Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Plate spinner said:
Yup, cooling off and reflection.
She's moved on - as difficult as this, it's a fact you just need to come to terms with.
And remember it's not all bad. As much as you're going to have to deal with not having the future you thought was yours, at some point you'll be in a state of undress with some new lovely and you'll think "wow, this is cool and wouldn't have happended if I'd still been married... this is not all bad"
Your relationship with your kids is the most important thing right? Just focus on that, it's a great way to keep you sane during the ups and downs.
If you need to vent your frustrations, do it in a safe place with no reprecussions, like here.
And look after you - eat as well as you can and take some exercise - great way to feel better on a daily basis. And if that is not your current life style, then what better time to start making changes?!
I started the Gym again a few weeks ago and started eating a bit better so it's a start. I work in one so seems silly not to. Found it hard when i had the kids on the weekend to try ignoring everything going on in my mind about what she was up to, I guess as mentioned that should go in time once i find things to occupy myself with. She's moved on - as difficult as this, it's a fact you just need to come to terms with.
And remember it's not all bad. As much as you're going to have to deal with not having the future you thought was yours, at some point you'll be in a state of undress with some new lovely and you'll think "wow, this is cool and wouldn't have happended if I'd still been married... this is not all bad"
Your relationship with your kids is the most important thing right? Just focus on that, it's a great way to keep you sane during the ups and downs.
If you need to vent your frustrations, do it in a safe place with no reprecussions, like here.
And look after you - eat as well as you can and take some exercise - great way to feel better on a daily basis. And if that is not your current life style, then what better time to start making changes?!
Edited by Plate spinner on Monday 23 April 08:59
i have been told by friends and family to start looking after number 1 as that is all she has been doing the whole time. It's new grounds again if i am honest as i spent my time making sure her and the kids came first before anything else.
I have had a PM from someone on here. Apologies for not responding just yet but will get round to it today.
Stratton oakmont said:
I started the Gym again a few weeks ago and started eating a bit better so it's a start. I work in one so seems silly not to. Found it hard when i had the kids on the weekend to try ignoring everything going on in my mind about what she was up to, I guess as mentioned that should go in time once i find things to occupy myself with.
i have been told by friends and family to start looking after number 1 as that is all she has been doing the whole time. It's new grounds again if i am honest as i spent my time making sure her and the kids came first before anything else.
I have had a PM from someone on here. Apologies for not responding just yet but will get round to it today.
Sorry to say but it always seems to me that it's us guys who always try to treat their wife/partner first that end up being trampled all over. I guess they just feel that it's easier to be a bi have been told by friends and family to start looking after number 1 as that is all she has been doing the whole time. It's new grounds again if i am honest as i spent my time making sure her and the kids came first before anything else.
I have had a PM from someone on here. Apologies for not responding just yet but will get round to it today.
h to someone who is less likely to react.Adam B said:
no, you just don't tend to get posts from guys on PH who have treated their partners / families horribly
Agreed. Mrs C has a friend who's husband genuinely expects her to take their two children out of private school and move to a much smaller house just so he has more money to spend on shacking up with his new squeeze. Wife gave up a promising career in fine art 11 years ago to be a full-time mother and is really going to struggle to get back into the same line of work, even if she could make the childcare work.The best answer to spiteful wives is just to get on with your life. They love to see you fall to bits over them, its such an ego boost. As someone mentioned, they rarely split up without someone to move on to. Most of all, don't do anything they can bad mouth you to the kids with. Try and rise above it. Roll the shutter down. It takes a while to get over, but you do in the end. Just don't f ck it up with the kids.
stuttgartmetal said:
The best answer to spiteful wives is just to get on with your life. They love to see you fall to bits over them, its such an ego boost. As someone mentioned, they rarely split up without someone to move on to. Most of all, don't do anything they can bad mouth you to the kids with. Try and rise above it. Roll the shutter down. It takes a while to get over, but you do in the end. Just don't f ck it up with the kids.
Agreed. Perhaps we should draw up a proper Manual on how to act/react when your wife does the dirty on you !Robertj21a said:
Agreed. Perhaps we should draw up a proper Manual on how to act/react when your wife does the dirty on you !
Rule number one, be super nice to the new man in her life to the point of making it obvious that you actually pity the man and he will see that you are actually not the guy that she described to him.When he has had enough and dumps her, you and him could be mates, think how much that would piss her off..
Shuvi McTupya said:
Rule number one, be super nice to the new man in her life to the point of making it obvious that you actually pity the man and he will see that you are actually not the guy that she described to him.
When he has had enough and dumps her, you and him could be mates, think how much that would piss her off..
I think this is feasible for any new relationship which forms after the separation - but when the inevitable truth is that this new partner was actually an affair partner, possibly for some time prior to breaking up, it’s not going to happen.When he has had enough and dumps her, you and him could be mates, think how much that would piss her off..
My wife is back with the man she cheated with for several years. I couldn’t care less. However I won’t be having a beer with him any time. It’s actually a shame because it would be quite reasonable otherwise for parents and new partners to be able to do some things together eg kids parties.
Shuvi McTupya said:
Robertj21a said:
Agreed. Perhaps we should draw up a proper Manual on how to act/react when your wife does the dirty on you !
Rule number one, be super nice to the new man in her life to the point of making it obvious that you actually pity the man and he will see that you are actually not the guy that she described to him.When he has had enough and dumps her, you and him could be mates, think how much that would piss her off..
Rule 2 - Always be pleasant and polite, never swear or lose your temper
Rule 3 - Smile a lot, come over as a happy (relieved!) sort of guy
Rule 4 - Don't use the kids as any part of the battle, but try to ensure their interests are the top priority
etc etc.....
V8 FOU said:
Never been in that situation that you guys have.
But, try this.
Having had a number of relationships, I found the woman I always wanted. Got married after 2 years. Fast forward 18 months to Boxing Day 2008. Off we went on a new trike to the regular bike meeting. Next thing I knew was waking up in hospital with just about everything in plaster. Broken neck, shattered left ankle and left wrist. Seriously dislocated right shoulder. Damaged kidneys. Broken face. Then best mate dropped the really bad news. She died in the accident.
I'm still hurting physically and mentally. Still taking 20 odd pills a day for pain, depression, etc,etc.
But after 20+ operations, every time I wake it's a bonus.
Sooooo, what I am trying to say is make the most of your life and situation. You never know when it might be snatched away from you.
I read this post yesterday. Made me kiss my wife when I got home and took her out for a pick nick at 7 pm in the cold. (It’s our thing, pick nicks not the cold), sat there overlooking the river. Made me really appreciate what I have. (I’m on my second wife and may post my story someday of the first (Canadian, hey boy))But, try this.
Having had a number of relationships, I found the woman I always wanted. Got married after 2 years. Fast forward 18 months to Boxing Day 2008. Off we went on a new trike to the regular bike meeting. Next thing I knew was waking up in hospital with just about everything in plaster. Broken neck, shattered left ankle and left wrist. Seriously dislocated right shoulder. Damaged kidneys. Broken face. Then best mate dropped the really bad news. She died in the accident.
I'm still hurting physically and mentally. Still taking 20 odd pills a day for pain, depression, etc,etc.
But after 20+ operations, every time I wake it's a bonus.
Sooooo, what I am trying to say is make the most of your life and situation. You never know when it might be snatched away from you.
Hope your recovering well V8FOU
hyphen said:
A perfect example of why some hold out for the whole five years.I would say most posters here focus on the behavior of the ex partners after the split, when the romance has definitely gone and all that is left is a rather grubby division of the family wealth and arguments about the kids.
Obviously the stories are all one sided, but I think it is OK to have one place where you can vent your frustrations at a process that feels stacked against you.
Relationships rarely breakdown over just one thing, and sometimes the reasons given aren't the truth, so who really knows anyway?
In my experience, the nastier they are for no good reason, is generally a cover to try and convince themselves that the grass is greener on the side they're now on. I had a previous ex that was one nasty piece of work. She was venomous and would try say the most hurtful things. But as soon as she had a drink in her, the emotional floodgate texts would start. Jog on love. Rinse and repeat.
zygalski said:
Reading most of the responses on here makes me think that the women involved are better off out of relationships with you blokes.
Most of you seem utterly mystified as to why your relationships broke down with your 'snake with tits' ex.
It's all their fault eh? bks.
Nice try MumsnetMost of you seem utterly mystified as to why your relationships broke down with your 'snake with tits' ex.
It's all their fault eh? b
ks.
All joking aside, I'm not mystified at all and yes it was entirely her fault by the lies, deceit and ultimately making a conscious decision to sleep with another man on at least 4 occasions whilst stringing me along..........
It's a shock to the system that someone i have spent over a decade with, had 3 beautiful children with and held in the highest regard can be the polar opposite of what she portrayed and who i loved all in the space of 3 months (Maybe more) her and the kids were all i ever wanted and ever known up until the evening i found out about her actions and motives. I never once in the whole 12.5 years stopped her from going out, raised my fists to her, controlled her etc which were some of the things she made me out to be to her mother.
I was consistently moaned at for tidying up the house when getting home from work or being stressed out. I worked 2 jobs to support her and our boys at one stage so that she could be the mum she wanted but that still wasn't good enough. I picked her up on nights out before we had kids without fail each time to make sure she came home safe, was there for her at a moments notice at any time of the day and tried to make her want for nothing. When her granddad died last year, she said to her mother that it was a wake up call and she didn't want to be sad and alone like her nan and used this as one of her justifications for sneaking about behind my back.
The same nan who was married for over 50 years and although misses her husband dearly, is happy.
At the moment i feel guilty and hurt, but know deep down that i have caused nothing to warrant her actions and that is something i can hold my head up and say confidently. Her behaviour is reminiscent of a teenager who wants the weekend hook up lifestyle but has the burden of adult responsibility. The only way she will ever know the hurt she has caused is when the time comes for her and she ends up in my position after the person she ultimately ends up with thins her out in such a fashion.
zygalski said:
Reading most of the responses on here makes me think that the women involved are better off out of relationships with you blokes.
Most of you seem utterly mystified as to why your relationships broke down with your 'snake with tits' ex.
It's all their fault eh? bks.
This is a thread about the results of a split, giving actual accounts of what can and does on occasion happen. Its an open debate, those that have had a positive outcome also have the chance to post.Most of you seem utterly mystified as to why your relationships broke down with your 'snake with tits' ex.
It's all their fault eh? b
ks.Human nature is such that those who have had a raw deal need to vent more than those that had a satisfactory ending, so the posts will always be head mainly in that direction.
The over riding evidence though is that if you go through the courts, the man is virtually always on the back foot, and when kids are added into the mix they are used as tools against the dad.
Furthermore hard evidence presented by a man in court is swept to one side, and claims by the woman (with little to any evidence to support) are accepted as facts by the courts. There are enough of us on this thread to confirm such.
No one is saying all woman take such avenues in a separation, this thread just gives advice as to the probable end results when they do.
In my case I warned judge after judge in writing and with evidence what my ex wife would do in relation to my two adopted daughters, which she denied in writing to the court that she would ever do. Post the financial order, where she got everything she asked for and more (72/28 split of assets in her favour), and despite yet another case after that, when the judge further ignored me, 6 weeks later she put my first daughter (12) into care, (just weeks after the house was sold and she had pocketed her ill gotten gains). Now a year later my youngest (11) told me on our Friday contact my ex has told her she no longer wants my other daughter to be living with her either and she is going to end the same, my daughter has also told her social worker this so I am waiting to here from them next)
I thought I was done with courts after over 25 hearings related to all this, seems we are heading back yet again!
Paul, I don’t doubt you’re doing everything possible, but how come the ex calls on the shots on the adopted children to the extent that she can pass them into social care without your intervention? This is so destructive to them and I’m just left astounded that she’s able to do so, especially when your very unequal settlement was made to reflect the fact that she was supposed to be responsible for them.
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