Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Usget]

illmonkey said:

He's defenitaly not in a better place. RIP Hef.

Funeral is due just as soon as they can close the lid on the coffin.

Undertakers say that normally being asked to deal with a stiff means something quite different.

[sc0tt]

K12beano said:

News just in

Air Traffic Control have had a sighting of a single strange unknown object in the skies above Europe.

They’re currently treating it as a UFO

It’s believed that there’s just a single occurrence of this object and the public are asked not to worry unduly.

A spokesmen said they believe this UFO has some strange writing down the outside, and if anyone can help, could they get in touch, with identifying a long cigar-shaped object like an ordinary passenger jet with pictures down the side equating closely to the following letters: Ryanair

???

[Alpacaman]

I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words-

"Stop shaking the ladder you little "

[vincegail]

[GloverMart]

Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths?

Me: I perform under pressure

Interviewer: Can you give me an example?

Me: *deep breath*

Mm ba ba de,
Um bum ba de,
Um bu bu bum da de

PRESSURE, pushing down on me

[Muntu]

Interviewer: What would you consider one of your biggest weaknesses?

Me: I always tell the truth

Interviewer: I don't think that's a weakness

Me: I don't give a fk what you think

[alorotom]

sc0tt said:

???

As in RyanAir flights aren’t flying due to the lack of pilots and issues with leave ... therefore any RyanAir flights are grounded and if one is in the air then it must be a UFO ... phew

[Muntu]

[Laurel Green]

[EarlOfHazard]

[Road2Ruin]

I was talking to friend at work the other day and he said to me "do you like Dickens", I said "I don't know, i've never been to one"

[Vipers]

Road2Ruin said:

I was talking to friend at work the other day and he said to me "do you like Dickens", I said "I don't know, i've never been to one"

Neither have I, but my girl friend likes a Dickins Cider, morning noon and night.

[Vipers]

[Chunkymonkey_71]

I lolled!

(finally)

[silverfoxcc]

I was askied once if i liked Kipling

Said i had never kippled in my life

[boyse7en]

silverfoxcc said:

I was askied once if i liked Kipling

Said i had never kippled in my life

I took my wife out to a wine tasting

"Do you like Riesling?" I asked

"I don't know, I've never Riesled"

That's when the fight started...

[sc0tt]

alorotom said:

As in RyanAir flights aren’t flying due to the lack of pilots and issues with leave ... therefore any RyanAir flights are grounded and if one is in the air then it must be a UFO ... phew

I understood. But this is the jokes thread.

[Vipers]

Any thing to do with Ryanair is a fking joke.

[Vipers]

I was buying some condoms, the cashier said "Do you want a bag"

I said "No, shes not that ugly"

[Wacky Racer]

A man went into a chemist and said "I want ten packets of 5mm Durex"

Chemist:- "They will only fit a mouse"

Man:- "I know, the bleedin' house is overrun with them"