Family Court without a Solicitor - Anyone done it?

[JulianPH]

MikeDrop said:

Update from me.

I went to see a solicitor on Friday and paid for an "initial meeting". We went through the facts and he gave me some useful advice there and then:

• Don't muddy the waters by including "services" (i.e. in my case the phone) in lieu of payment. Cancel and "services", do a calculation on the CSA website and pay that. No if's or buts.
• Don't retaliate to her messages. Sounds obvious, but it was only when I printed screenshots of all our messages that I really realised how much of a dick I sometimes sound.
• Separate the child support issues and the child arrangement issues. The arrangement of care only has an impact on the child support and not the other way around. If that makes sense.

We talked about potential next steps.I discussed the option of something like Julian's letter above and he dismissed it rather quickly, which I thought was odd. Again, citing that we should not be muddying the waters. Instead, he suggested offering her mediation again which he could write to her and ask. If she refused, we could propose an arrangement which will include all holidays and special occasions. If she agrees and signs then great. If not, it's to court.

He asked for a sum of money to put on account there and then so he could "get to work". A sum of money that I cannot currently afford. He also quoted me a rough figure for in the event it does go to court. Which I won't be able to afford in the near future.

So the upshot is, I can't afford the solicitor route. Shock.

The next steps for me is to see whether she is going to continue this behaviour. I've told her I'm cancelling the SIM and increasing my monthly child support payments so that they fall in line with what the CSA calculator says I should be paying based on the historic arrangement. She's told me she will be applying to the CSA based on the reduced access.

All in all, position remains the same albeit with me being a little more informed.

The advice in bullet point 1 is spot on on paper. In the real world it will create a problem for you unless you can convince your ex she is not loosing out on something important to her. I am not disagreeing with this advice, just highlighting the ramifications of it.

Bullet points 2 and 3 are completely correct at every level.

The rest of your email highlights how he wants to walk down his usual route and earn his usual fees, regardless of your circumstances. I am about tomorrow morning if you would like to talk here or privately over the phone.

You need to also contact the CSA to inform them that the mother has reduced your children's access to you in order to move into a different payment band. It may or may not help right now, but having it on record is important if you want to rely upon this later.

[Ari]

MikeDrop said:

I've told her I'm cancelling the SIM and increasing my monthly child support payments so that they fall in line with what the CSA calculator says I should be paying based on the historic arrangement. She's told me she will be applying to the CSA based on the reduced access.

This is an interesting (and very unfortunate) unintended consequence.

Whilst it makes perfect sense that CSA payments are related to how much time the child spends with the non primary carer, it does create an issue whereby the primary carer is actually being financially rewarded the more he/she limits access.

[MikeDrop]

Thought I would give a small, but contrasting (compared to most other outcomes I've read on PH) update to this thread.

So after I saw a solicitor and realised the costs and downstream implications of going to court (with or without legal representation), I sat on things for a while. Every Thursday I asked what time would be best to collect them. Some days she would be fine and I would have them, other days she would stick to her guns.

Roll on a few weeks and we end up having about a 90 minute impromptu phone call where it transpired she was having a particularly tough time in her home life, more specifically with her boyfriend (who is 9 years older than her, him being 36). Anyway, for all of our differences, I'm usually the one she talks to about this sort of thing. Most likely because I've known her for a long time and probably know her better than some her of closest friends and family. The conversation turns to the kids and the debacle of the mobile phone issue where I offer her a replacement phone (Samsung Galaxy S6) as it turned out her existing phone was FUBARd. She accepted and assured me that she would reinstate the existing agreement (So I'd be able to see them every Thurs again )

She was true to her word and generally, our relationship improved. Not so much at eachother's throats, we were amicable and communicating a little more often and efficiently regarding the kiddos.

The latest events might explain why she was acting the way she was. It transpires that the issues she was having with her boyfriend were a little serious that anyone, included herself, realised. Without going into too much detail, it all came to a head last week, unfortunately involving mild violence in front of, and directed towards, my kiddos (the day before my youngest's birthday too . She opened up to me the morning after this happened and explained to me what the relationship had been like over the past 12 months. Nothing short of mental abuse. The stereotypical obsessive possessive behavior. Keeping tabs on her every move, who she speaks to, what her Uni schedule was, guilt trips. Take a dart and throw it at a textbook on obsessive possessive behavior and it would have been displayed.

Since then, she's like a different person. She's a lot more relaxed and we generally get on better than I can remember. We communicate regularly regarding the kids as this latest event really shook them up. We're keeping an eye on her (now ex) boyfriend to make sure he stays well away. The Police are aware. It's an unfortunate circumstance but one that has a large silver lining in that it gave her the exit she was always looking for. Me and my GF spent the day at her house with other friends and family for my youngest's birthday party and the atmosphere was the most relaxed I can remember which is great.

I'd always had my suspicion that he was the one trying to pull the strings as he was very paranoid about her having any form of relationship (it was only ever going to be a mother/father one at the most) with me. It's taught me a lot in how to deal with circumstances. Trying to give benefit of the doubt as nearly always, someone is going through a situation you know nothing about.

Anyway, hopefully we can sustain the current status quo

Thank you all for your advice on this thread, Julian especially for offering support outside of the forum. I'm sorry I didn't take it up, I've always felt guilty about accepting people's support when I'm not in a position to pay/return the favour.

[PAUL500]

I have always said it takes two to tango in these situations, if one side is blinkered then its sheer hell. If you can work together then often a happy medium ground can be reached for all.

Great to hear that common sense has come back into your life, and fingers crossed it remains that way :-)

[keith9849]

The problem is that you either have (or could get) an agreement/order that suits you, but your ex can still behave arbitrarily into the future, and there is very little (affordable) and practical recourse to that.

Your kids will be upset if they see you upset, and you and your ex arguing. Just go with the flow, and as the kids get a little older, and your ex a little less mean (she will find someone else to direct her mean-ness at, for sure) the kids will make their wants known in regard to contact. Things will get better and the kids will have their say. Someone above suggested you spoil them. Don't flash the cash too much, or you'll be hit for more maintenance.

Going to litigation will screw your head up, and spoil any other relationship you have now or in the future, because everything will become about the fight not your relationship with the kids.

Lastly, you need to understand that litigation is a game. Judges aren't wise enough to decide truth from falsehood. In the end they use various ploys to duck out of making a decision (the Court Welfare Officer has the same dilemma), so you would end up with repeated trips to Court over an endless series incidents before any serious consequences would come your ex's way. So you find yourself being railroaded and tied in knots by 'directions' orders and practice rules and procedural c r a p that saps your will to live, your ability to concentrate and work, and your bank account.

Been there seen it and done it.

Get a second (or 22) opinion by all means!). This is one area where advice from a bartender may be the most valuable.

Good luck!