Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
antspants said:
One last question before I go out. How do you deal with seeing your kids with the new bloke/future step dad for the first time or them telling you what a great guy he is?
Surely you want your kids and the new bloke to get on well? It would be a lot more concerning if they hated him and said that he hated them. My ex and I split in December 2017 and the house (which I stayed in) has only recently gone up for sale. Not all splits follow the same pattern. We're very good friends. She's stayed nearby and has a new bloke. I've slept with some stunners but failed to make anything stick with them so far 
But I have talked to her about these attempts at relationships and she's been a brilliant and invaluable friend. The issue with us was simply that the spark went and me being a car nut and spending all my money on cars or parts meant I wasn't providing the level of security she craved. I get that.
But yeah, we are good. I've done a lot of things this year that I never dreamed I'd do. We've already agreed the split on monies from the house etc. and it's all pretty smooth sailing. We're ten months down the line now and there's no sign of that changing.
But I have talked to her about these attempts at relationships and she's been a brilliant and invaluable friend. The issue with us was simply that the spark went and me being a car nut and spending all my money on cars or parts meant I wasn't providing the level of security she craved. I get that.
But yeah, we are good. I've done a lot of things this year that I never dreamed I'd do. We've already agreed the split on monies from the house etc. and it's all pretty smooth sailing. We're ten months down the line now and there's no sign of that changing.
Thanks for sharing the update antspants. Regrettable it came to that but when the writing's on the wall, it's only a matter of time. Try and keep it together for your kid's sake. I don't know what hours you work but that tends to make the week fly over, then weekends with the kids and before you know it you wonder how you had time for the family. I would like to say it gets easier, but it's still early days for me. No divorce in my case as were never married, so for me it's the only seeing my son once or twice a week, and getting back into the swing of living alone. Haven't re-entered the dating world yet, but won't be too far off.
It's weird, the more friends you talk to, you realise very few are actually happy, but only spill the beans on their situation once you find yourself in yours. It's been said before, and I'll say it again - any long term relationship seems to come down to tolerance. Over time, it's impossible for the magic/spark/attraction not to fade. Some couples keep it more than others, but over time it wanes. Whether one or both of the couple is happy with that is up to them. This thread is clearly full of guys whose wives/mothers of their children called time on the relationship, but I guess the majority stick it out either for the kids sake, or lack of interest/fear in starting over. Looking on the positive, we've all been given a chance to start afresh, learn from the past and see where life takes us. Best wishes to all and look forward to the updates.
It's weird, the more friends you talk to, you realise very few are actually happy, but only spill the beans on their situation once you find yourself in yours. It's been said before, and I'll say it again - any long term relationship seems to come down to tolerance. Over time, it's impossible for the magic/spark/attraction not to fade. Some couples keep it more than others, but over time it wanes. Whether one or both of the couple is happy with that is up to them. This thread is clearly full of guys whose wives/mothers of their children called time on the relationship, but I guess the majority stick it out either for the kids sake, or lack of interest/fear in starting over. Looking on the positive, we've all been given a chance to start afresh, learn from the past and see where life takes us. Best wishes to all and look forward to the updates.
olly22n said:
b
ks.
She sounds like she is getting advice from the sisterhood.
I have had the dream divorced compared to everyone on here but what was very upsetting was the sisterhood and a pervert lawyer getting into her ear. It was actually quite sickening at times. I'm not one to back down and my ex isn't one to be told what to do so I got out of it relatively cheaper. ks.She sounds like she is getting advice from the sisterhood.
I have never heard a bloke tell me I should have taken everything she has. Funny that.
antspants said:
She said last night that she's "never heard of anybody making the decision to split and being moved on and divorced all inside 6 months so why do you want that?" Personally I can't see any point in dragging it out, no ulterior motive other than lets move on with our lives.
This. Wife and I split end of 2008, her idea, but after all this time we are still married.
It looks like it's up to me to start divorce proceedings 10 years later but I know this will be twisted into me being a nasty bustard.
Should have done what you are considering.
Think I was just too shell shocked at the time and the thought didn't really come up until I started a new relationship in 2016.
Just my 2c.
Good luck.
I remember coming here after being told "I don't love you anymore" by my GF of 9 years. At the time I thought you were all wrong and that I could win my GF around. To cut a long story short, I couldn't, just like many posters had suggested.
It's been 4 years this Christmas and it has been an absolute roller coaster. I have done everything to get over her and up until recently nothing had worked. Shagging around, living like some kind of playboy, relationships etc, nothing filled the void she left and truth be told, no one really compared to the ex
26th August 2018, I had just come out of a 10 month relationship so I pop into town for a few beers, this is were I meet my former teacher, she's 10 years older (42) but still incredibly hot. We flirt a bit and I buy her and her friend some drinks. Few days later she messages me thanking me for the drinks, we started messaging and a week or so later, we're on a date.
Few weeks on and I am falling head over heels for this woman and I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual. We spend every free moment we have together and my whole persona and outlook on life has changed. The things I am feeling after a few weeks are absolutely mental! It genuinely feels like after being blown into the weeds by my ex my heart became frozen and at times I thought I would never "feel" again. This woman has changed everything in the space of a few weeks and for the first time in ages I am excited about the future, both short (every Christmas has been st since the ex left) and long term.
Why have I wrote this post? I'm not really sure. It just feels like I have come out of a dark tunnel quickly and unexpectedly and I would like to reassure others that things will get better. At times I was heavily depressed and genuinely thinking that I would never love again and that life was barely worth living. I tried to force myself into "loving" various women but I just couldn't get that feeling back - I felt broken. Then one day I met a certain person and all my soppy feelings come rushing back, I realise now, I wasn't broken at all, I was just trying to force the issue with women that were not right for me.
Keep your chin up lads, the good times can descend on you just as quickly as the bad. Just keep pushing forward, don't worry about being single and don't try to force the issue. It may take weeks, months or even years but things will get better!
It's been 4 years this Christmas and it has been an absolute roller coaster. I have done everything to get over her and up until recently nothing had worked. Shagging around, living like some kind of playboy, relationships etc, nothing filled the void she left and truth be told, no one really compared to the ex
26th August 2018, I had just come out of a 10 month relationship so I pop into town for a few beers, this is were I meet my former teacher, she's 10 years older (42) but still incredibly hot. We flirt a bit and I buy her and her friend some drinks. Few days later she messages me thanking me for the drinks, we started messaging and a week or so later, we're on a date.
Few weeks on and I am falling head over heels for this woman and I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual. We spend every free moment we have together and my whole persona and outlook on life has changed. The things I am feeling after a few weeks are absolutely mental! It genuinely feels like after being blown into the weeds by my ex my heart became frozen and at times I thought I would never "feel" again. This woman has changed everything in the space of a few weeks and for the first time in ages I am excited about the future, both short (every Christmas has been s
t since the ex left) and long term. Why have I wrote this post? I'm not really sure. It just feels like I have come out of a dark tunnel quickly and unexpectedly and I would like to reassure others that things will get better. At times I was heavily depressed and genuinely thinking that I would never love again and that life was barely worth living. I tried to force myself into "loving" various women but I just couldn't get that feeling back - I felt broken. Then one day I met a certain person and all my soppy feelings come rushing back, I realise now, I wasn't broken at all, I was just trying to force the issue with women that were not right for me.
Keep your chin up lads, the good times can descend on you just as quickly as the bad. Just keep pushing forward, don't worry about being single and don't try to force the issue. It may take weeks, months or even years but things will get better!
Edited by Tuvra on Thursday 11th October 08:57
croyde said:
antspants said:
She said last night that she's "never heard of anybody making the decision to split and being moved on and divorced all inside 6 months so why do you want that?" Personally I can't see any point in dragging it out, no ulterior motive other than lets move on with our lives.
This. Wife and I split end of 2008, her idea, but after all this time we are still married.
It looks like it's up to me to start divorce proceedings 10 years later but I know this will be twisted into me being a nasty bustard.
Should have done what you are considering.
Think I was just too shell shocked at the time and the thought didn't really come up until I started a new relationship in 2016.
Just my 2c.
Good luck.
It's five years since we first separated and I am lucky as my ex wife remarried and he bought out my share of the house and took over the mortgage. I know how stressed and unhappy I would be if we were still not divorced and all my money was still tied up in the house.
I now have my own house and love having complete control over my own finances. Personally I would never get married again as I don't fancy risking being homeless and broke again because the other person wants out.
The control you have over your own life is something which many married men must hanker over. Nowadays, any married guy is likely to be wondering if that 'loving' wife is actually building up to the discussion which leads to him eventually losing the house and kids, as well as the wife.
I know it won't help most on here, but some might benefit. I've mentioned before that, by a stroke of good fortune, I've just been through the Scottish procedure. In Scotland it has to be the other way round (for the Simplified Divorce Procedure). You have to have a binding settlement agreement signed up and lodged in the Court before you can begin the divorce process. Then the divorce takes about a month. It's a single stage process, there's no nisi or absolute. You submit the divorce application with a copy of the settlement agreement to the court, the court issues the divorce papers, and if neither party objects within 21 days then that's it, you're divorced. No court appearances, and no need for anything to be agreed or consented, just don't object woithin 21 days and it's done.
For me it wasn't possible to wrap everything up in 6 months overall, it took 7. But that included a bit of unneccessary fannying around.
For me it wasn't possible to wrap everything up in 6 months overall, it took 7. But that included a bit of unneccessary fannying around.
Toyoda said:
It's weird, the more friends you talk to, you realise very few are actually happy, but only spill the beans on their situation once you find yourself in yours. It's been said before, and I'll say it again - any long term relationship seems to come down to tolerance. Over time, it's impossible for the magic/spark/attraction not to fade. Some couples keep it more than others, but over time it wanes. Whether one or both of the couple is happy with that is up to them. This thread is clearly full of guys whose wives/mothers of their children called time on the relationship, but I guess the majority stick it out either for the kids sake, or lack of interest/fear in starting over.
Totally agree with you here, after I separated I met up with a married friend and was showing him Tinder and some of the women I was "seeing". Even though he knew I was living with my parents, had no chance of buying my own property and had very little money he still told me he was jealous. You have to question just how bad marriage is when a married man is jealous of someone in my position purely because he has his freedom.Robertj21a said:
The control you have over your own life is something which many married men must hanker over. Nowadays, any married guy is likely to be wondering if that 'loving' wife is actually building up to the discussion which leads to him eventually losing the house and kids, as well as the wife.
To be honest I think most married men don't give it a second thought or think it will never happen to them. Everyone thinks of marriage as the ceremony and the vows and all the tradition that goes with it. Nobody gives a second thought about the "contract" you sign at the end, it will always be there in the background waiting to screw you over.Tuvra said:
I remember coming here after being told "I don't love you anymore" by my GF of 9 years. At the time I thought you were all wrong and that I could win my GF around. To cut a long story short, I couldn't, just like many posters had suggested.
It's been 4 years this Christmas and it has been an absolute roller coaster. I have done everything to get over her and up until recently nothing had worked. Shagging around, living like some kind of playboy, relationships etc, nothing filled the void she left and truth be told, no one really compared to the ex
26th August 2018, I had just come out of a 10 month relationship so I pop into town for a few beers, this is were I meet my former English teacher, she's 11 years older (42) but still incredibly hot. We flirt a bit and I buy her and her friend some drinks. Few days later she messages me thanking me for the drinks, we started messaging and a week or so later, we're on a date.
Few weeks on and I am falling head over heels for this woman and I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual. We spend every free moment we have together and my whole persona and outlook on life has changed. The things I am feeling after a few weeks are absolutely mental! It genuinely feels like after being blown into the weeds by my ex my heart became frozen and at times I thought I would never "feel" again. This woman has changed everything in the space of a few weeks and for the first time in ages I am excited about the future, both short (every Christmas has been st since the ex left) and long term.
Why have I wrote this post? I'm not really sure. It just feels like I have come out of a dark tunnel quickly and unexpectedly and I would like to reassure others that things will get better. At times I was heavily depressed and genuinely thinking that I would never love again and that life was barely worth living. I tried to force myself into "loving" various women but I just couldn't get that feeling back - I felt broken. Then one day I met a certain person and all my soppy feelings come rushing back, I realise now, I wasn't broken at all, I was just trying to force the issue with women that were not right for me.
Keep your chin up lads, the good times can descend on you just as quickly as the bad. Just keep pushing forward, don't worry about being single and don't try to force the issue. It may take weeks, months or even years but things will get better!
She sounds wonderful! Long may it last.It's been 4 years this Christmas and it has been an absolute roller coaster. I have done everything to get over her and up until recently nothing had worked. Shagging around, living like some kind of playboy, relationships etc, nothing filled the void she left and truth be told, no one really compared to the ex
26th August 2018, I had just come out of a 10 month relationship so I pop into town for a few beers, this is were I meet my former English teacher, she's 11 years older (42) but still incredibly hot. We flirt a bit and I buy her and her friend some drinks. Few days later she messages me thanking me for the drinks, we started messaging and a week or so later, we're on a date.
Few weeks on and I am falling head over heels for this woman and I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual. We spend every free moment we have together and my whole persona and outlook on life has changed. The things I am feeling after a few weeks are absolutely mental! It genuinely feels like after being blown into the weeds by my ex my heart became frozen and at times I thought I would never "feel" again. This woman has changed everything in the space of a few weeks and for the first time in ages I am excited about the future, both short (every Christmas has been s
t since the ex left) and long term. Why have I wrote this post? I'm not really sure. It just feels like I have come out of a dark tunnel quickly and unexpectedly and I would like to reassure others that things will get better. At times I was heavily depressed and genuinely thinking that I would never love again and that life was barely worth living. I tried to force myself into "loving" various women but I just couldn't get that feeling back - I felt broken. Then one day I met a certain person and all my soppy feelings come rushing back, I realise now, I wasn't broken at all, I was just trying to force the issue with women that were not right for me.
Keep your chin up lads, the good times can descend on you just as quickly as the bad. Just keep pushing forward, don't worry about being single and don't try to force the issue. It may take weeks, months or even years but things will get better!
Joey Deacon said:
Toyoda said:
It's weird, the more friends you talk to, you realise very few are actually happy, but only spill the beans on their situation once you find yourself in yours. It's been said before, and I'll say it again - any long term relationship seems to come down to tolerance. Over time, it's impossible for the magic/spark/attraction not to fade. Some couples keep it more than others, but over time it wanes. Whether one or both of the couple is happy with that is up to them. This thread is clearly full of guys whose wives/mothers of their children called time on the relationship, but I guess the majority stick it out either for the kids sake, or lack of interest/fear in starting over.
Totally agree with you here, after I separated I met up with a married friend and was showing him Tinder and some of the women I was "seeing". Even though he knew I was living with my parents, had no chance of buying my own property and had very little money he still told me he was jealous. You have to question just how bad marriage is when a married man is jealous of someone in my position purely because he has his freedom.Robertj21a said:
The control you have over your own life is something which many married men must hanker over. Nowadays, any married guy is likely to be wondering if that 'loving' wife is actually building up to the discussion which leads to him eventually losing the house and kids, as well as the wife.
To be honest I think most married men don't give it a second thought or think it will never happen to them. Everyone thinks of marriage as the ceremony and the vows and all the tradition that goes with it. Nobody gives a second thought about the "contract" you sign at the end, it will always be there in the background waiting to screw you over.Sympathy - oooh, that’s a shame, hope you’re ok
Support - if there anything I can do to help or you fancy a beer, shout me
Relief - you seem fine. Actually you seem better than fine, you and you’re kids seem to be doing good.
Curiosity - err, I don’t want to pry or anything, but err, how does it actually all work? Y’know with the kids and finances etc. How much did it cost? What do think makes for a smooth divorce.
My betting now is that of half the middle aged couples I know, at least one of them is just putting up and shutting up, genuinely and seriously wondering what a life version 2.0 could look like. Sad, but true.
Quick update, things became very tense on Friday evening before I went out and continued through Saturday. However after a very honest and quite emotional conversation on Sunday morning where I pointed out that she was making me feel as if the whole situation was my decision and my fault, we seem to be back on a reasonably even keel. It did make me realise that although on the surface I appear fine (and thought I was as well), clearly I'm struggling as much as she is.
She was emotional last week panicking about what the future holds for her, however a couple of decent nights sleep seemed to have helped along with chatting to a couple of close friends who seem to have a more balanced view on what she should do compared to the bitter divorced harpies she has for clients. This morning she stated she just needs to ignore all of them because that kind of approach won't help either of us in the long run.
The weekend has made me realise it's going to be a difficult 6 months (and probably longer) not just based on the practicalities of splitting but the emotional upheaval as well, which I've just pushed to the back of my mind previously. As we get closer to half term the thought of telling our son weighs heavier and heavier, although we both have a feeling he knows something is up already.
Thanks to all those who commented on my last question, I found that very reassuring as I don't believe I'm a "colossal ass-hat" when it comes to being a dad. We have a good relationship and do a lot of stuff together, and although I'm sure we will suffer short term I'm reasonably confident that won't change. Thanks all
She was emotional last week panicking about what the future holds for her, however a couple of decent nights sleep seemed to have helped along with chatting to a couple of close friends who seem to have a more balanced view on what she should do compared to the bitter divorced harpies she has for clients. This morning she stated she just needs to ignore all of them because that kind of approach won't help either of us in the long run.
The weekend has made me realise it's going to be a difficult 6 months (and probably longer) not just based on the practicalities of splitting but the emotional upheaval as well, which I've just pushed to the back of my mind previously. As we get closer to half term the thought of telling our son weighs heavier and heavier, although we both have a feeling he knows something is up already.
Thanks to all those who commented on my last question, I found that very reassuring as I don't believe I'm a "colossal ass-hat" when it comes to being a dad. We have a good relationship and do a lot of stuff together, and although I'm sure we will suffer short term I'm reasonably confident that won't change. Thanks all
Firstly - there is no situation in which 'colossal ass-hat' isn't funny.
You sound like you are recognising your own feelings and giving them significance - I feel this AND I am going to do something about it. Which is the healthy way to be...
It does take time, and yes tense conversations. Being honest can be liberating, BUT keeping silent to avoid a confrontation about things that no longer matter is more important !
You sound like you are recognising your own feelings and giving them significance - I feel this AND I am going to do something about it. Which is the healthy way to be...
It does take time, and yes tense conversations. Being honest can be liberating, BUT keeping silent to avoid a confrontation about things that no longer matter is more important !
Tuvra said:
I remember coming here after being told "I don't love you anymore" by my GF of 9 years. At the time I thought you were all wrong and that I could win my GF around. To cut a long story short, I couldn't, just like many posters had suggested.
It's been 4 years this Christmas and it has been an absolute roller coaster. I have done everything to get over her and up until recently nothing had worked. Shagging around, living like some kind of playboy, relationships etc, nothing filled the void she left and truth be told, no one really compared to the ex
26th August 2018, I had just come out of a 10 month relationship so I pop into town for a few beers, this is were I meet my former English teacher, she's 11 years older (42) but still incredibly hot. We flirt a bit and I buy her and her friend some drinks. Few days later she messages me thanking me for the drinks, we started messaging and a week or so later, we're on a date.
Few weeks on and I am falling head over heels for this woman and I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual. We spend every free moment we have together and my whole persona and outlook on life has changed. The things I am feeling after a few weeks are absolutely mental! It genuinely feels like after being blown into the weeds by my ex my heart became frozen and at times I thought I would never "feel" again. This woman has changed everything in the space of a few weeks and for the first time in ages I am excited about the future, both short (every Christmas has been st since the ex left) and long term.
Why have I wrote this post? I'm not really sure. It just feels like I have come out of a dark tunnel quickly and unexpectedly and I would like to reassure others that things will get better. At times I was heavily depressed and genuinely thinking that I would never love again and that life was barely worth living. I tried to force myself into "loving" various women but I just couldn't get that feeling back - I felt broken. Then one day I met a certain person and all my soppy feelings come rushing back, I realise now, I wasn't broken at all, I was just trying to force the issue with women that were not right for me.
Keep your chin up lads, the good times can descend on you just as quickly as the bad. Just keep pushing forward, don't worry about being single and don't try to force the issue. It may take weeks, months or even years but things will get better!
Top story! Good on ya lad. The older woman thing really is a great thing. And it's fantastic to hear a positive outcome from what appears to have been some pretty dark times for you. It's been 4 years this Christmas and it has been an absolute roller coaster. I have done everything to get over her and up until recently nothing had worked. Shagging around, living like some kind of playboy, relationships etc, nothing filled the void she left and truth be told, no one really compared to the ex
26th August 2018, I had just come out of a 10 month relationship so I pop into town for a few beers, this is were I meet my former English teacher, she's 11 years older (42) but still incredibly hot. We flirt a bit and I buy her and her friend some drinks. Few days later she messages me thanking me for the drinks, we started messaging and a week or so later, we're on a date.
Few weeks on and I am falling head over heels for this woman and I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual. We spend every free moment we have together and my whole persona and outlook on life has changed. The things I am feeling after a few weeks are absolutely mental! It genuinely feels like after being blown into the weeds by my ex my heart became frozen and at times I thought I would never "feel" again. This woman has changed everything in the space of a few weeks and for the first time in ages I am excited about the future, both short (every Christmas has been s
t since the ex left) and long term. Why have I wrote this post? I'm not really sure. It just feels like I have come out of a dark tunnel quickly and unexpectedly and I would like to reassure others that things will get better. At times I was heavily depressed and genuinely thinking that I would never love again and that life was barely worth living. I tried to force myself into "loving" various women but I just couldn't get that feeling back - I felt broken. Then one day I met a certain person and all my soppy feelings come rushing back, I realise now, I wasn't broken at all, I was just trying to force the issue with women that were not right for me.
Keep your chin up lads, the good times can descend on you just as quickly as the bad. Just keep pushing forward, don't worry about being single and don't try to force the issue. It may take weeks, months or even years but things will get better!
Re the dad situation and another man living with your kids, I’ll share.
As others have said, if you genuinely care about your kids, make time for them and live nearby it will be fine. Mine are independent teenagers now and spend far more time at mine than the original plan my ex and I drafted up couple of years ago. Simply because they want to and I want to and the geography makes it easy. I was tempted when to move nearer work to get some space from the situation of my ex having a new bloke. So glad I didn’t.
As others have said, if you genuinely care about your kids, make time for them and live nearby it will be fine. Mine are independent teenagers now and spend far more time at mine than the original plan my ex and I drafted up couple of years ago. Simply because they want to and I want to and the geography makes it easy. I was tempted when to move nearer work to get some space from the situation of my ex having a new bloke. So glad I didn’t.
Robertj21a said:
Plate spinner said:
My betting now is that of half the middle aged couples I know, at least one of them is just putting up and shutting up, genuinely and seriously wondering what a life version 2.0 could look like. Sad, but true.
+1As you say, sad but true.
Toyoda said:
The stats say that more women than men initiate divorce (roughly two thirds vs one third). Can we assume men are more happy with the status quo, however rubbish it may be? From working in a female heavy environment, many come to work and whinge non stop about their fat, lazy, sexually negligent, inattentive spouses, but most seem to do nothing about it other than whinge. They enjoy telling each other of how they put the guy down and how they get one over on him. Part of me pities the blokes for living such a miserable existence, but then part of me blames them for letting their missus get to that stage of hating them so much that they come to work and talk openly about the relationship's failings. One things for sure, it's a funny old world. Maybe polygamous cultures have got it right?
Perhaps a proportion of those women initiating divorce are doing so on the back revelations of infidelity by their husbands?Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff