Engagement / Relationship Woes
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I think she needs a reality check.
How would it be if you were travelling around the world away for at least one week a month? My Mrs used to complain about my heavy work schedule, but didn't complain about the new Mercedes she drove or the nice house. I told her I could get a job in Sainsbury's and be home at 3pm every day and we could sit in silence in a caravan somewhere thinking how lucky we were that I could get home by 3.
How would it be if you were travelling around the world away for at least one week a month? My Mrs used to complain about my heavy work schedule, but didn't complain about the new Mercedes she drove or the nice house. I told her I could get a job in Sainsbury's and be home at 3pm every day and we could sit in silence in a caravan somewhere thinking how lucky we were that I could get home by 3.
Perhaps you two need to sit down in a room by yourselves, and do some active listening.
The fact you don't understand why she's so p!ssed, and she doesn't understand why you felt it necessary to go away seems to indicate this. You just need to talk it out.
The fact you don't understand why she's so p!ssed, and she doesn't understand why you felt it necessary to go away seems to indicate this. You just need to talk it out.
Edited by ReallyReallyGood on Wednesday 25th January 13:00
Sadly, although there have been attempts to improve it - domestic violence seems to be viewed less seriously when it's the woman hitting the man. If the the OP was a woman and had posted this :
It does sound like the violence escalated so that you were both involved a bit - but whether it was just her or both of you, it does not sound like a long and happy relationship to me. I'd be making an exit plan very quickly.
C.A.R. said:
The next part is not pretty. He's swung at me before, a couple of times, only once doing some proper damage (He threw something at my head - normally He's a sh*t shot, but this split my head). I digress. He starts throwing punches and kicks. One lands on my collar bone / chest.
I doubt you'd find many people who would say you should not be getting married and should get as far away as fast as possible. I realise you have the complication of kids - but personally, if my partner lost her temper enough to be violent to me I'd be worried that it was only me they were going to be violent to.It does sound like the violence escalated so that you were both involved a bit - but whether it was just her or both of you, it does not sound like a long and happy relationship to me. I'd be making an exit plan very quickly.
NickGibbs said:
Key tip: After returning abroad, you've got to come home ready for childcare/cooking/cleaning, all traces of hangover hidden.
This is man-up time, because business travel always looks like the easy option to the partner left at home caring for children, no matter it if really isn't.
Yup. You have to walk in ready for action, ask them how they are, ask them what needs doing, jump too it.This is man-up time, because business travel always looks like the easy option to the partner left at home caring for children, no matter it if really isn't.
Women run on a whole different operating system to men. They don't want to hear tired, groggy, need a sit down. No Sir.
The violence thing, well that's something else. The problem is you will one day snap. You are already putting your hands on her. When you snap 99.9% chance you will be seen as in the wrong. Do you want a Domestic Violence marker on you? No thanks. If you think there is genuine reason that she will turn over a new leaf then maybe - but honestly its the least likely outcome.
As for whats gone on, no normal person reacts the way she did - so there is clearly and underlying issue which you are either not telling us or you don't actually know about.
As you have 2 kids I would probably sit down and talk it over. The fact she is willing to up sticks and leave makes me think there is a lot more going on.
I am not an expert in these matters but I can tell you from personal experience there is nothing worse than trying to deal with an angry Mrs, they bring on a whole new level of crazy for situations just like this.
And my personal tip, next time you are away and you know its going to be a harsh one, add an extra day onto your trip for yourself... come home with a proper nights sleep and not stinking of booze / stripers / nightclubs / vomit.
Did you talk about how much you'd be away before you got the new job, or has this come as a surprise?
Were you 100% honest with her about what you did on the trip? (I'm not suggesting any naughtiness or anything, but it's often easier to say "popped out for a few beers in the hotel" by text message when what actually happened was "popped out for nine pints and a round of the local firewater and now I can barely find the keyboard" - I speak from experience
). If you had a few more than you told her, and she's somehow found out, could this explain her tantrum?
Because that's what this is - a tantrum. What she's actually saying is "I've missed you and I'm glad you're home," but in that special female way where they talk themselves up into a fury and nothing could possibly placate them.
If she tends to express her tantrums physically, though, that's something that you need to talk seriously about and she needs to seek help. It's not acceptable.
Were you 100% honest with her about what you did on the trip? (I'm not suggesting any naughtiness or anything, but it's often easier to say "popped out for a few beers in the hotel" by text message when what actually happened was "popped out for nine pints and a round of the local firewater and now I can barely find the keyboard" - I speak from experience
). If you had a few more than you told her, and she's somehow found out, could this explain her tantrum?Because that's what this is - a tantrum. What she's actually saying is "I've missed you and I'm glad you're home," but in that special female way where they talk themselves up into a fury and nothing could possibly placate them.
If she tends to express her tantrums physically, though, that's something that you need to talk seriously about and she needs to seek help. It's not acceptable.
Davey S2 said:
It doesn't sound too dissimilar to most arguments between couples with young kids
This is why I am so quick to try and get OP to smooth things over and not make any moves he might regret in the future. I have a 1 year old with my wife, and we have had some blazing rows. We have both done the ''engagement ring / wedding ring on the counter'' routine, and she has squared up to me screaming in my face, I have done the banging things hard enough to hurt my fists etc etc and I think people often forget that this is actually part of a relationship. It isn't all sweetness & light, and most relationships will come to the point where they are one step away from ending. This despite me being a much-calmer and much more patient and much much more 'de-escalating' then your average bloke.
I don't have any experience with actual physical contact, my wife has shoved/barged past my hard a few times & I have always walked backwards/sat down on the floor or done *anything* to instantly take us away from that point. It would not take much for me to grab her wrist & expect a solid thump for doing so, which is why i see sense before I go something *as bad* as grabbing a wrist.
I have a daughter from a previous relationship, abit one from University which was never going to work, but a Daughter came out of it none the less. Her mother is in a difficult place and despite my pressurising job, a mortgage, young son, my wife & all the other normal things in life.... 50% of what I loose sleep on is around my daughter. Not seeing her enough, worrying about her upbringing, the good & bad I am not there for. It breaks my heart which is why walking away from a relationship *requiring work* might always seem like a 'grass is greener' situation but it really has a good chance of *not being*. Especially if it is a bad break up, with 2 young children!!
davek_964 said:
Sadly, although there have been attempts to improve it - domestic violence seems to be viewed less seriously when it's the woman hitting the man. If the the OP was a woman and had posted this :
It does sound like the violence escalated so that you were both involved a bit - but whether it was just her or both of you, it does not sound like a long and happy relationship to me. I'd be making an exit plan very quickly.
No you *can't* do that! You can't simply replace she -> he and analysis it. That totally glosses over the fact men are bigger/stronger/more threatening/more intimidating. A women squaring up to you is pretty 'meh' for your average bloke, but a bloke squaring up to a women is a total different picture. ''total equality'' is total bullsC.A.R. said:
The next part is not pretty. He's swung at me before, a couple of times, only once doing some proper damage (He threw something at my head - normally He's a sh*t shot, but this split my head). I digress. He starts throwing punches and kicks. One lands on my collar bone / chest.
I doubt you'd find many people who would say you should not be getting married and should get as far away as fast as possible. I realise you have the complication of kids - but personally, if my partner lost her temper enough to be violent to me I'd be worried that it was only me they were going to be violent to.It does sound like the violence escalated so that you were both involved a bit - but whether it was just her or both of you, it does not sound like a long and happy relationship to me. I'd be making an exit plan very quickly.
t, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man takes is a magnitude more worse then a women. OP - I am really sorry but you are not cleaner then clean in this ''domestic abuse'' situation. You might not have swung at her, but you responded the wrong way to her shoving you. She *WAS* wrong to do this, but you were more wrong to grab her wrist in anger. Each step of this was an escalation & just because she finished it off with a thump does not mean she is the 100% wrong party here.
Edited by Andehh on Wednesday 25th January 13:25
I wonder if the advice would be different if it was a man hitting a woman. To me this need behavior needs closing down quickly or you'll always be worried when you travel for business. We all know it can be a laugh, and it sounds like she is stressed at home so it can cause resentment/issues. But that kind of behavior, in front of the children - not on.
Easy to say that from behind a keyboard and there are two sides to every story but I'd be making it clear that cannot happen again, probably suggestcounselling - joint and single, and certainly sit down an calmly discuss why this happened. Do you have a history of partying? Is she worried about you cheating? Does she resent being a parent, ie. does she have a life of her own?
Whatever happens, and again easy to say, but if this did happen again I'd be off, as soon as you accept that kind of behaviour then you are enabling it, and it will only get worse.
Easy to say that from behind a keyboard and there are two sides to every story but I'd be making it clear that cannot happen again, probably suggestcounselling - joint and single, and certainly sit down an calmly discuss why this happened. Do you have a history of partying? Is she worried about you cheating? Does she resent being a parent, ie. does she have a life of her own?
Whatever happens, and again easy to say, but if this did happen again I'd be off, as soon as you accept that kind of behaviour then you are enabling it, and it will only get worse.
Andehh said:
No you *can't* do that! You can't simply replace she -> he and analysis it. That totally glosses over the fact men are bigger/stronger/more threatening/more intimidating. A women squaring up to you is pretty 'meh' for your average bloke, but a bloke squaring up to a women is a total different picture. ''total equality'' is total bullst, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man does is a magnitude more worse then a women.
You're wrong. Unfortunately such attitudes are prevalent throughout our society which is why so many incidents of men being on the receiving end of domestic violence go unreported. Macho bullst, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man does is a magnitude more worse then a women. - A women slapping a man/punching him is different and I stop short of ever condoning that.
t is just that, bullst. Prizam said:
Its not your fault you work and provide.
My advice? Dont marry her. nothing will change, and when it ends it will cost you a lot more.
It is his fault though if he spends his "work time" out on the piss constantly. I know what some business events are actually like and it's just an excuse for a knees up.My advice? Dont marry her. nothing will change, and when it ends it will cost you a lot more.
Ultimately you have kids and a soon-to-be wife, you should expect some compromise.
OP, you said she complained that getting pissed isn't working, is this a regular occurrence? If so, I can understand why she is upset, maybe she hasn't gone about it the right way, but nevertheless.
I suggest you both sit down and do more listening than talking about how each of you feel and what upsets her or you.
Andehh said:
No you *can't* do that! You can't simply replace she -> he and analysis it. That totally glosses over the fact men are bigger/stronger/more threatening/more intimidating. A women squaring up to you is pretty 'meh' for your average bloke, but a bloke squaring up to a women is a total different picture. ''total equality'' is total bullst, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man takes is a magnitude more worse then a women.
Er, yes you can.t, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man takes is a magnitude more worse then a women. Edited by Andehh on Wednesday 25th January 13:25
I am not disputing that a man hitting a woman will do MUCH more damage than a woman hitting a man. But that does NOT make a woman hitting a man - in several different instances according to the OP - acceptable.
You've basically proved my point - some people think it's OK for women to hit men because it hurts less. b
ks - wait until she gets mad enough to pick a knife up and see if you still think that.Each to their own, but if any woman was violent to me - especially more than once - that's the end, regardless of how much harder I could hit her if I chose.
ozzuk said:
I wonder if the advice would be different if it was a man hitting a woman. To me this need behavior needs closing down quickly or you'll always be worried when you travel for business. We all know it can be a laugh, and it sounds like she is stressed at home so it can cause resentment/issues. But that kind of behavior, in front of the children - not on.
Easy to say that from behind a keyboard and there are two sides to every story but I'd be making it clear that cannot happen again, probably suggestcounselling - joint and single, and certainly sit down an calmly discuss why this happened. Do you have a history of partying? Is she worried about you cheating? Does she resent being a parent, ie. does she have a life of her own?
Whatever happens, and again easy to say, but if this did happen again I'd be off, as soon as you accept that kind of behaviour then you are enabling it, and it will only get worse.
I have already responded to the ''its as bad for a man to hit a women, as it is for a women to hit a man'' with my post above.Easy to say that from behind a keyboard and there are two sides to every story but I'd be making it clear that cannot happen again, probably suggestcounselling - joint and single, and certainly sit down an calmly discuss why this happened. Do you have a history of partying? Is she worried about you cheating? Does she resent being a parent, ie. does she have a life of her own?
Whatever happens, and again easy to say, but if this did happen again I'd be off, as soon as you accept that kind of behaviour then you are enabling it, and it will only get worse.
Everyone is still very quick to advise OP to make some big ultimatums to her & the violence but the second action that was taken WAS HIM GRABBING HER WRIST. She might have started it with a shove BUT he then escalated it up. He escalated it more then ''a shove'' did.
If he had taken a step back from her shoving him, or sat down or put his hand sup and said 'im sorry im sorry im sorry' and she had swung at him I would be totally & utterly on the side of you guys in saying get out, BUT HE DIDNT he choose (in anger) to continue escalating things.
Both need to take their share of responsibility, even if it is 60:40 her fault.
olly22n said:
austinsmirk said:
2 thoughts here:
I know no matter what I actually have to do at work, or hours worked, its far far harder doing child care, when the children are young.
But its not. It really isn't.I know no matter what I actually have to do at work, or hours worked, its far far harder doing child care, when the children are young.
My mates on paternity leave having the life of reilly, just as i did when i was a stay at home dad.
I changed my hours so that I am at home on Fridays to look after my boys, when it was just the eldest it was dead easy for the 1st 2 years, especially when he'd have a 2 hour nap at lunch. Now he is almost 4, no longer napping and always wanting to play its tiring, very tiring. Thankfully my wife is on maternity and i'll only have a few weeks between her going back to work and my eldest starting school where I will be looking after both of them.
Sorry, you need to end this relationship.
Someone who is violent will always be violent, regardless of how many promises they give that it will not happen again. What makes it worse is that if you react in any way she will complain to the police you attacked her and you will be the one hauled before a judge. I called the police three times in similar circumstances, I was outside the house waiting, bloodied and bruised. She claimed self defense and I was the one told to go away for a few hours to calm down (not that I was agitated).
The threat of never seeing your children is worrying. It shows her mentality. Tread carefully.
Good luck.
Someone who is violent will always be violent, regardless of how many promises they give that it will not happen again. What makes it worse is that if you react in any way she will complain to the police you attacked her and you will be the one hauled before a judge. I called the police three times in similar circumstances, I was outside the house waiting, bloodied and bruised. She claimed self defense and I was the one told to go away for a few hours to calm down (not that I was agitated).
The threat of never seeing your children is worrying. It shows her mentality. Tread carefully.
Good luck.
Andehh said:
ozzuk said:
I wonder if the advice would be different if it was a man hitting a woman. To me this need behavior needs closing down quickly or you'll always be worried when you travel for business. We all know it can be a laugh, and it sounds like she is stressed at home so it can cause resentment/issues. But that kind of behavior, in front of the children - not on.
Easy to say that from behind a keyboard and there are two sides to every story but I'd be making it clear that cannot happen again, probably suggestcounselling - joint and single, and certainly sit down an calmly discuss why this happened. Do you have a history of partying? Is she worried about you cheating? Does she resent being a parent, ie. does she have a life of her own?
Whatever happens, and again easy to say, but if this did happen again I'd be off, as soon as you accept that kind of behaviour then you are enabling it, and it will only get worse.
I have already responded to the ''its as bad for a man to hit a women, as it is for a women to hit a man'' with my post above.Easy to say that from behind a keyboard and there are two sides to every story but I'd be making it clear that cannot happen again, probably suggestcounselling - joint and single, and certainly sit down an calmly discuss why this happened. Do you have a history of partying? Is she worried about you cheating? Does she resent being a parent, ie. does she have a life of her own?
Whatever happens, and again easy to say, but if this did happen again I'd be off, as soon as you accept that kind of behaviour then you are enabling it, and it will only get worse.
Everyone is still very quick to advise OP to make some big ultimatums to her & the violence but the second action that was taken WAS HIM GRABBING HER WRIST. She might have started it with a shove BUT he then escalated it up. He escalated it more then ''a shove'' did.
If he had taken a step back from her shoving him, or sat down or put his hand sup and said 'im sorry im sorry im sorry' and she had swung at him I would be totally & utterly on the side of you guys in saying get out, BUT HE DIDNT he choose (in anger) to continue escalating things.
Both need to take their share of responsibility, even if it is 60:40 her fault.
davek_964 said:
Andehh said:
No you *can't* do that! You can't simply replace she -> he and analysis it. That totally glosses over the fact men are bigger/stronger/more threatening/more intimidating. A women squaring up to you is pretty 'meh' for your average bloke, but a bloke squaring up to a women is a total different picture. ''total equality'' is total bullst, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man takes is a magnitude more worse then a women.
Er, yes you can.t, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man takes is a magnitude more worse then a women. Edited by Andehh on Wednesday 25th January 13:25
I am not disputing that a man hitting a woman will do MUCH more damage than a woman hitting a man. But that does NOT make a woman hitting a man - in several different instances according to the OP - acceptable.
You've basically proved my point - some people think it's OK for women to hit men because it hurts less. b
ks - wait until she gets mad enough to pick a knife up and see if you still think that.Each to their own, but if any woman was violent to me - especially more than once - that's the end, regardless of how much harder I could hit her if I chose.
I am ONLY discussing this one incident OP brought up and ONLY this situation., put simply:
He tried to barge past her
She shoved him
He grabbed her wrist
She hit him
He cries foul?
That isn't ''fair'' to load her with full blame.
edit:
WinstonWolf said:
She started it, he reacted. It was only words until *she* started getting physical.
...but he responded in turn? Andehh said:
davek_964 said:
Andehh said:
No you *can't* do that! You can't simply replace she -> he and analysis it. That totally glosses over the fact men are bigger/stronger/more threatening/more intimidating. A women squaring up to you is pretty 'meh' for your average bloke, but a bloke squaring up to a women is a total different picture. ''total equality'' is total bullst, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man takes is a magnitude more worse then a women.
Er, yes you can.t, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man takes is a magnitude more worse then a women. Edited by Andehh on Wednesday 25th January 13:25
I am not disputing that a man hitting a woman will do MUCH more damage than a woman hitting a man. But that does NOT make a woman hitting a man - in several different instances according to the OP - acceptable.
You've basically proved my point - some people think it's OK for women to hit men because it hurts less. b
ks - wait until she gets mad enough to pick a knife up and see if you still think that.Each to their own, but if any woman was violent to me - especially more than once - that's the end, regardless of how much harder I could hit her if I chose.
I am ONLY discussing this one incident OP brought up and ONLY this situation., put simply:
He tried to barge past her
She shoved him
He grabbed her wrist
She hit him
He cries foul?
That isn't ''fair'' to load her with full blame.
Andehh said:
I have already responded to the ''its as bad for a man to hit a women, as it is for a women to hit a man'' with my post above.
Everyone is still very quick to advise OP to make some big ultimatums to her & the violence but the second action that was taken WAS HIM GRABBING HER WRIST. She might have started it with a shove BUT he then escalated it up. He escalated it more then ''a shove'' did.
If he had taken a step back from her shoving him, or sat down or put his hand sup and said 'im sorry im sorry im sorry' and she had swung at him I would be totally & utterly on the side of you guys in saying get out, BUT HE DIDNT he choose (in anger) to continue escalating things.
Both need to take their share of responsibility, even if it is 60:40 her fault.
Maybe he should have waited for her to stab him before he restrained her?Everyone is still very quick to advise OP to make some big ultimatums to her & the violence but the second action that was taken WAS HIM GRABBING HER WRIST. She might have started it with a shove BUT he then escalated it up. He escalated it more then ''a shove'' did.
If he had taken a step back from her shoving him, or sat down or put his hand sup and said 'im sorry im sorry im sorry' and she had swung at him I would be totally & utterly on the side of you guys in saying get out, BUT HE DIDNT he choose (in anger) to continue escalating things.
Both need to take their share of responsibility, even if it is 60:40 her fault.
There is no easy answer to the violence as there are risks for a man reporting it and going down that track.
I do suggest counselling. Nothing to lose by that route.
Could broach it by "we are both under a lot of pressures, right now, want to find a way through this... think we need a neutral party to help us"
I do suggest counselling. Nothing to lose by that route.
Could broach it by "we are both under a lot of pressures, right now, want to find a way through this... think we need a neutral party to help us"
Andehh said:
davek_964 said:
Andehh said:
No you *can't* do that! You can't simply replace she -> he and analysis it. That totally glosses over the fact men are bigger/stronger/more threatening/more intimidating. A women squaring up to you is pretty 'meh' for your average bloke, but a bloke squaring up to a women is a total different picture. ''total equality'' is total bullst, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man takes is a magnitude more worse then a women.
Er, yes you can.t, as man & women are NOT equal on everything. As soon as an argument gets 'up close & personnel'' every action a man takes is a magnitude more worse then a women. Edited by Andehh on Wednesday 25th January 13:25
I am not disputing that a man hitting a woman will do MUCH more damage than a woman hitting a man. But that does NOT make a woman hitting a man - in several different instances according to the OP - acceptable.
You've basically proved my point - some people think it's OK for women to hit men because it hurts less. b
ks - wait until she gets mad enough to pick a knife up and see if you still think that.Each to their own, but if any woman was violent to me - especially more than once - that's the end, regardless of how much harder I could hit her if I chose.
I am ONLY discussing this one incident OP brought up and ONLY this situation., put simply:
He tried to barge past her
She shoved him
He grabbed her wrist
She hit him
He cries foul?
That isn't ''fair'' to load her with full blame.
davek_964 said:
...It does sound like the violence escalated so that you were both involved a bit - but whether it was just her or both of you, it does not sound like a long and happy relationship to me. I'd be making an exit plan very quickly.
It's wrong for her to hit him. It's wrong for him to hit her. It's wrong for them to hit each other. Regardless of which of these it was, violent relationships stay violent relationships and often escalate to worse. He should exit.
And frankly, those of you who think that staying together is "best for the kids" - if this genuinely is a violent relationship then frankly that is not best for the kids.
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