Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[glenrobbo]

A woman who had recently been taking golf lessons had just started her first round without her coach when she was stung by a bee.
Distraught, she returned to the clubhouse and told her coach about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.

He shook his head and said:
"That's your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!"

[MartG]

I'm a bit worried that these North Korean missiles can make it to New York

If they can make it there, they can make it anywhere...

[MartG]

[CanAm]

That cartoonist has been taking tips from Vipers.

[Muntu]

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy

[MartG]

I don't know why but Iron Maiden's song Run To The Hills was a flop in Holland

[MartG]

"I've recently bought a new VW car, and I am fuming".

Milton Jones.

[Laurel Green]

MartG said:

I don't know why but Iron Maiden's song Run To The Hills was a flop in Holland

[glenrobbo]

Laurel Green said:

MartG said:

I don't know why but Iron Maiden's song Run To The Hills was a flop in Holland

That's because they prefer cycling:

https://bicycledutch.wordpress.com/2012/10/04/cycl...

[Morningside]

Muntu said:

I never knew my missus could cook until today when she served me a banana that tasted just like fish.

I didn't think she had it in her.

[MartG]

[MartG]

[MartG]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . .. this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Check".
With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
Check".
And you want it full of Carp?".
Check".
Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[Muntu]

I got stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.
"What do you know about dwarfs?" She asked.
"Very little." I replied.

[mickk]

Muntu said:

I got stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.
"What do you know about dwarfs?" She asked.
"Very little." I replied.

Was you feeling Grumpy?

[john2443]

MartG said:

What! No seat belt

[Muntu]

At the sperm bank today, I was asked if I would like to wk in the cup...

I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."

[JustinF]

Muntu said:

At the sperm bank today, I was asked if I would like to wk in the cup...

I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."

[MartG]

[Halmyre]

Muntu said:

At the sperm bank today, I was asked if I would like to wk in the cup...

I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."

When I went they pointed to a cup on a shelf and told me "just ejaculate in that".

"What, from here?" I asked.