Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Robertj21a said:
It's not surprising that a divorce can lead many men to wonder why they bother with marriage.
Just stay single, life is suddenly a lot easier !
Have to agree, for me getting divorced was the most stressful and upsetting event of my life so far, at some points I thought it would never be over. I don't ever want to go through divorce again, and if I don't remarry then I never have to, simples.Just stay single, life is suddenly a lot easier !
Plus getting divorced suddenly left me living with my parents with very little money all on the whim of someone else. I have my own property now, own bank account and I don't have to justify what I spend (or don't spend in my case, my ex-wife liked to ensure we lived month to month by spending everything she could)
If you get married then you are signing a contract that gives the other person the ability to destroy your life whenever they want to.
Five years on and I have gone from thinking that divorce is the worst thing that could have happened to me, to probably the best thing that could have happened.
Harry Flashman said:
It's funny - when I first started dallying with Lady F (and I remember the situation well), I had just got back from a week in Ibiza, and I was dating three girls (including my future wife). And I remember sitting down with my best friend, now best man, and discussing this with him. The hot and completely crazy Russian with no discernible job, a 7 bedroom house in Kensington, and a scary father, the beautiful receptionist/model with no real prospects and a credit card problem, and Lady F who despite not being as good-looking as the other two was pretty, stylish, stable, funny and very popular with my friends (male and female), and financially not just independent, but thriving and successful.
It was, after a long run of going out with gorgeous and nuts women an absolute relief to deliberately choose someone fun and unpretentious. And nine years later, I am very glad that I did. But I nearly didn't. And I could have been on this thread bemoaning the fact that some utter harridan was screwing me over for all of my assets and keeping me from my children, and sleeping with someone else.
I've posted elsewhere, years ago, but when I broke up with the Russian, I found a Range Rover with two blokes in it sitting outside my house every evening for a week - I called the police in the end. So at least one of my decisions was validated immediately.
And don't get me wrong, I very nearly made the wrong choice as in those days, I was still worrying about having the prettiest girl in the room on my arm. It was my best friend who (verbally) knocked some sense into me (he is very happily married to his university sweetheart, with two lovely daughters).
The point is not to gloat - it is to tell you that there, but for some real luck, go I. I read these stories and think of the lucky escapes I have had. I have been engaged twice before Lady F, to totally unsuitable females, and I have bailed at the last minute; never through good judgement, but from lack of commitment. That immaturity saved me from hell, quite frankly.
There are some absolute psychos out there, boys. You chaps on the rebound - tread carefully. Keep it light. When you commit again, make some smart choices.
The problem you and others have is making the right choice. Fortunately for me, short sighted desperate women with low expectations are much thinner on the ground, so I married the first one I could, just in case I never found another. That was well over 30 years ago, so I just got lucky. No skill involved at all. It was, after a long run of going out with gorgeous and nuts women an absolute relief to deliberately choose someone fun and unpretentious. And nine years later, I am very glad that I did. But I nearly didn't. And I could have been on this thread bemoaning the fact that some utter harridan was screwing me over for all of my assets and keeping me from my children, and sleeping with someone else.
I've posted elsewhere, years ago, but when I broke up with the Russian, I found a Range Rover with two blokes in it sitting outside my house every evening for a week - I called the police in the end. So at least one of my decisions was validated immediately.
And don't get me wrong, I very nearly made the wrong choice as in those days, I was still worrying about having the prettiest girl in the room on my arm. It was my best friend who (verbally) knocked some sense into me (he is very happily married to his university sweetheart, with two lovely daughters).
The point is not to gloat - it is to tell you that there, but for some real luck, go I. I read these stories and think of the lucky escapes I have had. I have been engaged twice before Lady F, to totally unsuitable females, and I have bailed at the last minute; never through good judgement, but from lack of commitment. That immaturity saved me from hell, quite frankly.
There are some absolute psychos out there, boys. You chaps on the rebound - tread carefully. Keep it light. When you commit again, make some smart choices.
Edited by Harry Flashman on Wednesday 17th October 19:18
I genuinely (and I'm not dismissing you Twig) think that happens so often.
Some people are just happier when life is easier.
Other people maybe play around a lot, and realise how many fabulous adventures and different flavours there are - and that genuinely makes it harder to commit because, well, why would you.........
then we have people like myself and Mr Harry F - who have gone through the middle 'top shagger' stages and come out the other side, and decided on someone that isn't a f
king mental case.
The problem becomes for the sensitive types, who aren't that experienced fall in love with some right swts that only want the cash, or treat their heroes like st.
I can spot that from 1000 miles - and sometimes I choose to play for the sts and giggles before pulling the ejection handle on my terms.
Others no matter how good looking, I don't get involved.
All I know is , for me, one life. I work hard, and I won't give a penny I don't want to , to anyone that I don't want to (or legally have to).
I can't avoid speeding fines , road insurance and various taxes..............I can avoid getting married to some person who is going to think I owe her something at the end of some outdated promise that has no place in the modern world (INHO).
All, of course made easier because I never wanted children, so I literally have nothing to lose.
I am truly free - I don't know how anyone lives any other way.
Some people are just happier when life is easier.
Other people maybe play around a lot, and realise how many fabulous adventures and different flavours there are - and that genuinely makes it harder to commit because, well, why would you.........
then we have people like myself and Mr Harry F - who have gone through the middle 'top shagger' stages and come out the other side, and decided on someone that isn't a f
king mental case.The problem becomes for the sensitive types, who aren't that experienced fall in love with some right swts that only want the cash, or treat their heroes like s
t.I can spot that from 1000 miles - and sometimes I choose to play for the s
ts and giggles before pulling the ejection handle on my terms.Others no matter how good looking, I don't get involved.
All I know is , for me, one life. I work hard, and I won't give a penny I don't want to , to anyone that I don't want to (or legally have to).
I can't avoid speeding fines , road insurance and various taxes..............I can avoid getting married to some person who is going to think I owe her something at the end of some outdated promise that has no place in the modern world (INHO).
All, of course made easier because I never wanted children, so I literally have nothing to lose.
I am truly free - I don't know how anyone lives any other way.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Harry Flashman said:
It's funny - when I first started dallying with Lady F (and I remember the situation well), I had just got back from a week in Ibiza, and I was dating three girls (including my future wife). And I remember sitting down with my best friend, now best man, and discussing this with him. The hot and completely crazy Russian with no discernible job, a 7 bedroom house in Kensington, and a scary father, the beautiful receptionist/model with no real prospects and a credit card problem, and Lady F who despite not being as good-looking as the other two was pretty, stylish, stable, funny and very popular with my friends (male and female), and financially not just independent, but thriving and successful.
It was, after a long run of going out with gorgeous and nuts women an absolute relief to deliberately choose someone fun and unpretentious. And nine years later, I am very glad that I did. But I nearly didn't. And I could have been on this thread bemoaning the fact that some utter harridan was screwing me over for all of my assets and keeping me from my children, and sleeping with someone else.
I've posted elsewhere, years ago, but when I broke up with the Russian, I found a Range Rover with two blokes in it sitting outside my house every evening for a week - I called the police in the end. So at least one of my decisions was validated immediately.
And don't get me wrong, I very nearly made the wrong choice as in those days, I was still worrying about having the prettiest girl in the room on my arm. It was my best friend who (verbally) knocked some sense into me (he is very happily married to his university sweetheart, with two lovely daughters).
The point is not to gloat - it is to tell you that there, but for some real luck, go I. I read these stories and think of the lucky escapes I have had. I have been engaged twice before Lady F, to totally unsuitable females, and I have bailed at the last minute; never through good judgement, but from lack of commitment. That immaturity saved me from hell, quite frankly.
There are some absolute psychos out there, boys. You chaps on the rebound - tread carefully. Keep it light. When you commit again, make some smart choices.
The problem you and others have is making the right choice. Fortunately for me, short sighted desperate women with low expectations are much thinner on the ground, so I married the first one I could, just in case I never found another. That was well over 30 years ago, so I just got lucky. No skill involved at all. It was, after a long run of going out with gorgeous and nuts women an absolute relief to deliberately choose someone fun and unpretentious. And nine years later, I am very glad that I did. But I nearly didn't. And I could have been on this thread bemoaning the fact that some utter harridan was screwing me over for all of my assets and keeping me from my children, and sleeping with someone else.
I've posted elsewhere, years ago, but when I broke up with the Russian, I found a Range Rover with two blokes in it sitting outside my house every evening for a week - I called the police in the end. So at least one of my decisions was validated immediately.
And don't get me wrong, I very nearly made the wrong choice as in those days, I was still worrying about having the prettiest girl in the room on my arm. It was my best friend who (verbally) knocked some sense into me (he is very happily married to his university sweetheart, with two lovely daughters).
The point is not to gloat - it is to tell you that there, but for some real luck, go I. I read these stories and think of the lucky escapes I have had. I have been engaged twice before Lady F, to totally unsuitable females, and I have bailed at the last minute; never through good judgement, but from lack of commitment. That immaturity saved me from hell, quite frankly.
There are some absolute psychos out there, boys. You chaps on the rebound - tread carefully. Keep it light. When you commit again, make some smart choices.
Edited by Harry Flashman on Wednesday 17th October 19:18
TwigtheWonderkid said:
The problem you and others have is making the right choice. Fortunately for me, short sighted desperate women with low expectations are much thinner on the ground, so I married the first one I could, just in case I never found another. That was well over 30 years ago, so I just got lucky. No skill involved at all.
Think you will find this is what 80% of men do. 20% of men are beating them off with a stick, the remaining 80% settle for what they can get. This is why the majority of men seem to marry the first woman who gives them regular sex as they are worried they will never find another.I see it at work all the time, 5/6 out of ten men in their 20s who are married to a woman who "all she wants is to be a mum". I can see the inevitable car crash from a thousand paces.
I just smile and say congratulations when they tell me they are going to be a dad.
The Selfish Gene said:
I don't know how anyone affords it.
It took me years to save up to buy a house. To give it away, and other elements of savings etc.
I'd be so depressed that it was all wasted like that.
Hence have never been, and will never get married.
Couldn't agree more... I've worked bloody hard for what I have and there's not a cat in hell's chance that I'm going to risk losing half of it because a woman has decided that the grass is greener on the other side.It took me years to save up to buy a house. To give it away, and other elements of savings etc.
I'd be so depressed that it was all wasted like that.
Hence have never been, and will never get married.
I've been single for my entire life (bar the odd short dalliance) and am quite content with that....... the only negative for me is that I would have liked to have kids (just not the crazy woman that comes with them lol)!!
Fastchas said:
After my divorce and experiences with POF etc, and my friend's completely deranged ex, I came to the conclusion that there are a lot of other peoples cast-offs out there. They have been cast off for a reason by their partners (male & female). It's scary what you could be walking into...
For me online dating is like dumpster diving for food and expecting to come out with a gourmet meal. You might find something acceptable to eat, but you will have to be pretty hungry.POF, if you are in your 40's is a succession of serial bad decision makers. I hate to stereotype but the woman will most likely live in a poor quality rented house, have two children (usually by different men) and be earning low £20k.
Now I am not saying this is everyone, I met a few woman who had amazing houses and lifestyles but the above seemed to be the majority.
I felt the ones I met and wouldn't leave me alone were the ones who thought I might get them out of their current life. You need to be very careful as some of these women would think nothing about getting pregnant to trap you and would easily be able to justify it to themselves.
Joey Deacon said:
Fastchas said:
After my divorce and experiences with POF etc, and my friend's completely deranged ex, I came to the conclusion that there are a lot of other peoples cast-offs out there. They have been cast off for a reason by their partners (male & female). It's scary what you could be walking into...
For me online dating is like dumpster diving for food and expecting to come out with a gourmet meal. You might find something acceptable to eat, but you will have to be pretty hungry.POF, if you are in your 40's is a succession of serial bad decision makers. I hate to stereotype but the woman will most likely live in a poor quality rented house, have two children (usually by different men) and be earning low £20k.
Now I am not saying this is everyone, I met a few woman who had amazing houses and lifestyles but the above seemed to be the majority.
I felt the ones I met and wouldn't leave me alone were the ones who thought I might get them out of their current life. You need to be very careful as some of these women would think nothing about getting pregnant to trap you and would easily be able to justify it to themselves.
Ha - I don't want my own kids, I certainly wouldn't be going a date with a woman with kids to someone else. That is the ultimate worst of all worlds.
we could tell stories all day - but I was dating this absolute gorgeous pint sized UK based Eastern European. I started seeing her at 29 when I was 40.
Mega for 2 years - absolutely mega.
Like a fantasy girl. She loved it all, anything we wanted - no-matter what was catered for.
Then all of a sudden wanted to move in with me. I said no, I don't really do that living together thing.
The change in her - was unbelievable.
"I've served my time"
"we need to live together now"
All the fun stuff stopped immediately and she literally turned into a total nightmare.
It is genuinely a total nightmare out there!!
I think unless you find that person when you're both young, it's kind fked.
As my esteemed colleague says above - they're all cast out and mental on these websites.
It's not hugely better in the bars of London, although critically it is better.
I was lucky I think in that my current on/off and maybe fully on was with someone for 5 years when young, then another 4 when a bit older with some time in between and then met me a year after that. So non of the mental second hand POF dartboard stuff went on.
Mega for 2 years - absolutely mega.
Like a fantasy girl. She loved it all, anything we wanted - no-matter what was catered for.
Then all of a sudden wanted to move in with me. I said no, I don't really do that living together thing.
The change in her - was unbelievable.
"I've served my time"
"we need to live together now"
All the fun stuff stopped immediately and she literally turned into a total nightmare.
It is genuinely a total nightmare out there!!
I think unless you find that person when you're both young, it's kind f
ked.As my esteemed colleague says above - they're all cast out and mental on these websites.
It's not hugely better in the bars of London, although critically it is better.
I was lucky I think in that my current on/off and maybe fully on was with someone for 5 years when young, then another 4 when a bit older with some time in between and then met me a year after that. So non of the mental second hand POF dartboard stuff went on.
Harry Flashman said:
My friend turned 40 and, desperate to be a Dad, re-kindled a romance with a former girlfriend. My friend is a successful chap, with a heart of gold. His last girlfriend refused to move out of his house and instead of playing it the way normal people would have, he gave her £15k to disappear and leave him alone. Which she did, the thieving strumpet.
Anyway, fast forward to today. He is married. With two adorable children. And his wife is an absolute piece of work. I observed the following on Sunday!
- Various tt beaviours
For god's sake people. Do not compromise, and recognise the signs before you commit. My friend was a total idiot. And for the record, most of my friends are married to lovely people. This one won't end well, though.
Did she behave like this before they got married? If so, more fool him tbh. Anyway, fast forward to today. He is married. With two adorable children. And his wife is an absolute piece of work. I observed the following on Sunday!
- Various t
t beavioursFor god's sake people. Do not compromise, and recognise the signs before you commit. My friend was a total idiot. And for the record, most of my friends are married to lovely people. This one won't end well, though.
TroubledSoul said:
You need to get yourself right before you jump into anything.
Definitely. You need to establish self confidence and back yourself.The ones getting mugged off in relationships are the low self-esteem, low self-confidence men.
The Selfish Gene said:
I never looked at the POF thing - but surely you can filter to say no women with kids?
Ha - I don't want my own kids, I certainly wouldn't be going a date with a woman with kids to someone else. That is the ultimate worst of all worlds.
Yes, I think you can but women in their mid/late 30's tend to fall into two camps:Ha - I don't want my own kids, I certainly wouldn't be going a date with a woman with kids to someone else. That is the ultimate worst of all worlds.
1)Got children and all the baggage that go with them
2)Want children and are on a schedule and don't have time to waste.
I agree about the absolute worst of all worlds, I had one woman who wanted me to meet her children after seeing her twice. Those poor children, they must just meet a succession of men who are Mummy's boyfriend.
The more you think about it the more can be said of just not bothering
anonymous said:
[redacted]
it's not an aversion to someone else's kids Tonker - I don't like kids at all. Having to look after someone else's is mildly worse than having my own was what I was getting at.and yeah - when I used internet sites I ticked the option with no kids. Always.
It maybe blinkered, but I know myself well. I don't want all that s
t in my life. I'm too busy to have to give up time on that sort of thing.Maybe as I get older I'll change, but at the minute, I'm 100% out of dating anyone with a kid.
I do want kids and that does worry me at 36 as I have to find a younger woman and have enough time to get to know if they are the right one to do that with etc. Throw in the fact I'm now going to work in Afghanistan for up to two years with a month in the UK every ten weeks and it's not looking like happening anytime soon.
Still, I'd rather be single than make the wrong decision or bring kids into something that wasn't right at this point.
Still, I'd rather be single than make the wrong decision or bring kids into something that wasn't right at this point.
TroubledSoul said:
I do want kids and that does worry me at 36 as I have to find a younger woman and have enough time to get to know if they are the right one to do that with etc. Throw in the fact I'm now going to work in Afghanistan for up to two years with a month in the UK every ten weeks and it's not looking like happening anytime soon.
Still, I'd rather be single than make the wrong decision or bring kids into something that wasn't right at this point.
ha ha don't worry about having kids - if you want one - and at 36 with a decent job - literally there will be an endless supply of women that will let you impregnate them at a moments notice.Still, I'd rather be single than make the wrong decision or bring kids into something that wasn't right at this point.
The Selfish Gene said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
it's not an aversion to someone else's kids Tonker - I don't like kids at all. Having to look after someone else's is mildly worse than having my own was what I was getting at.and yeah - when I used internet sites I ticked the option with no kids. Always.
It maybe blinkered, but I know myself well. I don't want all that s
t in my life. I'm too busy to have to give up time on that sort of thing.Maybe as I get older I'll change, but at the minute, I'm 100% out of dating anyone with a kid.
When I split with my first wife I made sure all the women I dated knew I didnt won’t kids, will never want kids and don’t want to look after any kids if they think they are going to change my mind. One lady I dated said she had no kids by date 3 or 4 she suddenly had kids.
Black and yellow pulled, I was out of there.
Thankfully I met the most wonderful woman that hates kids, doesn’t have a maternal bone in her body and tithings have been great for near on 10 years (married for 3). I couldn’t be happier.
I’ve always told her though that if anything happens between us (death/split up), that’s it for me. I would be looking for some no strings but that’s it. The moment any emotions become involved I would be off. My first wife was a colossal mistake. My second is about perfect in my eyes. A third no thanks. I would be buying a lagoon 410 owners version and off I would go.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
The one time I dallianced with a parent, I liked her kids an awful lot more than her but I don't think I could do it again. I have no memory of my parents being in the same room and I did not like most of the people either of them subsequently tried to get me to like. I couldn't bear the idea of playing the same role in some other child's life and you'll also never know what type of war zone you're strolling into until you're mired in it.
The older I get the less settled I want to be. It's definitely not for me in any way whatsoever so far more sensible to not consider it from the off.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Their logic is basically that it's someone who is afraid of commitment, and is therefore too risky to choose so therefore get discounted most of the time. I can see their logic, and to their purposes it's probably a good filter. So I'd have to agree with your unicorn hunting view. As old fashioned a view as it might be, as far as I can see, there are fewer women that just want to mess around and lead a single life than there are men. One can carry on not settling down forever, but eventually your options will at best be much more limited.
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