Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
hyphen said:
Is one harbouring a grudge over some prior incident? Has one become less attractive, such as put on weight, become more lazy, dressing scruffier.
As watching TV in separate rooms indicates that one really annoys the other. as normally even if you aren't getting along, you should be able to sit on opposite ends of the sofa and face forwards to a TV surely??
Could be as simple as one likes Love Island, the other likes Engineering great: mega ships. As watching TV in separate rooms indicates that one really annoys the other. as normally even if you aren't getting along, you should be able to sit on opposite ends of the sofa and face forwards to a TV surely??
Edited by hyphen on Sunday 19th August 09:50
hyphen said:
The big assumption here is that the mum isn't working/doesn't care about her career.
Many do actually have decent jobs, even if paid a little less and don't want to give them up.
I wasn't making that assumption and not sure both having an income will change the attitude of either when it comes to splitting the matrimonial assets.Many do actually have decent jobs, even if paid a little less and don't want to give them up.
It will most likely have an impact when child support is being sorted though.
Plate spinner said:
hyphen said:
Is one harbouring a grudge over some prior incident? Has one become less attractive, such as put on weight, become more lazy, dressing scruffier.
As watching TV in separate rooms indicates that one really annoys the other. as normally even if you aren't getting along, you should be able to sit on opposite ends of the sofa and face forwards to a TV surely??
Could be as simple as one likes Love Island, the other likes Engineering great: mega ships. As watching TV in separate rooms indicates that one really annoys the other. as normally even if you aren't getting along, you should be able to sit on opposite ends of the sofa and face forwards to a TV surely??
Edited by hyphen on Sunday 19th August 09:50
ETA - and I'm trying to ignore the financial considerations so it doesn't cloud my thinking
Edited by antspants on Sunday 19th August 11:37
desolate said:
Do you still have a half decent sex life?
Not easy with at kid but that can be the root cause of drifting apart.
No it's been going downhill for a couple of years at least. As you say hard with kids but not impossible. We've ended up just having drunken sex when we've been out and even that isn't happening now. But again not because one person says no, just neither making the effort. Not easy with at kid but that can be the root cause of drifting apart.
When you write this stuff down and read it back it does make me wonder how the f
k I've let it get this bad. antspants said:
No it's been going downhill for a couple of years at least. As you say hard with kids but not impossible. We've ended up just having drunken sex when we've been out and even that isn't happening now. But again not because one person says no, just neither making the effort.
When you write this stuff down and read it back it does make me wonder how the fk I've let it get this bad.
That should probably be subject of your next discussion.When you write this stuff down and read it back it does make me wonder how the f
k I've let it get this bad. Hope it works out for you.
We both recognise our non-existent sex life is a major issue, but also know you don't go from both admitting that "I love you but I'm not in love with you" to suddenly jumping into each other's arms again. Think it's going to be a slow process to see if we can get back there.
I'll perhaps ask some questions later today about the financial implications, or explain the brief exchange we've had on that topic so the battle scarred can smile at my naivety
I'll perhaps ask some questions later today about the financial implications, or explain the brief exchange we've had on that topic so the battle scarred can smile at my naivety
antspants said:
We both recognise our non-existent sex life is a major issue, but also know you don't go from both admitting that "I love you but I'm not in love with you" to suddenly jumping into each other's arms again. Think it's going to be a slow process to see if we can get back there.
I'll perhaps ask some questions later today about the financial implications, or explain the brief exchange we've had on that topic so the battle scarred can smile at my naivety
For what it's worth, I think you're handling it all very well at present. At least you're both still talking, both recognise the problems and, hopefully, both are prepared to make an effort. All that is a heck of a lot better than many situations.I'll perhaps ask some questions later today about the financial implications, or explain the brief exchange we've had on that topic so the battle scarred can smile at my naivety
It might sound trite, and That ‘you don’t give me enough attention’ isn’t really a big enough reason for a relationship to break down.
However there have been a few studies (eg in children and also in the workplace) to suggest that being ignored often causes more emotional distress than getting negative attention, even. At least if you are at odds, there is an emotional connection. But to be in a relationship where you feel ignored, shut out, immaterial, that can feel like one long sucker punch, believe me. So if it goes on for a while I can see how it can become the end of the road. And I am sure the ignorer probably genuinely has no idea they are essentially instigating a break up by merely being distant.
That aside, you’d hope that both sides can draw a line and sort out a split without too much drama.
However there have been a few studies (eg in children and also in the workplace) to suggest that being ignored often causes more emotional distress than getting negative attention, even. At least if you are at odds, there is an emotional connection. But to be in a relationship where you feel ignored, shut out, immaterial, that can feel like one long sucker punch, believe me. So if it goes on for a while I can see how it can become the end of the road. And I am sure the ignorer probably genuinely has no idea they are essentially instigating a break up by merely being distant.
That aside, you’d hope that both sides can draw a line and sort out a split without too much drama.
Back to the finances stuff...
We discussed this in a pretty light hearted fashion on Fri night when she said "If it doesn't work you're having the bloody dog"
I commented that I'd probably be in some stty 1 bed flat that wouldn't take pets. And she said why would that happen you can afford this place on your own and could get the money to buy me out of it, so why would you move out?
Although she did say if I had the dog my son would want to stay with me so she might have to rethink. He does love the dog
But she clearly had it in her head that she's be moving to somewhere considerably smaller and I'd be staying here.
Now, putting those comments to one side I still love her and wouldn't want to see her living somewhere stty, although I also realise should we seperate those feelings may change somewhat. I'm also aware should that be the outcome then what she thinks about the finances today may also change once she starts focusing on no.1.
Perhaps those who've been through similar could educate me on the likely reality of the situation. Try not to scare me so much it impacts on how I'm currently attempting to mend our marriage
We discussed this in a pretty light hearted fashion on Fri night when she said "If it doesn't work you're having the bloody dog"
I commented that I'd probably be in some s
tty 1 bed flat that wouldn't take pets. And she said why would that happen you can afford this place on your own and could get the money to buy me out of it, so why would you move out? Although she did say if I had the dog my son would want to stay with me so she might have to rethink. He does love the dog
But she clearly had it in her head that she's be moving to somewhere considerably smaller and I'd be staying here.
Now, putting those comments to one side I still love her and wouldn't want to see her living somewhere s
tty, although I also realise should we seperate those feelings may change somewhat. I'm also aware should that be the outcome then what she thinks about the finances today may also change once she starts focusing on no.1. Perhaps those who've been through similar could educate me on the likely reality of the situation. Try not to scare me so much it impacts on how I'm currently attempting to mend our marriage
antspants said:
Perhaps those who've been through similar could educate me on the likely reality of the situation. Try not to scare me so much it impacts on how I'm currently attempting to mend our marriage
Short answer is it's impossible to say what the reality would be. She may well do as she says, maybe she wouldn't. They are not all SWTsHowever whilst there is prudence, don't fall into the trap of target fixation with respect to separating. If you allow worrying too much about the consequences of a separation to influence you actions to fix things up, you will separate.
antspants said:
Back to the finances stuff...
Perhaps those who've been through similar could educate me on the likely reality of the situation. Try not to scare me so much it impacts on how I'm currently attempting to mend our marriage
Right now it’s all very reasonable but if you decide to split financial practicalities kick in as does the survival instinct and you have two major risks - her friends and any solicitors, both will encourage her to take you to the cleaners and the latter will want a long drawn out dispute which will cost you a fortune in feesPerhaps those who've been through similar could educate me on the likely reality of the situation. Try not to scare me so much it impacts on how I'm currently attempting to mend our marriage
As usual it depends on what you both earn, what assets you both have, length of relationship.
But a rough rule of thumb seems to be
a) if she wants custody she will get it
b) you will have to give her anywhere between 60-75% of the assets ie home equity, savings and possibly some pension.
Please try and do it yourselves - it’s easy, I did it online and whole thing cost £600
Edited by Adam B on Monday 20th August 15:13
The latter posts may well be accurate, I hope there's nobody else just due to the fact that it would sour things massively and will probably end up bringing about a bitter and unpleasant end. If there is, well then I can't really complain too much as our marriage is in the stter but I'd have preferred her to end it with me before going anywhere else. It's what I'd do.
We both made comments about what next if it doesn't work, I've thought about it and so has she. It doesn't mean I've given up altogether although clearly that doesn't mean she hasn't.
Regarding the finances, 75%!?!?! What happened to 50:50?
My intention should it not work is that we have equity in the house, she is entitled to her share of that at whatever % is deemed as reasonable. But the % will determine whether the house needs to be sold 1st. 50:50 I could probably cope with, anymore and I think it would be difficult. Not that selling the house is an issue, but clearly will drag out the proceedings.
I have savings which again she is entitled to her share of that and she knows how much there is. Then presumably its a case of calculating monthly child support, have I missed anything?
More importantly do I have to sell my car and give her 75% of the proceeds, I hope not!!
I would expect her to get custody, she has a job with her hours scheduled around my son's schooling. So she's there when he goes to school and again when he gets home, I can't do that due to work. So it would be better for him to live with her for those reasons as long as we can agree a sensible amount of time with me. I rarely work away so he could come to me as many evenings, days I work from home, and weekends as is deemed acceptable.
Clearly from the comments, if it doesn't work out then resolving everything as amicably as possible will help with me not getting shafted financially and also my levels of access to my son.
tter but I'd have preferred her to end it with me before going anywhere else. It's what I'd do. We both made comments about what next if it doesn't work, I've thought about it and so has she. It doesn't mean I've given up altogether although clearly that doesn't mean she hasn't.
Regarding the finances, 75%!?!?! What happened to 50:50?
My intention should it not work is that we have equity in the house, she is entitled to her share of that at whatever % is deemed as reasonable. But the % will determine whether the house needs to be sold 1st. 50:50 I could probably cope with, anymore and I think it would be difficult. Not that selling the house is an issue, but clearly will drag out the proceedings.
I have savings which again she is entitled to her share of that and she knows how much there is. Then presumably its a case of calculating monthly child support, have I missed anything?
More importantly do I have to sell my car and give her 75% of the proceeds, I hope not!!
I would expect her to get custody, she has a job with her hours scheduled around my son's schooling. So she's there when he goes to school and again when he gets home, I can't do that due to work. So it would be better for him to live with her for those reasons as long as we can agree a sensible amount of time with me. I rarely work away so he could come to me as many evenings, days I work from home, and weekends as is deemed acceptable.
Clearly from the comments, if it doesn't work out then resolving everything as amicably as possible will help with me not getting shafted financially and also my levels of access to my son.
hyphen said:
Are 'post'-nuptials accepted by UK courts?
As if so, he and his wife could do one, then if it doesn't work out, finances will already be resolved.
No, they're not. You can come to an agreement, write it down, use it for 20 years - but without a Consent Order (or FRO I think) it can all be opened again. If you come to an agreement, between you or through mediation, get a solicitor or good online service like wikivorce to make a consent order and get it signed off by the court. As if so, he and his wife could do one, then if it doesn't work out, finances will already be resolved.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
How did that work? I don't understand if it's a 50:50 split how you end up walking away with nothing? You don't have to give all the details I'm just curious how a court can rule that as acceptable. And I do get the point that she may well have an idea in her head as to what the future looks like now, but once she gets some legal advice her intentions may change drastically. That does worry me. However she has never been particularly money orientated, that's me, so is giving the impression that as long as our son is ok that's what matters most.
Edited by antspants on Monday 20th August 16:20
anonymous said:
[redacted]
I'm probably being incredibly naive here, but a house is just a house. Why can she insist that the house doesn't get sold until he's 18? If we sell it and are both still in the area where his friends and school are, and the equity enables both of us to move on, what's wrong with that? I think I could argue the career bit, she's given up working hours to look after our son rather than a career.
This is a f
king minefield, I though it was a simple "you get 50% of assets", job done. Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff