Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
antspants said:
I'm probably being incredibly naive here, but a house is just a house. Why can she insist that the house doesn't get sold until he's 18? If we sell it and are both still in the area where his friends and school are, and the equity enables both of us to move on, what's wrong with that?
I think I could argue the career bit, she's given up working hours to look after our son rather than a career.
This is a f
king minefield, I though it was a simple "you get 50% of assets", job done.
Definitely definitely try to make this second-chance work then. I think I could argue the career bit, she's given up working hours to look after our son rather than a career.
This is a f
king minefield, I though it was a simple "you get 50% of assets", job done. If she looks after the boy more than you do, and you earn more than she does, you're firmly up the creek. From reading this thread if it goes the badly you'll be lucky to get to keep 30%. And that's 30% of what's left after 2 years or more of legal to-and-fro.
ClaphamGT3 said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Like you, I really hope I'm wrong but I read that post as she'll be moving in with her new bloke and he'll be paying a big chunk of NB's mortgage off.My ex started with “this isn’t working, I want to separate” then “i’ve Started having a think about moving into a little cottage” then “I have a few places to look at” next she had spoken to the kids and prepped them.
A week later I discovered she was preparing to move into a house she had already been renting for 2 months and “getting ready” in the background, the whole plan 18 months in the making, and of course there was another guy waiting there to wave at my kids when she took them there unannounced.
I’ve seen a few others where one person has left the relationship for somebody else but wants to let the spouse down as gently as possible and hope that they get away with the whole sordid affair.
If this happens, then any chance of a “reasonable” separation on good terms goes straight out of the window. It doesn’t take much to turn the best intentions upside down.
antspants said:
The latter posts may well be accurate, I hope there's nobody else just due to the fact that it would sour things massively and will probably end up bringing about a bitter and unpleasant end. If there is, well then I can't really complain too much as our marriage is in the stter but I'd have preferred her to end it with me before going anywhere else. It's what I'd do.
We both made comments about what next if it doesn't work, I've thought about it and so has she. It doesn't mean I've given up altogether although clearly that doesn't mean she hasn't.
Regarding the finances, 75%!?!?! What happened to 50:50?
My intention should it not work is that we have equity in the house, she is entitled to her share of that at whatever % is deemed as reasonable. But the % will determine whether the house needs to be sold 1st. 50:50 I could probably cope with, anymore and I think it would be difficult. Not that selling the house is an issue, but clearly will drag out the proceedings.
I have savings which again she is entitled to her share of that and she knows how much there is. Then presumably its a case of calculating monthly child support, have I missed anything?
More importantly do I have to sell my car and give her 75% of the proceeds, I hope not!!
I would expect her to get custody, she has a job with her hours scheduled around my son's schooling. So she's there when he goes to school and again when he gets home, I can't do that due to work. So it would be better for him to live with her for those reasons as long as we can agree a sensible amount of time with me. I rarely work away so he could come to me as many evenings, days I work from home, and weekends as is deemed acceptable.
Clearly from the comments, if it doesn't work out then resolving everything as amicably as possible will help with me not getting shafted financially and also my levels of access to my son.
You're doing well so far, better than many. It sounds as if the two of you might be able to achieve a solution that is just about acceptable to all parties. As others have said (based on experience) just watch out for the 'girl friends' who will see you as fair game to get shafted and the fact that, unfortunately, the nicest of wives can change quite quickly into someone you really don't want to know any longer. Try to avoid solicitors !!tter but I'd have preferred her to end it with me before going anywhere else. It's what I'd do. We both made comments about what next if it doesn't work, I've thought about it and so has she. It doesn't mean I've given up altogether although clearly that doesn't mean she hasn't.
Regarding the finances, 75%!?!?! What happened to 50:50?
My intention should it not work is that we have equity in the house, she is entitled to her share of that at whatever % is deemed as reasonable. But the % will determine whether the house needs to be sold 1st. 50:50 I could probably cope with, anymore and I think it would be difficult. Not that selling the house is an issue, but clearly will drag out the proceedings.
I have savings which again she is entitled to her share of that and she knows how much there is. Then presumably its a case of calculating monthly child support, have I missed anything?
More importantly do I have to sell my car and give her 75% of the proceeds, I hope not!!
I would expect her to get custody, she has a job with her hours scheduled around my son's schooling. So she's there when he goes to school and again when he gets home, I can't do that due to work. So it would be better for him to live with her for those reasons as long as we can agree a sensible amount of time with me. I rarely work away so he could come to me as many evenings, days I work from home, and weekends as is deemed acceptable.
Clearly from the comments, if it doesn't work out then resolving everything as amicably as possible will help with me not getting shafted financially and also my levels of access to my son.
antspants said:
I'm probably being incredibly naive here, but a house is just a house. Why can she insist that the house doesn't get sold until he's 18? If we sell it and are both still in the area where his friends and school are, and the equity enables both of us to move on, what's wrong with that?
I think I could argue the career bit, she's given up working hours to look after our son rather than a career.
This is a fking minefield, I though it was a simple "you get 50% of assets", job done.
My friend, your first paragraph tells us a lot about your true mental attitude to this. I think I could argue the career bit, she's given up working hours to look after our son rather than a career.
This is a f
king minefield, I though it was a simple "you get 50% of assets", job done. Unfortunately if you don't harden up big time and soon then you are about to get royally fkd in ways that you can't even imagine.
Harden up. Lawyer up and man up and you might get through this.
antspants said:
Back to the finances stuff...
We discussed this in a pretty light hearted fashion on Fri night when she said "If it doesn't work you're having the bloody dog"
I commented that I'd probably be in some stty 1 bed flat that wouldn't take pets. And she said why would that happen you can afford this place on your own and could get the money to buy me out of it, so why would you move out?
Although she did say if I had the dog my son would want to stay with me so she might have to rethink. He does love the dog
But she clearly had it in her head that she's be moving to somewhere considerably smaller and I'd be staying here.
Now, putting those comments to one side I still love her and wouldn't want to see her living somewhere stty, although I also realise should we seperate those feelings may change somewhat. I'm also aware should that be the outcome then what she thinks about the finances today may also change once she starts focusing on no.1.
Perhaps those who've been through similar could educate me on the likely reality of the situation. Try not to scare me so much it impacts on how I'm currently attempting to mend our marriage
Jesus... That above reads like she was testing the water to see how you would react to a split... She has already established that it sounds like she is planning to stay and knows you can afford to pay the mortgage and pay for a 1 bed flat for yourself.We discussed this in a pretty light hearted fashion on Fri night when she said "If it doesn't work you're having the bloody dog"
I commented that I'd probably be in some s
tty 1 bed flat that wouldn't take pets. And she said why would that happen you can afford this place on your own and could get the money to buy me out of it, so why would you move out? Although she did say if I had the dog my son would want to stay with me so she might have to rethink. He does love the dog
But she clearly had it in her head that she's be moving to somewhere considerably smaller and I'd be staying here.
Now, putting those comments to one side I still love her and wouldn't want to see her living somewhere s
tty, although I also realise should we seperate those feelings may change somewhat. I'm also aware should that be the outcome then what she thinks about the finances today may also change once she starts focusing on no.1. Perhaps those who've been through similar could educate me on the likely reality of the situation. Try not to scare me so much it impacts on how I'm currently attempting to mend our marriage
If it comes to it, it will go this way...
1) She needs to stay in the area for stability for your kids.
2) You are a threat and expect to be banned from the house in some way.
3) You try to come to an arrangement, but the courts see 1) and she gets % of the house.
4) In point of 4) She is not in any way going to rush to sell.... ever.
5) She lied about thinking about somewhere smaller when she has you to pay for it all.
OP, some pretty extreme views coming through here. No doubt born from unfortunate real life experience of those posting.
But it’s perfectly possible to divorce and divide assets fairly. If you and your wife are both on the same page, it’s just some paperwork.
If you’re not, then yeah, better start getting some advice. Hope for the best, plan for the worst as they say.
But it’s perfectly possible to divorce and divide assets fairly. If you and your wife are both on the same page, it’s just some paperwork.
If you’re not, then yeah, better start getting some advice. Hope for the best, plan for the worst as they say.
Appreciate all the both replies both harsh and not, I'm not going to comment any further for the time being as it's clouding my thinking tbh. I just need to concentrate on trying to resolve this but will get some advice in the meantime.
But it must be an age thing combined with kids reaching a certain age because we've just found out this morning a couple we're good friends with are separating, he's moving out. And earlier this year one of my mates had an affair and although his wife's taken him back they're having issues. That's out of a close group of 5 couples, at least 3 of us are in a mess.
But it must be an age thing combined with kids reaching a certain age because we've just found out this morning a couple we're good friends with are separating, he's moving out. And earlier this year one of my mates had an affair and although his wife's taken him back they're having issues. That's out of a close group of 5 couples, at least 3 of us are in a mess.
antspants said:
Appreciate all the both replies both harsh and not, I'm not going to comment any further for the time being as it's clouding my thinking tbh. I just need to concentrate on trying to resolve this but will get some advice in the meantime.
But it must be an age thing combined with kids reaching a certain age because we've just found out this morning a couple we're good friends with are separating, he's moving out. And earlier this year one of my mates had an affair and although his wife's taken him back they're having issues. That's out of a close group of 5 couples, at least 3 of us are in a mess.
Not surprised I'm sorry to say. We seem to have a 'disease' causing this - and, in my opinion, largely evidenced more in the UK than most other countries. It would be interesting to better understand why that might be.But it must be an age thing combined with kids reaching a certain age because we've just found out this morning a couple we're good friends with are separating, he's moving out. And earlier this year one of my mates had an affair and although his wife's taken him back they're having issues. That's out of a close group of 5 couples, at least 3 of us are in a mess.
Robertj21a said:
Not surprised I'm sorry to say. We seem to have a 'disease' causing this - and, in my opinion, largely evidenced more in the UK than most other countries. It would be interesting to better understand why that might be.
The underlying problem is the fact that in “traditional” one income family units the working man has become expendable and can easily be jettisoned and replaced with benefits and/or maintenance l. A vast majority of divorces in this country are instigated by women. Change the default custody assumption to 50/50 shared residence with equal obligations for both parents to work and provide for the children, and things would change overnight.http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3573927/...
That article boils my piss
Women moaning that they are being deprived of time with their kids.
It's what fathers have had to put up with for years.
Some woman in that article saying she can't go into her daughters room when she is away. Hey well try sitting in your daughters room when your ex has decided to withdraw all access on some trumped up lie and your only chance of getting to see them again is via a court 3 months down the road.
My heart bleeds for you........
Women moaning that they are being deprived of time with their kids.
It's what fathers have had to put up with for years.
Some woman in that article saying she can't go into her daughters room when she is away. Hey well try sitting in your daughters room when your ex has decided to withdraw all access on some trumped up lie and your only chance of getting to see them again is via a court 3 months down the road.
My heart bleeds for you........
On the flip side, 50/50 custody allows you to have a guilt free social life, have evenings out, gym, pamper sessions, to go on work trips, to go to work in the school holidays, and even go on adults only holidays during term time (providing you're not a teacher). Again, entirely guilt free, because the kids are with their dad, not sitting home alone, or in a holiday camp, or being babysat by the neighbours snotty 16 year old.
oldbanger said:
On the flip side, 50/50 custody allows you to have a guilt free social life, have evenings out, gym, pamper sessions, to go on work trips, to go to work in the school holidays, and even go on adults only holidays during term time (providing you're not a teacher). Again, entirely guilt free, because the kids are with their dad, not sitting home alone, or in a holiday camp, or being babysat by the neighbours snotty 16 year old.
These are all the advantages my ex enjoys, whilst ensuring she has them no less than 51% of the time... with the result that she is deemed the “resident” parent, claims max benefits as if she is their sole parent, is entitled to statutory child support from me and generally expects to make any decisions concerning their welfare unilaterally.antspants said:
Appreciate all the both replies both harsh and not, I'm not going to comment any further for the time being as it's clouding my thinking tbh. I just need to concentrate on trying to resolve this but will get some advice in the meantime.
But it must be an age thing combined with kids reaching a certain age because we've just found out this morning a couple we're good friends with are separating, he's moving out. And earlier this year one of my mates had an affair and although his wife's taken him back they're having issues. That's out of a close group of 5 couples, at least 3 of us are in a mess.
Many couples are not childhood sweethearts or married to 'the one'. One or both people came to an age around 30 and decided priority was to settle down, get married, get a home and have kids. More so women whose clock ticks down.But it must be an age thing combined with kids reaching a certain age because we've just found out this morning a couple we're good friends with are separating, he's moving out. And earlier this year one of my mates had an affair and although his wife's taken him back they're having issues. That's out of a close group of 5 couples, at least 3 of us are in a mess.
The marriage was always about having kids and giving them a happy childhood, i.e. staying together when young no matter what. So marrying someone who will be good mum or good dad material was always in the thoughts, even if subconsciously.
Then when kids have had that happy childhood and holidays with both mum and dad, and are older, the reasons to stay together become less compelling. Woman losing looks/guy getting fat, or another combinations of such, just speeds it up further
Edited by hyphen on Tuesday 21st August 15:45
Thought it was about time I chimed into this thread, having recently read it from start to finish following a break up. My partner and I split up a few months ago, we weren't married but we'd been together a good few years and have a young son. There's been some great nuggets of information on here so many thanks to all the contributors who speak from experience, you know who you are. Special shout out to Joey Deacon who addresses the thread topic square on with the indisputable fact that by the time she tells you she doesn't love you any more, she's already emotionally checked out of the relationship, has entered clinical mode and it's game over.
Can't say I have anything new to add. Like many on here, the malaise just set in over time with us, certainly after the birth of our son. It's true that things are never the same again once a couple enters parenthood but it's only now I realise how much effort we should have been making to keep the romance going. During the pregnancy you feel it on the wane as you're only really interested in feathering the nest and obsessing over every intricate detail of what is to come, then after the birth it's a steep learning curve adapting to your roles as mum and dad. Far too easy to forget about keeping alive what drew you to each other in the first place. Before you know it, the child's a few years old and you realise you just co-exist in the house with the child's other parent. You grow apart, the sex dries up, one or both of you feels resentment towards the other, the sniping starts and you end up as at best strangers, or at worst feeling sheer contempt. Some couples seem to keep the romance alive, with regular nights out or even holidays while they pack the child off to a relative, and focus on just themselves for a bit, but this is something we never did, and I guess now we're paying the price. Once you enter into the little/no sex, resentment and separate lives cycle then there's no way back.
I think many couples are in that situation and know it but due to either dependency or fear, just continue living that lifestyle and never bring it up. Of course, sometimes one party does bring the conversation up and that brings us onto the most recent poster on here - antspants. I found it incredibly telling when you suggested couples therapy to your wife and she replied "I don't need to sit and list all the things you do that piss me off, it will cost a fortune". Sounds like she blames you 100% for your unhappiness as a couple, but despite what she may think, it's never 100% one party to blame. I doubt she'd take kindly to your home truths though. I wish you all the best, but I reckon once you've had this conversation and you've discussed the hypothetical split, you can pretend, make a little effort, or string things out a bit longer, but it'll end up like the OP and sooner or later fizzle out.
The soul searching, over analysing and general despair varies from bloke to bloke, but I would say my experience was about average, going off what I've read on here. It's an awful place to be in, and I would agree with all those who say it's all the worse when you have kids. You go from seeing them every day to the stereotypical weekend dad. You fear the future and know one day she'll find another bloke who your child will end up living with. You feel you've failed the child and that's the worst part. The paradox of it all is that when you do see your child, you make every minute count and do stuff just the 2 of you that you'd never have done before, and the quality time actually increases. And that's how I best get through the situation. Focus on the positives. Relish the time you see your kids. Plan exciting things to do. Don't let them forget about you because you're out of sight most of the week. It's early days for me but thankfully the split remains amicable and I am enjoying plenty time with my son.
So in a Jerry's final though kind of way, to anyone reading this about to enter parenthood, I can only stress that you must make as much of an effort as possible to keep the spark and the romance alive. Make time for yourselves. Don't worry about palming the baby off with relatives. Remember what drew you together as a couple in the first place and nurture it!
Can't say I have anything new to add. Like many on here, the malaise just set in over time with us, certainly after the birth of our son. It's true that things are never the same again once a couple enters parenthood but it's only now I realise how much effort we should have been making to keep the romance going. During the pregnancy you feel it on the wane as you're only really interested in feathering the nest and obsessing over every intricate detail of what is to come, then after the birth it's a steep learning curve adapting to your roles as mum and dad. Far too easy to forget about keeping alive what drew you to each other in the first place. Before you know it, the child's a few years old and you realise you just co-exist in the house with the child's other parent. You grow apart, the sex dries up, one or both of you feels resentment towards the other, the sniping starts and you end up as at best strangers, or at worst feeling sheer contempt. Some couples seem to keep the romance alive, with regular nights out or even holidays while they pack the child off to a relative, and focus on just themselves for a bit, but this is something we never did, and I guess now we're paying the price. Once you enter into the little/no sex, resentment and separate lives cycle then there's no way back.
I think many couples are in that situation and know it but due to either dependency or fear, just continue living that lifestyle and never bring it up. Of course, sometimes one party does bring the conversation up and that brings us onto the most recent poster on here - antspants. I found it incredibly telling when you suggested couples therapy to your wife and she replied "I don't need to sit and list all the things you do that piss me off, it will cost a fortune". Sounds like she blames you 100% for your unhappiness as a couple, but despite what she may think, it's never 100% one party to blame. I doubt she'd take kindly to your home truths though. I wish you all the best, but I reckon once you've had this conversation and you've discussed the hypothetical split, you can pretend, make a little effort, or string things out a bit longer, but it'll end up like the OP and sooner or later fizzle out.
The soul searching, over analysing and general despair varies from bloke to bloke, but I would say my experience was about average, going off what I've read on here. It's an awful place to be in, and I would agree with all those who say it's all the worse when you have kids. You go from seeing them every day to the stereotypical weekend dad. You fear the future and know one day she'll find another bloke who your child will end up living with. You feel you've failed the child and that's the worst part. The paradox of it all is that when you do see your child, you make every minute count and do stuff just the 2 of you that you'd never have done before, and the quality time actually increases. And that's how I best get through the situation. Focus on the positives. Relish the time you see your kids. Plan exciting things to do. Don't let them forget about you because you're out of sight most of the week. It's early days for me but thankfully the split remains amicable and I am enjoying plenty time with my son.
So in a Jerry's final though kind of way, to anyone reading this about to enter parenthood, I can only stress that you must make as much of an effort as possible to keep the spark and the romance alive. Make time for yourselves. Don't worry about palming the baby off with relatives. Remember what drew you together as a couple in the first place and nurture it!
Good luck Toyota, it gets better with time.
There is a valid point of view that this societal structure that we accept of monogamous relationships, “till death do us part” and so on, became the norm for the christian world (and thence for western society) back when life expectancies were radically different. Consigning yourself to one partner when you probably won’t make it past 40 does not have the same implications as when you might well live to 80 and have plenty of time to get bored of each other!
Another positive point. Years back when I was still married, I was working with a friend who was divorced and living with his new girlfriend. They both had 50% custody of their kids from previous marriages, so they arranged to have both sets of kids on the same week. Hence one intense week with a houseful to manage, followed by a week hanging out as a couple and going on weekend breaks together, etc. Now, if you dumped your kids with a childminder to have a week off you’d probably feel some pangs of guilt, but when it is simply the other parent’s turn to have them, you’re footloose and fancy free! I was jealous....
Good luck!
There is a valid point of view that this societal structure that we accept of monogamous relationships, “till death do us part” and so on, became the norm for the christian world (and thence for western society) back when life expectancies were radically different. Consigning yourself to one partner when you probably won’t make it past 40 does not have the same implications as when you might well live to 80 and have plenty of time to get bored of each other!
Another positive point. Years back when I was still married, I was working with a friend who was divorced and living with his new girlfriend. They both had 50% custody of their kids from previous marriages, so they arranged to have both sets of kids on the same week. Hence one intense week with a houseful to manage, followed by a week hanging out as a couple and going on weekend breaks together, etc. Now, if you dumped your kids with a childminder to have a week off you’d probably feel some pangs of guilt, but when it is simply the other parent’s turn to have them, you’re footloose and fancy free! I was jealous....
Good luck!
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