Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[WinstonWolf]

Ari said:

Plate spinner said:

Well I’ll add an update also...

My ex-wife and I recently went to an evening presentation at my eldest son’s school with him.

He was wearing new trainers and quickly said ‘thanks dad, I bought them with mum last weekend and she said they were from the both of you, so yeah, like cheers ’.

Me and her sat together, just like all the ‘normal’ parents, chatted pleasantly about the show, during the interval asked how we were each getting on and shared the odd chuckle.

Following the school event I slipped him a cheeky £20 and said ‘well done tonight my man, mum and I are really proud of you, a little something from the both of us to treat yourself during the holidays’. Obviously he was beaming.

When he went off with his friends, she thanked me and I thanked her. We both agreed we were proud of him and she would let me know during the week how his revision was going and I’d let her know on Sunday how his team did at football.

We wished each other well and went our seperate ways to the new lives we’ve created for ourselves.

My advice to anyone is to simply try to stay friends, even if just for the children. It’s not easy, really it’s not. At times it seems like the most difficult thing in the workd. Swallow your pride if you can. Let anger go, it serves no purpose.

When our son ‘group hugged’ us both that night and said ‘love you both’ it just made the journey worthwhile.

Hang in there PHers, always think things through, play the long game for your kids if you have them.

That only works if you marry a grown up, rather than the pretty one wiv big tits that's way out of your league and yes a little 'ditzy', but she's eva so pretty.

Anyway, your ex sounds nice, why did you divorce her?

That's how my ex and I were with the kids, it pays huge dividends in the long run even if it's all an act.

[bristolracer]

Plate spinner said:

We wished each other well and went our seperate ways to the new lives we’ve created for ourselves.

My advice to anyone is to simply try to stay friends, even if just for the children. It’s not easy, really it’s not. At times it seems like the most difficult thing in the workd. Swallow your pride if you can. Let anger go, it serves no purpose.

In a perfect world yes
Many of us who are dealing with this (I still have issues with my ex 15 years after) simply cannot deal with an ex when so much damage has happened.
When you have been to court in 3 separate cases to get contact with your children,when they have falsely accused you of abusing them,abusing the children, when you have been forced to use a contact centre because she knows she can get away with giving you just that,when you get a solicitors letter for bringing the children back 5 minutes late,when weekend contact is cancelled with 5 minutes notice....
Thats my story among this thread of plenty

I think many of those posting on here are never going to be on good terms with their exes,for many it is damage limitation-being friends is not an option.

[GT03ROB]

bristolracer said:

In a perfect world yes
Many of us who are dealing with this (I still have issues with my ex 15 years after) simply cannot deal with an ex when so much damage has happened.
When you have been to court in 3 separate cases to get contact with your children,when they have falsely accused you of abusing them,abusing the children, when you have been forced to use a contact centre because she knows she can get away with giving you just that,when you get a solicitors letter for bringing the children back 5 minutes late,when weekend contact is cancelled with 5 minutes notice....
Thats my story among this thread of plenty

I think many of those posting on here are never going to be on good terms with their exes,for many it is damage limitation-being friends is not an option.

Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?

[bristolracer]

GT03ROB said:

Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?

When one has been married to somebody so mental,you can only cross bridges as you come to them,what you think will happen and what does cannot be foretold, one is always guessing

I will be civil,I will be polite,I will remember that it is my childs day,
She will probably be the same on the day,but there will be plenty of skulduggery in the run up.

When they have both been married off, it will hopefully be the last time I ever set sight on her

[MYOB]

GT03ROB said:

Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?

You simply have to put your differences aside on such occasions. There's a time and place to be awkward but not on a day that is about the kids.

[Fckitdriveon]

MYOB said:

GT03ROB said:

Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?

You simply have to put your differences aside on such occasions. There's a time and place to be awkward but not on a day that is about the kids.

I d suggest that with a wedding or any other mass gathering of family/friends members there’s probably various narratives playing out with history shared etc.
You d like think that everyone puts that to one side for the sake of why everyone is gathered in the first place.

Obviously it doesn’t always play out that way.

[Timmy40]

Fckitdriveon said:

MYOB said:

GT03ROB said:

Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?

You simply have to put your differences aside on such occasions. There's a time and place to be awkward but not on a day that is about the kids.

I d suggest that with a wedding or any other mass gathering of family/friends members there’s probably various narratives playing out with history shared etc.
You d like think that everyone puts that to one side for the sake of why everyone is gathered in the first place.

Obviously it doesn’t always play out that way.

Did with mine, they're divorced but both sat at the top table at my wedding.

[Stratton oakmont]

Job has been offered to me yesterday afternoon so looks like i will be making the move in the coming months.

I drafted up an agreement a while back which was given to her for scrutiny before signing and the current setup is all stipulated on it. She signed it without hesitation after a few changes regarding the holiday periods so got that all in place before anything decided to go south or any crazy demands were asked.
I know it's an hour away from the kids but i genuinely can't stay in this town anymore or work in the town she was meeting up with him and after her antics over the bank holiday weekend i have zero trust in her and anything she says. It is like she has morphed into someone i don't recognise now and her attitude towards it all is abhorrent.

I won't be accepting anything less then what is already agreed trust me. What i intend to do once i am settled is to see them a lot more if that can be agreed and give them good days out and quality time as that's what it is all about. I would love to be able to stick around locally and try to put on a face of normality for the kids when me and her are in the same room with them but that is something which i find difficult as it's all false and in time there will be another bloke lurking in the background at wherever she ends up. At the same time i took the advice on about not gobbing off or making remarks etc so none of that occurs, it is just pure focus on the kids then walking out. I know what she is like now so i have limited all interaction with her unless it is important details about our kids and i feel much better for it. the emotional attachment to her is now non existent which has been a massive factor in getting through the past few weeks.

[andy-xr]

Stratton oakmont said:

Job has been offered to me yesterday afternoon so looks like i will be making the move in the coming months.

I drafted up an agreement a while back which was given to her for scrutiny before signing and the current setup is all stipulated on it. She signed it without hesitation after a few changes regarding the holiday periods so got that all in place before anything decided to go south or any crazy demands were asked.
I know it's an hour away from the kids but i genuinely can't stay in this town anymore or work in the town she was meeting up with him and after her antics over the bank holiday weekend i have zero trust in her and anything she says. It is like she has morphed into someone i don't recognise now and her attitude towards it all is abhorrent.

I won't be accepting anything less then what is already agreed trust me. What i intend to do once i am settled is to see them a lot more if that can be agreed and give them good days out and quality time as that's what it is all about. I would love to be able to stick around locally and try to put on a face of normality for the kids when me and her are in the same room with them but that is something which i find difficult as it's all false and in time there will be another bloke lurking in the background at wherever she ends up. At the same time i took the advice on about not gobbing off or making remarks etc so none of that occurs, it is just pure focus on the kids then walking out. I know what she is like now so i have limited all interaction with her unless it is important details about our kids and i feel much better for it. the emotional attachment to her is now non existent which has been a massive factor in getting through the past few weeks.

There's a distinct difference between Getting Over It and Moving On.
At some point, hopefully, you'll not care that she's seeing someone else. You might also be in another relationship, you might not.
But at some point it'd be nice to think that you're neither bothered if she's with someone else or on her own.

Because kids.

If you get a bit fked in the process of separating - so what. But distancing yourself from your kids because of your partner (to me anyway) seems like you're massively shooting yourself in the foot which could be used against you for the other foot as well.

[Plate spinner]

An hour is not far though.

[Stratton oakmont]

andy-xr said:

There's a distinct difference between Getting Over It and Moving On.
At some point, hopefully, you'll not care that she's seeing someone else. You might also be in another relationship, you might not.
But at some point it'd be nice to think that you're neither bothered if she's with someone else or on her own.

Because kids.

If you get a bit fked in the process of separating - so what. But distancing yourself from your kids because of your partner (to me anyway) seems like you're massively shooting yourself in the foot which could be used against you for the other foot as well.

It has already reached the stage now where i couldn't care less who she is with now after everything she has done is now known. Still, i don't want the daily reminders of it by having to live round here. Some people can deal with those things and just shrug it off walking down the street with a new bit of skirt, whereas i can't and would rather not have to have it in plain sight when out with the kids or driving to/from work etc.

I understand your difference in perspective but it is only an hours drive as mentioned and with the current setup it will have little to no impact on the current arrangement or the kids, other then an extra time driving to and from locations so i don't see it as a negative at all. I will be living in familiar territory that the kids recognise so that makes things easier and would never consider going further afield as then that to me would be what your implying.
She has made her decision long ago about what she wanted and never once thought of the implications on the kids. That was evident when she failed to come home on mothers day and spent it shagging about in a hotel down the road when i had planned for a day out as a family and she ignored all messages.

I took the advice about looking after myself now and maintaining a level head which is what i have been doing. My kids are part of that change and will never be an afterthought

[MYOB]

Stratton oakmont said:

stuff about moving away

Well done on the new job.

As for moving away, I assume you have analyse all permutations in doing this? I ask, because I would love to move away from my ex so would limit my exposure to her. However, I for one, could not bring myself to move away from my kids. I have told the kids that I intend to get someone to live close by to them. This is to enable the kids to easily call over to me for a visit and stay over when they want to. This will give them complete control over visiting me.

Obviously this is something for when the kids are a little older but in the meantime, it would give them reassurances that I will be close by should they want or need to see me. This isn't something that could happen if I lived an hour away.

I'm still awaiting the Court process to conclude with regards to current access to them, but when they are old enough to make up their own mind without any influence, any Orders in place will evolve over time.

It's a tricky balance between putting yourself first and/or your kids. There are no right or wrong way and you must do what you are comfortable with. But there will come a day when your kids will want to pop over for a chat and possibly stay the night. Can they do this if you're an hour journey away?

[Plate spinner]

We’ve all thought about it, there’s no ‘right answer’.

I work 60mins away, often 90+mins in rush hour. I considered moving nearer to work as part of the separation process.

But I’m glad I didn’t. I like my kids close by and they do to. On my weekend none of their social / hobby / paper round plans need adjusting, it’s all still local.

Seeing my ex and her new fella is rare, but when I did I felt nothing. Yet she was totally awkward.

But when walking down to the station with a new ‘friend’ I saw some old mutual friends that she’s still in contact with but I’m not. It was a quick, polite ‘hi how are you’ chat, but it felt very weird and uncomfortable. I was really awkward.

Funny old world and all part of the journey I guess.

[andy-xr]

Stratton oakmont said:

I took the advice about looking after myself now and maintaining a level head which is what i have been doing. My kids are part of that change and will never be an afterthought

Sure, I get you.

The thing that would be the clincher for me would be a trip to the hospital and an hour away for me is 50 miles. For you it might be 10 miles in slow traffic, I dont know.

I do know I'd not want to be 50 miles away and get a call that something's happened and have to drive like a tt to get there quickly.
I guess the chances and the times that this might or could happen would be pretty small. It'd still be in my mind though.

I've also moved for jobs, and I worked out after the third redundancy that jobs come and go so I'm fked if I'm moving for them anymore. YMMV

[theboss]

GT03ROB said:

Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?

When I was going through the serious fighting stage this did enter my mind (despite being 20 years away most likely) and I drew some comfort from the fact that over such a timescale there was a small but not insignificant probability that the ex or her affair partner might pass away unexpectedly.

Now I couldn’t care less...

Decree absolute arrived today. To anyone here in a world of st, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[mattyn1]

GT03ROB said:

Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?

Tis a very good question and one I have just had the misfortune to experience..... almost.
Eldest will have his graduation from university in July.... when he told me about it it had already been decided his mum, brother and grand parents are going. As there are only four available tickets, I and wife aren’t!

I have not made a big deal about it as I don’t want him to feel awkward. It is another sacrifice I simply have to make.

[MYOB]

mattyn1 said:

Tis a very good question and one I have just had the misfortune to experience..... almost.
Eldest will have his graduation from university in July.... when he told me about it it had already been decided his mum, brother and grand parents are going. As there are only four available tickets, I and wife aren’t!

I have not made a big deal about it as I don’t want him to feel awkward. It is another sacrifice I simply have to make.

That's a nuisance. Did you or his grandparents help out with his uni fees? I'm just wondering if he's inviting those that helped with funding. Apologies if I've got it wrong.

[Frank7]

I was at both my of my sons weddings, the first one about 14 years after my wife and I divorced, the second about 6 years later.
Both times I was with my wife, who I hadn’t even met when my ex-wife and I split, my ex was with the guy she had married around 8 years after our divorce, a regular stand up guy, worth ten of me in the being faithful department.
There was absolutely no animosity, or bad mouthing, my wife and my ex got on like a house on fire, at both weddings.
My wife said that my ex had said, “What have you done with him, he’s drinking as much, but his eyes are not chasing women like they always did.”
My wife told her that I wasn’t getting any younger, perhaps I’d come to my senses, and decided to retire gracefully.
My ex then said, “Then you’re getting the best out of him, in his twenties, I had to nail his feet to the floor on weekends.”
There was a slight kerfuffle at my granddaughter’s Christening, as my ex-wife maintained I’d gone OTT with the child’s gift, but her husband calmed her down.

[GT03ROB]

mattyn1 said:

GT03ROB said:

Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?

Tis a very good question and one I have just had the misfortune to experience..... almost.
Eldest will have his graduation from university in July.... when he told me about it it had already been decided his mum, brother and grand parents are going. As there are only four available tickets, I and wife aren’t!

I have not made a big deal about it as I don’t want him to feel awkward. It is another sacrifice I simply have to make.

That's a bit sad. My son graduated last year & also had only 4 tickets. Ex-wife, myself & my parents got tickets. Current wife went up but went shopping instead! All of us met up the night before & for lunch on the graduation. Ex & current wife seem to get on like a house on fire. Probably helps that didn't meet my wife until 8 years after split with ex.

By contrast when my wife's kids get married I don't expect to be invited. I am persona non-gratia to her ex.

[hutchst]

theboss said:

When I was going through the serious fighting stage this did enter my mind (despite being 20 years away most likely) and I drew some comfort from the fact that over such a timescale there was a small but not insignificant probability that the ex or her affair partner might pass away unexpectedly.

Now I couldn’t care less...

Decree absolute arrived today. To anyone here in a world of st, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

If you're still searching for your wife's killer after 20 years, you're obviously not offering to pay enough.