Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[mickk]

Yay I'm un-banned.


A loving family man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife Sarah, his daughter and two sons are with him.
So, he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".




Sarah replies, "Property? He had a bloody paper round!"

[MartG]

A pharmacist is working when she sees a customer sitting at the balcony. The woman seems a bit worried, so the pharmacist asks her assistant what happened, to which the young girl replies, "She wanted some cough medicine but thought it was too expensive, so I gave her some laxative."
"What?" said the pharmacist, "Why did you do that? Since when is laxative good for coughs?"
"Oh, it is," replied the assistant, "see how she's afraid to cough now!"

[Muntu]

northwest monkey said:

MartG said:

schmunk said:

Who's there?

Not this guy

If you stood him and Oscar Pistorious next to each other, you could quite legitimately say that 2 wrongs could make a right.

Whilst on the subject

[strudel]

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning about 10ish"

To which Sean replies "Tennish? I don't even have a racquet"

[Vizsla]

strudel said:

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning about 10ish"

To which Sean replies "Tennish? I don't even have a racquet"

[strudel]

[Vipers]

schmunk said:

Not cool.

We thought it was funny and true, each to their own.

[Vipers]

strudel said:

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning about 10ish"

To which Sean replies "Tennish? I don't even have a racquet"

Good a NEW one, chuckled though, good one.

[schmunk]

Vipers said:

schmunk said:

Not cool.

We thought it was funny and true, each to their own.

Ha ha! It's funny because foreigners are all lazy freeloaders...!

[Muntu]

schmunk said:

Not cool.

I thought it was funny













When I first read it 10 years ago

[MartG]

Just got myself one of those anti bullying bracelets.

I nicked it off a fat kid.

[MartG]

What do you get if you cross a primary school playground with a bag of sweets? ........... Arrested

[Pints]

MartG said:

What do you get if you cross a primary school playground with a bag of sweets? ........... Arrested

I'm telling that one tomorrow to anyone who'll listen.

[davhill]

Sean Connery phoned me and said, "I'd like you to come and sit on my sofa."

So I did.

His driver wasn't best pleased.

Edited by davhill on Thursday 29th October 12:32

[Tonto]

davhill said:

Sean Conner phoned me and said, "I'd like you to come and sit on my sofa."

So I did.

His driver wasn't best pleased.

[marshalla]

davhill said:

Sean Conner phoned me and said, "I'd like you to come and sit on my sofa."

So I did.

His driver wasn't best pleased.

Who ? Shome mishtake, shurely ?

Edited by marshalla on Thursday 29th October 11:00

[Jonboy_t]

Not sure if I read this one on here or not...

Chris Eubank had recently written a book on ethics.

If it sells well, he plans to do one on Kent next.

[strudel]

davhill said:

Sean Conner phoned me and said, "I'd like you to come and sit on my sofa."

So I did.

His driver wasn't best pleased.

On topic, and fits the criteria of a joke.

This is how it's done.

[davhill]

marshalla said:

Who ? Shome mishtake, shurely ?

Edited!

Edited by marshalla on Thursday 29th October 11:00

[hacksaw]

Halloween this weekend! The old dear who lives a couple of doors away is really getting into the spirit this year. I peaked through her window earlier this week, cobwebs all over the room and even a fake skeleton on the sofa. Always good for a laugh!