Divorcing empty nesters...

[WinstonWolf]

Ari said:

WinstonWolf said:

The time for that is after she's left, not right now

Slowly slowly catchy monkey and all that.

There is no monkey to catch. That's the point.

Custody is weighted heavily in favour of the mother, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to for your own benefit.

I had to wait fifteen years before I could properly tell my ex to fk off. God it felt good

[oldbanger]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Hiding your stuff is another issue (and very very childish of her), but why worry about her stuff? It's not your problem any more, beyond the basic issue of needing to hand over a vacant property at completion. Even if she's still the mother of your child, her chipped ornaments and thrown together boxes of kitchen utensils and pound shop knick knacks aren't your problem. She's going to have to figure out how to do this stuff on her own without your help, just like a young adult leaving the nest, and if you're "helicopter husbanding" her, even from a distance, you might as well stay married. If you can, I would try to count to ten and look the other way as she deals with the means of achieving her end of things - the more you can let go and stop being invested in her life, in her getting it right, the easier the divorce will get.

The electronics, they might appear, they might not. I would personally consider them gone for good and stop worrying about them, as right now it's another lever she thinks she can press to keep you invested in her. If you have cloud backups I would make sure you have everything you need from there and erase/block the iPad asap https://support.apple.com/en-gb/HT201472

Edited by oldbanger on Saturday 18th March 11:29

[Matt UK]

Yeah, agreed, I'd go out for the day with a sincere 'I'll give you some space to do your thing'. No offer to help, but no being in line of sight when she gets it wrong.

If she's rubbish at this sort of stuff because you've always done it, then doing it whilst you're around (and in her mind maybe 'judging her') is not going to do her blood pressure much good. Which in turn means you may get it in the neck at some point. Directly or indirectly.

When my ex and I were splitting up but still living together, we tried to give each other as much space as possible. Not just to respect the other, also for our own sanity.

Go to the gym / a walk / take the kids out / meet a mate for lunch / just sit in the local pub with a newspaper and have a few jars.

I remember that period of things and it can all get very claustrophobic if you're constantly tripping over each other. Work at the time were really impressed with my client focus - I'd never spent so much time travelling

[zarjaz1991]

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, I know this must be a horrendous situation.

But...is it just me that has followed Tonker's posts and maybe has a slight twinge of empathy with his wife?
I mean, from the one side of the story we have heard, it sounds like she's acted horrendously, but when even Tonker's side of the story seems to at times paint him in a rather controlling light, it does make you wonder, if both sides of the story were told, what the picture would be.

Just leave her to it FFS. So what if she can't pack a box properly! I'm quite sure I couldn't, especially in the midst of a stressful situation and a looming deadline. Leave her alone and let her do what she needs to do (or not). Then assess things afterwards.

Edited by zarjaz1991 on Saturday 18th March 13:20

[berlintaxi]

zarjaz1991 said:

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, I know this must be a horrendous situation.

But...is it just me that has followed Tonker's posts and maybe has a slight twinge of empathy with his wife?
I mean, from the one side of the story we have heard, it sounds like she's acted horrendously, but when even Tonker's side of the story seems to at times paint him in a rather controlling light, it does make you wonder, if both sides of the story were told, what the picture would be.

Just leave her to it FFS. So what if she can't pack a box properly! I'm quite sure I couldn't, especially in the midst of a stressful situation and a looming deadline. Leave her alone and let he do what she needs to do (or not). Then asses things afterwards.

Couldn't agree more, imo he doesn't cover himself in glory with his posts on here.

[ClaphamGT3]

But no-one is at their best in these circumstances

[AstonZagato]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

She might have access to your emails, photo stream and iMessages if she has a way of unlocking your iPad. Have you changed the code and cleared the fingerprints?

[singlecoil]

ClaphamGT3 said:

But no-one is at their best in these circumstances

I agree, but nevertheless he isn't coming across very well even allowing for the unpleasant circumstances.

[PAUL500]

When you are living it, you cannot see the wood for the trees. Once he is out of it then the realisation will come that he has simply been used time and time again. Nice guys just get on with it without realising such.

Tonker does not come across as controlling, rather just resigned to the fact over the years that no doubt if you don't do it, it does not get done.

So either you accept that and get used to living in the chaos or you constantly keep sorting out the issues in order to keep some sort of semblance of normality.

Its more reliance played out by the other party than anything else, if they pulled their finger out now and again then you don't have to step in and keep sorting things.

Once the house is sold he will no doubt get on with life, the opposite will be true of his ex when he is no longer there to be the fall guy.

I will provide an example, prior to splitting we bought a lovely American style fridge, crushed ice on demand etc, LED display on the front.

Just before she banished me from the house with the occupation order the fridge started beeping, very much like a car reversing siren, still worked fine apart from that but the LED flashed as well.

One phone call to the engineer in the service manual and it would be sorted for free as I took out lifetime cover.

Fast forward 18 months, final hearing done and dusted she got the lions share of the house but it still needs finishing, suddenly when it finally dawns on her she will get even more money if its back to being pristine its ok for me to attend the house to do so! As I also needed it to sell for maximum £££ I went back and sorted the finishing touches. House valued in court at £435K once I had done my magic it sold for £607K.

As the removals guys are loading everything up, that bloody fridge is still beeping and has been doing so 24/7 for the last 18 months, you can even hear it 2 rooms away!!!!......

Edited by PAUL500 on Saturday 18th March 15:05

[singlecoil]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Well the main thing would be to stop involving yourself in the goings-on. Stop watching her packing, stop providing lifts and pie, don't leave your stuff where it can be got at and made to disappear. It seems to us, (and I realise we aren't there) is that you are providing her with opportunities to do bad stuff that you can then complain about. For the avoidance of doubt, I am NOT saying this is what is actually happening, it just seems that way.

[Robertj21a]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

For what it's worth, I agree that it's best to carry on trying to help wherever possible - after all, you're getting close to that critical time. There's nothing to be gained by changing your approach now.

[jbudgie]

singlecoil said:

ClaphamGT3 said:

But no-one is at their best in these circumstances

I agree, but nevertheless he isn't coming across very well even allowing for the unpleasant circumstances.

Exactly, we only see one side of the story on here.

[CharlesdeGaulle]

jbudgie said:

Exactly, we only see one side of the story on here.

Probably true, but Tonker has never claimed otherwise.

[jbudgie]

CharlesdeGaulle said:

jbudgie said:

Exactly, we only see one side of the story on here.

Probably true, but Tonker has never claimed otherwise.

Can't really, can he ?

[RDMcG]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

I think you are doing just fine. Of course there are multiple sides to a story, but only one that matters...the one your children will believe in the future when they grow up. So, trying to help is a very reasonable way to act. Forget about people saying you are being used. This is a disengagement of your life and naturally very distressing for all concerned. People will say bad things. It happens.Best of luck.

[zarjaz1991]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

But you're doing it again.
Whether she changes her life or not is none of your concern any more. It's not your place to be telling her she "needs to make changes to her life". Seriously, this is just going to wind her up no end. She clearly doesn't WANT your advice on how to run her life, so you should keep it to yourself.

Sorry, sounds harsh but...each time you come out with one of these statements defending your position, there's generally a line in it that makes me feel sorry for your wife.
Leave her alone!

[Storer]

Unfortunately there are many people who think life happens.

It does, but you can manipulate it if you are proactive, positive and determined.

But some just can't see that!
They need someone who can, but have a tendency to reduce that person's efficacy with their constant negative views.

It is usually only a matter of time before that creates too much tension.

[Matt UK]

zarjaz1991 said:

But you're doing it again.
Whether she changes her life or not is none of your concern any more. It's not your place to be telling her she "needs to make changes to her life". Seriously, this is just going to wind her up no end. She clearly doesn't WANT your advice on how to run her life, so you should keep it to yourself.

Sorry, sounds harsh but...each time you come out with one of these statements defending your position, there's generally a line in it that makes me feel sorry for your wife.
Leave her alone!

Logical, rational and easy to say - but with kids involved, especially young kids, it can be very different.

I can't speak for Tonker or his situation, but when splitting up it was important to me that my ex was going to be ok. She was their main carer and they would be living mainly with her. I didn't want them with a parent who wasn't stable or wasn't coping - it could be detrimental to them. Happy parents often bring up happy kids - and the reverse of that may also be true.

Also, if the marriage had been long and you truly loved them back in the day, it's not always easy to just brush that stuff under the carpet and start again - as much as you'd sometimes want to. Again personally I wanted my ex to be happy, to move forward and have a good life in the way she wanted and for me to find that also.
As some bright apart once said, “Holding onto anger towards another is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

There's sometimes no easy way though. The guy is going through the mill and shares it on here - maybe to vent his spleen, get advice, chat it through, whatever - but personally I'll not judge him one way or the other or tell him what his concerns should or shouldn't be. Only he knows that and he'll do what he thinks is the best at every junction.

Edited by Matt UK on Sunday 19th March 00:02

[zarjaz1991]

Matt UK said:

Logical, rational and easy to say - but with kids involved, especially young kids, it can be very different.

I can't speak for Tonker or his situation, but when splitting up it was important to me that my ex was going to be ok. She was their main carer and they would be living mainly with her. I didn't want them with a parent who wasn't stable or wasn't coping - it could be detrimental to them. Happy parents often bring up happy kids - and the reverse of that may also be true.

Also, if the marriage had been long and you truly loved them back in the day, it's not always easy to just brush that stuff under the carpet and start again - as much as you'd sometimes want to. Again personally I wanted my ex to be happy, to move forward and have a good life in the way she wanted and for me to find that also.
As some bright apart once said, “Holding onto anger towards another is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

There's sometimes no easy way though. The guy is going through the mill and shares it on here - maybe to vent his spleen, get advice, chat it through, whatever - but personally I'll not judge him one way or the other or tell him what his concerns should or shouldn't be. Only he knows that and he'll do what he thinks is the best at every junction.

Edited by Matt UK on Sunday 19th March 00:02

The trouble is, looking in from the outside, saying "I'm only interfering with my partner's life because I'm worried about the children" reads like an excuse, not a reason.

The sad reality of these situations is, in many cases, the man is going to have very little involvement or contact with the children going forwards, unless things are especially amicable which seems to rarely be the case. Not giving the mother some space, endlessly trying to control her against her wishes, is simply going to make that worse. Let them have some space, they are probably hurting just as much. With space and time, some of them may come round (in terms of being reasonably amicable, not rescuing the relationship), or perhaps not, but they certainly won't if the father is helicoptering on the grounds of "the children" - it simply isn't going to wash.

[AmitG]

None of my business but I think zarjaz1991 is absolutely right.