Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A husband and wife lost their jobs at the underwear factory, so attended the social Welfare to sign on. After they had finished, Paddy turned to the wife and asked
"How Much a week did you get?" Mavis looked at her husband and said €350pw, what about you? Paddy Replied " €500pw"
"That's outrageous discrimination" barked his wife and stormed back in to have a row.
Approaching the clerk, she shouted "HOW DARE you award my husband €500pw, and me only €350.... EXPLAIN YOURSELF"
The Clerk calmly addressed her and said, You, told me that you were a knicker Sewer for a living, while your Husband is a Diesel Fitter, so based on the skill set of your previous jobs, his amount was deemed higher"
"DIESEL FITTER.. exclaimed Mavis.... He was on Quality Control in the knicker Factory, all the lazy sod had to do was select random garments from the different batches, hold em up for size and say "Yip, Diesel Fitter"..
"How Much a week did you get?" Mavis looked at her husband and said €350pw, what about you? Paddy Replied " €500pw"
"That's outrageous discrimination" barked his wife and stormed back in to have a row.
Approaching the clerk, she shouted "HOW DARE you award my husband €500pw, and me only €350.... EXPLAIN YOURSELF"
The Clerk calmly addressed her and said, You, told me that you were a knicker Sewer for a living, while your Husband is a Diesel Fitter, so based on the skill set of your previous jobs, his amount was deemed higher"
"DIESEL FITTER.. exclaimed Mavis.... He was on Quality Control in the knicker Factory, all the lazy sod had to do was select random garments from the different batches, hold em up for size and say "Yip, Diesel Fitter"..
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” He said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder It’s ‘Miracle Grow!’”
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” He said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder It’s ‘Miracle Grow!’”
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
Shuvi McTupya said:
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
Today's best.The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
There was a little boy about twelve years old who was walking along the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. Eventually, he came upon the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once inside, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”
Of course the Madam replied “No”. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”
Since the boy was so adamant that he had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. So, he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and left. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”
He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner and leave me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When my parents get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s place, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-b
h who ran over my FROG!”
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once inside, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”
Of course the Madam replied “No”. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”
Since the boy was so adamant that he had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. So, he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and left. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”
He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner and leave me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When my parents get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s place, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-b
h who ran over my FROG!”Saul grew up knowing that he preferred boy bits to girl bits. This caused him a lot of grief and anguish because first century Syria was not a particularly tolerant society and their views on homosexuality were somewhat unenlightened. Saul had seen crowds of cackling crones stone adulterers to death (and not in a good way) and he feared a similar fate awaited him if he was discovered expressing his true nature. At Sabbath prayers he heard preachers bang on about a city called Sodom, and how it had been destroyed because men fancied other men. So Saul did not feel particularly good about coming out of the vestuary. He kept his feelings secret, locked down deep inside. As he grew up his sexuality did not progress much further than casting covetous eyes upon his neighbour's ass. Although he was not ashamed of his feelings towards other men, he deeply wished that he fancied women, as life would be so much easier. His mother was no help at all. 'Why don't you go out with Rachael?' she would nag him, when all he wanted was some alone time with Rachael's handsome brother Richard. Saul was miserable. One day he decided that he would seek help. He went to see the church elders. But he didn't know quite how to explain his problem, without being stoned to death (not in a good way). He thought long and hard and then came up with an idea and made his way to the synagogue in the centre of the town. 'Rabbi,' he stammered. 'My problem is that I, I er, I don't like fish. I like sausages.' he buried his face in his hands. 'I know this is wrong, Rabbi, but I cannot help it. What am I to do?' Just in case the elders had not understood his coded message, he added,'and I cannot help coveting my neighbour, Samuel's, ass. Also I enjoy very much the musical works of the travelling minstrels, and I love dressing in flamboyant coats of many colours.'
The elders looked at him with stern expressions. One of them, a grey and wizened old man, looked upon him and said 'My son, this business with the sausages, the neighbour's ass and the coat of many colours is indeed disturbing and sinful in the eyes of the Lord. But we are elders of the church, men of the world and have seen it all before. Do you truly wish to cast away the gay stuff and eat of the fish and the dumplings?' 'Loaves, it's loaves,' said another of the elders. 'Fish and loaves. Not fish and dumplings.' 'I do,' said Saul. 'Well, said the elder, what you must do is this. You must travel to the capital of our country. This is many leagues away. The journey will take you a month. You must leave your nice coat of many colours behind and don a sackcloth.' 'And ashes', added another of the elders. 'No ashes, just a sackcloth I think, first offense,' said the first elder. On the road you must pray continually. You must not think of sausages.' 'Think of fish,' said the other elder. 'Yes, but not too fishy,' said the first one, 'we don't want to put the lad off do we?' After a week on the road you will arrive at an Inn. At the inn ask for the landlord's special.' 'The landlord's special?' 'Yes, the landlord's special. Don't be fobbed off by whatever else they have. What you want is the special. Be warned, it is not cheap. You must take fifty shekels for the landlord's special. Stay at the inn for one night, then make your way to the capital. The elders have spoken.' 'Will that make me fancy girls?' asked Saul. 'The elders have spoken,' said the elder. 'That is it, there isn't any more. We have spoken.' The next day Saul carefully folded his coat of many colours and hung it in his vestuary. He said goodbye to his mother. He donned the sackcloth and started out on his long journey. The road was hard and dusty. He begged for bread from passers by and drank water from the occasional stream. At night he bedded down under the stars. He tried hard not to think of sausages, or boys or anything else apart from his journey. As he walked his body became harder and lean. After a week on the road he arrived at the inn. It was a large building of many floors with a stone doorway guarded by a dwarf. The dwarf looked at Saul with distaste but opened up and allowed him entry. Saul walked up to the bar. 'I will have the landlord's special please.' he announced. 'The special?' said the barman. 'Are you sure you don't want to try the new imported craft stuff from Ephesus? Everyone is raving over it.' 'No,' said Saul firmly. 'The landlord's special please.' 'Very well, but is expensive.' 'I know,' said Saul. 'Here are fifty shekels my good man.' He spilled the coins from his purse onto the bar top. 'Actually the special is forty shekels, but thank you for the tip. 'bd elders,' said Saul. 'The special is on the top floor,' said the barman. 'Room 102'. Just go up and knock. He drew aside a heavy velvet curtain revealing a door to a flight of stairs. Saul made his way to the top. At the first floor he heard the sound of groaning and wailing. He peeped into a doorway to be confronted by a pair of buttocks rising and falling as a young girl writhed beneath him. 'Nice ass,' though Saul. He climbed higher. On the second floor he heard screaming and peeped into a doorway. There was a man chained to a bed being smothered by three heavy breasted girls. On the third floor there was an orgy of girls of different races, all entwined and covered in scented oils. O the forth floor were the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. On every floor the sexual activity got better and better and noisier and noisier.. Finally he arrived at the top floor. There was silence. No sound of any activity at all. There was just a closed wooden door studded with iron. He knocked and it slowly opened. Inside was darkness. 'Come in' said a woman's voice. Then he could see a bed and an ugly, fat tattooed woman upon it. 'I'm big Sally. Landlord's special is it?' she said, 'Come in and let me know you how it is done darling'. 'I am here to be cured,' said Saul. 'I don't want to be funny or anything, but I am not sure you will be able to do it.' 'Don't worry, sweetheart, just come over here and stick it in and we will see about that.' Saul, somewhat hesitantly, climbed aboard. It was wonderful! Somehow her fanny had a life of its own. It sucked Saul in, squeezed and quivered and vibrated. Sally just lay back on the bed and fell into a trance while her fanny did all of the work on its own. It massaged and rubbed him up and down. It went on and on, gaining in intensity all the time Saul felt himself changing. He no longer wanted cock. He wanted fanny. He wanted this feeling to go on forever. He was cured! And that is how Saul had an epic fanny and was converted on the road to Damascus.
The elders looked at him with stern expressions. One of them, a grey and wizened old man, looked upon him and said 'My son, this business with the sausages, the neighbour's ass and the coat of many colours is indeed disturbing and sinful in the eyes of the Lord. But we are elders of the church, men of the world and have seen it all before. Do you truly wish to cast away the gay stuff and eat of the fish and the dumplings?' 'Loaves, it's loaves,' said another of the elders. 'Fish and loaves. Not fish and dumplings.' 'I do,' said Saul. 'Well, said the elder, what you must do is this. You must travel to the capital of our country. This is many leagues away. The journey will take you a month. You must leave your nice coat of many colours behind and don a sackcloth.' 'And ashes', added another of the elders. 'No ashes, just a sackcloth I think, first offense,' said the first elder. On the road you must pray continually. You must not think of sausages.' 'Think of fish,' said the other elder. 'Yes, but not too fishy,' said the first one, 'we don't want to put the lad off do we?' After a week on the road you will arrive at an Inn. At the inn ask for the landlord's special.' 'The landlord's special?' 'Yes, the landlord's special. Don't be fobbed off by whatever else they have. What you want is the special. Be warned, it is not cheap. You must take fifty shekels for the landlord's special. Stay at the inn for one night, then make your way to the capital. The elders have spoken.' 'Will that make me fancy girls?' asked Saul. 'The elders have spoken,' said the elder. 'That is it, there isn't any more. We have spoken.' The next day Saul carefully folded his coat of many colours and hung it in his vestuary. He said goodbye to his mother. He donned the sackcloth and started out on his long journey. The road was hard and dusty. He begged for bread from passers by and drank water from the occasional stream. At night he bedded down under the stars. He tried hard not to think of sausages, or boys or anything else apart from his journey. As he walked his body became harder and lean. After a week on the road he arrived at the inn. It was a large building of many floors with a stone doorway guarded by a dwarf. The dwarf looked at Saul with distaste but opened up and allowed him entry. Saul walked up to the bar. 'I will have the landlord's special please.' he announced. 'The special?' said the barman. 'Are you sure you don't want to try the new imported craft stuff from Ephesus? Everyone is raving over it.' 'No,' said Saul firmly. 'The landlord's special please.' 'Very well, but is expensive.' 'I know,' said Saul. 'Here are fifty shekels my good man.' He spilled the coins from his purse onto the bar top. 'Actually the special is forty shekels, but thank you for the tip. 'b
d elders,' said Saul. 'The special is on the top floor,' said the barman. 'Room 102'. Just go up and knock. He drew aside a heavy velvet curtain revealing a door to a flight of stairs. Saul made his way to the top. At the first floor he heard the sound of groaning and wailing. He peeped into a doorway to be confronted by a pair of buttocks rising and falling as a young girl writhed beneath him. 'Nice ass,' though Saul. He climbed higher. On the second floor he heard screaming and peeped into a doorway. There was a man chained to a bed being smothered by three heavy breasted girls. On the third floor there was an orgy of girls of different races, all entwined and covered in scented oils. O the forth floor were the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. On every floor the sexual activity got better and better and noisier and noisier.. Finally he arrived at the top floor. There was silence. No sound of any activity at all. There was just a closed wooden door studded with iron. He knocked and it slowly opened. Inside was darkness. 'Come in' said a woman's voice. Then he could see a bed and an ugly, fat tattooed woman upon it. 'I'm big Sally. Landlord's special is it?' she said, 'Come in and let me know you how it is done darling'. 'I am here to be cured,' said Saul. 'I don't want to be funny or anything, but I am not sure you will be able to do it.' 'Don't worry, sweetheart, just come over here and stick it in and we will see about that.' Saul, somewhat hesitantly, climbed aboard. It was wonderful! Somehow her fanny had a life of its own. It sucked Saul in, squeezed and quivered and vibrated. Sally just lay back on the bed and fell into a trance while her fanny did all of the work on its own. It massaged and rubbed him up and down. It went on and on, gaining in intensity all the time Saul felt himself changing. He no longer wanted cock. He wanted fanny. He wanted this feeling to go on forever. He was cured! And that is how Saul had an epic fanny and was converted on the road to Damascus. Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff