Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[Leonard Stanley]

Well I am the latest addition to this thread, happy to start a new one if you guys prefer though.

I’ll spare you the details, at least for now.

It’s a mutual thing, pretty much.

I’m about to break the golden rule and move out of the house . Atmosphere is toxic, kids are suffering. I’ll rent (for now).

One question, where I’d be really grateful of some advice - could somebody recommend a family lawyer in the south please? (Berkshire, Hampshire would be ideal).

Thanks, chaps.

Edited by Leonard Stanley on Monday 5th November 15:14

[Gargamel]

Leonard Stanley said:

Well I am the latest addition to this thread, happy to start a new one if you guys prefer though.

I’ll spare you the details, at least for now.

It’s a mutual thing, pretty much.

I’m about to break the golden rule and move out of the house . Atmosphere is toxic, kids are suffering. I’ll rent.

One question, where I’d be really grateful of some advice - could somebody recommend a family lawyer in the south please? (Berkshire, Hampshire would be ideal).

Thanks, chaps.

I have PM'ed you

[Leonard Stanley]

Gargamel said:

Leonard Stanley said:

Well I am the latest addition to this thread, happy to start a new one if you guys prefer though.

I’ll spare you the details, at least for now.

It’s a mutual thing, pretty much.

I’m about to break the golden rule and move out of the house . Atmosphere is toxic, kids are suffering. I’ll rent.

One question, where I’d be really grateful of some advice - could somebody recommend a family lawyer in the south please? (Berkshire, Hampshire would be ideal).

Thanks, chaps.

I have PM'ed you

PM received - thank you so much, appreciate you taking the time.

[Robertj21a]

As others will soon say, and you clearly know already, moving out is usually not a wise thing to do. It may seem sensible at present but that often changes with hindsight.

[Leonard Stanley]

Robertj21a said:

As others will soon say, and you clearly know already, moving out is usually not a wise thing to do. It may seem sensible at present but that often changes with hindsight.

I sense that. I’ve agonised over this for a long time, but the sanity vs protection of assets balance has tipped in favour of the former.

[RC1807]

Sad times, Capt Slow .... but best wishes for everything for your future. (Just read your other post about your house being less cluttered! )



ETA: I had a long conversation with my eldest brother yesterday.
He's 54 and been married 27 years to an American, lives in the U.S. He's going through some very tough medical issues at the moment, and when he explained them to me, I was amazed his wife's not taking a real / genuine interest or concern into what he's going through. My wife thought the same. He works his ass off to make enough to pay for everything, house, 2 cars, and >$2k/month to pay his son's student loans (I know....!), and I can see his situation leading to divorce in the not too distant future - even if that meant he walked away with nothing and started again. He can't even tell me when the last time was they had sex, it was so long ago!
It's really sad to hear him on the phone. I just want to get on a plane and go and give the old bugger a hug.

Edited by RC1807 on Monday 5th November 12:41

[Leonard Stanley]

[redacted]

[Leonard Stanley]

Paddy_N_Murphy said:

Robertj21a said:

As others will soon say, and you clearly know already, moving out is usually not a wise thing to do. It may seem sensible at present but that often changes with hindsight.

It can be, or alternatively not.
Everyone and their relationship and spouses, are different.


Don't stress over it being 'what everyone else says' do what's right for you and your family.

Thanks Paddy, absolutely will do that. But I’m almost guaranteed to make a shed load of errors along the way.

[croyde]

Harry Flashman said:

Chaps, this is not a tale of my own as Lady F remains bamboozled with rohypnol and thus hopelessly in love with me, when she can remember who she is (reminds me, I need to top up my supply), but a cautionary tale from a visit to a dear friend on Sunday.

My friend turned 40 and, desperate to be a Dad, re-kindled a romance with a former girlfriend. My friend is a successful chap, with a heart of gold. His last girlfriend refused to move out of his house and instead of playing it the way normal people would have, he gave her £15k to disappear and leave him alone. Which she did, the thieving strumpet.

Anyway, fast forward to today. He is married. With two adorable children. And his wife is an absolute piece of work. I observed the following on Sunday!

- screaming at him (who was making lunch and taking care of the baby) to come and mind their 3 year old, as she was busy having "me time" (guzzling wine and telling my bemused wife about how she was feeling ill)

- making the comment "oh, I don't really bother looking at what things cost" (she earns precisely zero, and had absolutely no prospects before my friend married her)

- telling me that no way could my friend join me alone at the weekend, as she needed her time off and he had to mind the kids (she doesn't work, they have a housekeeper, and he works 12 hour days during the week)

- regaling us with "funny" stories about how bad my friend's cooking is (she doesn't, and can't cook. He does it all, including making lunch for them before he heads to the office).

- How she refused to speak to him when he bought his Porsche (£8k worth of 2004 Boxster), because it is such a "waste of money". She was wearing Jimmy Choos at the time, and drinking a £60 bottle of wine.

For god's sake people. Do not compromise, and recognise the signs before you commit. My friend was a total idiot. And for the record, most of my friends are married to lovely people. This one won't end well, though.

A PHer I know asked me, after meeting Lady F, why I married someone like her, as opposed to a very obvious, blonde sidepiece (the type I used to love dating). He was surprised, given my past endeavours, that she a) had a career, b) has two masters degrees and c) is not a stripper lookalike who wanders around in a miniskirt and heels all day long.

Simple - I fell in love with my wife because she is understated, classy, cares not a fig for material stuff, has her own brain/career, and is the kindest, most generous person I have ever met. She loves to party, but isn't a wreckhead. She is affectionate and warm, without being emotionally unstable. She understand the value of money as she has worked for it. I won't talk about bedroom stuff in detail, but I have not compromised (and neither has she)

Make proper choices, gentlemen.

And if you don't, make sure you're handy with a chainsaw and a shovel. There are some absolute car crashes out there and this thread proves that they stay with you for a long, long time, even after you manage to disentangle yourself.

I do of course tell Lady F that if she ever does become a mentalist, she'll be fertilising the fruit trees. Keeps things clear.

Edited by Harry Flashman on Wednesday 17th October 14:02

Your mate's wife sounds like my ex wife and your current lady sounds like my new girlfriend.

[otherman]

Leonard Stanley said:

I’m about to break the golden rule and move out of the house . Atmosphere is toxic, kids are suffering. I’ll rent.

A lot of people do say don't move out, but I've yet to hear a good reason why. I moved out, and it made no difference. Joint assets are still joint assets.
Because most likely your wife will get custody, she'll get the lion's share of those assets, but that's not as a result of where you live.

[Fermit and Sarah]

theboss said:

Plate spinner said:

Re the dad situation and another man living with your kids, I’ll share.

As others have said, if you genuinely care about your kids, make time for them and live nearby it will be fine. Mine are independent teenagers now and spend far more time at mine than the original plan my ex and I drafted up couple of years ago. Simply because they want to and I want to and the geography makes it easy. I was tempted when to move nearer work to get some space from the situation of my ex having a new bloke. So glad I didn’t.

Despite my earlier point on the matter, this is exactly what I’ve done. My youngest daughter is nearly 10 and you can tell already she’s going to be giving her mother a very hard time in the future. She’s intelligent, perceptive and can read situations that have unfolded between her mother and I with frightening accuracy for a child. At the moment her mother seems to hold a grip on her and I’m given what minority of childcare time she wishes to grant, generally when she wants child free time with her partner. The moment she’s home alone and bored she tries to take the kids back. I strongly suspect things will change when my girl is in her teens, and I therefore plan to stick around as firmly and as closely as possible.

I wanted to flee the area when the marriage first broke, but having stuck around for the kids, I can safely say that you do eventually completely forget about the proximity to the ex and whatever new partner she might have. I could pass them both every day and not give a second glance, though I might not be able to help smirking slightly at the sight of her with a guy who looks older than her Dad.

Edited by theboss on Thursday 11th October 14:43

It's interesting to hear that the ex is still the moron she came across as in your removing cheating partner thread!

[mr_spock]

otherman said:

Leonard Stanley said:

I’m about to break the golden rule and move out of the house . Atmosphere is toxic, kids are suffering. I’ll rent.

A lot of people do say don't move out, but I've yet to hear a good reason why. I moved out, and it made no difference. Joint assets are still joint assets.
Because most likely your wife will get custody, she'll get the lion's share of those assets, but that's not as a result of where you live.

I was told there are a couple of reasons. If the party in the home wants to hold up a sale, it's much easier if the other party has moved out. Since they're both liable for the mortgage, you can see how this would drag on for a while. Second, the party who moves out demonstrates that they can live just fine in rented while still paying for the house. This negatively affects the part of the process where you show how much you need to live on.

[anonymous-user]

RC1807 said:

Sad times, Capt Slow .... but best wishes for everything for your future. (Just read your other post about your house being less cluttered! )



ETA: I had a long conversation with my eldest brother yesterday.
He's 54 and been married 27 years to an American, lives in the U.S. He's going through some very tough medical issues at the moment, and when he explained them to me, I was amazed his wife's not taking a real / genuine interest or concern into what he's going through. My wife thought the same. He works his ass off to make enough to pay for everything, house, 2 cars, and >$2k/month to pay his son's student loans (I know....!), and I can see his situation leading to divorce in the not too distant future - even if that meant he walked away with nothing and started again. He can't even tell me when the last time was they had sex, it was so long ago!
It's really sad to hear him on the phone. I just want to get on a plane and go and give the old bugger a hug.

Edited by RC1807 on Monday 5th November 12:41

Sounds to me like your brother is just a resource to his wife, sent out to the plantation every day like some sort of slave. I suspect that if it ever gets to the stage where he is too ill to work anymore she will soon get rid of him.

Unfortunately the reality for a lot of men is that they are purely a wallet until their wives divorce fantasy urge gets too strong.

[anonymous-user]

mr_spock said:

otherman said:

Leonard Stanley said:

I’m about to break the golden rule and move out of the house . Atmosphere is toxic, kids are suffering. I’ll rent.

A lot of people do say don't move out, but I've yet to hear a good reason why. I moved out, and it made no difference. Joint assets are still joint assets.
Because most likely your wife will get custody, she'll get the lion's share of those assets, but that's not as a result of where you live.

I was told there are a couple of reasons. If the party in the home wants to hold up a sale, it's much easier if the other party has moved out. Since they're both liable for the mortgage, you can see how this would drag on for a while. Second, the party who moves out demonstrates that they can live just fine in rented while still paying for the house. This negatively affects the part of the process where you show how much you need to live on.

Lets be honest, if you have kids then the wife is never going to voluntarily sell the house. As far as she is concerned it is hers now and you now have to pay for it.

So you are left with two options basically :

1)If you are a powerfully built director you just give the original house to your wife and buy another one for yourself.

2)If you earn a normal salary then you are screwed. The wife will not be able to take on the mortgage herself so you will have to remain named on the mortgage. This means when you see a mortgage broker about the possibility of getting another mortgage they will laugh once you explain the situation and how much you are spending in Alimony/child support/mortgage payments.

Your options are then live with your parents or rent a crappy flat. If you decide to rent a flat you will get a two bedroom one for when the children come over to stay. Except you will soon realise that they don't want to share a bedroom in your crappy flat when they can stay in their own bedrooms.

If you are in group 2 then you have my sympathies, been there and got the T shirt. I was lucky in that my ex wife remarried and her new husband did the right thing and bought me out and took over the mortgage. Honestly I could kiss him for that.

[Leonard Stanley]

Joey Deacon said:

RC1807 said:

Sad times, Capt Slow .... but best wishes for everything for your future. (Just read your other post about your house being less cluttered! )



ETA: I had a long conversation with my eldest brother yesterday.
He's 54 and been married 27 years to an American, lives in the U.S. He's going through some very tough medical issues at the moment, and when he explained them to me, I was amazed his wife's not taking a real / genuine interest or concern into what he's going through. My wife thought the same. He works his ass off to make enough to pay for everything, house, 2 cars, and >$2k/month to pay his son's student loans (I know....!), and I can see his situation leading to divorce in the not too distant future - even if that meant he walked away with nothing and started again. He can't even tell me when the last time was they had sex, it was so long ago!
It's really sad to hear him on the phone. I just want to get on a plane and go and give the old bugger a hug.

Edited by RC1807 on Monday 5th November 12:41

Sounds to me like your brother is just a resource to his wife, sent out to the plantation every day like some sort of slave. I suspect that if it ever gets to the stage where he is too ill to work anymore she will soon get rid of him.

Unfortunately the reality for a lot of men is that they are purely a wallet until their wives divorce fantasy urge gets too strong.

Plantation.

Love this place.

[stewies_minion]

otherman said:

Leonard Stanley said:

I’m about to break the golden rule and move out of the house . Atmosphere is toxic, kids are suffering. I’ll rent.

A lot of people do say don't move out, but I've yet to hear a good reason why. I moved out, and it made no difference. Joint assets are still joint assets.
Because most likely your wife will get custody, she'll get the lion's share of those assets, but that's not as a result of where you live.

I also moved out to stay with a mate. Didn’t impact me buying her out and moving back in a few months later.

[theboss]

Fermit and Sarah said:

It's interesting to hear that the ex is still the moron she came across as in your removing cheating partner thread!

The acrimony is now ten times worse than it ever was 2 years ago. She is going full bore for a huge slice of any compensation I receive for the NHS misdiagnosis which has cost me my pelvic area functions just before we spit up. Proceedings are going to run for years because the medical negligence claim will take a long time to settle. I’m so appalled at her blatant attempt to cash in on my misfortune that I can’t even look at the woman. I won’t say too much now because legal proceedings are in progress but look out for the big angry daily mail story once it resolves either way. I just hope the courts see through her (naively optimistic I know).

[Fermit and Sarah]

theboss said:

Fermit and Sarah said:

It's interesting to hear that the ex is still the moron she came across as in your removing cheating partner thread!

The acrimony is now ten times worse than it ever was 2 years ago. She is going full bore for a huge slice of any compensation I receive for the NHS misdiagnosis which has cost me my pelvic area functions just before we spit up. Proceedings are going to run for years because the medical negligence claim will take a long time to settle. I’m so appalled at her blatant attempt to cash in on my misfortune that I can’t even look at the woman. I won’t say too much now because legal proceedings are in progress but look out for the big angry daily mail story once it resolves either way. I just hope the courts see through her (naively optimistic I know).

I can imagine, it is shameless behaviour. I wouldn't blame you for contacting one of the gutter rags afterwards, it would be no less than she deserves. IANAL but I can't see how she would be granted any of it, but the putting you through yet another battle is bad enough!

Just make sure that any/all mutual friends get the low down on her wicked games. Not that I can imagine she has many of sqaid friends left.

[anonymous-user]

theboss said:

I just hope the courts see through her (naively optimistic I know).

Unfortunately you have a penis so you have already lost. See plantation quote above. All part of the government approved wealth transfer from men to women.

[HTP99]

otherman said:

Leonard Stanley said:

I’m about to break the golden rule and move out of the house . Atmosphere is toxic, kids are suffering. I’ll rent.

A lot of people do say don't move out, but I've yet to hear a good reason why. I moved out, and it made no difference. Joint assets are still joint assets.
Because most likely your wife will get custody, she'll get the lion's share of those assets, but that's not as a result of where you live.

My colleague was adamant he wouldn't move out until everything was finalised with his wife, he then went to house/dog sit for a week at the house that he was going to move into, he ended up not moving back, I think in the end it was for his and his kids sanity as his wife was being so bloody difficult.