Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[FocusRS3]

kOi12 said:

Nah laughing at the ex if I’m honest. I am better off without a freeloader and she is the one stuck with the kids.

Just saying it is much easier to get rid of an ex if not married and significantly cheaper. I kept my house and everything
.

“Stuck with the kids”???? Surely you miss them ?

And you kept the house “and everything” .

Wouldn’t you make sure they had little upheaval and they had part of your ‘everything ‘ ?

I’m hoping I’m missing something here

[Leonard Stanley]

Any tips on the 'telling the kids' nightmare, chaps?

No need to advise me not to turn up drunk, thanks.

[Frank7]

theboss said:

I met and upset a couple of Aussie girls once. I thought they were all well humoured and able to take a joke but the trout-faced little wretches were an utter misery. Don’t want to stereotype or anything

Promise me that you didn’t ask them if they were
from the South Island or the North Island?

[Frank7]

FocusRS3 said:

kOi12 said:

Nah laughing at the ex if I’m honest. I am better off without a freeloader and she is the one stuck with the kids.

Just saying it is much easier to get rid of an ex if not married and significantly cheaper. I kept my house and everything
.

“Stuck with the kids”???? Surely you miss them ?

And you kept the house “and everything” .

Wouldn’t you make sure they had little upheaval and they had part of your ‘everything ‘ ?

I’m hoping I’m missing something here

I hope that we are both missing something, I can’t
believe that he truly meant “stuck with the kids.”

[Gargamel]

Leonard Stanley said:

Any tips on the 'telling the kids' nightmare, chaps?

No need to advise me not to turn up drunk, thanks.

These are things that are changing.... Mum and Dad have decided that we’d both be happier living apart from each other. These things happen etc

These are things that won’t change... we will both still love you and we are both going to make sure, you are looked after. You will still go to school, etc etc

Not an easy conversation, make sure you let them know they can always ask you and talk to you about it, and even though it is painful now, it is for the best in the future.

Good luck

[theboss]

Frank7 said:

theboss said:

I met and upset a couple of Aussie girls once. I thought they were all well humoured and able to take a joke but the trout-faced little wretches were an utter misery. Don’t want to stereotype or anything

Promise me that you didn’t ask them if they were
from the South Island or the North Island?

They kept taking the piss out of my “quaint” but incorrect English pronunciation of Melbourne. I pointed out that we named the fking place. They got really bizarrely defensive and upset about it.

[Leonard Stanley]

Gargamel said:

Leonard Stanley said:

Any tips on the 'telling the kids' nightmare, chaps?

No need to advise me not to turn up drunk, thanks.

These are things that are changing.... Mum and Dad have decided that we’d both be happier living apart from each other. These things happen etc

These are things that won’t change... we will both still love you and we are both going to make sure, you are looked after. You will still go to school, etc etc

Not an easy conversation, make sure you let them know they can always ask you and talk to you about it, and even though it is painful now, it is for the best in the future.

Good luck

Cheers, logically I'd normally be able to pull the above together but my mind is very foggy at present. I'm expecting a lot of pain. Not the best time of year to be doing this, but out of options.

[wisbech]

Armstrong & Miller ‘divorced dad’ sketches on YouTube a good reminder of how not to do it...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=r_ZhpzJMIl0

Edited by wisbech on Thursday 8th November 08:56

[Frank7]

Leonard Stanley said:

Gargamel said:

Leonard Stanley said:

Any tips on the 'telling the kids' nightmare, chaps?

No need to advise me not to turn up drunk, thanks.

These are things that are changing.... Mum and Dad have decided that we’d both be happier living apart from each other. These things happen etc

These are things that won’t change... we will both still love you and we are both going to make sure, you are looked after. You will still go to school, etc etc

Not an easy conversation, make sure you let them know they can always ask you and talk to you about it, and even though it is painful now, it is for the best in the future.

Good luck

Cheers, logically I'd normally be able to pull the above together but my mind is very foggy at present. I'm expecting a lot of pain. Not the best time of year to be doing this, but out of options.

There’s no “good” time of the year for it Leonard, even after we’d tried to assure them that we loved them, would always love them, and things would just be a little different, but dad would still come by, and take them to the zoo, and the movies etc., both grandmas and grandpas would still be around, and they loved them too, you could see the concern on their faces.
When I went to the door to go back to the flat I’d rented, my younger son, almost 4, clung to my legs, sobbing his heart out, “Don’t go daddy, please.”
Around 47 years later, I still don’t want to think about it, it was all my fault, but the pain is still there.

[GT03ROB]

kOi12 said:

johnwilliams77 said:

Bitter, much?

Nah laughing at the ex if I’m honest. I am better off without a freeloader and she is the one stuck with the kids.

Just saying it is much easier to get rid of an ex if not married and significantly cheaper. I kept my house and everything

P.s I am not bitter, I got away Scot free if I am honest but it does take balls if one wants to go down that route.

Judging by your posts on the other thread regarding problems with the other halfs ex.... I'd say you are a very bitter man who is still in love with his ex & is so angry he got dumped. Your language & bravado of being the big man actually shows you as being anything but.

You are not my wife's ex are you??

[Johnniem]

Frank7 said:

There’s no “good” time of the year for it Leonard, even after we’d tried to assure them that we loved them, would always love them, and things would just be a little different, but dad would still come by, and take them to the zoo, and the movies etc., both grandmas and grandpas would still be around, and they loved them too, you could see the concern on their faces.
When I went to the door to go back to the flat I’d rented, my younger son, almost 4, clung to my legs, sobbing his heart out, “Don’t go daddy, please.”
Around 47 years later, I still don’t want to think about it, it was all my fault, but the pain is still there.

I'm with you Frank. I still can't bear to think about it and although I have been remarried for nearly 16 years there are many times that I wish I could regain those early years of their lives and been there to read a book at bedtime etc. They were such lovely kids and didn't deserve me. Of course they are all well and thriving now (23 years later) but we all lost a lot out of my selfishness. I really don't understand what I could have been thinking!

[Frank7]

Johnniem said:

I'm with you Frank. I still can't bear to think about it and although I have been remarried for nearly 16 years there are many times that I wish I could regain those early years of their lives and been there to read a book at bedtime etc. They were such lovely kids and didn't deserve me. Of course they are all well and thriving now (23 years later) but we all lost a lot out of my selfishness. I really don't understand what I could have been thinking!

I feel you John, even now, after some 35 years with my second wife, I still find myself wishing that I'd never been struck by "un coup de foudre" (bolt of lightning), as my French relatives call love at first sight, when I first laid eyes on a beautiful Polish girl, and couldn't live without her.
I hurt a wonderful wife and mother, and I hurt my two boys as well, although they both came through okay, and have provided me with two grandkids each.
My second wife is not the Polish girl, she wanted kids, not unreasonably so, she was 18 and I was 31, I told her that was out, so after 8 years, so was I.
I told the girl that I'm married to now, that I wasn't in the market for more kids either, and said that I'd hate for it to happen, but if she wanted kids, she'd best walk away, fortunately I lucked in, or lucked out, as the Yanks say, and she's still with me, we married in 1994.
I still break up when I think about my boys as they were though.

[theguvernor15]

Usually, i only ever see the guys point of view in this (i.e. i think it's harsh) that women 'take them for tall they're worth.
However, i have a friend who's husband after almost 10 years of being together (married for 3 of those).
She moved an hour up the road (kept the same job), so was commuting over an hour a day so that he could pursue a career, he earns considerably more than her (at least double, if not triple).
He came home to tell her he'd been having an affair, then proceeded to be downright horrible to her, telling her when he was off to see the other woman, further lies, etc.
They've got a couple of properties, so he's in one, she's in another, however he's told her if he's feeling nice he'll let her keep one of them (they put the same money in deposit wise), apart from being absolutely devastated by losing her husband (& best friend), she's worried about not being able to financially support herself.
I've mentioned that the solicitors generally (i believe) start at 50/50 of a pot, but the husband is telling her otherwise, which i believe is because he's either a) ignorant to the whole process, or b) is trying to scare her into a cheap 'online divorce' as he's very much aware of how much he stands to lose, personally i think it's the former.

[Johnniem]

theguvernor15 said:

Usually, i only ever see the guys point of view in this (i.e. i think it's harsh) that women 'take them for tall they're worth.
However, i have a friend who's husband after almost 10 years of being together (married for 3 of those).
She moved an hour up the road (kept the same job), so was commuting over an hour a day so that he could pursue a career, he earns considerably more than her (at least double, if not triple).
He came home to tell her he'd been having an affair, then proceeded to be downright horrible to her, telling her when he was off to see the other woman, further lies, etc.
They've got a couple of properties, so he's in one, she's in another, however he's told her if he's feeling nice he'll let her keep one of them (they put the same money in deposit wise), apart from being absolutely devastated by losing her husband (& best friend), she's worried about not being able to financially support herself.
I've mentioned that the solicitors generally (i believe) start at 50/50 of a pot, but the husband is telling her otherwise, which i believe is because he's either a) ignorant to the whole process, or b) is trying to scare her into a cheap 'online divorce' as he's very much aware of how much he stands to lose, personally i think it's the former.

I am sure they will start at 50/50 but will consider what she may have given up in terms of her own career (and potential earnings) to enable him to pursue his own career. You don't mention children so I presume there are no offspring or others who rely on their care? One person really only needs one bedroom and since they both have a property then I suspect that situation will stand and there will unlikely to be any major change there. She will probably get maintenance to a degree and that will be measured against what she could earn at this stage in her career and what lifestyle she could have if they had stayed together.

He sounds like a bit of a controlling bully really.

[Leonard Stanley]

Frank7 said:

Johnniem said:

I'm with you Frank. I still can't bear to think about it and although I have been remarried for nearly 16 years there are many times that I wish I could regain those early years of their lives and been there to read a book at bedtime etc. They were such lovely kids and didn't deserve me. Of course they are all well and thriving now (23 years later) but we all lost a lot out of my selfishness. I really don't understand what I could have been thinking!

I feel you John, even now, after some 35 years with my second wife, I still find myself wishing that I'd never been struck by "un coup de foudre" (bolt of lightning), as my French relatives call love at first sight, when I first laid eyes on a beautiful Polish girl, and couldn't live without her.
I hurt a wonderful wife and mother, and I hurt my two boys as well, although they both came through okay, and have provided me with two grandkids each.
My second wife is not the Polish girl, she wanted kids, not unreasonably so, she was 18 and I was 31, I told her that was out, so after 8 years, so was I.
I told the girl that I'm married to now, that I wasn't in the market for more kids either, and said that I'd hate for it to happen, but if she wanted kids, she'd best walk away, fortunately I lucked in, or lucked out, as the Yanks say, and she's still with me, we married in 1994.
I still break up when I think about my boys as they were though.

Frank, John, I feel for you both. It’s a horrible path which we’re about to go down but it’s been a long time coming.

Every point in the process seemingly has a cliche attached to it but we’ve been holding on for the kids for far too long. They’re 10 and 14 which may make it easy in some ways, but tougher in others.

The kids need to see how healthy relationships work and not witness emotional trench warfare.

[Johnniem]

Leonard Stanley said:

Frank, John, I feel for you both. It’s a horrible path which we’re about to go down but it’s been a long time coming.

Every point in the process seemingly has a cliche attached to it but we’ve been holding on for the kids for far too long. They’re 10 and 14 which may make it easy in some ways, but tougher in others.

The kids need to see how healthy relationships work and not witness emotional trench warfare.

I think you have settled it in your head because of 'emotional trench warfare' LS. I had none of that, I was simply walking away from a lovely lady and two lovely children, for another lovely lady (who also came with two children - which made the guilt tenfold!). As I have said, I have now been remarried for almost 16 years (it took around 7 years before I could consider it) and we have had a lovely like together but nothing can get me back the days and events that I missed; the laughter, the tears; the holidays; the road trips etc etc. I am grateful that my ex was/is a truly spectacular person and did not wish to punish me for my errant ways. We both just protected our children as best we could. I implore you to do just that. Forget the wars and arguments and join together in making sure that the kids are well protected and loved. Put them first and all will be well. If you are due to have them for a period of time then have them, don't make other arrangements. Be accommodating of your ex and each others lives. We all have challenges. Also, make sure you always pay her any agreed maintenance on time. I could go on for ever so I apologise for the lecture; it was not meant to be one but I have had much experience.

JM

[theguvernor15]

Johnniem said:

I am sure they will start at 50/50 but will consider what she may have given up in terms of her own career (and potential earnings) to enable him to pursue his own career. You don't mention children so I presume there are no offspring or others who rely on their care? One person really only needs one bedroom and since they both have a property then I suspect that situation will stand and there will unlikely to be any major change there. She will probably get maintenance to a degree and that will be measured against what she could earn at this stage in her career and what lifestyle she could have if they had stayed together.

He sounds like a bit of a controlling bully really.

The houses they own, are both comparable in value & size, the mortgages vary as they've owned one for a few years & bought the second has a do-er upper on the cheap, which now almost complete is worth a fair whack more.
You're correct, no children, since the affair he appears to have gone totally the polar opposite to how he was pre-affair.
The only way i can describe it, is that he didn't get this part of his life out of the way in his teenage years so is doing all of the stuff he would of done then.... now.
I don't even think she wants any of his money (to a degree), she just wants to be able to move on with her life & try & forget about it, she has definitely made career & financial sacrifices to boost his potential earnings & career!

[Alfa numeric]

CastroSays said:

Hasbeen said:

In Australia 2 years of a de facto arrangement gives the woman the same entitlements as a wife.

But who could survive 2 years with an Aussie chick?
They take 'up-tight' and 'entitled' to a whole new level out there.

Been married to one for six years, which is twice as long as I managed with a Brit. She's funny, intelligent, level headed and far better than me in every way.

[Frank7]

Johnniem said:

Leonard Stanley said:

Frank, John, I feel for you both. It’s a horrible path which we’re about to go down but it’s been a long time coming.

Every point in the process seemingly has a cliche attached to it but we’ve been holding on for the kids for far too long. They’re 10 and 14 which may make it easy in some ways, but tougher in others.

The kids need to see how healthy relationships work and not witness emotional trench warfare.

I think you have settled it in your head because of 'emotional trench warfare' LS. I had none of that, I was simply walking away from a lovely lady and two lovely children, for another lovely lady (who also came with two children - which made the guilt tenfold!). As I have said, I have now been remarried for almost 16 years (it took around 7 years before I could consider it) and we have had a lovely like together but nothing can get me back the days and events that I missed; the laughter, the tears; the holidays; the road trips etc etc. I am grateful that my ex was/is a truly spectacular person and did not wish to punish me for my errant ways. We both just protected our children as best we could. I implore you to do just that. Forget the wars and arguments and join together in making sure that the kids are well protected and loved. Put them first and all will be well. If you are due to have them for a period of time then have them, don't make other arrangements. Be accommodating of your ex and each others lives. We all have challenges. Also, make sure you always pay her any agreed maintenance on time. I could go on for ever so I apologise for the lecture; it was not meant to be one but I have had much experience.

JM

JM and LS, I think we three could start an agony Uncle service, I feel that a lot of guys on
here could benefit from our collective wisdom, or collective dumbness, take your pick.

[Johnniem]

Frank7 said:

JM and LS, I think we three could start an agony Uncle service, I feel that a lot of guys on
here could benefit from our collective wisdom, or collective dumbness, take your pick.

Is there a 'Dad'snet? or is that actually just PH?