Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
pb8g09 said:
I’ve had it where I came home and the ex had removed every single item of furniture and possession from the house except my clothes. She left a mirror with some lipstick quotations off one of her trash telly programmes, to then come back the next day whilst I was at work to take the mirror too. In the end I had to phone the police to get my laptop back. They incidentally weren’t helpful either.
Get her out dude.
Happened to a lad I knew many years ago. He came home from work to see the van leaving at the other end of the street.Get her out dude.
menousername said:
Don't mean to trivialise but wouldn't the ex clearing off and clearing out all the furniture at same time be a good thing??
Saves you hiring a skip, and probably the first time in years you were able to choose what you want / like in the house
Yeah that was what I told myself at the time, but having no fridge freezer or washing machine in the middleSaves you hiring a skip, and probably the first time in years you were able to choose what you want / like in the house
of a working week wasn’t ideal. And then finding the £k to replace it all at the time. I chuckle about it now mind you.
GreatGranny said:
This will be ignored by Joey and he'll continue with the usual 'it's always the woman's fault, they'll all snakes etc' rhetoric!
Considering she was sending nude and lingerie photos of herself taken in their bedroom to her ex boyfriend and having sex with him, I would say it was the woman's fault?The tone of this thread seems to always be "she made a mistake", "give her another chance", "go to couples therapy", "you ignored her", "you were working too hard" or some other justification for cheating on the OP.
Even the OP is starting to consider taking her back despite the evidence he found on his phone and admits he is too "nice"
My advice is clearly unwanted by many on this thread so I have decided to not post on here anymore. For all those posters who blame themselves for their partner cheating on them with another man and decide to give them another chance I wish you good luck.
Joey Deacon said:
My advice is clearly unwanted by many on this thread so I have decided to not post on here anymore. For all those posters who blame themselves for their partner cheating on them with another man and decide to give them another chance I wish you good luck.
I don't think it is clearly unwanted by many mate. Just the odd one or two.This is a public forum and you should continue to contribute however you see fit and appropriate.
Your opinions are no less valid than those of others on this forum and I'm sure some will find them helpful, useful or even just relate to which can bring comfort.
Gargamel said:
This thread would greatly benefit from refraining from personal attacks on posters. We all have our individual experiences, sometimes we aren’t really writing advice we are merely re-polishing and refining our own stories and each time editing them a little to make them more acceptable to ourselves.
I understand that this repeated narrative might be irritating to some, but can we please not attack each other. Some people are more willing to forgive, to be accepting and others are much more hostile to people they once trusted and hurt them.
Bitterness and outbursts of misogyny aren’t usually helpful to others reading them, but it should be unwritten here, that this is a good place to vent those feelings and have them at least a little understood by others. That doesn’t mean endorsed or accepted with a nod, but it should mean those reading see them in the context of the experiences of those posting.
Understanding and not judgement.
Well said.I understand that this repeated narrative might be irritating to some, but can we please not attack each other. Some people are more willing to forgive, to be accepting and others are much more hostile to people they once trusted and hurt them.
Bitterness and outbursts of misogyny aren’t usually helpful to others reading them, but it should be unwritten here, that this is a good place to vent those feelings and have them at least a little understood by others. That doesn’t mean endorsed or accepted with a nod, but it should mean those reading see them in the context of the experiences of those posting.
Understanding and not judgement.
Joey Deacon said:
GreatGranny said:
This will be ignored by Joey and he'll continue with the usual 'it's always the woman's fault, they'll all snakes etc' rhetoric!
Considering she was sending nude and lingerie photos of herself taken in their bedroom to her ex boyfriend and having sex with him, I would say it was the woman's fault?The tone of this thread seems to always be "she made a mistake", "give her another chance", "go to couples therapy", "you ignored her", "you were working too hard" or some other justification for cheating on the OP.
Even the OP is starting to consider taking her back despite the evidence he found on his phone and admits he is too "nice"
My advice is clearly unwanted by many on this thread so I have decided to not post on here anymore. For all those posters who blame themselves for their partner cheating on them with another man and decide to give them another chance I wish you good luck.
Part of the problem in this thread might be that the break ups tend to be similar in nature and those of us who have been on the end of it know what's coming. For example - there's never someone else at the beginning and a few days or weeks later we get the evidence there is. I obviously generalise.
You're brutally honest when you post about those scenarios but that isn't wrong. I expect that if the circumstances of a break up were different, your tone would also be different but unfortunately people don't tend to post on here before their problem has become very serious and things have followed a familiar pattern. Keep posting.
Unreal said:
Just ignore the attacks. Much of the white knighting is from people with no experience of this kind of painful break up. Some of the views are similar to those on the OLD thread. Over there you read posts from people that simply cannot accept some of the sexual behaviours that are commonplace for some, especially women.
Part of the problem in this thread might be that the break ups tend to be similar in nature and those of us who have been on the end of it know what's coming.
If you read the thread from the start, and combine it with what you know personally for people you know, some remarkably similar patterns of behaviour emerge. Part of the problem in this thread might be that the break ups tend to be similar in nature and those of us who have been on the end of it know what's coming.
Unreal said:
Joey Deacon said:
GreatGranny said:
This will be ignored by Joey and he'll continue with the usual 'it's always the woman's fault, they'll all snakes etc' rhetoric!
Considering she was sending nude and lingerie photos of herself taken in their bedroom to her ex boyfriend and having sex with him, I would say it was the woman's fault?The tone of this thread seems to always be "she made a mistake", "give her another chance", "go to couples therapy", "you ignored her", "you were working too hard" or some other justification for cheating on the OP.
Even the OP is starting to consider taking her back despite the evidence he found on his phone and admits he is too "nice"
My advice is clearly unwanted by many on this thread so I have decided to not post on here anymore. For all those posters who blame themselves for their partner cheating on them with another man and decide to give them another chance I wish you good luck.
Part of the problem in this thread might be that the break ups tend to be similar in nature and those of us who have been on the end of it know what's coming. For example - there's never someone else at the beginning and a few days or weeks later we get the evidence there is. I obviously generalise.
You're brutally honest when you post about those scenarios but that isn't wrong. I expect that if the circumstances of a break up were different, your tone would also be different but unfortunately people don't tend to post on here before their problem has become very serious and things have followed a familiar pattern. Keep posting.
Unreal said:
Joey Deacon said:
GreatGranny said:
This will be ignored by Joey and he'll continue with the usual 'it's always the woman's fault, they'll all snakes etc' rhetoric!
Considering she was sending nude and lingerie photos of herself taken in their bedroom to her ex boyfriend and having sex with him, I would say it was the woman's fault?The tone of this thread seems to always be "she made a mistake", "give her another chance", "go to couples therapy", "you ignored her", "you were working too hard" or some other justification for cheating on the OP.
Even the OP is starting to consider taking her back despite the evidence he found on his phone and admits he is too "nice"
My advice is clearly unwanted by many on this thread so I have decided to not post on here anymore. For all those posters who blame themselves for their partner cheating on them with another man and decide to give them another chance I wish you good luck.
Part of the problem in this thread might be that the break ups tend to be similar in nature and those of us who have been on the end of it know what's coming. For example - there's never someone else at the beginning and a few days or weeks later we get the evidence there is. I obviously generalise.
You're brutally honest when you post about those scenarios but that isn't wrong. I expect that if the circumstances of a break up were different, your tone would also be different but unfortunately people don't tend to post on here before their problem has become very serious and things have followed a familiar pattern. Keep posting.
In essence, just because Joey’s opinion is different to some, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the right to express or it shouldn’t be heard.
Bit of a sidebar but interesting note: my observations are Joey will express his opinion and argue his point, don’t think I’ve seen him attack other’s views or single people out with the aim of ridiculing them. Do I agree with it all? Nope. Is it interesting to hear a perspective I’ve not considered or have experience of? Yup. Whereas those with a more liberal view post as much trying to shut down and cancel an opposition view ad hominem vs actually having anything useful to add to the convo.
Discussion is richer with a wider range or experiences and opinions, we can all learn more. Let’s play the ball, not the man imo.
Joey Deacon said:
GreatGranny said:
This will be ignored by Joey and he'll continue with the usual 'it's always the woman's fault, they'll all snakes etc' rhetoric!
Considering she was sending nude and lingerie photos of herself taken in their bedroom to her ex boyfriend and having sex with him, I would say it was the woman's fault?The tone of this thread seems to always be "she made a mistake", "give her another chance", "go to couples therapy", "you ignored her", "you were working too hard" or some other justification for cheating on the OP.
Even the OP is starting to consider taking her back despite the evidence he found on his phone and admits he is too "nice"
My advice is clearly unwanted by many on this thread so I have decided to not post on here anymore. For all those posters who blame themselves for their partner cheating on them with another man and decide to give them another chance I wish you good luck.
Lincsls1 said:
Gargamel said:
This thread would greatly benefit from refraining from personal attacks on posters. We all have our individual experiences, sometimes we aren’t really writing advice we are merely re-polishing and refining our own stories and each time editing them a little to make them more acceptable to ourselves.
I understand that this repeated narrative might be irritating to some, but can we please not attack each other. Some people are more willing to forgive, to be accepting and others are much more hostile to people they once trusted and hurt them.
Bitterness and outbursts of misogyny aren’t usually helpful to others reading them, but it should be unwritten here, that this is a good place to vent those feelings and have them at least a little understood by others. That doesn’t mean endorsed or accepted with a nod, but it should mean those reading see them in the context of the experiences of those posting.
Understanding and not judgement.
Well said.I understand that this repeated narrative might be irritating to some, but can we please not attack each other. Some people are more willing to forgive, to be accepting and others are much more hostile to people they once trusted and hurt them.
Bitterness and outbursts of misogyny aren’t usually helpful to others reading them, but it should be unwritten here, that this is a good place to vent those feelings and have them at least a little understood by others. That doesn’t mean endorsed or accepted with a nod, but it should mean those reading see them in the context of the experiences of those posting.
Understanding and not judgement.
You might not agree with some of the things posted, Christ knows I don't, but they're more often than not the result of the kind of breakups we see documented monthly on this thread. Different people have different ways of coping.
Darkslider said:
I've said a few times but I'll re-iterate here, I'm not taking her back. I wish I could but I just can't, I'll never be able to trust her (or possibly anyone else) again after this. I've been suffering from quite extreme paranoia the last few days and I think I'm going to need some professional help to overcome this trauma.
I think that you are wise to consider the value of outside, professional help - too many struggle on for too long and allow their unresolved issues to jaundice the rest of their lives.As for the not trusting anyone else point, I would counsel against putting yourself in an emotional cage of your own making. The break up of my own 1st marriage is quite well documented on PH and I won't bore people by rehearsing it beyond saying that it was a toxic and abusive relationship that I ended when I wound up in hospital having been stabbed by my 1st wife.
I refused to allow that experience (and that individual) to spoil future relationships for me and the current Mrs C and I have been happily together for 20 years this year.
JagLover said:
Unreal said:
Just ignore the attacks. Much of the white knighting is from people with no experience of this kind of painful break up. Some of the views are similar to those on the OLD thread. Over there you read posts from people that simply cannot accept some of the sexual behaviours that are commonplace for some, especially women.
Part of the problem in this thread might be that the break ups tend to be similar in nature and those of us who have been on the end of it know what's coming.
If you read the thread from the start, and combine it with what you know personally for people you know, some remarkably similar patterns of behaviour emerge. Part of the problem in this thread might be that the break ups tend to be similar in nature and those of us who have been on the end of it know what's coming.
Alltrack said:
Yes - there usually seems to be a confected crisis in the relationship that's used to deflect from or conceal the affair. This is followed by rewriting of history to justify what they did. And this is accompanied by the usual behaviours - changing appearance, locking down of phones...
Agreed, and I don't think anyone is questioning that. The behaviour patterns are indeed consistent and common, it's the immediate cries of 'she's having an affair'/'monkey branching'/'snakes with tits'/she'll clear out the account'/'you'll be accused of assault' et al that seems so misogynistic and unhelpful when some poor soul posts his anguish. This thread has been generally pretty well-balanced but there are predictable themes from predictable posters that can unbalance an otherwise supportive thread.
Darkslider said:
I've said a few times but I'll re-iterate here, I'm not taking her back. I wish I could but I just can't, I'll never be able to trust her (or possibly anyone else) again after this. I've been suffering from quite extreme paranoia the last few days and I think I'm going to need some professional help to overcome this trauma.
perfectly understandable reaction having been shat on in such an unpleasant fashion.given time you will learn to trust again, in the meantime some open conversations and/or counselling aren't a bad idea (for you, not couples; that ship has sailed)
don't go too hard on yourself and give yourself some time to get your self sorted out; very early days yet.
CharlesdeGaulle said:
Agreed, and I don't think anyone is questioning that. The behaviour patterns are indeed consistent and common, it's the immediate cries of 'she's having an affair'/'monkey branching'/'snakes with tits'/she'll clear out the account'/'you'll be accused of assault' et al that seems so misogynistic and unhelpful when some poor soul posts his anguish.
This thread has been generally pretty well-balanced but there are predictable themes from predictable posters that can unbalance an otherwise supportive thread.
The reason why people mention "monkey branching" is that it is very common behaviour by women. They don't let go of one branch until they have a firm grasp on another and are therefore serial monogamists. It is common as part of this to want you out of the family home and the new man in and be trying to engineer this, sometimes before you are even aware of the new man.This thread has been generally pretty well-balanced but there are predictable themes from predictable posters that can unbalance an otherwise supportive thread.
Edited by JagLover on Thursday 4th January 11:21
CharlesdeGaulle said:
Agreed, and I don't think anyone is questioning that. The behaviour patterns are indeed consistent and common, it's the immediate cries of 'she's having an affair'/'monkey branching'/'snakes with tits'/she'll clear out the account'/'you'll be accused of assault' et al that seems so misogynistic and unhelpful when some poor soul posts his anguish.
This thread has been generally pretty well-balanced but there are predictable themes from predictable posters that can unbalance an otherwise supportive thread.
The behaviours I've mentioned can equally apply to men and are discussed exhaustively on Mumsnet with the same sort of vitrol.This thread has been generally pretty well-balanced but there are predictable themes from predictable posters that can unbalance an otherwise supportive thread.
I know it's a generalisation but men are less inclined to monkey branch - a lot are quite happy to have two women on the go at once or be serially unfaitfull.
westberks said:
Darkslider said:
I've said a few times but I'll re-iterate here, I'm not taking her back. I wish I could but I just can't, I'll never be able to trust her (or possibly anyone else) again after this. I've been suffering from quite extreme paranoia the last few days and I think I'm going to need some professional help to overcome this trauma.
perfectly understandable reaction having been shat on in such an unpleasant fashion.given time you will learn to trust again, in the meantime some open conversations and/or counselling aren't a bad idea (for you, not couples; that ship has sailed)
don't go too hard on yourself and give yourself some time to get your self sorted out; very early days yet.
Darkslider said:
I've said a few times but I'll re-iterate here, I'm not taking her back. I wish I could but I just can't, I'll never be able to trust her (or possibly anyone else) again after this. I've been suffering from quite extreme paranoia the last few days and I think I'm going to need some professional help to overcome this trauma.
DS - I consider myself an extremely resilient, well adjusted and psychological stable person. In the early days of my seperation, (I work in HR so I know quite a few coaches/psychologists etc in my professional orbit) One of them said to me ''even people who are resilient, well adjusted and psychologically stable can suffer from extreme stress" It really changed my perception, made me stop seeing my resilience as a badge of honour and more as a barrier preventing me from getting help. I did go to for counselling, around six sessions I think, it definitely helped me gain perspective on a few topics, and as much as anything its good to unburden some of your innermost thoughts, things I wouldn't say to even close friends..
Well worth it, in terms of curating your own feelings and being more confident about what you can and can't tolerate as behaviours from partners (past and future)
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