Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[ApOrbital]

She stood at the bridge at midnight,
her lips were all a quiver,
she gave a cough
her head fell off,
and floated down the river.

[Evangelion]

There was a young lass from Kilkenny,
Whose price, we are told, was a penny.
And for half of that sum,
You could fondle her bum -
A source of amusement for many.

[MartG]

There was a young nun called Mariah
Who was trapped by an amorous friar
She said "I know it's a sin
But now that it's in
Can you push it a little bit higher

[Ayahuasca]

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
he said, with a grin as he stuck out his chin
If my ear was a c**t I could f**k it

[kowalski655]

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that had left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

[Doofus]

There was a poet from Japan
Whose limericks never did scan
When told it was so
He replied "Yes I know
"But I always like to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can"

[moosepig]

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose monthly flow was quite stable
On every full moon
She'd get out a spoon
And drink herself under the table

[Muntu]

There was a young lady who begat
Three sons, named Rat, Pat, and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat

[Muntu]

moosepig said:

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose monthly flow was quite stable
On every full moon
She'd get out a spoon
And drink herself under the table

[ApOrbital]

My mate sent me a text last night:

"who sang Tiger Feet?"

"MUD", I quickly replied.

"thats right, thats right, thats right, thats right".....

[Sylvaforever]

Muntu said:

There was a young lady who begat
Three sons, named Rat, Pat, and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat

[Muntu]

ApOrbital said:

My mate sent me a text last night:

"who sang Tiger Feet?"

"MUD", I quickly replied.

"thats right, thats right, thats right, thats right".....

My Mrs threatened to leave me because of my obsession with The Monkees.

I thought she was joking

Then I saw her face...

[Hugo a Gogo]

works better like this

ApOrbital said:

My mate sent me a text last night:

"who sang that's neat, that's neat, that's neat I really love your Tiger Feet?"

"MUD", I quickly replied.

"thats right, thats right, thats right, thats right".....

[wiliferus]

Back to nuns, and I'm typing this from memory from about 30 years ago...

10 nuns are killed in a horrific coach accident.
Of course they all go straight to heaven and are met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter.

They form and orderly queue to speak with the Holy man.
Sister Susan is first.
'Have you ever touched a penis' asks Saint Peter.
'Yes, I'm so sorry, with the tip of my finger' replied Sister Susan.
'Dip your finger in the holy water, and you may go in'
Sister Sarah is next.
'Have you ever touched a penis?'
'Yes' she replies 'with my hand'
'Dip you hand in the holy water, and then you may go in'

With this Saint Peter notices a commotion at the back of the queue.
'What's going on back there?'

A nun shouts back 'If I've got to gargle with Holy Water I'm damn well doing it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!'

[MartG]

When Lady Penelope swoons
Her bosoms pop out like balloons
Her butler stands by
With a gleam in his eye
And pops them back with warm spoons

[davhill]

ApOrbital said:

She stood at the bridge at midnight,
her lips were all a quiver,
she gave a cough
her head fell off,
and floated down the river.

Copyright Eric Morecambe, 19-whatever. But it was her leg, not head. Nothing like the old ones.

[CanAm]

Carrington Brigg cared not a fig
Whether he lived or he died.
But when he was dead,
He laid on his bed,
And cried and cried and cried.

[Muntu]

What has 4 legs and one arm?

A doberman on a children's playground.

[Usget]

davhill said:

ApOrbital said:

She stood at the bridge at midnight,
her lips were all a quiver,
she gave a cough
her head fell off,
and floated down the river.

Copyright Eric Morecambe, 19-whatever. But it was her leg, not head. Nothing like the old ones.

I always thought that was a Spike Milligan gag from the Goons, but I might be wrong!

[Ali2202]

Usget said:

davhill said:

ApOrbital said:

She stood at the bridge at midnight,
her lips were all a quiver,
she gave a cough
her head fell off,
and floated down the river.

Copyright Eric Morecambe, 19-whatever. But it was her leg, not head. Nothing like the old ones.

I always thought that was a Spike Milligan gag from the Goons, but I might be wrong!

What are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do now?