
The further along we got living under the same roof, the more that my shock and grief was slowly turning to relief, that actually although hard for me to initially stomach, separating was actually going to be the right course of action. All the things about her that in the past I had tolerated (because that's what you do, overlook each others minor flaws) I was finding to be a constant source of irritation. Her bahaviour and some of her callous actions towards me during this time just further reinforced that I was making a lucky escape.
This. Well done, really - I hope you're properly proud of yourself! (No sarcasm, you should be).theboss said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Yep. I was reading with dread leading up to the part where she swiped the passport so very relieved to see this dealt with urgently and properly in the court. Well done.Does this mean she f
ked off back to Aus on her own?I am still very cynical, so would not put it past her to register my son as an Australian citizen. I am lodging an objection with the high commission to the issuing of any Australian travel documents for him. Have I missed anything?
McVities said:
She is going next Friday........apparently she will be back once her visa is granted.
I am still very cynical, so would not put it past her to register my son as an Australian citizen. I am lodging an objection with the high commission to the issuing of any Australian travel documents for him. Have I missed anything?
I have no idea how the rules apply for a youngster who may end up with dual nationalities - presumably if he was registered here and has a UK passport you can insist he remains in the UK? I would hope that is the case.I am still very cynical, so would not put it past her to register my son as an Australian citizen. I am lodging an objection with the high commission to the issuing of any Australian travel documents for him. Have I missed anything?
Obviously you'll now be caring for him full time and ensuring that a routine gets established which you wouldn't reasonably wish to disrupt save for him having contact with his mother as and when she is eligible and able to be here. I'm sure that will go in your favour. Hopefully others know more but a prosective custody battle between the UK and Aus sounds like an absolute nightmare. How old is the lad?
In an ideal world, the ex will get her visa and return to these shores to continue in her job without thoughts of leaving for good.
Whilst I try to be attentive and caring, diligent and fair but not a pushover. I am by no means perfect, and I recognise that my son (going to be 5 in November) will also want and need to have his mum in his life. At no point in time do I wish to deprive him of that........I can't say I fully believe it's the same the other way round. I don't want a custody battle, and having it conducted half way round the world would be a living nightmare. I just want what is best for my son.
I guess I am hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
Apologies for the question if it upsets anyone but have read this thread front to back with much interest
Something I wondered of those that have been through some truly rough times
In retrospect, looking back to happier times earlier on in your relationships, were there any signs that they might not be "the one"? Were the happier times really as happy as your thought?
For the ones cheated on I dont mean were there instances where you thought it was already happening etc. What I mean is was it a full on U-turn and before then you were both 100% into the relationship and the change was just completely unexpected or was there any element of taking it to the next step because it had been a few years and perhaps you btoh werent really into it but you did it anyway, etc?
Something I wondered of those that have been through some truly rough times
In retrospect, looking back to happier times earlier on in your relationships, were there any signs that they might not be "the one"? Were the happier times really as happy as your thought?
For the ones cheated on I dont mean were there instances where you thought it was already happening etc. What I mean is was it a full on U-turn and before then you were both 100% into the relationship and the change was just completely unexpected or was there any element of taking it to the next step because it had been a few years and perhaps you btoh werent really into it but you did it anyway, etc?
menousername said:
Apologies for the question if it upsets anyone but have read this thread front to back with much interest
Something I wondered of those that have been through some truly rough times
In retrospect, looking back to happier times earlier on in your relationships, were there any signs that they might not be "the one"? Were the happier times really as happy as your thought?
For the ones cheated on I dont mean were there instances where you thought it was already happening etc. What I mean is was it a full on U-turn and before then you were both 100% into the relationship and the change was just completely unexpected or was there any element of taking it to the next step because it had been a few years and perhaps you btoh werent really into it but you did it anyway, etc?
In my case there were several 'red flags' right from the start.Something I wondered of those that have been through some truly rough times
In retrospect, looking back to happier times earlier on in your relationships, were there any signs that they might not be "the one"? Were the happier times really as happy as your thought?
For the ones cheated on I dont mean were there instances where you thought it was already happening etc. What I mean is was it a full on U-turn and before then you were both 100% into the relationship and the change was just completely unexpected or was there any element of taking it to the next step because it had been a few years and perhaps you btoh werent really into it but you did it anyway, etc?
Always had lots of male friends/admirers.
She cheated on her previous boyfriend.
She once admitted she had a crush on a co worker.
She was also financially irresponsible and never paid any major bills
I choose to suppress/ignore these and married her and
sure enough she cheated on me with an old school friend.
menousername said:
Apologies for the question if it upsets anyone but have read this thread front to back with much interest
Something I wondered of those that have been through some truly rough times
In retrospect, looking back to happier times earlier on in your relationships, were there any signs that they might not be "the one"? Were the happier times really as happy as your thought?
For the ones cheated on I dont mean were there instances where you thought it was already happening etc. What I mean is was it a full on U-turn and before then you were both 100% into the relationship and the change was just completely unexpected or was there any element of taking it to the next step because it had been a few years and perhaps you btoh werent really into it but you did it anyway, etc?
I've experienced it both ways. With one girl we went from everything being great to her turning cold overnight. No warning signs before that, but after everything I did irked her - I could do no right, and that was her way of blaming the breakdown on me. Reality was that she had already emotionally vacated the relationship, while I thought we were just going through a bit of a rough patch, and she had already got one of my best friends lined up as a replacement.Something I wondered of those that have been through some truly rough times
In retrospect, looking back to happier times earlier on in your relationships, were there any signs that they might not be "the one"? Were the happier times really as happy as your thought?
For the ones cheated on I dont mean were there instances where you thought it was already happening etc. What I mean is was it a full on U-turn and before then you were both 100% into the relationship and the change was just completely unexpected or was there any element of taking it to the next step because it had been a few years and perhaps you btoh werent really into it but you did it anyway, etc?
In another relationship, I there were warning signs right from day one, but I brushed them under the carpet, and gave her my full trust. With hindsight, I was being taken for a mug right from the start.
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