Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
te. Possibly the worst one on this entire thread.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
It seems my boss Ralph joined the Rotarians, and the chairman said "when you join, you have to make a speech... it's a custom, you see."
"I see" said Ralph, "well, I shall talk about sprocket-making, since it is my business."
"Now listen, old boy" said the chairman, "to be blunt we've all heard your sprocket-making stories a thousand times."
"Well then, I shall speak about golf" replied Ralph.
"Not a bad scheme", said the chairman, "though there are some pretty good crack golfers in the Rotarians, amongst whom, to be honest and to save your blushes, you do not number."
"Hmm..." replied Ralph, what do you suggest then?"
"Why don't you give a talk" suggested the chairman, "about sex? Everyone will be interested in that."
"Not a bad idea", said Ralph.
He gives the talk, and in fairness it goes down a storm, and he goes home to Mrs Ralph, who asks "how did you get on?"
"A great time was had by all," says Ralph. "I gave a talk, which they all loved, and I have been accepted as a member."
"Oh" says Mrs Ralph, "what was your talk about?"
"It was about sss... sss... erm, well, serr.. sss - ss - ss - sailing", says Ralph.
The next day Mrs Ralph bumps into the wife of one of the Rotarians. "I hear your Ralph gave a wonderful talk at the club. Dan's been going on about it... apparently it was a big hit!"
"Yes," says Mrs Ralph, "he said it went down well, but to be honest I can't think how he knows so much about it. He's only done it three times... the first time he was sick, the second time his hat blew off, and the third time he had to be lifted off by helicopter."
"I see" said Ralph, "well, I shall talk about sprocket-making, since it is my business."
"Now listen, old boy" said the chairman, "to be blunt we've all heard your sprocket-making stories a thousand times."
"Well then, I shall speak about golf" replied Ralph.
"Not a bad scheme", said the chairman, "though there are some pretty good crack golfers in the Rotarians, amongst whom, to be honest and to save your blushes, you do not number."
"Hmm..." replied Ralph, what do you suggest then?"
"Why don't you give a talk" suggested the chairman, "about sex? Everyone will be interested in that."
"Not a bad idea", said Ralph.
He gives the talk, and in fairness it goes down a storm, and he goes home to Mrs Ralph, who asks "how did you get on?"
"A great time was had by all," says Ralph. "I gave a talk, which they all loved, and I have been accepted as a member."
"Oh" says Mrs Ralph, "what was your talk about?"
"It was about sss... sss... erm, well, serr.. sss - ss - ss - sailing", says Ralph.
The next day Mrs Ralph bumps into the wife of one of the Rotarians. "I hear your Ralph gave a wonderful talk at the club. Dan's been going on about it... apparently it was a big hit!"
"Yes," says Mrs Ralph, "he said it went down well, but to be honest I can't think how he knows so much about it. He's only done it three times... the first time he was sick, the second time his hat blew off, and the third time he had to be lifted off by helicopter."
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