Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
One from Waaaaay back
A Barrister was acting for a chap accused of murder. It seemed the verdict would be guilty and so it was. however he was retained to see if the sentence could be commuted. After a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the Appeal Court and the Home Secretary looked like it had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his shrew of a wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a large Malt and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright ' she said. He whirled around and screamed, ' DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
A Barrister was acting for a chap accused of murder. It seemed the verdict would be guilty and so it was. however he was retained to see if the sentence could be commuted. After a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the Appeal Court and the Home Secretary looked like it had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his shrew of a wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a large Malt and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright ' she said. He whirled around and screamed, ' DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Nimby said:
Possibly (c) Aaron Sorkin Oct 2000, The West Wing
On a separate note - one of the best sequences from the brilliant West Wing - CJ and Bernard discuss a painting that caused a stir with one of the visitors.Superbly written and acted.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDGip1cvTiI
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks, "Do you have any chicken?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only chicken and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs 1.5 kg.
The woman looks at the chicken and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the chicken back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan. The scales now show 2 kg.
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only chicken and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs 1.5 kg.
The woman looks at the chicken and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the chicken back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan. The scales now show 2 kg.
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"
A teacher noticed that little Johnny at the back of the class was squirming around, pulling at his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find our what was going on.
Little Johnny was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had a minor surgery on his willy over the weekend and was quite itchy now.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to call his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did that and returned to the class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find Johnny sitting at his desk with his pants down.
"I thought I told you to call your mum!" she said.
"I did" replied Johnny hesitantly, "and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Little Johnny was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had a minor surgery on his willy over the weekend and was quite itchy now.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to call his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did that and returned to the class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find Johnny sitting at his desk with his pants down.
"I thought I told you to call your mum!" she said.
"I did" replied Johnny hesitantly, "and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Murphy applied for a fork-lift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job, and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job". Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job".
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong".
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?".
Manager: "That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know'. You put down, 'Neither do I'".
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job". Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job".
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong".
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?".
Manager: "That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know'. You put down, 'Neither do I'".
t...A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
MartG said:
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
I believe the usual punchline to that joke is:The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
"Not much plot, but WHAT A CAST!"
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