Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Steve vRS]

How do you know an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

[Alex]

Quickmoose said:

glenrobbo said:

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they are completely invisible when hiding in cherry trees.

How do they get down from the tree?

they stand on a leaf and wait until Autumn

When I was at school, it was "Why do elephants paint their balls red?"

Then the final gag was "What's the loudest noise in the jungle?"

Monkeys eating cherries.

[Evangelion]

One day Trump was walking along with his entourage but, unknown to any of them, a lone sniper lay in wait on a nearby rooftop. He raised his high-calibre rifle, put his eye to the sight and started to squeeze the trigger.

At the very last moment, one of the bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted out. "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!”

A shot rang out and the president fell dead.

As his aides gathered around the body, one of them said, “What the hell was ‘Mickey Mouse’ all about?”

'I'm sorry," said the bodyguard, "I meant ‘Donald, duck!’”

[Vipers]

Don't join the Tesco on line dating service.

My mate did and ended with a bag for life.

[MartG]

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me either."
"Oh great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

[SeeFive]

Vipers said:

Don't join the Tesco on line dating service.

My mate did and ended with a bag for life.

I thought I had a potentially fatal health problem the other day when my bag for life split.

[Vipers]

Evangelion said:

One day Trump was walking along with his entourage but, unknown to any of them, a lone sniper lay in wait on a nearby rooftop. He raised his high-calibre rifle, put his eye to the sight and started to squeeze the trigger.

At the very last moment, one of the bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted out. "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!”

A shot rang out and the president fell dead.

As his aides gathered around the body, one of them said, “What the hell was ‘Mickey Mouse’ all about?”

'I'm sorry," said the bodyguard, "I meant ‘Donald, duck!’”

My immediate thought was thank god he got it wrong

[Muntu]

I recently learned to speak Apache.

It's easy when you know How.

[john2443]

I wonder if the new White House Communications Director can do the fandango?


Anthony Scaramucci

[Starfighter]

What word has 14 letter, starts and ends with "n" and means constipation?
Nnnnnnnnnnnnnn

[Muntu]

Me and the wife had an Indian last night, we had curried Pelican. It was very nice but the bill was enormous

[mickk]

Muntu said:

Me and the wife had an Indian last night, we had curried Pelican. It was very nice but the bill was enormous

Toucan get a discount surely?

[louiebaby]

mickk said:

Muntu said:

Me and the wife had an Indian last night, we had curried Pelican. It was very nice but the bill was enormous

Toucan get a discount surely?

[Vizsla]

mickk said:

Muntu said:

Me and the wife had an Indian last night, we had curried Pelican. It was very nice but the bill was enormous

Toucan get a discount surely?

You must be raven mad, flamin' go to a cheaper restaurant then.

[iwantagta]

Vizsla said:

mickk said:

Muntu said:

Me and the wife had an Indian last night, we had curried Pelican. It was very nice but the bill was enormous

Toucan get a discount surely?

You must be raven mad, flamin' go to a cheaper restaurant then.

I had a chicken tarka last night , its like a chicken tikka but just a little otter.

[Wacky Racer]

Muntu said:

I recently learned to speak Apache.

It's easy when you know How.

You should be scalped for that.....

[Morningside]

glenrobbo said:

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they are completely invisible when hiding in cherry trees.

Ever seen one in a cherry tree?
No?
Shows how good the disguise is doesn't it?

[douglasb]

Quickmoose said:

How do they get down from the tree?

They don't get down from the tree. They get down from ducks.

[MartG]

[General Price]

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants




Feefiphobia