Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
I'm currently a mature student studying law. I'm due to graduate in two years, and haven't really thought about the graduation ceremony, but if 4 tickets is the thing, then it'll be our son, two randoms off tinder and I'll deposit her ticket in one of her personal bank accounts that she keeps forgetting about.
GT03ROB said:
Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?
Speaking as a 'child' of this situation.My parents have 4 marriages between them, so it is......complex.
I had all of them at my wedding and it wasn't without a little drama - mainly from new spouses, rather than my parents' themselves who are more like old acquaintances now, some 35 years after they divorced, than exes.
Generally, there's enough guests at these events for people to sit at either end of a room and not interact if they don't want to but, as others have side, time is a great healer and you find that with enough water under the bridge, it's unlikely to be a problem.
GT03ROB said:
Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?
My wedding had no set seating, wife and I could chat to all our friends and my folks did not have to sit where they could see each other, no real photographer. Friends wedding the photographer just got really bossy, told everyone where he wanted them and when, no-one had time to complain they were standing near their ex etc! Both worked well I thought.
Plate spinner said:
An hour is not far though.
Maybe not to you or I, but to a young child it can be an eternityWhen I split (on good terms, thank goodness) I first moved about 8 mins away to a nearby village. My youngest was only 2, eldest was 6, and I didn't want the journey between houses to be anywhere near a chore for them (I have them about 1/3 of the time so regularly go back and forth and drop them to school one day a week which precludes living very far away anyway). It was 4 years before I ventured further away (25 mins).
I'm not saying it's not the best thing to do in differing circumstances, only we should recognise that an hour can be a big thing to a young child. I completely acknowledge I was lucky with the properties that came up at the right time and a job that allowed me to live there; I'm not having a dig at anyone that has to make that change, only hoping to ensure they look at it from a childs eyes.
theboss said:
GT03ROB said:
Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?
When I was going through the serious fighting stage this did enter my mind (despite being 20 years away most likely) and I drew some comfort from the fact that over such a timescale there was a small but not insignificant probability that the ex or her affair partner might pass away unexpectedly.Now I couldn’t care less...
Decree absolute arrived today. To anyone here in a world of s
t, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
sleepezy said:
Plate spinner said:
An hour is not far though.
Maybe not to you or I, but to a young child it can be an eternityWhen I split (on good terms, thank goodness) I first moved about 8 mins away to a nearby village. My youngest was only 2, eldest was 6, and I didn't want the journey between houses to be anywhere near a chore for them (I have them about 1/3 of the time so regularly go back and forth and drop them to school one day a week which precludes living very far away anyway). It was 4 years before I ventured further away (25 mins).
I'm not saying it's not the best thing to do in differing circumstances, only we should recognise that an hour can be a big thing to a young child. I completely acknowledge I was lucky with the properties that came up at the right time and a job that allowed me to live there; I'm not having a dig at anyone that has to make that change, only hoping to ensure they look at it from a childs eyes.
My kids are teenagers now so my viewpoint is biased.
GT03ROB said:
Serious question to you & others in the same situation how do you expect it to pan out at the wedding when one of the kids gets married?
My Ex told my Son that she wouldn’t be coming to the wedding if I was going, my Daughter-in-Law said fine ,but his Dad will be coming to the wedding and this was 30years later.Hi all. 8 months on from Absolute and moving to my own place... hope you don't mind me dumping some of my feelings here!
Still very up and down emotionally, but a lot of it seems to be that I'm still trying to unlearn behaviour. For example, I want to do some work on my car and other projects, but I feel that I should do work in the house first. Of course, that's up to me now, but there's still a big nagging feeling which I'm now doing to myself! It's very odd, especially because I'm aware of it! I wasn't expecting that. Are we ever free of them?
My kids are kind of coping. They're clearly still upset and trying to come to terms with the new situation. My daughter has expressed that switching between houses is a pain for her, so I've bought her more clothes to reduce the need to pack a bag when she comes here. Hopefully it will be easier for her when she's driving, and not part-time boarding at school.
I've been with a gf for a few months, but it's not easy. I get quite stressed and react to her in my old learned ways, which isn't fair on her, and has caused some tension. She also wants more commitment than I am ready to give. I guess we'll see where it goes, if anywhere.
The ex still seems angry. The very few texts and emails are always "in your face" and feel aggressive. I'm trying to reduce contact as much as possible, but we still have to communicate about the kids. Sometimes I only find things out when I ask - and these are important medical issues, for example. I won't go into details, but every time I get a text or email from her it churns me up and I get anxious and quite down, even before I read it.
Well there you go. Happier in many ways, trying to un-learn reactions and feelings, worried about my kids, having a bit of fun sometimes. Hope it keeps improving.
Good luck to all others on the same journey!
Still very up and down emotionally, but a lot of it seems to be that I'm still trying to unlearn behaviour. For example, I want to do some work on my car and other projects, but I feel that I should do work in the house first. Of course, that's up to me now, but there's still a big nagging feeling which I'm now doing to myself! It's very odd, especially because I'm aware of it! I wasn't expecting that. Are we ever free of them?
My kids are kind of coping. They're clearly still upset and trying to come to terms with the new situation. My daughter has expressed that switching between houses is a pain for her, so I've bought her more clothes to reduce the need to pack a bag when she comes here. Hopefully it will be easier for her when she's driving, and not part-time boarding at school.
I've been with a gf for a few months, but it's not easy. I get quite stressed and react to her in my old learned ways, which isn't fair on her, and has caused some tension. She also wants more commitment than I am ready to give. I guess we'll see where it goes, if anywhere.
The ex still seems angry. The very few texts and emails are always "in your face" and feel aggressive. I'm trying to reduce contact as much as possible, but we still have to communicate about the kids. Sometimes I only find things out when I ask - and these are important medical issues, for example. I won't go into details, but every time I get a text or email from her it churns me up and I get anxious and quite down, even before I read it.
Well there you go. Happier in many ways, trying to un-learn reactions and feelings, worried about my kids, having a bit of fun sometimes. Hope it keeps improving.
Good luck to all others on the same journey!
mr_spock said:
Hi all. 8 months on from Absolute and moving to my own place... hope you don't mind me dumping some of my feelings here!
Still very up and down emotionally, but a lot of it seems to be that I'm still trying to unlearn behaviour. For example, I want to do some work on my car and other projects, but I feel that I should do work in the house first. Of course, that's up to me now, but there's still a big nagging feeling which I'm now doing to myself! It's very odd, especially because I'm aware of it! I wasn't expecting that. Are we ever free of them?
My kids are kind of coping. They're clearly still upset and trying to come to terms with the new situation. My daughter has expressed that switching between houses is a pain for her, so I've bought her more clothes to reduce the need to pack a bag when she comes here. Hopefully it will be easier for her when she's driving, and not part-time boarding at school.
I've been with a gf for a few months, but it's not easy. I get quite stressed and react to her in my old learned ways, which isn't fair on her, and has caused some tension. She also wants more commitment than I am ready to give. I guess we'll see where it goes, if anywhere.
The ex still seems angry. The very few texts and emails are always "in your face" and feel aggressive. I'm trying to reduce contact as much as possible, but we still have to communicate about the kids. Sometimes I only find things out when I ask - and these are important medical issues, for example. I won't go into details, but every time I get a text or email from her it churns me up and I get anxious and quite down, even before I read it.
Well there you go. Happier in many ways, trying to un-learn reactions and feelings, worried about my kids, having a bit of fun sometimes. Hope it keeps improving.
Good luck to all others on the same journey!
Chin up , these feelings and issues are all quite normal. The only way from now is up. Time will heal. Still very up and down emotionally, but a lot of it seems to be that I'm still trying to unlearn behaviour. For example, I want to do some work on my car and other projects, but I feel that I should do work in the house first. Of course, that's up to me now, but there's still a big nagging feeling which I'm now doing to myself! It's very odd, especially because I'm aware of it! I wasn't expecting that. Are we ever free of them?
My kids are kind of coping. They're clearly still upset and trying to come to terms with the new situation. My daughter has expressed that switching between houses is a pain for her, so I've bought her more clothes to reduce the need to pack a bag when she comes here. Hopefully it will be easier for her when she's driving, and not part-time boarding at school.
I've been with a gf for a few months, but it's not easy. I get quite stressed and react to her in my old learned ways, which isn't fair on her, and has caused some tension. She also wants more commitment than I am ready to give. I guess we'll see where it goes, if anywhere.
The ex still seems angry. The very few texts and emails are always "in your face" and feel aggressive. I'm trying to reduce contact as much as possible, but we still have to communicate about the kids. Sometimes I only find things out when I ask - and these are important medical issues, for example. I won't go into details, but every time I get a text or email from her it churns me up and I get anxious and quite down, even before I read it.
Well there you go. Happier in many ways, trying to un-learn reactions and feelings, worried about my kids, having a bit of fun sometimes. Hope it keeps improving.
Good luck to all others on the same journey!
Cut the new girl some slack,just be completely honest with her about your feelings,she is not your ex just explain that commitment is hard right now but that you won't hurt her.
bristolracer said:
Chin up , these feelings and issues are all quite normal. The only way from now is up. Time will heal.
Cut the new girl some slack,just be completely honest with her about your feelings,she is not your ex just explain that commitment is hard right now but that you won't hurt her.
She's in the process of dumping me by text right now. Oh well.Cut the new girl some slack,just be completely honest with her about your feelings,she is not your ex just explain that commitment is hard right now but that you won't hurt her.
mr_spock said:
bristolracer said:
Chin up , these feelings and issues are all quite normal. The only way from now is up. Time will heal.
Cut the new girl some slack,just be completely honest with her about your feelings,she is not your ex just explain that commitment is hard right now but that you won't hurt her.
She's in the process of dumping me by text right now. Oh well.Cut the new girl some slack,just be completely honest with her about your feelings,she is not your ex just explain that commitment is hard right now but that you won't hurt her.
Always a bad idea....
I wasn't expecting or planning to, it just kind of happened. We're meeting in the week for a chat. I think maybe she felt that this was the only way to make her point. Regardless, I rather like her and there's lots of good stuff. I may learn something in the process too.
Thing is, I like to be wanted. I've missed that for many many years, and I suppose it's made me a bit needy. Better get over that!
Thing is, I like to be wanted. I've missed that for many many years, and I suppose it's made me a bit needy. Better get over that!
mr_spock said:
Hi all. 8 months on from Absolute and moving to my own place... hope you don't mind me dumping some of my feelings here!
Still very up and down emotionally, but a lot of it seems to be that I'm still trying to unlearn behaviour. For example, I want to do some work on my car and other projects, but I feel that I should do work in the house first. Of course, that's up to me now, but there's still a big nagging feeling which I'm now doing to myself! It's very odd, especially because I'm aware of it! I wasn't expecting that. Are we ever free of them?
My kids are kind of coping. They're clearly still upset and trying to come to terms with the new situation. My daughter has expressed that switching between houses is a pain for her, so I've bought her more clothes to reduce the need to pack a bag when she comes here. Hopefully it will be easier for her when she's driving, and not part-time boarding at school.
I've been with a gf for a few months, but it's not easy. I get quite stressed and react to her in my old learned ways, which isn't fair on her, and has caused some tension. She also wants more commitment than I am ready to give. I guess we'll see where it goes, if anywhere.
The ex still seems angry. The very few texts and emails are always "in your face" and feel aggressive. I'm trying to reduce contact as much as possible, but we still have to communicate about the kids. Sometimes I only find things out when I ask - and these are important medical issues, for example. I won't go into details, but every time I get a text or email from her it churns me up and I get anxious and quite down, even before I read it.
Well there you go. Happier in many ways, trying to un-learn reactions and feelings, worried about my kids, having a bit of fun sometimes. Hope it keeps improving.
Good luck to all others on the same journey!
Good luck, hope you can sort things out.Still very up and down emotionally, but a lot of it seems to be that I'm still trying to unlearn behaviour. For example, I want to do some work on my car and other projects, but I feel that I should do work in the house first. Of course, that's up to me now, but there's still a big nagging feeling which I'm now doing to myself! It's very odd, especially because I'm aware of it! I wasn't expecting that. Are we ever free of them?
My kids are kind of coping. They're clearly still upset and trying to come to terms with the new situation. My daughter has expressed that switching between houses is a pain for her, so I've bought her more clothes to reduce the need to pack a bag when she comes here. Hopefully it will be easier for her when she's driving, and not part-time boarding at school.
I've been with a gf for a few months, but it's not easy. I get quite stressed and react to her in my old learned ways, which isn't fair on her, and has caused some tension. She also wants more commitment than I am ready to give. I guess we'll see where it goes, if anywhere.
The ex still seems angry. The very few texts and emails are always "in your face" and feel aggressive. I'm trying to reduce contact as much as possible, but we still have to communicate about the kids. Sometimes I only find things out when I ask - and these are important medical issues, for example. I won't go into details, but every time I get a text or email from her it churns me up and I get anxious and quite down, even before I read it.
Well there you go. Happier in many ways, trying to un-learn reactions and feelings, worried about my kids, having a bit of fun sometimes. Hope it keeps improving.
Good luck to all others on the same journey!
mr_spock said:
Still very up and down emotionally, but a lot of it seems to be that I'm still trying to unlearn behaviour.
Sounds like you are aware of any faults you had with your ex. It's good you're being honest with yourself. Not many of us blokes will accept our faults. Well done!
It's been 8 months for me. I've no interest in getting into another relationship for a while yet. My focus is on reducing the upheaval on the kids as much as possible for now. Unlike my ex who appears to have another man but is keeping him in the background, I suspect until the court case is over.
She's telling our young kids all about what car he has and how much he earns! To me, that speaks great volume on her priorities and it's a shame that she's passing these values onto our kids who are only 6 and 8!
Although, on the other hand sometimes it's reasonable to expect the new ladies in your life to listen to you too.
I've been married twice, so in uninterruprted relationships from 1978 until the beginning of this year. I was chatting to somebody recently about holidays, I realised I hadn't thought about that, and then realised that I have never, ever, in my life, decided where or when to go on holiday.
The sheer pleasure of being able to do what you want, when you want to do it, rather than always what other people want you to do, is a fantastic feeling.
p.s. I'm thinking Cyprus, for a week, probably in September after the schools go back.
I've been married twice, so in uninterruprted relationships from 1978 until the beginning of this year. I was chatting to somebody recently about holidays, I realised I hadn't thought about that, and then realised that I have never, ever, in my life, decided where or when to go on holiday.
The sheer pleasure of being able to do what you want, when you want to do it, rather than always what other people want you to do, is a fantastic feeling.
p.s. I'm thinking Cyprus, for a week, probably in September after the schools go back.
Paddy_N_Murphy said:
So - Learn and listen chaps to the new ladies in your life.
They are obviously not the ones you have been battle weary to.
Yes, that. We had a lot of talk, and are getting on fine now. We still have moments but I know we can talk now without causing things to be thrown, yelling, or the withdrawal of affection for long periods. It probably helps that she's a mental health professional! They are obviously not the ones you have been battle weary to.
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