Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[George Smiley]

Sounds like a threat to me

[theboss]

George Smiley said:

Would you call me a dick to my face? No. So let’s not use the term here.

I’m serious. My daughters suffered from a mum who wanted me to be the devil, the one to be scared of. Simple things such as threats to call your dad when my girl plays up. I can go on but after a few years of counselling and support my daughters now able to finally see through the bullst.

Turn back the clocks, I should have thrown the cheating we out and be done with her. Would have been upsetting for my daughter but better in the long run.

I know a few dads who have custody of their children.

There is a consistent pattern. They have all without exception battled through family court and have had social workers backing them to the hilt due to either serious abuse/neglect or professionally documented mental health problems with the children’s mothers.

It’s great to say with hindsight “I should have just kept the kids and turfed her out” but unless the mother has absolutely no interest in her children (financially or emotionally) and is wilfully walking out of the door to start a new life without them, it’s a little easier said than done.

[George Smiley]

In hindsight?

Hindsight? This isn’t a reflection on what I wish I had done. It’s a reflection on what I should have done based precisely on the subsequent experience of what my daughter went through.

[singlecoil]

I think his main point that 'throwing one's estranged wife out and keeping the children' is not a legal option, in this country anyway.

[MB140]

George Smiley said:

In hindsight?

Hindsight? This isn’t a reflection on what I wish I had done. It’s a reflection on what I should have done based precisely on the subsequent experience of what my daughter went through.

Yeah right. I know how that would have ended. She would have rang the police, they would have come round. In the process of throwing her out you would have had to physically man handle her to get her out and left marks on her.

Que her sobbing to the police about assault and you getting locked up and restraining orders in place along with supervision orders to see your own kids.

You sir are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think any other outcome was going to happen. (Subject of course to your wife/partner wanting to fk you over financially for the next 10-15 years and be willing/wanting to look after the child). It’s simply not your choice. The UK legal system is so biased to women in this situation.

[Greenmantle]

theboss said:

I know a few dads who have custody of their children.

There is a consistent pattern. They have all without exception battled through family court and have had social workers backing them to the hilt due to either serious abuse/neglect or professionally documented mental health problems with the children’s mothers.

It’s great to say with hindsight “I should have just kept the kids and turfed her out” but unless the mother has absolutely no interest in her children (financially or emotionally) and is wilfully walking out of the door to start a new life without them, it’s a little easier said than done.

I have full sole custody of my children. Initially it was me against ex in private law. Then it was me against ex and against Council in public law. The whole system is biased against the man. Everyone else was female. The fight continued for over two years until the Council realised they were wasting their time supporting the mother. So yes it does happen but its bks.

[Adam B]

Greenmantle said:

The fight continued for over two years until the Council realised they were wasting their time supporting the mother.

how did the penny drop?

[Greenmantle]

Adam B said:

how did the penny drop?

The female CRAZY got so intense that it was impossible to ignore. At no time during the two years did they test my ex for alcohol dependency or some sort of bi-polar. You as an individual cannot tell them anything. They just won't believe it. Even though you might be an intelligent rational person who has lived for many months through the bad times. Only experts employed by them can do that and there is the rub. They don't want to spend the money. Instead they waste time bullying you cause you are a man who stands up for himself.

Small anecdote :- Local authority instructed me to allow the ex to have private telephone conversations with the kids. I couldn't listen in. But one of the issues with the ex was her manipulation of the kids when talking with them. Go figure!

I could could spout many tales about the stupidity from SS, CAFCASS and CAHMS.

[theboss]

Greenmantle said:

The female CRAZY got so intense that it was impossible to ignore. At no time during the two years did they test my ex for alcohol dependency or some sort of bi-polar. You as an individual cannot tell them anything. They just won't believe it. Even though you might be an intelligent rational person who has lived for many months through the bad times. Only experts employed by them can do that and there is the rub. They don't want to spend the money. Instead they waste time bullying you cause you are a man who stands up for himself.

Small anecdote :- Local authority instructed me to allow the ex to have private telephone conversations with the kids. I couldn't listen in. But one of the issues with the ex was her manipulation of the kids when talking with them. Go figure!

I could could spout many tales about the stupidity from SS, CAFCASS and CAHMS.

So yet another case which is consistent with the anecdotal examples I referred to... basically having the backing of the court / CAFCASS / Children’s Services / School’s etc. because the mother was so evidently dysfunctional they couldn’t actually ignore it.

[funkyrobot]

A new development has occurred in my awful marriage which is concerning me. My wife is trying her upmost to get out of paying her part of our mortgage.

We both work part-time minimum wage jobs around our daughter (I used to be full time, but circumstances meant I dropped into a part time role earlier in the years). This means we both have to contribute to pay our monthly bills. As of late, my wife is getting increasingly irate about paying this. She is also conveniently 'forgetting' about paying her half. This is despite me funding our house alone for the last four years, but that's another story.

I have just been on the receiving end of full-on mental behaviour because I told her we need her half of the money in the account today. When I told her, I was hit with a load of abuse including the line 'you are just after all of my money'. She stormed out of the house, got into her car and drove like an absolute out of the driveway and down the road.

Absolutely incredible behaviour and something that is quite annoying.

We have just been away for most of the week. A treat for our daughter before she goes back to school. I have funded this, despite not having a great deal of money. It looks like I'm going to have to dip into my small pot of savings to pay the full lot of bills etc this month as she is being an absolutely awful person about this. On a side note, my savings are slowly being eroded, despite her saying I'm after all of her money.

Also, she seems to be enjoying trying to wind me up. It's a if she is trying to annoy me, then when I question what she is going I'm hit with a load of gloating and comments like 'look at you, you are so easy to wind up, ha ha.' Don't get it at all.

She said yesterday she can't wait for us to split up. This was in-front of our daughter as we were leaving the hotel. She was also talking to our daughter the other day about mummy and daddy not living together, despite us agreeing not to do this in her presence.

I must admit that I do feel quite upset today. It seems that no matter what I do to keep things civil, I am constantly being battered and she is constantly trying to break me and make me do or say something horrible. I feel really, really down today.

One final note. I managed to find a full time job last week. I discussed taking it with my wife. She went absolutely ballistic at me. I have subsequently not taken it, so that's a bit of a pain.

I haven't yet told my parents what is happening. However, this weekend will see a lot of family time as there are some birthdays going on. It means my whole immediate family are due to visit tomorrow. I've already had comments about that. But I'm also expected to go and stay with her family tomorrow. Something which is making me increasingly uncomfortable due to the situation and due to other comments my wife has made about me and her family.

fking hell. I'm really stuck in a st tip at the moment.

Edit to add - it's got to me today. It's really upset me (not in an angry sense, just sad). It seems that no matter what I do, I'm wrong. Yes, this is only one side of the story, but I'm not a horrible person and I've only ever had the interests of my daughter and my wife at heart. I can't believe the person I have been with for nearly two decades is acting like this. I keep asking what I have done wrong and the answers are things that are not wrong in any sense. She just seems to hate me and hate who I am. fking hell.

fk, fk, fk!

Edited by funkyrobot on Friday 30th August 11:41

[Gargamel]

FR - you have over a number of years, and because you are a nice guy, become conditioned to making your wife happy. That’s part of being married, it matters to you what your partner thinks.

This is now no longer true, take some time to allow that to sink in.

You are going to fight, you no longer share the same goals in life, and your eyes are now opened to the fact that actually you may not have had the same personal values AT ALL.


When I read your post I get this

1. We are in financial trouble
2. My Ex and I agreed things and she is now breaking those agreements
3. I turned down a new job to keep her happy.

You need to get together and have a calm and rational discussion about the money, and quickly.

[hurstg01]

Reading through this from the start, you'll have days like this, by all accounts.

Chin up [easier said than done], and keep smiling; keep [as best as you can] the feelings towards your wife out of sight and sound of your daughter

[trackdemon]

I'm struggling with the logic of a woman objecting to you taking a (presumably better paid) fulltime job, but at the same time expecting you to pay for everything. What chance you could go back and ask if the job is still available, as you've had a change of circumstances?

[funkyrobot]

Gargamel said:

FR - you have over a number of years, and because you are a nice guy, become conditioned to making your wife happy. That’s part of being married, it matters to you what your partner thinks.

This is now no longer true, take some time to allow that to sink in.

You are going to fight, you no longer share the same goals in life, and your eyes are now opened to the fact that actually you may not have had the same personal values AT ALL.


When I read your post I get this

1. We are in financial trouble
2. My Ex and I agreed things and she is now breaking those agreements
3. I turned down a new job to keep her happy.

You need to get together and have a calm and rational discussion about the money, and quickly.

You are correct. I have foolishly been trying to make her happy, despite being treated like a piece of discarded toilet paper.

In relation to you other points:

1. I am ok for now, but I'm not letting the erosion of my savings continue. My wife is also sat on a pot of money that could pay 2/3 of our mortgage off. She isn't in any financial difficulty.

2. This is happening all of the time, but she isn't yet my ex. We are still married.

3. I turned it down because I was told that if I didn't, it would fk up my daughter's child care. Basically, my wife said if I take the job I need to sort out child care even though she only works part time herself.

I have tried to talk to her multiple times. I tried to talk today and look what happened. For the record, I try to talk to her in a calm and easy manner. I never blame her for anything and never raise my voice.

[Gargamel]

Sambucket said:

From what I read here, she is likely to get close to 100% of the house, at least until the kids leave school, and you will still need to pay the mortgage. So every penny she pays into the mortgage, is one penny less she will claw from you in any settlement?

I'm not experienced, just from what I gather is common.

It depends on lots of factors, so its simply incorrect to say she will get 100% of the house.

Additionally it could be that FR could have 50% access to his Daughter. They both work, she isn’t financially dependent.

I think we should be careful, the collective wisdom of divorce proceedings often refer to tradition marriages, where the Wife has not worked for many years of the marriage and has focused on child raising. These are very different to how family courts see things for those where both partners work and child care is going 50 50

[MB140]

Funky, I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but this is just the start. It will only get worse I’m so sorry to have to tell you.

Soon she will have her divorced man hating friends in her ear and her own parents doing the same (assuming she hasn’t told them yet.

Whatever you do stay calm. Don’t react, don’t antagonise her. Whenever you feel a rage building up think of your daughters well being (it will be difficult). Now record everything video/voice if you can. Take notes of everything, times/dates/what happened/who was present. It will come in handy later.

I feel for you I really do. Good luck I hope this goes as painless as possible for you.

[funkyrobot]

trackdemon said:

I'm struggling with the logic of a woman objecting to you taking a (presumably better paid) fulltime job, but at the same time expecting you to pay for everything. What chance you could go back and ask if the job is still available, as you've had a change of circumstances?

I'm stuck. She said if I take it on she will not be responsible for child care.

She works bank hours, so can pick and choose her shifts. She only has a contract for 8 fixed hours a week and that means one weekend in two. I currently do more than that, and this job would have been ok as I would know what I'm doing a week or so in advance and she could work around that absolutely fine. She said she wasn't willing to do it though and if I took the job on, I was responsible for child care. She said I'm not allowed to interfere with her work hours (even though she is only taking things as they are offered and they could tell her no work this week).

Edited by funkyrobot on Friday 30th August 12:07

[funkyrobot]

MB140 said:

Funky, I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but this is just the start. It will only get worse I’m so sorry to have to tell you.

Soon she will have her divorced man hating friends in her ear and her own parents doing the same (assuming she hasn’t told them yet.

Whatever you do stay calm. Don’t react, don’t antagonise her. Whenever you feel a rage building up think of your daughters well being (it will be difficult). Now record everything video/voice if you can. Take notes of everything, times/dates/what happened/who was present. It will come in handy later.

I feel for you I really do. Good luck I hope this goes as painless as possible for you.

Thanks.

One useful thing about this thread (apart from the advice) is I know everything I have contributed is date stamped. Interesting to read back over things.

[anonymous-user]

I think you need to do a couple of things
Firstly don't bother going with her to her parents have some time for yourself
Second don't consult her about job applications

She seems to use you and you seem to have become being used to being used.
Sorry to say it

[funkyrobot]

techiedave said:

I think you need to do a couple of things
Firstly don't bother going with her to her parents have some time for yourself
Second don't consult her about job applications

She seems to use you and you seem to have become being used to being used.
Sorry to say it

It's true. I have been used.

She's using me now because she has stormed off out of the house somewhere. I have no idea where she has gone and when she will be back. She hasn't taken our daughter though.

I'm not going to her family's house this weekend. That will go down like a lead balloon, but I'm not doing it. It'll give me a day on my own as she will take our daughter. If she didn't take our daughter, I'd have a trip out with her somewhere for the day.

I do have to consult her about jobs at the moment due to childcare. We are doing things 50/50.