Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[duffy78]

Joey Deacon said:

My advice is clearly unwanted by many on this thread so I have decided to not post on here anymore. For all those posters who blame themselves for their partner cheating on them with another man and decide to give them another chance I wish you good luck.

That would be a shame as the guys who post on here for help need both sides of the coin to be able to have an informed view. A cynic such as yourself helps give balance and despite what some may say your advice is sound at times, especially re OLD.

When I split with my wife after finding out about her affair I did the try and make it better, self introspection, what did I do wrong, try harder etc and all it did was push her further away and make me feel worthless. But it did let me hold my head high and look my kids in the eye knowing i tried.

However if i'd have listened to someone much as yourself I might have saved myself 6 months of anguish for the same outcome.

[Unreal]

JagLover said:

CharlesdeGaulle said:

Agreed, and I don't think anyone is questioning that. The behaviour patterns are indeed consistent and common, it's the immediate cries of 'she's having an affair'/'monkey branching'/'snakes with tits'/she'll clear out the account'/'you'll be accused of assault' et al that seems so misogynistic and unhelpful when some poor soul posts his anguish.

This thread has been generally pretty well-balanced but there are predictable themes from predictable posters that can unbalance an otherwise supportive thread.

The reason why people mention "monkey branching" is that it is very common behaviour by women. They don't let go of one branch until they have a firm grasp on another and are therefore serial monogamists. It is common as part of this to want you out of the family home and the new man in and be trying to engineer this, sometimes before you are even aware of the new man.

Edited by JagLover on Thursday 4th January 11:21

People point out things like the likelihood of an affair and monkey branching to protect the poor person on the end of this from being hurt even more. They are invariably in denial - they know something is wrong but don't realise the signals they're picking up are incredibly common and invariably lead to the same place. The person having the affair will lie through their teeth to avoid detection and it usually takes incontrovertible evidence to get them to admit their guilt. Try and find a story in here which ends with the partner's odd behaviour being down to something completely innocent.

I agree that some of the terms like 'snakes with tits' used aren't necessary but they're also pretty rare and we're all grown ups in here so just ignore them. Sweeping negative generalisations about males or females aren't hard to spot. Talking about a partner's behaviour when infidelity is involved usually means pointing out what nearly all of them will do and that's not a sweeping generalisation damning all men or all women.

[QJumper]

Joey Deacon said:

Considering she was sending nude and lingerie photos of herself taken in their bedroom to her ex boyfriend and having sex with him, I would say it was the woman's fault?

The tone of this thread seems to always be "she made a mistake", "give her another chance", "go to couples therapy", "you ignored her", "you were working too hard" or some other justification for cheating on the OP.

Even the OP is starting to consider taking her back despite the evidence he found on his phone and admits he is too "nice"

My advice is clearly unwanted by many on this thread so I have decided to not post on here anymore. For all those posters who blame themselves for their partner cheating on them with another man and decide to give them another chance I wish you good luck.

Whilst I don't always agree with some of what you say, there are also some truths as well.

It's also true that you might sometimes express things in a one sided way, but I guess that just balances the other extreme, where some people can appear a little naive, and think women are all sugar and spice, and incabable of wrong doing.

Ultimately both men and women can be good or bad in equal measure, and it's the actions that someone carries out that determine that, not their gender.

[Pit Pony]

tomble22 said:

westberks said:

Darkslider said:

I've said a few times but I'll re-iterate here, I'm not taking her back. I wish I could but I just can't, I'll never be able to trust her (or possibly anyone else) again after this. I've been suffering from quite extreme paranoia the last few days and I think I'm going to need some professional help to overcome this trauma.

perfectly understandable reaction having been shat on in such an unpleasant fashion.

given time you will learn to trust again, in the meantime some open conversations and/or counselling aren't a bad idea (for you, not couples; that ship has sailed)

don't go too hard on yourself and give yourself some time to get your self sorted out; very early days yet.

The best thing that came out of my divorce (or one of them) was my realisation that I never talked to anybody about how I felt etc. Being in the situation where your personal life has been ripped apart really makes you realise how important it is to talk to your mates, and how important communication is in a relationship, in my opinion.

When my wife found out I'd talked to a friend about our situation, she treated this as the worst level of disloyalty. I might as well have had an affair, in the way she treated this fact. She still can't see that for your mental health, you need to be able to discuss your problems with someone who won't judge you.
As I pointed out, the only other person I have to rent to about you, is you, and the only other option is to bottle it up until I crack and become a jibbering wreck.

[bitchstewie]

ClaphamGT3 said:

I think that you are wise to consider the value of outside, professional help - too many struggle on for too long and allow their unresolved issues to jaundice the rest of their lives.

^^ this

Stigma or "being a man" or whatever set of reasons often means men don't or can't or won't consider going to the GP or seeking professional advice.

I'd hope and expect they'd be able to help either directly or via a referral.