Family Court without a Solicitor - Anyone done it?
Discussion
It took a while but you're in a good place with your son. That's all I want with my kids and I'm fortunate that my kids worship me. What more could a dad want?Having now come out the other side, I still have a great link with my two adopted daughters, like your children they know the truth and will know you did your very best for them in very difficult times and will appreciate all your efforts.
Once its all over it quickly becomes ancient history as you move forward in life with them, that light at the end of the tunnel always seems too far away as you are trudging through the quagmire of a split but you will get there eventually so bear that in mind on those difficult days.
Once its all over it quickly becomes ancient history as you move forward in life with them, that light at the end of the tunnel always seems too far away as you are trudging through the quagmire of a split but you will get there eventually so bear that in mind on those difficult days.
PAUL500 said:
I was a LIP in 2013 when my ex played the occupation order/non molestation game, as I mentioned previously its all down to the judge on the day, even now as to how they view a LIP. Yes since removal of legal aid they are seeing far more, but most do not like it one bit, In time I guess as new fresh young judges come on board it will be more accepted.
An old crusty judge gave her both orders ex parte, I was at the house at the time, none the wiser, looking after my daughters, as the police had removed the ex that weekend under threat of arrest. She went straight to her solicitor and they crafted a clever little story, which a judge fell for hook line and sinker. Next thing I know , knock on the door later that day, 6 coppers telling me I had 15 mins to collect my things and leave the house or be arrested! ex is parked on the drive in her car smirking at me.
I contested the ex parte order as a LIP, first judge I saw was superb, but it had to then go in front of the judge who had made the order. I could have had the pope in there with me backing me up, there was no way the judge was going to admit he was wrong to issue the orders ex parte. that was it, for 12 months I could go no where near my home or my children, and I had to pick up her legal costs on top.
Karma sorted it all out though eventually :-)
Paul that sounds awful but, whatever Karma sorted it, I'm just glad it's sorted. Your later advice on the light at the end of the tunnel is reassuring too, so thanks for that. It's just when you're in the eye of the storm, it's hard to imagine what life will be like in xyz years. An old crusty judge gave her both orders ex parte, I was at the house at the time, none the wiser, looking after my daughters, as the police had removed the ex that weekend under threat of arrest. She went straight to her solicitor and they crafted a clever little story, which a judge fell for hook line and sinker. Next thing I know , knock on the door later that day, 6 coppers telling me I had 15 mins to collect my things and leave the house or be arrested! ex is parked on the drive in her car smirking at me.
I contested the ex parte order as a LIP, first judge I saw was superb, but it had to then go in front of the judge who had made the order. I could have had the pope in there with me backing me up, there was no way the judge was going to admit he was wrong to issue the orders ex parte. that was it, for 12 months I could go no where near my home or my children, and I had to pick up her legal costs on top.
Karma sorted it all out though eventually :-)
JulianPH said:
Go and have a pint! 
I now know what you need to do:
You need to print off all the evidence you have (separately where possible, combined where not) together with a diary of all contact, highlighting when your ex did not turn up for collection and/or changed plans at last minute.
Highlight that she is putting special effort into the kids well-being only on nights they expected to be with you (oldest trick in the book).
Instruct a solicitor to forward these as evidence of her actions with a covering letter that simply reads;
Dear
We have been instructed by our client to confirm your position on matters relating to your joint children.
It is evidenced below that you are preventing the children from continuing with an established routine of parental contact on the basis that you require our client to provide you with a new mobile phone. It is further evidenced that you are reducing the children's contact with their father in order to increase your Child Support payments.
Our experience is that the courts never take kindly to such manoeuvring by a parent to satisfy their own gains at the expense of the children's well-being. Should you seek your own legal representation this will be further confirmed to you.
Our client has already instructed us to commence with court proceedings but is currently going against our advice by wishing to see if this matter can be resolved outside of court and only ratified by a Consent Order within the court.
Our client is offering to purchase the new phone if you agree to minimise the time and expense of protracted court hearings bay agreeing to the Order below.
We expect your response by the the 25th of January at the latest before we commence formal court proceedings.
Yours
If she agrees, I'll pay for the phone!
Well I didn't have time for pint, as it turned out! I now know what you need to do:
You need to print off all the evidence you have (separately where possible, combined where not) together with a diary of all contact, highlighting when your ex did not turn up for collection and/or changed plans at last minute.
Highlight that she is putting special effort into the kids well-being only on nights they expected to be with you (oldest trick in the book).
Instruct a solicitor to forward these as evidence of her actions with a covering letter that simply reads;
Dear
We have been instructed by our client to confirm your position on matters relating to your joint children.
It is evidenced below that you are preventing the children from continuing with an established routine of parental contact on the basis that you require our client to provide you with a new mobile phone. It is further evidenced that you are reducing the children's contact with their father in order to increase your Child Support payments.
Our experience is that the courts never take kindly to such manoeuvring by a parent to satisfy their own gains at the expense of the children's well-being. Should you seek your own legal representation this will be further confirmed to you.
Our client has already instructed us to commence with court proceedings but is currently going against our advice by wishing to see if this matter can be resolved outside of court and only ratified by a Consent Order within the court.
Our client is offering to purchase the new phone if you agree to minimise the time and expense of protracted court hearings bay agreeing to the Order below.
We expect your response by the the 25th of January at the latest before we commence formal court proceedings.
Yours
If she agrees, I'll pay for the phone!
But again, I can't thank you enough for your help Julian, really appreciate it! And as for the offer to buy the phone, it'll be me sending you a bottle of your favorite tipple I think!
I've got in touch with a family member who's a solicitor and he's put me in touch with a family law colleague so hopefully, they won't charge through the nose to get a (pre-written) letter sent out!
MikeDrop said:
I've got in touch with a family member who's a solicitor and he's put me in touch with a family law colleague so hopefully, they won't charge through the nose to get a (pre-written) letter sent out!
Remember they will need to iron out my quick draft. For example I wrote:"We have been instructed by our client to confirm your position on matters relating to your joint children."
This should be;
"We have been instructed by our client to seek confirmation as to your position on matters relating to your joint children."
As I keep saying, my head is still not exactly working properly on day 6 of the flu!
They will then need to add the written evidence you have (screen-shots, etc.) and draft up the Consent Order you wish your ex to agree to in return for something shiny!
Remember, these will be just a very small part of what you would have to do/pay for in any event if it becomes contested, so you are not spending money on anything you would alternatively have to spend money on anyway down the other route.
You are, however, potentially saving the remaining thousands of pounds...
Good luck and let me know if I can provide any further assistance.
Julian
JulianPH said:
They will then need to add the written evidence you have (screen-shots, etc.) and draft up the Consent Order you wish your ex to agree to in return for something shiny!
How essential is it to show his 'evidence' at this stage? Just thinking that as soon as she sees her written messages used in legal stuff against she'll clam up and be very careful about what she says in future when she could potentially write even more 'incriminating' things.mjb1 said:
How essential is it to show his 'evidence' at this stage? Just thinking that as soon as she sees her written messages used in legal stuff against she'll clam up and be very careful about what she says in future when she could potentially write even more 'incriminating' things.
A very valid point. Rule of thumb is if you have enough then use it whilst it is still valid. The flip side is you guarantee not to get any more and alert her to your course of action.To stop it being a simple bet on black or red you have to inject your knowledge (yes, it is effectively gambling with some historic inside knowledge).
First thing, your solicitor's letter can refer to 'available evidence' (or suchlike) and then drip feed it to knock her down. Alternatively the letter can simply refer to the conversations you allege have taken place (regarding contact). You will always be the best placed person to know which route will work better with her.
When it comes to embarking on legal action I have found people either jump in to soon, or wait until the last possible moment. Neither are ideal.
What is your ex like? What is important to her? How is her mindset right now? How/could you change this? All these things matter.
It might be best to PM me,but I'll still be here in the morning until I shake the flu!
Cheers
At this stage, please let me point something out. Your £5k case is already over £10k. This is because with every conversation something else comes out. In the normal world we know about this and, for example, when quoting for a job a decorator will factor in the additional time.
In the legal world this is not a way to save costs, it is THE way of earning fees.
- Yes Sir. £5,000 should cover it.
- They are taking a ridiculous amount of time dragging it on like this, unfortunately this means I shall require another £5k on account to cover my fees and disbursements.
- Two months after this - I feel we have no other option to seek Council. Please set aside a further £5k
You are a fish to a shark, a victim to a serial killer, a terrible jumper to Russell Grant. They will reel you in.
And on it goes...
PM me if you like so we can talk more privately.
Cheers
Julian
Again spot on advice about our friends in the family law money go round,
To combat such I notified my exes solicitor I was representing myself and that all correspondence should be sent directly to me, then as and when I needed real legal advise on a particular matter I met up with my solicitor just to discuss that, find the facts then reply myself.
This saved the game of them sending each other a letter every 5 mins about nothing in particular then billing us both!
I only had representation in the divorce as it came close to the final hearing and then also had to use a barrister, again how someone can fight your case when they have just read some brief notes on the case minutes before going in to see the judge is beyond me.
It was very stressful at times as a result, as the opposite side try to scare you with jargon, but my legal cost was a quarter of my exes. To be honest I was on the back foot from day 1 anyway, I doubt a top QC would have got any better a deal for me, in fact I think if I had rocked up at the final hearing on my own having ignored everything during the process, just wearing shorts and flipflops and called the judge mate I would not have got a worse deal than I did!
To combat such I notified my exes solicitor I was representing myself and that all correspondence should be sent directly to me, then as and when I needed real legal advise on a particular matter I met up with my solicitor just to discuss that, find the facts then reply myself.
This saved the game of them sending each other a letter every 5 mins about nothing in particular then billing us both!
I only had representation in the divorce as it came close to the final hearing and then also had to use a barrister, again how someone can fight your case when they have just read some brief notes on the case minutes before going in to see the judge is beyond me.
It was very stressful at times as a result, as the opposite side try to scare you with jargon, but my legal cost was a quarter of my exes. To be honest I was on the back foot from day 1 anyway, I doubt a top QC would have got any better a deal for me, in fact I think if I had rocked up at the final hearing on my own having ignored everything during the process, just wearing shorts and flipflops and called the judge mate I would not have got a worse deal than I did!
PAUL500 said:
Again spot on advice about our friends in the family law money go round,
To combat such I notified my exes solicitor I was representing myself and that all correspondence should be sent directly to me, then as and when I needed real legal advise on a particular matter I met up with my solicitor just to discuss that, find the facts then reply myself.
This saved the game of them sending each other a letter every 5 mins about nothing in particular then billing us both!
I only had representation in the divorce as it came close to the final hearing and then also had to use a barrister, again how someone can fight your case when they have just read some brief notes on the case minutes before going in to see the judge is beyond me.
It was very stressful at times as a result, as the opposite side try to scare you with jargon, but my legal cost was a quarter of my exes. To be honest I was on the back foot from day 1 anyway, I doubt a top QC would have got any better a deal for me, in fact I think if I had rocked up at the final hearing on my own having ignored everything during the process, just wearing shorts and flipflops and called the judge mate I would not have got a worse deal than I did!
You are spot on and this is something I tried to highlight earlier in the thread. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter what has gone on before the final hearing when your barrister assesses your ability to cope under cross examination (as does your ex's with her) and both barristers decide that given each client could be torn apart on the stand they go back and forth to arrive at what you both should have agreed to on day one.To combat such I notified my exes solicitor I was representing myself and that all correspondence should be sent directly to me, then as and when I needed real legal advise on a particular matter I met up with my solicitor just to discuss that, find the facts then reply myself.
This saved the game of them sending each other a letter every 5 mins about nothing in particular then billing us both!
I only had representation in the divorce as it came close to the final hearing and then also had to use a barrister, again how someone can fight your case when they have just read some brief notes on the case minutes before going in to see the judge is beyond me.
It was very stressful at times as a result, as the opposite side try to scare you with jargon, but my legal cost was a quarter of my exes. To be honest I was on the back foot from day 1 anyway, I doubt a top QC would have got any better a deal for me, in fact I think if I had rocked up at the final hearing on my own having ignored everything during the process, just wearing shorts and flipflops and called the judge mate I would not have got a worse deal than I did!
Unfortunately the ex-wife has been so inflated during the whole process that she often walks away with a better deal than she should and you have become so deflated and just want to bring an end to matters, that is no insight on the same day, that you end up agreeing to it.
Virtually everything that happened getting to this point was a complete and utter waste of time and based much more on heated emptions (on both sides) rather than relevant facts that would end up shaping matters.
The problem in my case is that my ex simply refused to negotiate anything at all right throughout the process, my solicitor/barrister every time we had to attend court would go off to see hers, and quickly come back shaking their heads, total refusal to come to any sort of deal.
The other problem was she used a self employed tag team of husband and wife solicitor/barrister who worked from their own home, it was totally in their financial interest to convince her to push it right through to the final hearing. They even had her paying their fees straight away each time via a loan agreement also sorted by them.
When the opposite side acts like that, you are simply along for the ride until it reaches its legal conclusion, there is nothing you can do to halt it.
Her barrister when the judge later gave his summing up in court after the final hearing (whole day) even appealed the decision on the spot (my solicitor was shocked) and when that failed then tried to convince the ex to appeal within the 28 day deadline after, but by then even she realised she had been given the deal of the century and did not want to risk it.
My god, when I read this through I wonder how the hell I am still here after all that back then!
The other problem was she used a self employed tag team of husband and wife solicitor/barrister who worked from their own home, it was totally in their financial interest to convince her to push it right through to the final hearing. They even had her paying their fees straight away each time via a loan agreement also sorted by them.
When the opposite side acts like that, you are simply along for the ride until it reaches its legal conclusion, there is nothing you can do to halt it.
Her barrister when the judge later gave his summing up in court after the final hearing (whole day) even appealed the decision on the spot (my solicitor was shocked) and when that failed then tried to convince the ex to appeal within the 28 day deadline after, but by then even she realised she had been given the deal of the century and did not want to risk it.
My god, when I read this through I wonder how the hell I am still here after all that back then!
MikeDrop said:
Update from me is she's refusing access tonight too 
Chin up buddy. Been there myself, long time ago so my input wont be up to date for this thread.
Some things dont change. I do remember the pain. The pain of feeling like your heart had been ripped out and put through a cheese grater. The knot in the stomach,the lack of sleep,the feeling of total stress,wondering if being dead would be easier.
What ever you do, never raise your voice to your ex,and never ever argue with her. You will have to bite your tongue. Its so easy for them to claim aggressive behaviour,and once they convince the world of that you are f
ked. Avoid Caffcass or whatever its called these days, they never side with the Father. Keep all correspondence with the ex,and try to communicate using text,email,social media-stuff that can used as evidence later. It also allows you to take a deep breath and compose a calm answer when she says something nasty
I went to court with no solicitor, it seriously put her solicitors plan out of order,she was expecting the usual tit for tat lets empty their wallets nonsense.
I just sat their and calmly explained to the judge that we had been to court three times now and my only interest was that my children should be able to have a relationship with their father.
I still have every sympathy for the Fathers for Justice guys,and believe the system in this country is badly wrong and in these supposedly enlightened times family law needs changing.
I cannot understand how any "family" lawyer can sleep at night,they cause so much heartache and emotional turmoil for all parties concerned.
To all of you experiencing this,you have the strength to deal with it,you have to step up,your kids need you to step up,you cannot leave them in a toxic environment too scared to tell mummy they want to see daddy.
Good luck to you all
PAUL500 said:
The problem in my case is that my ex simply refused to negotiate anything at all right throughout the process, my solicitor/barrister every time we had to attend court would go off to see hers, and quickly come back shaking their heads, total refusal to come to any sort of deal.
The other problem was she used a self employed tag team of husband and wife solicitor/barrister who worked from their own home, it was totally in their financial interest to convince her to push it right through to the final hearing. They even had her paying their fees straight away each time via a loan agreement also sorted by them.
When the opposite side acts like that, you are simply along for the ride until it reaches its legal conclusion, there is nothing you can do to halt it.
Her barrister when the judge later gave his summing up in court after the final hearing (whole day) even appealed the decision on the spot (my solicitor was shocked) and when that failed then tried to convince the ex to appeal within the 28 day deadline after, but by then even she realised she had been given the deal of the century and did not want to risk it.
My god, when I read this through I wonder how the hell I am still here after all that back then!
Paul - I feel for you there. I'm lucky that I know the ex doesn't have the financial means to pay for such services. I'm not even sure she's entitled to Legal Aid (on the grounds there is no DV involved). The other problem was she used a self employed tag team of husband and wife solicitor/barrister who worked from their own home, it was totally in their financial interest to convince her to push it right through to the final hearing. They even had her paying their fees straight away each time via a loan agreement also sorted by them.
When the opposite side acts like that, you are simply along for the ride until it reaches its legal conclusion, there is nothing you can do to halt it.
Her barrister when the judge later gave his summing up in court after the final hearing (whole day) even appealed the decision on the spot (my solicitor was shocked) and when that failed then tried to convince the ex to appeal within the 28 day deadline after, but by then even she realised she had been given the deal of the century and did not want to risk it.
My god, when I read this through I wonder how the hell I am still here after all that back then!
bristolracer said:
Chin up buddy.
Been there myself, long time ago so my input wont be up to date for this thread.
Some things dont change. I do remember the pain. The pain of feeling like your heart had been ripped out and put through a cheese grater. The knot in the stomach,the lack of sleep,the feeling of total stress,wondering if being dead would be easier.
What ever you do, never raise your voice to your ex,and never ever argue with her. You will have to bite your tongue. Its so easy for them to claim aggressive behaviour,and once they convince the world of that you are fked.
Avoid Caffcass or whatever its called these days, they never side with the Father. Keep all correspondence with the ex,and try to communicate using text,email,social media-stuff that can used as evidence later. It also allows you to take a deep breath and compose a calm answer when she says something nasty
I went to court with no solicitor, it seriously put her solicitors plan out of order,she was expecting the usual tit for tat lets empty their wallets nonsense.
I just sat their and calmly explained to the judge that we had been to court three times now and my only interest was that my children should be able to have a relationship with their father.
I still have every sympathy for the Fathers for Justice guys,and believe the system in this country is badly wrong and in these supposedly enlightened times family law needs changing.
I cannot understand how any "family" lawyer can sleep at night,they cause so much heartache and emotional turmoil for all parties concerned.
To all of you experiencing this,you have the strength to deal with it,you have to step up,your kids need you to step up,you cannot leave them in a toxic environment too scared to tell mummy they want to see daddy.
Good luck to you all
Thanks for the encouragement. Been there myself, long time ago so my input wont be up to date for this thread.
Some things dont change. I do remember the pain. The pain of feeling like your heart had been ripped out and put through a cheese grater. The knot in the stomach,the lack of sleep,the feeling of total stress,wondering if being dead would be easier.
What ever you do, never raise your voice to your ex,and never ever argue with her. You will have to bite your tongue. Its so easy for them to claim aggressive behaviour,and once they convince the world of that you are f
ked. Avoid Caffcass or whatever its called these days, they never side with the Father. Keep all correspondence with the ex,and try to communicate using text,email,social media-stuff that can used as evidence later. It also allows you to take a deep breath and compose a calm answer when she says something nasty
I went to court with no solicitor, it seriously put her solicitors plan out of order,she was expecting the usual tit for tat lets empty their wallets nonsense.
I just sat their and calmly explained to the judge that we had been to court three times now and my only interest was that my children should be able to have a relationship with their father.
I still have every sympathy for the Fathers for Justice guys,and believe the system in this country is badly wrong and in these supposedly enlightened times family law needs changing.
I cannot understand how any "family" lawyer can sleep at night,they cause so much heartache and emotional turmoil for all parties concerned.
To all of you experiencing this,you have the strength to deal with it,you have to step up,your kids need you to step up,you cannot leave them in a toxic environment too scared to tell mummy they want to see daddy.
Good luck to you all
Found it very difficult today, as she even refused to let me speak to them on the phone. This latest knee jerk reaction is based on the kids seeing an ex boyfriend of hers(who I'm very good mates with) on the weekend, which she too exception to so, naturally, has decided to stop me seeing them. I've kept all the messages and will be collating a file of screenshots etc. that are "damning" to her cause.
There just doesn't seem to be any reasoning with her anymore so think the only route now is court - with or without representation.
I'll let you know how my chat with the solicitor goes on Friday.
A friend is still going through similar after everything was agreed in court, his ex still makes last minute changes to the access arrangements. Last week he went to pick up both his children to find she had enrolled them in after school club, but only on the day he collects them from school, so he had to spend the first 2 hours of his contact just sat in his car waiting for it to finish. This is 2 years after the divorce and childcare arrangements were finalised, she just cannot let go.
Update from me.
I went to see a solicitor on Friday and paid for an "initial meeting". We went through the facts and he gave me some useful advice there and then:
He asked for a sum of money to put on account there and then so he could "get to work". A sum of money that I cannot currently afford. He also quoted me a rough figure for in the event it does go to court. Which I won't be able to afford in the near future.
So the upshot is, I can't afford the solicitor route. Shock.
The next steps for me is to see whether she is going to continue this behaviour. I've told her I'm cancelling the SIM and increasing my monthly child support payments so that they fall in line with what the CSA calculator says I should be paying based on the historic arrangement. She's told me she will be applying to the CSA based on the reduced access.
All in all, position remains the same albeit with me being a little more informed.
I went to see a solicitor on Friday and paid for an "initial meeting". We went through the facts and he gave me some useful advice there and then:
- Don't muddy the waters by including "services" (i.e. in my case the phone) in lieu of payment. Cancel and "services", do a calculation on the CSA website and pay that. No if's or buts.
- Don't retaliate to her messages. Sounds obvious, but it was only when I printed screenshots of all our messages that I really realised how much of a dick I sometimes sound.
- Separate the child support issues and the child arrangement issues. The arrangement of care only has an impact on the child support and not the other way around. If that makes sense.
He asked for a sum of money to put on account there and then so he could "get to work". A sum of money that I cannot currently afford. He also quoted me a rough figure for in the event it does go to court. Which I won't be able to afford in the near future.
So the upshot is, I can't afford the solicitor route. Shock.
The next steps for me is to see whether she is going to continue this behaviour. I've told her I'm cancelling the SIM and increasing my monthly child support payments so that they fall in line with what the CSA calculator says I should be paying based on the historic arrangement. She's told me she will be applying to the CSA based on the reduced access.
All in all, position remains the same albeit with me being a little more informed.
PAUL500 said:
A friend is still going through similar after everything was agreed in court, his ex still makes last minute changes to the access arrangements. Last week he went to pick up both his children to find she had enrolled them in after school club, but only on the day he collects them from school, so he had to spend the first 2 hours of his contact just sat in his car waiting for it to finish. This is 2 years after the divorce and childcare arrangements were finalised, she just cannot let go.
The range, ability, amount, frequency and regularity of dick moves a resident parent can make is impossible to exhaust.That's why the current system is an abject failure and why, imo, there won't ever be a proper resolution to parental alienation or bitter, nasty resident parents.
Why is it the 'government' gets involved for free to resolve financial support claims, but when it comes to actual parenting the non resident has to fork out many many many thousands?.
I couldn't afford it, so I succumbed to being closed out.
I could stay silent, and be 'a dad that doesn't care'
I could get angry, and show how and why the child is better off without me.
Or I can continue regular consistent messages of love, hope and positivity.....
Its a completely f
ked up situation with no solution, regardless of how powerful and rich you are....My own family court struggle was resolved around 6 years ago luckily so at this point I can only empathise with your situation and hope the kids get the outcome that is best for them and you're not hard done by.
My own was initially resolved with 50/50 shared care (Joint Residence Order) after much pushing on my end. It was more complex than your situation given my ex, at that point, was being given mental health treatment and there were in all 4 court appearances over 15 months. Also, we were very young at 19/20.
Luckily the routine that was in place over those 15 months was shared care, again much pushing my end against Social Services. The court decided this routine should continue for my son and gave the joint residence order. My ex wanted me to just have Friday and Saturday nights.
I didn't get legal aid, it cost my family and I about £3500. I'm eternally grateful to my mum and grandparents for the financial support during that time. Even just 6 years ago the mediation route wasn't so readily available but Cafcass correspondence was very useful.
My own was initially resolved with 50/50 shared care (Joint Residence Order) after much pushing on my end. It was more complex than your situation given my ex, at that point, was being given mental health treatment and there were in all 4 court appearances over 15 months. Also, we were very young at 19/20.
Luckily the routine that was in place over those 15 months was shared care, again much pushing my end against Social Services. The court decided this routine should continue for my son and gave the joint residence order. My ex wanted me to just have Friday and Saturday nights.
I didn't get legal aid, it cost my family and I about £3500. I'm eternally grateful to my mum and grandparents for the financial support during that time. Even just 6 years ago the mediation route wasn't so readily available but Cafcass correspondence was very useful.
My situation has progressed somewhat as well. My ex took another overdose of a prescription medicine last weekend (she previously did the same about 2 months ago, and before that has a long history of overdoses and self harm from before we had kids). She's sort of making out that it wasn't deliberate/playing it down, but the text message she sent me at the time is unmistakably deliberate suicide attempt/attention seeking. Last time she phoned herself an ambulance, so presuming did the same this time. She'd been in hospital 24 hours before I got any further contact/found out where she was.
The kids were in my care at the time (as they were previously), but the hospital somehow picked up about the kids and referred to social services to check their whereabouts/welfare (again). They got my phone number via their school and contacted me Tuesday. Said they'd try to get her medical situation/details released to me on grounds of needing to know for kids welfare, but nothing has come back to me from that. Social services said they were satisfied that the kids were safe in my care, and that they should stay with me until she's 'better'. They advised me to apply for a residence order to make me primary carer and prohibited steps order to try and prevent her absconding/relocating with the kids.
I've been so busy holding everything together with the kids (alongside trying to keep my business running and finding out what's going on with the ex in between doing the school runs of 60 miles/day), that I've not yet had chance to get anywhere with the legals. Been operating on about 3 hours sleep every night. Solicitor that I spoke to previously, and seemed really on the ball, has been tied up with court appearances last couple of days (and will be again on Monday), so I've got even had a conversation with her about it. Not sure whether to try and fill out the c100 form (I think that's the right one) myself or to wait for solicitor (or try and find another one on Monday).
Meanwhile ex got released from hospital Thursday (kept her in that long apparently for medical reasons rather than psychiatric, but I do know that she had a couple of mental health assessments whilst in there), and has been asking for the kids to go back to her (as they would have done on Tuesday under our normal pattern of care. I've tried telling her that I've been advised that they shouldn't go back into her care yet (and today I received a letter from SS saying that they they'd want to know about it if the kids did go back to her, but they didn't send same letter to her). Apparently she's had no direct contact at all from social services, and the social worker that initially dealt with it only works Mon-Weds to neither of us have been able to speak to her later half of the week. Mental health assessments have apparently concluded that she's only a danger to herself (brilliant that is, but indirectly it is having an effect on the kids, and evn more so on me, trying to hold everything together while she wallows in self pity in a hospital bed).
Ex is saying she'd done everything that's been asked of her (not sure what exactly, but she saw her alcohol counsellor yesterday), and has restarted her 'antabuse' meds since the problems are almost always drink related. She's also spoken to her ISVA (Independent sexual violence advisor), who is telling her that she's doing amazingly well in the circumstances, it's not her fault etc - she was apparently raped 6 months ago. Although frankly, given her sexual habits before and since that event, and how it came about, I'm doubtful that it has much of a bearing, and could possibly be interpreted as a form of self inflicted harm. I'm guessing her ISVA has no idea about all the background, or a full picture of her mental health. 'Helpfully', she's been advised not to be in her own company for a while, which she's using as a reason for the kids to go back to her!
So far I've kept the kids with me, although they have had some contact with her, for their own sake really, as they don't understand fully what's going on (I didn't even tell them she was in hospital at the time), and planning more contact with her over the weekend (we can generally get along without arguing). But but she's keen to have them back properly next Tuesday. I was hoping to have been able to get court forms submitted by then. She keeps asking me if she needs to get legal advice, and if I'm taking the kids away (and today she said to me that she'd top herself if that happened). She also keeps going on about us getting back together to 'try again' (not going to happen), and that otherwise she's moving to the other end of the country (in her mind taking the kids with her).
By coincidence, I came across this bloke the other day: https://www.shoutforyou.co.uk/a-mckenzie-friend/. Not sure whether he could be a good substitute for proper legal representation (at least in the early stages)? He claims to have a law degree and be part qualified as a barrister, but then why would he be doing what he is (charging £35/hr for legal advice and acting as a Mckenzie friend) instead of practising properly?
The kids were in my care at the time (as they were previously), but the hospital somehow picked up about the kids and referred to social services to check their whereabouts/welfare (again). They got my phone number via their school and contacted me Tuesday. Said they'd try to get her medical situation/details released to me on grounds of needing to know for kids welfare, but nothing has come back to me from that. Social services said they were satisfied that the kids were safe in my care, and that they should stay with me until she's 'better'. They advised me to apply for a residence order to make me primary carer and prohibited steps order to try and prevent her absconding/relocating with the kids.
I've been so busy holding everything together with the kids (alongside trying to keep my business running and finding out what's going on with the ex in between doing the school runs of 60 miles/day), that I've not yet had chance to get anywhere with the legals. Been operating on about 3 hours sleep every night. Solicitor that I spoke to previously, and seemed really on the ball, has been tied up with court appearances last couple of days (and will be again on Monday), so I've got even had a conversation with her about it. Not sure whether to try and fill out the c100 form (I think that's the right one) myself or to wait for solicitor (or try and find another one on Monday).
Meanwhile ex got released from hospital Thursday (kept her in that long apparently for medical reasons rather than psychiatric, but I do know that she had a couple of mental health assessments whilst in there), and has been asking for the kids to go back to her (as they would have done on Tuesday under our normal pattern of care. I've tried telling her that I've been advised that they shouldn't go back into her care yet (and today I received a letter from SS saying that they they'd want to know about it if the kids did go back to her, but they didn't send same letter to her). Apparently she's had no direct contact at all from social services, and the social worker that initially dealt with it only works Mon-Weds to neither of us have been able to speak to her later half of the week. Mental health assessments have apparently concluded that she's only a danger to herself (brilliant that is, but indirectly it is having an effect on the kids, and evn more so on me, trying to hold everything together while she wallows in self pity in a hospital bed).
Ex is saying she'd done everything that's been asked of her (not sure what exactly, but she saw her alcohol counsellor yesterday), and has restarted her 'antabuse' meds since the problems are almost always drink related. She's also spoken to her ISVA (Independent sexual violence advisor), who is telling her that she's doing amazingly well in the circumstances, it's not her fault etc - she was apparently raped 6 months ago. Although frankly, given her sexual habits before and since that event, and how it came about, I'm doubtful that it has much of a bearing, and could possibly be interpreted as a form of self inflicted harm. I'm guessing her ISVA has no idea about all the background, or a full picture of her mental health. 'Helpfully', she's been advised not to be in her own company for a while, which she's using as a reason for the kids to go back to her!
So far I've kept the kids with me, although they have had some contact with her, for their own sake really, as they don't understand fully what's going on (I didn't even tell them she was in hospital at the time), and planning more contact with her over the weekend (we can generally get along without arguing). But but she's keen to have them back properly next Tuesday. I was hoping to have been able to get court forms submitted by then. She keeps asking me if she needs to get legal advice, and if I'm taking the kids away (and today she said to me that she'd top herself if that happened). She also keeps going on about us getting back together to 'try again' (not going to happen), and that otherwise she's moving to the other end of the country (in her mind taking the kids with her).
By coincidence, I came across this bloke the other day: https://www.shoutforyou.co.uk/a-mckenzie-friend/. Not sure whether he could be a good substitute for proper legal representation (at least in the early stages)? He claims to have a law degree and be part qualified as a barrister, but then why would he be doing what he is (charging £35/hr for legal advice and acting as a Mckenzie friend) instead of practising properly?
mjb1 said:
My situation has progressed somewhat as well...
Your situation is very serious and no forum advice is going to provide meaningful help.As social services are already involved you need to rely on them further and get in front of a judge very quickly.
Do NOT, in the meantime, allow your kids to go back to your ex or even spend unsupervised time with her.Dong so will reflect very badly on you and your cause. Do, however, allow her as much supervised access to the kids as you can until you have been in front of a judge.
The McKenzie Friend you linked to seems well meaning, but the information on his site is woeful and you should aviod this route at all costs. PM me if you like.
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