Management Speak

[Scabutz]

I have just been invited to a PULSE meeting. Do I need to take a heart rate monitor?

[DoubleD]

Scabutz said:

I have just been invited to a PULSE meeting. Do I need to take a heart rate monitor?

Will it be full of bean counters?

[Scabutz]

DoubleD said:

Scabutz said:

I have just been invited to a PULSE meeting. Do I need to take a heart rate monitor?

Will it be full of bean counters?

IT managers. Worse.

[Mr E]

Scabutz said:

Got an email yesterday saying this.

"Follow the link to kick-start the preparation for your conversation cycles. This reflection will help you to prepare for the first of many dialogues with your manager, for feedback and personal growth".

Anyone know what the fk it means? Tried Google translate but that came back with nothing.

It’s review time. Although a decent manager would have regular conversations with you.

[jet_noise]

Mr E said:

Scabutz said:

Got an email yesterday saying this.

"Follow the link to kick-start the preparation for your conversation cycles. This reflection will help you to prepare for the first of many dialogues with your manager, for feedback and personal growth".

Anyone know what the fk it means? Tried Google translate but that came back with nothing.

It’s review time. Although a decent manager would have regular conversations with you.

Let's pedal the conversation cycle and see how far we can go.

[br d]

jet_noise said:

Mr E said:

Scabutz said:

Got an email yesterday saying this.

"Follow the link to kick-start the preparation for your conversation cycles. This reflection will help you to prepare for the first of many dialogues with your manager, for feedback and personal growth".

Anyone know what the fk it means? Tried Google translate but that came back with nothing.

It’s review time. Although a decent manager would have regular conversations with you.

Let's pedal the conversation cycle and see how far we can go.

It's laughable that grown adults speak to each other like this, working in corporate management must be a cringe a minute.

[Scabutz]

br d said:

jet_noise said:

Mr E said:

Scabutz said:

Got an email yesterday saying this.

"Follow the link to kick-start the preparation for your conversation cycles. This reflection will help you to prepare for the first of many dialogues with your manager, for feedback and personal growth".

Anyone know what the fk it means? Tried Google translate but that came back with nothing.

It’s review time. Although a decent manager would have regular conversations with you.

Let's pedal the conversation cycle and see how far we can go.

It's laughable that grown adults speak to each other like this, working in corporate management must be a cringe a minute.

I am not sure what's worse. Often the emails we get are trying to be casual and cool.

Hey Guys,

Your super cool review progress is ready.

Love you

[Mr E]

br d said:

It's laughable that grown adults speak to each other like this, working in corporate management must be a cringe a minute.

I’m going to give you some authentic feedback, then we should close the loop and shift paradigms.

[Scabutz]

DoubleD said:

Scabutz said:

I have just been invited to a PULSE meeting. Do I need to take a heart rate monitor?

Will it be full of bean counters?

Sorry, I've just got this. Pulse = Beans. fk me I am getting slow. My brain has been melted by the corporate fkwittery I am subjected to on a daily basis. Like this nugget from today:

"Additionally, in line with Go to Market we have established a UK requirement to focus a collaborative approach for this fundamental business activity. "

This it means we are gong to work with some other people.

[AstonZagato]

Some great stuff from Gus Hedges in Drop the Dead Donkey - from the 90s:

Let's keep kneecapping the opposition.
We've got to downsize our sloppiness overload.
Could we interlock brain spaces in my work area?
Well, butt-kickers, what's cooking?
Coach, if I could input into your mental mainframe for a moment...
Morning talent base. Are the afterburners on full thrust? You bet.
Yes, well, publicity-wise this is a rather regrettable gonads-in-the-guillotine situation.
Are we nuking the opposition news busters? Terrific.
Morning, mountaineers. Climbing the north face of newsmaking again are we? Terrific.
Let's operate a zipped-lip scenario on this one.
George, can we pool our brainspaces in a centre of excellence?
Anyway, heads down, chins up, chests out, terrific, well played team.
Quality stress dissipation opportunities here.

[bristolracer]

AstonZagato said:

Some great stuff from Gus Hedges in Drop the Dead Donkey - from the 90s:

Let's keep kneecapping the opposition.
We've got to downsize our sloppiness overload.
Could we interlock brain spaces in my work area?
Well, butt-kickers, what's cooking?
Coach, if I could input into your mental mainframe for a moment...
Morning talent base. Are the afterburners on full thrust? You bet.
Yes, well, publicity-wise this is a rather regrettable gonads-in-the-guillotine situation.
Are we nuking the opposition news busters? Terrific.
Morning, mountaineers. Climbing the north face of newsmaking again are we? Terrific.
Let's operate a zipped-lip scenario on this one.
George, can we pool our brainspaces in a centre of excellence?
Anyway, heads down, chins up, chests out, terrific, well played team.
Quality stress dissipation opportunities here.

Gus was a fool we laughed at. It was written as comedy.
All of the examples in this thread are people taking this stuff seriously!

[21st Century Man]

Go/No go

https://youtu.be/BHIo6qwJarI

[PopsandBangs]

Everything's a bloody "space" now. Market, concept, field, discipline...... all now a "space"

Bore off

[Johnnytheboy]

PopsandBangs said:

Everything's a bloody "space" now. Market, concept, field, discipline...... all now a "space"

Bore off

That seems to have come from sociology.

Listen to Thinking Allowed on R4 and interviewees are always talking about subgroups in society and the "spaces" they create/exist in.

[deckster]

Mr E said:

Scabutz said:

Got an email yesterday saying this.

"Follow the link to kick-start the preparation for your conversation cycles. This reflection will help you to prepare for the first of many dialogues with your manager, for feedback and personal growth".

Anyone know what the fk it means? Tried Google translate but that came back with nothing.

It’s review time. Although a decent manager would have regular conversations with you.

HR are terrible for inventing jargon. We used to have annual reviews, which were pretty worthless as you point out. Then we moved to continuous feedback, which was actually quite good as it was just a regular informal chat with your manager, which we had always done anyway.

However now we have a People Function with a Talent Management Approach, and they have brought in an 'Annual Talent Conversation'.

So I guess it's back to the worthless annual review, but with more bullst. Never mind.

[xjay1337]

Someone today cracked a good one

"Can someone else look at this customers request, as I don't have the available bandwidth"

I was thinking

1) You're not a fking ADSL circuit
2) Even if you were, at your work rate you would be a 56k modem
3) Just say you are too busy to deal with it

FFS

[Scabutz]

deckster said:

HR are terrible for inventing jargon.

Oh yes. "Talent Acquisition Consultant" anyone. Sorry what do you do? I acquire talent, right you're a recruiter, great.

HR have all the time in the world to come up with crap jargon as they generally do fk all.

[p4cks]

Scabutz said:

deckster said:

HR are terrible for inventing jargon.

Oh yes. "Talent Acquisition Consultant" anyone. Sorry what do you do? I acquire talent, right you're a recruiter, great.

HR have all the time in the world to come up with crap jargon as they generally do fk all.

They're a law into themselves aren't they?!

My mate refers to them as Human Remains.

[Rawwr]

If my boss says 'holistically' again, I'm going to shank him in the gut.

He is yet to use the word properly.

[Allan L]

Scabutz said:

HR have all the time in the world to come up with crap jargon . . .

"Human Resources" is itself crap jargon for what we used to call Personnel. Moreover when it was Personnel they recognised they were dealing with people, not a "Resource".

p4cks said:

My mate refers to them as Human Remains.

as did we in our time.
Surprising that the "man" syllable is still permitted and we don't have to write "Huperson"

Edited by Allan L on Friday 20th September 15:23