Divorcing empty nesters...
Discussion
ironv8 said:
lurked on this thread for a while and am staggered at the bias shown by the family courts towards mothers when children are involved.
Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
Kids are adults, perhaps it is time for a reality check and also a kick up the arse to your wife.Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
HTP99 said:
ironv8 said:
lurked on this thread for a while and am staggered at the bias shown by the family courts towards mothers when children are involved.
Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
Kids are adults, perhaps it is time for a reality check and also a kick up the arse to your wife.Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
You need to take on your wife, before she starts telling the judge about the 'life she is accustomed to'. Start reducing payments asap imo. She won't give up working part time otherwise.
Move back into the home, otherwise she will never sell and have to be dragged out in courts. Move back in and file the paperwork so it gets under way.
Moving out is considered the worst mistake a man can make in a divorce so reverse it!! Once you are back in and she is sick of you being around
, she will hopefully sit down with your and agree things amicably so legal bills are minimised.Edited by hyphen on Saturday 7th April 12:17
ironv8 said:
lurked on this thread for a while and am staggered at the bias shown by the family courts towards mothers when children are involved.
Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
Excuse me for saying this, but I think you're probably expecting it !Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
You're being far too soft and in danger of being taken for a mug. I can well understand how you got to the situation, and have a lot of empathy, but it's high time you started reigning in all these crazy expenses. Your wife is running rings around you and needs to start realising that you are no longer a never-ending bank vault.
ironv8 said:
lurked on this thread for a while and am staggered at the bias shown by the family courts towards mothers when children are involved.
Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
That only started up again a few weeks ago; have you made a payment yet? If not, let her take care of that one first, perhaps give her two months grace after before cancelling anything else as it's a biggy, then move on to the frivolous stuff like TV/internet subscriptions one at a time.Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
She's not interested in selling because you're paying and if she's as unreasonable as you say she is then it's unlikely to be on the market any time soon; why should she sell it after all? Free lodging for her and the two
Sorry for sounding rude but she's ripping the piss out of you.
Edited by FN2TypeR on Saturday 7th April 19:49
FN2TypeR said:
That only started up again a few weeks ago; have you made a payment yet? If not, let her take care of that one first, perhaps give her two months grace after before cancelling anything else as it's a biggy, then move on to the frivolous stuff like TV/internet subscriptions one at a time.
He is moving back in today, we hope, 
so he can pay half the council tax. As others have said moving out voluntarily is a really poor decision.
It establishes a status quo of her remaining in the house indefinitely.
You need to stop paying everything apart from the mortgage and building insurance.
That should focus her mind on selling.
As your kids are both adults, the most you need is a 2 bedroom house each.
It establishes a status quo of her remaining in the house indefinitely.
You need to stop paying everything apart from the mortgage and building insurance.
That should focus her mind on selling.
As your kids are both adults, the most you need is a 2 bedroom house each.
You hardly need to be any good at your job if you are representing the wife, and the husband is wealthy!
Milk the bitterness and entitlement as much as you can with your hourly fees, drag it all the way to a final hearing, and let the judge then do the hard work for you anyway!
Money for old rope.
The one thing that also gets my goat, is they call themselves family lawyers, when they do their level best to break down any remnants of that bond, just for financial gain.
The even worse ones are those that milk "collaborative" family law, they know it will go pair shaped by the end anyway but using this method they can drag out their costs further still.
I went to see one of these first, he was soon draining my budget with endless £££££ hourly contact with my exes solicitor whilst achieving the square root of f
k all.
Milk the bitterness and entitlement as much as you can with your hourly fees, drag it all the way to a final hearing, and let the judge then do the hard work for you anyway!
Money for old rope.
The one thing that also gets my goat, is they call themselves family lawyers, when they do their level best to break down any remnants of that bond, just for financial gain.
The even worse ones are those that milk "collaborative" family law, they know it will go pair shaped by the end anyway but using this method they can drag out their costs further still.
I went to see one of these first, he was soon draining my budget with endless £££££ hourly contact with my exes solicitor whilst achieving the square root of f
k all.Edited by PAUL500 on Monday 9th April 16:54
ironv8 said:
lurked on this thread for a while and am staggered at the bias shown by the family courts towards mothers when children are involved.
Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
This is a really simple one surely? There are no children, only young adults in education. So since you're paying for the house and she isn't, surely she moves out and lodges with friends? The young adults can still stay with you when on breaks from uni. Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
Why on earth would you agree to her staying in the house whilst you pay for it all? Madness.
Ari said:
This is a really simple one surely? There are no children, only young adults in education. So since you're paying for the house and she isn't, surely she moves out and lodges with friends? The young adults can still stay with you when on breaks from uni.
Why on earth would you agree to her staying in the house whilst you pay for it all? Madness.
I think most of us are capable of making poor or irational decisions when our whole worlds are imploding and there’s not a damned thing we can do. I know I would do some things differently if I had my time again. Maybe this guy thought if he “gave her some space” she might come round and seek to rebuild the marriage, who knows.Why on earth would you agree to her staying in the house whilst you pay for it all? Madness.
(Now move back in FFS!)
I was determined not to move out, but in the end I could not stand being anywhere near the ex any longer, I still recall the relief on the day when I made an on the spot decision after yet another of the groundhog day arguments, went upstairs, packed a bag and headed off.
I only attempted to move back in when she then went against our financial agreement and she decided to drag it on for another year via the courts, and that's when the old chestnut of an occupation order was played on me.
I only attempted to move back in when she then went against our financial agreement and she decided to drag it on for another year via the courts, and that's when the old chestnut of an occupation order was played on me.
Ari said:
ironv8 said:
lurked on this thread for a while and am staggered at the bias shown by the family courts towards mothers when children are involved.
Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
This is a really simple one surely? There are no children, only young adults in education. So since you're paying for the house and she isn't, surely she moves out and lodges with friends? The young adults can still stay with you when on breaks from uni. Empty nest is exactly what caused our break up, underlying issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of kids. Minor trust issues going back 10 -15 years never really disappeared but ultimately made my life hell, we fell out of love and decided we'd both be better off if I went.
So I moved out of the family home 4 months ago but as my 2 children are 21 and 19 and at Uni, not 100% sure how I stand. Currently still paying ALL the bills for the 4 bed house, her/our car bills and all the kids' spending money. She only has a part time job but refuses to get a 2nd job so is getting by on about £500-600 a month, but that's purely her pocket money. My solicitor says I should gradually stop paying the bills, e.g April cancel Sky/broadband, May stop council tax etc. then she'd have to get another job.
But as the kids are back for easter and will be there for 3 months over Summer I can hear the slagging off Dad will be getting when there's no Sky/Netflix/internet etc. So it looks like I'm gonna have to keep paying until it's all resolved and the house is sold, and it's not even on the market yet as her solicitor told her not to sell it!.
Currently lodging at a good friends (not another women) who isn't rushing me at all, but obviously I'm paying so money a bit tight all round, got a fair bit in savings but as that's all been disclosed to solicitors I can't really touch it.
Oh, and the ex hates my guts and barely communicates unless it's money related.
Hey ho, on the upside, I do love not going home to her every night. Bliss
Why on earth would you agree to her staying in the house whilst you pay for it all? Madness.
Unfortunately as you don't have gumption to move back in again, she's now in the driving seat and will drag this out as long as possible.
You'll probably have to take her to court which is 5 figure sum.
At the very least you need to cancel all the other bills because you're going to need the money
You'll probably have to take her to court which is 5 figure sum.
At the very least you need to cancel all the other bills because you're going to need the money
I came across this thread and feel so lucky that I got divorced in the 80s. No question of pensions, a simple clean break, maintenance agreed, and the government were even good enough when the time came to tell me that I didn't need to pay for my kids at uni because they lived with their mother and that both kids would get a full grant. Even though I was earning a six-figure sum in those days. Ah, the simple life! Oh, and the legal costs for both sides came in at under £1,000.
ironv8 said:
thanks but moving back in is not an option, the few times I've been round its been a slanging match and her ending up in tears. I dreaded coming in after work most nights for years so leaving was the only option. I've suggested I move back in and she moves out but she hasn't got anywhere, oh and of course it's all my fault so why should she be the one to move out. I've managed to get the council tax in her name as she's entitled to a 25% single occupancy discount, so she's just started paying that. Luckily the mortgage is paid off. I think I'm gonna have to just ride it out and start using the savings to pay for things, there'll just be a lot less to be split in the end.
I'm afraid with that attitude and her solicitor you are about to get very skint, very quick.ironv8 said:
thanks but moving back in is not an option, the few times I've been round its been a slanging match and her ending up in tears.
Of course it won't be easy, she loves having the home to herself and you being over won't be welcome, but once she knows you aren't going anywhere, it will calm down.It's short term. Rise above any arguments and keep to yourself.
You can stay out from dusk till dawn and hang out at your mates so it is similar to your current life, just sleep at your own house and leave in morning.
Because neither of you want to be under the same roof, it will make both of you hurry up with the divorce.
Edited by hyphen on Tuesday 10th April 07:01
hyphen said:
ironv8 said:
thanks but moving back in is not an option, the few times I've been round its been a slanging match and her ending up in tears.
Of course it won't be easy, she loves having the home to herself and you being over won't be welcome, but once she knows you aren't going anywhere, it will calm down.It's short term. Rise above any arguments and keep to yourself.
You can stay out from dusk till dawn and hang out at your mates so it is similar to your current life, just sleep at your own house and leave in morning.
Because neither of you want to be under the same roof, it will make both of you hurry up with the divorce.
Edited by hyphen on Tuesday 10th April 07:01
Do the 'kids' honestly believe that 'Dad is the one to blame' ? - again not ideal, but are either of them able to do a little bit of gentle mediation ?
Robertj21a said:
Do the 'kids' honestly believe that 'Dad is the one to blame' ? - again not ideal, but are either of them able to do a little bit of gentle mediation ?
I think it depends on the type of male you are. Dads can care equally about their kids, but some are more the stereotypical less hand on/ or lacks a feminine side/less sensitive type.If you have a strong bond, and since birth have regularly cuddled them/changed nappies/bathed & put hem to bed and so on then that bond should mean the child will love you no matter what, but if you work a lot so they don't see you, or if you are on the other end of the scale say a Jacob Rees-Mogg
with a nanny, away from home a lot and drags them out canvassing at elections time, they may not be as sure of you and side with the stay-at-home mum who has always been on hand to help.So the type of relationship that you had prior to the divorce.
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