Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Toyoda said:
Robertj21a said:
Plate spinner said:
My betting now is that of half the middle aged couples I know, at least one of them is just putting up and shutting up, genuinely and seriously wondering what a life version 2.0 could look like. Sad, but true.
+1As you say, sad but true.
I think men particularly in provider roles are generally more complacent and content to trudge along in a suboptimal relationship with an overriding sense of duty towards their family unit. I didn’t cheat until I discovered my wife was in an established affair but even then I’d never have just walked away from the marriage with my head up some girl’s arse without trying to serious rectify things. Women do seem more readily predisposed to falling for the notion that the grass is always greener and then betting everything including their kids wellbeing on realising their fantasy.
theboss said:
I think men particularly in provider roles are generally more complacent and content to trudge along in a suboptimal relationship with an overriding sense of duty towards their family unit. I didn’t cheat until I discovered my wife was in an established affair but even then I’d never have just walked away from the marriage with my head up some girl’s arse without trying to serious rectify things. Women do seem more readily predisposed to falling for the notion that the grass is always greener and then betting everything including their kids wellbeing on realising their fantasy.
100% agree from my own experience of this.olly22n said:
I wanted a divorce but didn’t want the pain, so I had to wait for her to divorce me ??
Is that really avoiding the pain though, or just deferring it? If I’m grateful for anything it’s that my ex did this to me when I was 34 when my youngest was 7, and not 15 years later when the kids would have been outside the scope of maintenance but when she’d have nonetheless taken me to the cleaners for nearly a lifetimes accumulation.The Selfish Gene said:
the three Fs have never been more true.
it's just too expensive to get caught (from what I understand from pals - I never risked it)
If you really must - get a rental for an hour or two. It'll prolong the relationship very well and avoid the nuclear.
I thinking you are mistaking the short term need to unload versus the misery of being with someone who doesn't do it for you. it's just too expensive to get caught (from what I understand from pals - I never risked it)
If you really must - get a rental for an hour or two. It'll prolong the relationship very well and avoid the nuclear.
Being in a relationship that is sustainable and allows you to self actualise is what is important in the long run.
Trading that in for the stability of the odd posh w
k after a few beers, shared assets and family life with your kids is a bit of a devils bargain in my opinion. But one that many many people make. After all it is very comfortable in the nice house with your kids. You can moan to your mates about her and all that.
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way...
Gargamel said:
I thinking you are mistaking the short term need to unload versus the misery of being with someone who doesn't do it for you.
Being in a relationship that is sustainable and allows you to self actualise is what is important in the long run.
Trading that in for the stability of the odd posh wk after a few beers, shared assets and family life with your kids is a bit of a devils bargain in my opinion. But one that many many people make.
After all it is very comfortable in the nice house with your kids. You can moan to your mates about her and all that.
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way...
well put sir, and I stand corrected.Being in a relationship that is sustainable and allows you to self actualise is what is important in the long run.
Trading that in for the stability of the odd posh w
k after a few beers, shared assets and family life with your kids is a bit of a devils bargain in my opinion. But one that many many people make. After all it is very comfortable in the nice house with your kids. You can moan to your mates about her and all that.
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way...
In my case, I never met someone I liked enough to risk it all with (that's the marriage part , not the cheating)
So I generally revert to 'it must be about a shag' as non of them were someone I'd have been happy with.
I can't imagine living in a trapped situation with someone you didn't want to be with - I'd just bin it and move on.
Hence the never married, never kids thing - it all seemed too, well, final.
Read this earlier - and thought of the earlier discussion...
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/features/can-you-sq...
I'm ok I'm mostly A's apart from the sitting at the bar alone which always feels a bit weird until I'm about halfway through my 3rd pint. Mind you I say I'm ok but that's because my marriage has failed therefore my wife couldn't give a flying fk where I am!
Quick update on current situation, looks like me remortgaging for her equity value is doable so that's the route I'm taking. We worked through finances the other night and I'm going to pay her 50% extra on child support just until she increases her hours at work, but that won't be part of any official agreement it's just a short term thing.
She's going to have a look at a 2 bed flat tomorrow in the village my son goes to school which is available from mid-Nov so we may have a short period of either paying for that while she doesn't live in it, or her moving out before the remortgage is sorted. I don't think she'll be keen to do the latter though.
In the meantime I need to get the brakes done on my car then get it up for sale, and help her look for a smaller car to trade in the family estate against. Then it's a case of sitting down to work out value of contents and a suitable 50% valuation. Her rental is furnished so at least we won't need to half empty the house I'm staying in.
Will be telling our son this Sunday, which in a way I'm looking forward to getting out of the way but dreading far more at the same time. We've both taken the week off for half term to spend with him as a family and individually so he can ask any questions.
This has meant that actually I've had quite an emotional week, which is most unlike me, but shows how stressful and upsetting this is even when it's a very amicable split. My biggest jolt came when I realised she'd taken off her wedding ring, it suddenly seemed so very final and is the end of an era. I know we're doing the right thing, but still gutted we've ended up here.
I'm trying to focus on the practicalities rather than "what will life be like in the aftermath". But on a 'positive' note it looks like another of my mates will be single shortly as well, so at least my social life should be fine.
k where I am! Quick update on current situation, looks like me remortgaging for her equity value is doable so that's the route I'm taking. We worked through finances the other night and I'm going to pay her 50% extra on child support just until she increases her hours at work, but that won't be part of any official agreement it's just a short term thing.
She's going to have a look at a 2 bed flat tomorrow in the village my son goes to school which is available from mid-Nov so we may have a short period of either paying for that while she doesn't live in it, or her moving out before the remortgage is sorted. I don't think she'll be keen to do the latter though.
In the meantime I need to get the brakes done on my car then get it up for sale, and help her look for a smaller car to trade in the family estate against. Then it's a case of sitting down to work out value of contents and a suitable 50% valuation. Her rental is furnished so at least we won't need to half empty the house I'm staying in.
Will be telling our son this Sunday, which in a way I'm looking forward to getting out of the way but dreading far more at the same time. We've both taken the week off for half term to spend with him as a family and individually so he can ask any questions.
This has meant that actually I've had quite an emotional week, which is most unlike me, but shows how stressful and upsetting this is even when it's a very amicable split. My biggest jolt came when I realised she'd taken off her wedding ring, it suddenly seemed so very final and is the end of an era. I know we're doing the right thing, but still gutted we've ended up here.
I'm trying to focus on the practicalities rather than "what will life be like in the aftermath". But on a 'positive' note it looks like another of my mates will be single shortly as well, so at least my social life should be fine.
Plate spinner said:
Re the dad situation and another man living with your kids, I’ll share.
As others have said, if you genuinely care about your kids, make time for them and live nearby it will be fine. Mine are independent teenagers now and spend far more time at mine than the original plan my ex and I drafted up couple of years ago. Simply because they want to and I want to and the geography makes it easy. I was tempted when to move nearer work to get some space from the situation of my ex having a new bloke. So glad I didn’t.
Despite my earlier point on the matter, this is exactly what I’ve done. My youngest daughter is nearly 10 and you can tell already she’s going to be giving her mother a very hard time in the future. She’s intelligent, perceptive and can read situations that have unfolded between her mother and I with frightening accuracy for a child. At the moment her mother seems to hold a grip on her and I’m given what minority of childcare time she wishes to grant, generally when she wants child free time with her partner. The moment she’s home alone and bored she tries to take the kids back. I strongly suspect things will change when my girl is in her teens, and I therefore plan to stick around as firmly and as closely as possible.As others have said, if you genuinely care about your kids, make time for them and live nearby it will be fine. Mine are independent teenagers now and spend far more time at mine than the original plan my ex and I drafted up couple of years ago. Simply because they want to and I want to and the geography makes it easy. I was tempted when to move nearer work to get some space from the situation of my ex having a new bloke. So glad I didn’t.
I wanted to flee the area when the marriage first broke, but having stuck around for the kids, I can safely say that you do eventually completely forget about the proximity to the ex and whatever new partner she might have. I could pass them both every day and not give a second glance, though I might not be able to help smirking slightly at the sight of her with a guy who looks older than her Dad.
Edited by theboss on Thursday 11th October 14:43
antspants said:
I'm ok I'm mostly A's apart from the sitting at the bar alone which always feels a bit weird until I'm about halfway through my 3rd pint. Mind you I say I'm ok but that's because my marriage has failed therefore my wife couldn't give a flying fk where I am!
Quick update on current situation, looks like me remortgaging for her equity value is doable so that's the route I'm taking. We worked through finances the other night and I'm going to pay her 50% extra on child support just until she increases her hours at work, but that won't be part of any official agreement it's just a short term thing.
She's going to have a look at a 2 bed flat tomorrow in the village my son goes to school which is available from mid-Nov so we may have a short period of either paying for that while she doesn't live in it, or her moving out before the remortgage is sorted. I don't think she'll be keen to do the latter though.
In the meantime I need to get the brakes done on my car then get it up for sale, and help her look for a smaller car to trade in the family estate against. Then it's a case of sitting down to work out value of contents and a suitable 50% valuation. Her rental is furnished so at least we won't need to half empty the house I'm staying in.
Will be telling our son this Sunday, which in a way I'm looking forward to getting out of the way but dreading far more at the same time. We've both taken the week off for half term to spend with him as a family and individually so he can ask any questions.
This has meant that actually I've had quite an emotional week, which is most unlike me, but shows how stressful and upsetting this is even when it's a very amicable split. My biggest jolt came when I realised she'd taken off her wedding ring, it suddenly seemed so very final and is the end of an era. I know we're doing the right thing, but still gutted we've ended up here.
I'm trying to focus on the practicalities rather than "what will life be like in the aftermath". But on a 'positive' note it looks like another of my mates will be single shortly as well, so at least my social life should be fine.
Not to minimise the rest of your post, but this could be the best bit of the whole thing. Mav'n'Goose back on the scene.k where I am! Quick update on current situation, looks like me remortgaging for her equity value is doable so that's the route I'm taking. We worked through finances the other night and I'm going to pay her 50% extra on child support just until she increases her hours at work, but that won't be part of any official agreement it's just a short term thing.
She's going to have a look at a 2 bed flat tomorrow in the village my son goes to school which is available from mid-Nov so we may have a short period of either paying for that while she doesn't live in it, or her moving out before the remortgage is sorted. I don't think she'll be keen to do the latter though.
In the meantime I need to get the brakes done on my car then get it up for sale, and help her look for a smaller car to trade in the family estate against. Then it's a case of sitting down to work out value of contents and a suitable 50% valuation. Her rental is furnished so at least we won't need to half empty the house I'm staying in.
Will be telling our son this Sunday, which in a way I'm looking forward to getting out of the way but dreading far more at the same time. We've both taken the week off for half term to spend with him as a family and individually so he can ask any questions.
This has meant that actually I've had quite an emotional week, which is most unlike me, but shows how stressful and upsetting this is even when it's a very amicable split. My biggest jolt came when I realised she'd taken off her wedding ring, it suddenly seemed so very final and is the end of an era. I know we're doing the right thing, but still gutted we've ended up here.
I'm trying to focus on the practicalities rather than "what will life be like in the aftermath". But on a 'positive' note it looks like another of my mates will be single shortly as well, so at least my social life should be fine.
ETA, poor choice of Mav'n'Goose. Goose was married. Del&Rodney? Nope.
Chandler&Joey?
Edited by SpeckledJim on Thursday 11th October 15:22
I've held off posting details of what happened to me over the last two years, as I didn't want to tempt fate. I'm mostly through the other side now though which is a huge relief !
So two years ago, my now ex GF(we were together for almost 17 years, and have two sons who are now 14 and 15) told me she had met someone and was moving out. Bullstted massively by saying she had met the guy recently, but it had actually been going on for 18 months. He left his wife and two sons, and they rented a place together 5 mins from me. She found out two weeks later that going out on the odd date with someone is quite different to living with someone.... as he dumped her. I only used the word 'karma' once 
She never once talked to me about being unhappy, and we were still shagging regularly. I had no idea, and I'll probably hold that against her for a long time. Our sons have been fine about the whole thing, and what pisses them off more than anything else is who's house the Xbox controller is in.
She began privately renting straight after the guy dumped her, and blew all her savings, maxed out her overdraft and credit card as I used to pay most of the bills when we were together. We had a joint mortgage that I've just transferred into my name and paid her out - with quite a percentage of it clearing her debts. Fortunately, she didn't take legal advice, and we agreed a property value ourselves. When my lender then had it valued as part of my mortgage application, i may have kept quiet about the £35k difference
Recently, I have been shagging my way around Northamptonshire's single 30 and 40 something ladies whilst avoiding any level of commitment for the time being. The last two years have been fairly awful for numerous reasons and its just starting to come good.
So two years ago, my now ex GF(we were together for almost 17 years, and have two sons who are now 14 and 15) told me she had met someone and was moving out. Bulls
tted massively by saying she had met the guy recently, but it had actually been going on for 18 months. He left his wife and two sons, and they rented a place together 5 mins from me. She found out two weeks later that going out on the odd date with someone is quite different to living with someone.... as he dumped her. I only used the word 'karma' once She never once talked to me about being unhappy, and we were still shagging regularly. I had no idea, and I'll probably hold that against her for a long time. Our sons have been fine about the whole thing, and what pisses them off more than anything else is who's house the Xbox controller is in.
She began privately renting straight after the guy dumped her, and blew all her savings, maxed out her overdraft and credit card as I used to pay most of the bills when we were together. We had a joint mortgage that I've just transferred into my name and paid her out - with quite a percentage of it clearing her debts. Fortunately, she didn't take legal advice, and we agreed a property value ourselves. When my lender then had it valued as part of my mortgage application, i may have kept quiet about the £35k difference
Recently, I have been shagging my way around Northamptonshire's single 30 and 40 something ladies whilst avoiding any level of commitment for the time being. The last two years have been fairly awful for numerous reasons and its just starting to come good.
80quattro said:
So two years ago, my now ex GF(we were together for almost 17 years, and have two sons who are now 14 and 15) told me she had met someone and was moving out. Bullstted massively by saying she had met the guy recently, but it had actually been going on for 18 months. He left his wife and two sons, and they rented a place together 5 mins from me. She found out two weeks later that going out on the odd date with someone is quite different to living with someone.... as he dumped her. I only used the word 'karma' once
I don't understand this. Mine did the same. 6 months later she was sobbing on my doorstep beacuse he'd thrown her (and my children) out. What I don't understand is that she spent 18 months planning this jump from her partner who had supported her for 14 years, she even had a secret bank account she was squirreling my daughter's disability benefits [claimed covertly] into and yet even with some money and the benefit of lots of planning, the new house was tenanted exclusively in the other guy's name! She put all her faith in him - so much for making a break for independence! Classic monkey-branching.tted massively by saying she had met the guy recently, but it had actually been going on for 18 months. He left his wife and two sons, and they rented a place together 5 mins from me. She found out two weeks later that going out on the odd date with someone is quite different to living with someone.... as he dumped her. I only used the word 'karma' once Did yours try and come back?
theboss said:
80quattro said:
So two years ago, my now ex GF(we were together for almost 17 years, and have two sons who are now 14 and 15) told me she had met someone and was moving out. Bullstted massively by saying she had met the guy recently, but it had actually been going on for 18 months. He left his wife and two sons, and they rented a place together 5 mins from me. She found out two weeks later that going out on the odd date with someone is quite different to living with someone.... as he dumped her. I only used the word 'karma' once
I don't understand this. Mine did the same. 6 months later she was sobbing on my doorstep beacuse he'd thrown her (and my children) out. What I don't understand is that she spent 18 months planning this jump from her partner who had supported her for 14 years, she even had a secret bank account she was squirreling my daughter's disability benefits [claimed covertly] into and yet even with some money and the benefit of lots of planning, the new house was tenanted exclusively in the other guy's name! She put all her faith in him - so much for making a break for independence! Classic monkey-branching.tted massively by saying she had met the guy recently, but it had actually been going on for 18 months. He left his wife and two sons, and they rented a place together 5 mins from me. She found out two weeks later that going out on the odd date with someone is quite different to living with someone.... as he dumped her. I only used the word 'karma' once Did yours try and come back?
Anyway if you don’t mind me asking how did that pan out in the end.
MB140 said:
The boss, wasn’t it your ex who ended up making herself a director of the new guys company which you thought might end up biting her on the ass with the law as it was in trouble and up to no good. (I’m not a businessman so don’t understand business stuff.
Anyway if you don’t mind me asking how did that pan out in the end.
I do update the thread occasionally. It's far from over. The good news is we are legally divorced and in fact I re-married a foreigner a few months ago and have a fantastic 'new life' ahead of me as we work through the immigration process.Anyway if you don’t mind me asking how did that pan out in the end.
After the above 'doorstep' moment I helped my ex establish herself in her own rented home, went beyond any reasonable call to support her onto her 'own two feet' (really those of the taxpayer) and sought to maintain a co-operative working relationship so far as the co-parenting of our children is concerned. The guy transferred that limited company into his own name and we hoped that would be the last.
Of course what really happened is that they eventually got back together, blaming everyone else for the failure of their 'first attempt', you know those bitter twisted ex-spouses who made their new rosy little life together so difficult. They are tactfully avoiding co-habiting as they are well aware that she is better off claiming max benefits and maintenance. We are now in the process of financial remedy proceedings and she's gunning opportunistically for anything she can get her hands on.
I won't really be able to post any further detail whilst proceedings progress over the coming months. The final 'piss boiler' is that having myself suffered quite a major health degradation just a few weeks before she jumped (or was pushed, depending how you look at it), it appears she is now clinging onto the prospect of me pursuing quite a major medical negligence claim and being awarded personal damages. She wants to cash in on the fact that I have to live with spinal cord injury for the rest of my life, despite leaving me for dead when the injury occured. She was even screwing the guy whilst my mum babysat thinking she was visiting me in hospital
Edited by theboss on Thursday 11th October 17:22
80quattro said:
I've held off posting details of what happened to me over the last two years, as I didn't want to tempt fate. I'm mostly through the other side now though which is a huge relief !
So two years ago, my now ex GF(we were together for almost 17 years, and have two sons who are now 14 and 15) told me she had met someone and was moving out. Bullstted massively by saying she had met the guy recently, but it had actually been going on for 18 months. He left his wife and two sons, and they rented a place together 5 mins from me. She found out two weeks later that going out on the odd date with someone is quite different to living with someone.... as he dumped her. I only used the word 'karma' once
She never once talked to me about being unhappy, and we were still shagging regularly. I had no idea, and I'll probably hold that against her for a long time. Our sons have been fine about the whole thing, and what pisses them off more than anything else is who's house the Xbox controller is in.
She began privately renting straight after the guy dumped her, and blew all her savings, maxed out her overdraft and credit card as I used to pay most of the bills when we were together. We had a joint mortgage that I've just transferred into my name and paid her out - with quite a percentage of it clearing her debts. Fortunately, she didn't take legal advice, and we agreed a property value ourselves. When my lender then had it valued as part of my mortgage application, i may have kept quiet about the £35k difference
Recently, I have been shagging my way around Northamptonshire's single 30 and 40 something ladies whilst avoiding any level of commitment for the time being. The last two years have been fairly awful for numerous reasons and its just starting to come good.
If I might suggest a word of caution here, but the lack of independent legal advice could leave your wife with an opportunity to go back to court and get the agreement set aside. I have heard that courts are receptive to such applications if it seems that the wife got a raw deal without independent advice. Tread carefully.So two years ago, my now ex GF(we were together for almost 17 years, and have two sons who are now 14 and 15) told me she had met someone and was moving out. Bulls
tted massively by saying she had met the guy recently, but it had actually been going on for 18 months. He left his wife and two sons, and they rented a place together 5 mins from me. She found out two weeks later that going out on the odd date with someone is quite different to living with someone.... as he dumped her. I only used the word 'karma' once She never once talked to me about being unhappy, and we were still shagging regularly. I had no idea, and I'll probably hold that against her for a long time. Our sons have been fine about the whole thing, and what pisses them off more than anything else is who's house the Xbox controller is in.
She began privately renting straight after the guy dumped her, and blew all her savings, maxed out her overdraft and credit card as I used to pay most of the bills when we were together. We had a joint mortgage that I've just transferred into my name and paid her out - with quite a percentage of it clearing her debts. Fortunately, she didn't take legal advice, and we agreed a property value ourselves. When my lender then had it valued as part of my mortgage application, i may have kept quiet about the £35k difference
Recently, I have been shagging my way around Northamptonshire's single 30 and 40 something ladies whilst avoiding any level of commitment for the time being. The last two years have been fairly awful for numerous reasons and its just starting to come good.
hutchst said:
If I might suggest a word of caution here, but the lack of independent legal advice could leave your wife with an opportunity to go back to court and get the agreement set aside. I have heard that courts are receptive to such applications if it seems that the wife got a raw deal without independent advice. Tread carefully.
Her carrying a print-out of this thread into court wouldn't help him much either.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff