Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
theboss said:
I guess my mate should count himself lucky then.
He just got a child arrangements order granted in his favour stating his child will live with him after the mother relocated with the child to the other end of the country with no prior consultation. CAFCASS officer was extremely critical of the mother's actions. She tried to up-end the child's life and move them away from the other parent and now she only gets to see them in school holidays.
It doesn't always go in the mother's favour.
Guy I know is going through exactly this, worse, her new partner is on coke as well. He just got a child arrangements order granted in his favour stating his child will live with him after the mother relocated with the child to the other end of the country with no prior consultation. CAFCASS officer was extremely critical of the mother's actions. She tried to up-end the child's life and move them away from the other parent and now she only gets to see them in school holidays.
It doesn't always go in the mother's favour.
I can only imagine how that would make me feel.
Tyre Smoke said:
FNG said:
Very often friends come and friends go because she wants it that way.
It's a very common thing for a bloke to find that for one reason and another he's got no mates left, doesn't do any of the things he used to because responsibilities, doesn't go to the pub. Even doesn't see his own parents because the mrs doesn't get on with them.
Makes him the perfect dad, all he has to occupy his time and thoughts is work, the house, the kids, the wife.
Doesn't happen by chance. But being aware of it can mean it doesn't happen to you, if you see it happening early enough and make sure it doesn't happen.
I don't have any advise about how to put the toothpaste back in the tube if it's already happened to you, though, because it's happened to me and I'm at a loss how to improve it.
That isn't a marriage or partnership. What you are describing is a spoilt controlling female. If a man behaved like that towards his wife there would be outrage.It's a very common thing for a bloke to find that for one reason and another he's got no mates left, doesn't do any of the things he used to because responsibilities, doesn't go to the pub. Even doesn't see his own parents because the mrs doesn't get on with them.
Makes him the perfect dad, all he has to occupy his time and thoughts is work, the house, the kids, the wife.
Doesn't happen by chance. But being aware of it can mean it doesn't happen to you, if you see it happening early enough and make sure it doesn't happen.
I don't have any advise about how to put the toothpaste back in the tube if it's already happened to you, though, because it's happened to me and I'm at a loss how to improve it.
Any woman who tries to tell a partner or husband what he can and can't do, providing he is giving 100% to the realtionship, is just wrong. It works both ways. Too often women think they can mould a man into their perfect partner, stop him seeing his mates, stop him playing golf, etc. But if a man tells a woman she can't go to coffee with her pals, shopping with her best mate, pilates, or the gym...
Having kids and being married shouldn't mean that both still cant enjoy a bit of life.
In marriage you need space too. If that cant happen due to trust issues then you may as well call it a day on the relationship. Staying together because of your kids DOES NOT WORK. Kids can feel the tension within a household, it's very unhealthy for them to feel it too.
320d is all you need said:
Wow. Shocking to read so many cases of abuse here.
Being told how or when to kiss or hug your kid is not OK. Ever.
Do not tolerate this abusive behavior. Gaslighting and narcissistic personality behavior are not excusable constantly.
If you can't work on it, and if the other person doesn't make significant attempts to change, leave.
Having a child and splitting up is no problem, and for your own mental well being and the well being of your child will benefit.
Again, 100% correct.Being told how or when to kiss or hug your kid is not OK. Ever.
Do not tolerate this abusive behavior. Gaslighting and narcissistic personality behavior are not excusable constantly.
If you can't work on it, and if the other person doesn't make significant attempts to change, leave.
Having a child and splitting up is no problem, and for your own mental well being and the well being of your child will benefit.
320d is all you need said:
Wow. Shocking to read so many cases of abuse here.
Being told how or when to kiss or hug your kid is not OK. Ever.
Do not tolerate this abusive behavior. Gaslighting and narcissistic personality behavior are not excusable constantly.
If you can't work on it, and if the other person doesn't make significant attempts to change, leave.
Having a child and splitting up is no problem, and for your own mental well being and the well being of your child will benefit.
Spot on. Being told how or when to kiss or hug your kid is not OK. Ever.
Do not tolerate this abusive behavior. Gaslighting and narcissistic personality behavior are not excusable constantly.
If you can't work on it, and if the other person doesn't make significant attempts to change, leave.
Having a child and splitting up is no problem, and for your own mental well being and the well being of your child will benefit.
People need to stop making excuses for the abusers. The abuse documented here by posters is unacceptable.
If it takes an outside view to realise that these behaviours are not normal - which it often does - then I hope this is it.
I went through a very similar situation to these over a decade ago. I could write pages.
Short story, my ex-wife became increasingly controlling, angry and distant after our first child. Unexpected second child arrives. She's even worse.
I couldn't have done more, but still caught all the flak. Everything was my fault, and my needs and feelings didn't matter.
She asked me to move out, less than a year after buying a new home. I moved out.
She then asked me to come back 5 days later.
By then I'd realised that I didn't want to live like that. Told her I'd only come back when she'd sorted herself out.
She started going out with her friends drinking far too much, and I ended up looking after two young boys more nights than her.
She never did sort herself out and I divorced her 3 years later.
I ended up keeping the matrimonial home and full custody of my two sons.
My only regret is not leaving as quickly as I could have. I know I only stuck it out for my sons, but growing up in a house with that kind of conflict isn't great.
I won't pretend that it's not a painful process to go through that kind of separation, you'll have days and weeks that really suck. But the sense of relief and peace as soon as I moved out was incredible. My only concern at that point was my two sons.
More than a decade later, my ex-wife still behaves in the same pattern. Tries to use anger and nastiness to get her way, and always picks at any little thing she thinks she can criticise. It would be nice to think that people sort themselves out or fix things, many never do. It would have been easy to think my ex had PND, and maybe that had an effect. But I don't think it's the whole story. I think it is likely that she learnt toxic behaviours from her own mother, and is profoundly selfish. And she has no ability to cope with any challenge in her life, or to cope with not being the center of everyone's focus and attention. Amazingly she managed to show no signs of this prior to getting married. I won't be getting married again.
If I had to give advice to someone in this situation, it would be to look after yourself first.
If you need to move out permanently or temporarily to get some perspective, then do it.
Don't expect things to improve by being a doormat. It won't work. That's just an invitation to continue the s
tty treatment you're already getting.
Short story, my ex-wife became increasingly controlling, angry and distant after our first child. Unexpected second child arrives. She's even worse.
I couldn't have done more, but still caught all the flak. Everything was my fault, and my needs and feelings didn't matter.
She asked me to move out, less than a year after buying a new home. I moved out.
She then asked me to come back 5 days later.
By then I'd realised that I didn't want to live like that. Told her I'd only come back when she'd sorted herself out.
She started going out with her friends drinking far too much, and I ended up looking after two young boys more nights than her.
She never did sort herself out and I divorced her 3 years later.
I ended up keeping the matrimonial home and full custody of my two sons.
My only regret is not leaving as quickly as I could have. I know I only stuck it out for my sons, but growing up in a house with that kind of conflict isn't great.
I won't pretend that it's not a painful process to go through that kind of separation, you'll have days and weeks that really suck. But the sense of relief and peace as soon as I moved out was incredible. My only concern at that point was my two sons.
More than a decade later, my ex-wife still behaves in the same pattern. Tries to use anger and nastiness to get her way, and always picks at any little thing she thinks she can criticise. It would be nice to think that people sort themselves out or fix things, many never do. It would have been easy to think my ex had PND, and maybe that had an effect. But I don't think it's the whole story. I think it is likely that she learnt toxic behaviours from her own mother, and is profoundly selfish. And she has no ability to cope with any challenge in her life, or to cope with not being the center of everyone's focus and attention. Amazingly she managed to show no signs of this prior to getting married. I won't be getting married again.
If I had to give advice to someone in this situation, it would be to look after yourself first.
If you need to move out permanently or temporarily to get some perspective, then do it.
Don't expect things to improve by being a doormat. It won't work. That's just an invitation to continue the s
tty treatment you're already getting.number2 said:
320d is all you need said:
Wow. Shocking to read so many cases of abuse here.
Being told how or when to kiss or hug your kid is not OK. Ever.
Do not tolerate this abusive behavior. Gaslighting and narcissistic personality behavior are not excusable constantly.
If you can't work on it, and if the other person doesn't make significant attempts to change, leave.
Having a child and splitting up is no problem, and for your own mental well being and the well being of your child will benefit.
Spot on. Being told how or when to kiss or hug your kid is not OK. Ever.
Do not tolerate this abusive behavior. Gaslighting and narcissistic personality behavior are not excusable constantly.
If you can't work on it, and if the other person doesn't make significant attempts to change, leave.
Having a child and splitting up is no problem, and for your own mental well being and the well being of your child will benefit.
People need to stop making excuses for the abusers. The abuse documented here by posters is unacceptable.
If it takes an outside view to realise that these behaviours are not normal - which it often does - then I hope this is it.
When I was in that situation, my self esteem was low, I was permanently tired and defensive. Just not in a mindset to be able to figure things out clearly.
number2 said:
320d is all you need said:
Wow. Shocking to read so many cases of abuse here.
Being told how or when to kiss or hug your kid is not OK. Ever.
Do not tolerate this abusive behavior. Gaslighting and narcissistic personality behavior are not excusable constantly.
If you can't work on it, and if the other person doesn't make significant attempts to change, leave.
Having a child and splitting up is no problem, and for your own mental well being and the well being of your child will benefit.
Spot on. Being told how or when to kiss or hug your kid is not OK. Ever.
Do not tolerate this abusive behavior. Gaslighting and narcissistic personality behavior are not excusable constantly.
If you can't work on it, and if the other person doesn't make significant attempts to change, leave.
Having a child and splitting up is no problem, and for your own mental well being and the well being of your child will benefit.
People need to stop making excuses for the abusers. The abuse documented here by posters is unacceptable.
If it takes an outside view to realise that these behaviours are not normal - which it often does - then I hope this is it.
It's absolutely correct that the other party needs to, at some point, recognise that you aren't happy and be part of the effort to change the situation.
It boils down to whether you believe you partner has changed permanently into someone who isn't compatible with you and is persecuting you as a result, or if they are in an emotional hole that they'll eventually come out of to return as someone you love.
Defining between the two can be hard. There's plenty of chaps who use the rational of "deep down there is the woman I loved and still want to love" but she has to want to be that person again.
This is a good thread with interesting subjects and perspectives being shared.
From my experience the best relationships are ones where you can be your real self, you are loved for who and what you are without conditions. EG, there is nothing you need to do to earn affection or love, no task, no hurdle, you don't need that job, this car or that status - you are loved for who you are. This is usually seen between a parent and child.
However it is ultimately what we should be seeking from our partners too.
Being in a relationship where there are conditions laid down, repeatedly that you must follow in order to maintain affection is tiring. You might put up with it for a year, or five years, or for ever - many men consider it a price worth paying for their own reasons.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization
I came across the concept of self actualization through the work of Maslow, and I find it fascinating. The idea of contentment/perfection or a fully realised potential - in yourself ! who wouldn't want that.
Its instructive to view your relationships with people on the basis of the question - am I more or less likely to self actualise with this person ?
Anyway - it gave me a perspective, so I am sharing it here.
The other thing I'd like to add is more difficult. Probably not a universal truth - but again part of my experience.
My ex wife did like to moan about me to her friends, they ALL liked to moan about their partners, drinking, late nights, golf, long hours, travel - whatever.
Some of that carries over into them compaling directly at you, and it builds. The more you comply the more they put on you and the more you comply with that ... secretly it builds resentment. No woman loves a man she can't respect at some level.
The right amount of independence done in the right way is a good thing.
Make a big romantic gesture, show her you care, break the lockdown cycle and have some fun together - see what happens !
Gargamel said:
Make a big romantic gesture, show her you care, break the lockdown cycle and have some fun together - see what happens !
With the crap many have been through on here that's the last thing I think they would want to do.Just sometimes many need to call it day and should work out a fair split of worth. But that the messy part and many know this and the expense of it, which in turn, again, makes them put up with each other, for years.
Its a waste of a life
throt said:
With the crap many have been through on here that's the last thing I think they would want to do.
True, its counter intuitive and may cause all kinds of reactions but... 1. at least you tried and you can go out with your head up.
2. You might at least break the cycle of dreary days with no let up
3. If doing a crazy romantic fun thing starts a fight then its all the proof you need that its dead between you
3. Blowing 500 quid on a meal/night out/picnic and camp out in the the garden with roses or whatever, is f
k of a lot cheaper than a divorce ! throt said:
With the crap many have been through on here that's the last thing I think they would want to do.
But maybe it's what they need to do. Twofold reasons:
1. It might work. Speculate some affection and spontaneity to get something back. If it fails, nothing lost.
2. Your partner may respect you more for making an effort and pro-actively doing something, rather than just taking the flak every day.
For some, exit of the relationship will be inevitable. However, in something as important as a marriage, particularly with children involved, all avenues have to be exhausted.
Gargamel said:
throt said:
With the crap many have been through on here that's the last thing I think they would want to do.
True, its counter intuitive and may cause all kinds of reactions but... 1. at least you tried and you can go out with your head up.
2. You might at least break the cycle of dreary days with no let up
3. If doing a crazy romantic fun thing starts a fight then its all the proof you need that its dead between you
3. Blowing 500 quid on a meal/night out/picnic and camp out in the the garden with roses or whatever, is f
k of a lot cheaper than a divorce ! t Muzzer79 said:
But maybe it's what they need to do.
Twofold reasons:
1. It might work. Speculate some affection and spontaneity to get something back. If it fails, nothing lost.
2. Your partner may respect you more for making an effort and pro-actively doing something, rather than just taking the flak every day.
For some, exit of the relationship will be inevitable. However, in something as important as a marriage, particularly with children involved, all avenues have to be exhausted.
This last point us so true. It is far better for long term peace of mind and closure to be able to say to yourself that you tried everything you could think of to save the marriage than to know in your heart of hearts that you could have done moreTwofold reasons:
1. It might work. Speculate some affection and spontaneity to get something back. If it fails, nothing lost.
2. Your partner may respect you more for making an effort and pro-actively doing something, rather than just taking the flak every day.
For some, exit of the relationship will be inevitable. However, in something as important as a marriage, particularly with children involved, all avenues have to be exhausted.
CharlesdeGaulle said:
Was it Taylor James that was incredibly vocal about abuse here a few weeks back? Made all sorts of unfounded allegations when a poster said he'd raised his voice in arguments with his wife? He's been uncharacteristically silent now we've got some proper abuse against men.
Yep, but a few month back, nearly, surelyCharlesdeGaulle said:
Was it Taylor James that was incredibly vocal about abuse here a few weeks back? Made all sorts of unfounded allegations when a poster said he'd raised his voice in arguments with his wife? He's been uncharacteristically silent now we've got some proper abuse against men.
Are you looking to vilify him further?Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff