Any other expectant Dads?

[thainy77]

I live and work in Greece, i get a whole two days off for the birth! I was quite surprised considering they are very family orientated over here and they will do anything to get out of work .

I forgot to mention in my previous post but we have the below, they save getting out of bed which is a royal PITA if the baby wants feeding 4+ times a night.

http://www.snuz.co.uk/snuzpod-bedside-crib/

[TwistingMyMelon]

Hub said:

SpeckledJim said:

I'll be the lone voice that says don't worry about routine.

We didn't with ours, and whilst friends were dashing about trying to fit everyone's life around The Routine, we just brought our kids with us and let them eat and nap as-and-when it was practical.

Life is complicated enough without having to design it to accommodate a number of additional fixed hard-points.

Just our experience, everyone will do it their own way.

You do what works best. For us, my daughter is not a sleepy child and grumpy when tired so sleep had to be managed (and still does). I was jealous of parents in cafes and restaurants with the baby fast asleep in the pushchair. Ours would wake up as soon as you stopped or there was a noise (too nosy!) and then that was it - 5 or 10 mins nap, overtired! Or now, if she has any sort of afternoon nap then she won't be asleep before 9 or 10pm, and so then you get fussing and lose an evening! So managing through routine or staying in if necessary made life easier.

Yeah we have never done routine, im not knocking those that do, but for us we just go with the flow, its meant my 2 year old is often up at 10pm, but thats good as I get 2-3 hours with her every night and she sleeps in until 9am

Otherwise never really done routine with kids and just go with the flow

[Eddie Strohacker]

We made the mistake of trying to put routine in from the word go. It is a mantra you hear from all sides, routine, routine, routine & it's the way to go. However, in the early days, they're the boss, not you.

You have to accept they'll demand feeds & sleeps when they need them & only when you can move the whole game on a bit can you realistically introduce meaningful routine, although we absolutely did & it worked exactly as intended.

[BoRED S2upid]

Good luck all you first time dads and enjoy sleep now while you can as it's soon to be a long forgotten dream sleep deprivation is the single hardest thing to cope with!

Yes my day did start at 3 something AM this morning YAWN.

[joestifff]

SpeckledJim said:

I'll be the lone voice that says don't worry about routine.

We didn't with ours, and whilst friends were dashing about trying to fit everyone's life around The Routine, we just brought our kids with us and let them eat and nap as-and-when it was practical.

Life is complicated enough without having to design it to accommodate a number of additional fixed hard-points.

Just our experience, everyone will do it their own way.

Although I went on about having a routine, I will completely agree with this, and this actually shows how much I forgot!

For the first few months (about 4 I think), we did not have a routine. Sophie would sleep when she wanted, sometimes she was up with us till 11pm, if not later. We could take her anywhere, she'd lay there or sleep.

After this, when she was becoming more aware, we started the routine, bed time routine has been so important.

Every single child is different, just like us as adults. My wife got so worked up she was only napping twice a day at most, for an absolute maximum of 30 minutes a nap. Most babies nap for a lot longer. This was all she required. So if yours does something different, please don't worry, please don't compare, you will drive yourself mad.

Baby mostly knows what they want. Go with it. Don't let people tell you they must eat x amount, or must sleep for y length of time. We are all different. I cope fine on 6 hours broken sleep, my wife needs closer to 8!

[joestifff]

Shakermaker said:

Here's a question for those of you with children:

What did you get from your employer in the way of time off when the baby arrived?

My company policy is that I am entitled to the basic, 2 weeks of paternity leave at whatever pittance they can get away with as a minimum. I'd certainly be looking to take off an extra couple of weeks, if I can.

But I really want to know how best to approach asking them for what I really want: A month off, paid, in addition to my normal leave entitlement. I don't know how likely this is, but I think I have a few things running in my favour:

I will have been with the company for 14.5 years at around the time of the due date, and I would hope that given I'm still there, I have made a good impression. I believe I am well liked by the senior team members. I also know the value of discretion - if I did get what I wanted, I wouldn't be bragging about it to all the others in the company who might be also expectant dads/mums etc.

We get 2 weeks paternity and that is it.

I took that, then went to work for a week, then had two weeks of working afternoons only which was fantastic, could do the washing, cleaning, help in anyway possible then go off for a few hours of relax time at work for me, and get my wife used to just the two of them.

Worked well for us.

[PostHeads123]

Shakermaker said:

Here's a question for those of you with children:

What did you get from your employer in the way of time off when the baby arrived?

My company policy is that I am entitled to the basic, 2 weeks of paternity leave at whatever pittance they can get away with as a minimum. I'd certainly be looking to take off an extra couple of weeks, if I can.

But I really want to know how best to approach asking them for what I really want: A month off, paid, in addition to my normal leave entitlement. I don't know how likely this is, but I think I have a few things running in my favour:

I will have been with the company for 14.5 years at around the time of the due date, and I would hope that given I'm still there, I have made a good impression. I believe I am well liked by the senior team members. I also know the value of discretion - if I did get what I wanted, I wouldn't be bragging about it to all the others in the company who might be also expectant dads/mums etc.

Look into shared parental leave in came in a few years ago, employers do not like it so don't tell you much about but basically if the mother was in full time employment and is on maternity leave you can use some of the 39 weeks leave if she doesn't use it all. The good thing about it is if "your" employer give new mothers 'paid' maternity leave say 3 months 'You' would also be entitled to be paid for the part of the shared maternity leave you took. There are some deadlines though you have to meet you have to let your employer know this is you intention a few months after baby is born.

In my case new mothers get 6 months paid maternity from my employer, my misses did 35 weeks of her 39 so I could of taken the remaining 4 weeks and got fall pay it, this is on top of the 2 weeks you get. HR don't like it and they don't advertise it, I only became away of it when I read an article in the paper about something like only 1-2% of fathers taken it up, by the time I found out I had missed the deadline.

Edited by PostHeads123 on Thursday 6th July 12:44

Edited by PostHeads123 on Thursday 6th July 12:45

[shikari83]

We have one (our first) due late November. Had the 20 week scan and all looks ok so far.

We're having a boy so I'll be able to buy lots of awesome toys and take him to BTCC races Quite a while before that stage though.

Will be following this thread closely for advice and tips. The impending lack of sleep worries me as I barely function on anything less than 7 hours!

[scherzkeks]

thainy77 said:

I live and work in Greece, i get a whole two days off for the birth! I was quite surprised considering they are very family orientated over here and they

Utter insanity.

I moved to Germany from the US (where one also gets a paltry amount of time), and in Germany, you have 3 years during which your employer must hold your position for you.

My wife took 2 years, and I took 6 months in total. What a blessing. Had lots of family time at home and even took an extended vacation.

[captainzep]

Threads like this pop up from time to time. Lots of helpful experiences and tips, some views agree some don't.

There's no instruction manual, a lot of good parenting is just doing the right thing not the easiest thing. That's why lives change so much because your own interests come second.

For me the relationship with wife/partner is key. Communicating, sharing, empathising, compromising.

-You'll relax and enjoy the great times with kids if you can do the above during the tough times with kids ...and there will be tough times.

Mine are now 9 and 11. Seems like yesterday i was cradling the first one without a clue what to do. Night and day blurred. Sleep can become the oxygen you gasp for. You get through it though.

[Max5476]

PostHeads123 said:

Shakermaker said:

Here's a question for those of you with children:

What did you get from your employer in the way of time off when the baby arrived?

My company policy is that I am entitled to the basic, 2 weeks of paternity leave at whatever pittance they can get away with as a minimum. I'd certainly be looking to take off an extra couple of weeks, if I can.

But I really want to know how best to approach asking them for what I really want: A month off, paid, in addition to my normal leave entitlement. I don't know how likely this is, but I think I have a few things running in my favour:

I will have been with the company for 14.5 years at around the time of the due date, and I would hope that given I'm still there, I have made a good impression. I believe I am well liked by the senior team members. I also know the value of discretion - if I did get what I wanted, I wouldn't be bragging about it to all the others in the company who might be also expectant dads/mums etc.

Look into shared parental leave in came in a few years ago, employers do not like it so don't tell you much about but basically if the mother was in full time employment and is on maternity leave you can use some of the 39 weeks leave if she doesn't use it all. The good thing about it is if "your" employer give new mothers 'paid' maternity leave say 3 months 'You' would also be entitled to be paid for the part of the shared maternity leave you took. There are some deadlines though you have to meet you have to let your employer know this is you intention a few months after baby is born.

In my case new mothers get 6 months paid maternity from my employer, my misses did 35 weeks of her 39 so I could of taken the remaining 4 weeks and got fall pay it, this is on top of the 2 weeks you get. HR don't like it and they don't advertise it, I only became away of it when I read an article in the paper about something like only 1-2% of fathers taken it up, by the time I found out I had missed the deadline.

Edited by PostHeads123 on Thursday 6th July 12:44

Edited by PostHeads123 on Thursday 6th July 12:45

I need to get my head around this, its not simple!

Plan is for my partner to have the first 9 months, and me the last 3. It doesn't help that my partner changed job before we found out, but after the deadline for full maternity leave, so my 3 months would be unpaid.

[Shakermaker]

thanks for all the replies so far!

Just over 16 weeks in now, wife had a check up appointment yesterday with the midwife to just see how she's doing - all is good, heartbeat is there etc. Baby sitting quite low apparently, which is fine, but a little more uncomfortable for my wife at the moment.

One frustrating thing is how the information she has been given is indeed very comprehensive about all the stages of pregnancy, all of the "what to do in this situation" type thing, plus of course, the leaflets on some of the potentially bad outcomes if the baby develops some syndromes etc. But what it misses, is practical information about what she needs to have prepared for each midwife appointment. Last time she went, she knew to expect some blood to be taken, but didn't get told about a urine sample she was meant to give etc. She then asked "What will I need next time?" and was told to bring said sample with her (or be prepared for one) but what she actually needed, was a complete family medical history check to be carried out for both of us - so without having any chance to prepare or find out from her mum, or more importantly know anything about my side of the family, she had to just say "she didn't know"
Fortunately, there isn't anything to worry about from my side of the family, but I don't think it is the kind of question you can expect to know off the top of your head about your other half's family history? It certainly isn't a topic of conversation that we have had - "Oh yes, great uncle Fred had the plauge, and then Aunt Flo had cancer, and my grandad who died 11 years before I was born had certain things"

Anyway - mostly just happy that all is going well.

Will make a start decorating the small bedroom soon whilst the weather is good and I can have decent access to it with natural light in the evenings still. Then will come the investigations into the car seat world etc...

[thainy77]

We have just under two months to go. My wife turns up at the doctors once a month, has a scan, gives a sample and that is it. It's simply turn up, all good, see you in a month.

If this was our first we'd be very concerned, no mention of antenatal or how to deal with certain scenarios etc. I'm not sure how first time parents deal with it over here if this is the norm.

Edited by thainy77 on Friday 28th July 14:28

[andy-xr]

The thing I found, and annoyingly it was from my Mum who I thought would know better, is that people stick their noses in with advice you didnt ask for on what you should be doing, and communicating indirectly, ie saying something aimed at parents to the child.

When it makes you feel like you're doing something wrong, it's absolutely fine to say so without fear of offending anyone. They either will be offended or they wont, and you dont control either but they likely need to stop as it can drive you insane.

Some family and friends can get a bit mental thinking they're helping but actually hindering, and when you're spinning a lot of plates at the same time you just need as easy a life as you can get. Dont be afraid to actively go that way.

[Vaud]

Make sure your wife has a detailed conversation with her consultant (at the right time, I think it is 30 weeks) about her birth plan (it will be automatic - especially if you are in a higher risk group)

Not just what the plan is, but also what the various outcomes are.

The birth plan will outline various scenarios and methods (home births, water births, induction and what it means, options around escalation to use of forceps/ventouse, c-section, etc etc etc)

Try to be there and understand as during the birth your wife will be nervous and probably in pain if contractions have started. you can then help her by reminding her what was agreed and you will be in a better position to support her. You can then read up on them.

The NHS talks a lot about natural births but the reality is many do need assistance or intervention...and then in the worst case, e.g. a crash c-section (and they are rare) you at least understand why they are doing things at pace, as a birth can change very, very quickly from "all is fine, just monitoring" to someone pressing a button and you are on a 20 min countdown for "this baby is coming out, now"... and your role is to be a "rock of calm and support" for your wife...

Not to scare you, but from experience understanding all of the birth options would have helped me. I was much better read-up as a dad second time round.

[Mark Benson]

SpeckledJim said:

I'll be the lone voice that says don't worry about routine.

We didn't with ours, and whilst friends were dashing about trying to fit everyone's life around The Routine, we just brought our kids with us and let them eat and nap as-and-when it was practical.

Life is complicated enough without having to design it to accommodate a number of additional fixed hard-points.

Just our experience, everyone will do it their own way.

The only routine we stuck to was bedtime, 7 o'clock on the dot to bed and NO leaving her room until we get her in the morning. She's 6 now and we have a lie-in whenever we want (in my wife's case, as often as possible )

NO trips to mum and dad's bed in the night (friends allowed this and now at the age of 6 their son still finds it hard to spend the night in his own bed).

I was away with work for a few days when ours was about 6 months and my wife decided to take the hit and tried controlled crying (ie. don't go in to her at night unless the cries are of pain or terror, rather than because she'd woken up) - took her 3 nights but ever since then ours has slept through the night.

When she wakes, she can play in her room or go on the tablet but no disturbing mum and dad unless it's an emergency.


Everything else - don't sweat it. Millions of humans have had babies before. We missed NCT because ours was early (10 weeks early) and the midwife told us everything we needed to know. Ante-natal classes tell you what will happen, but we went into it completely blind and the hospital staff guided us through perfectly well.

As others have said:

Lots of cheap baby clothes for changing when bodily fluid escapes.
A stash of clothes for a slightly older baby - everything you'll be given will be for newborns because they're cuter and everybody assumes that's what you need - we always buy friends clother for 4-6 months because we didn't manage to use all the cute dresses etc. for newborns we were bought.
Muslin cloths - 1 bale.
Wetwipes - many, many wetwipes.
Don't turn down second hand furniture and equipment until you've seen it - we saved £££s on a Mamas and Papas bedroom from friends of friends and everything was pristine. The Yorkshireman in me was very pleased with that one.
Breast is best but bottles are fine - if my wife's experience is anything to go by the breast Nazis will bully your wife into submission far beyond the point it's good for her - so help her resist if it really isn't happening.
Dads are irrelevent to the medical profession in the birthing process and beyond - be prepared to be ignored and focus on your wife's needs.

[Animal]

Very, very early days for us - only 5 weeks' gone.

Bookmarked this thread though!

[TwistingMyMelon]

Yep found out we have another on way a few weeks ago, already have 3 who are 3,17 & 18

Was a bit of a shock, we didnt want anymore but now really happy we have another as my youngest is getting a bit lonely @ 3 and our oldest is just off to uni!

Had our first scan this week all looked OK, but saw the consultant last week , as my partner is considered high risk we are going to need 8 more scans before the birth!!! 8 more scans!!!! Plus she has to go in for observation a few times

Had a scary incident a few weeks back, misses came home from work having lost a lot of blood, after 2 days & 8 hours waiting in casualty expecting a miscarriage all seemed ok via a scan

[Sargeant Orange]

My only advice is do what you think is best.

You and your partner will know the baby better than anyone and when things are right or wrong.

You just know.

[wiggy001]

Sargeant Orange said:

My only advice is do what you think is best.

You and your partner will know the baby better than anyone and when things are right or wrong.

You just know.

Just skimmed the whole thread and was about to post this. We have a 4 year old daughter and an 8 week old daughter. After our first we both felt under so much pressure to "conform" to what everyone was telling us, particularly the midwives who told us our baby was losing too much weight and we had to feed her every 2 hours around the clock, and that we were preparing the bottles incorrectly. We did as we were told for a few days and the stress was unbelievable (don't ever wake a sleeping baby to feed them. Ever!).

We swore blind we wouldn't allow ourselves to be put under so much pressure with our second but sure enough, a few days after birth and with a 13% drop in birth weight we were back in the hospital to be "monitored" (blood tests etc had already discounted anything untoward). When I realised all they were going to do was watch my wife to make sure she knew how to (bottle) feed our baby I politely told the consultant we were leaving and they were welcome to pop round for a cuppa the next day if they wanted to check up on us again.

Between now and the birth, don't ever feel awkward about calling the ante-natal department and asking for a checkup/monitoring if you feel anything is not 100% right. It is what they are there for. My wife was in a high risk group for various reasons and we were never made to feel anything but welcome if we called because the baby wasn't moving or just didn't feel "right".

Ante natal classes were useful (we didn't do the NCT ones, just the free ones) but we were told nothing about emergency C-sections, which is what we had with our first. As already said, that is a real TV moment where you're getting scrubbed as your wife is being wheeled down a corridor at speed, signing consent forms and having injections stuck in her spine at the same time. Second time, planned c-section, was much less stressful... I was surprised I was encouraged to take a camera for photos as my daughter was being pulled "out of the sunroof"! A... er... memorable experience!

Your parents might tell you of a time when the mum stays in hospital for days after the birth, and weeks after a c-section. Those days don't exist any more. Our second daughter was born at 12.18 lunchtime on Thursday and we were discharged at 10am the following day. So don't bother buying too many TV cards or a lot of grapes!

You mentioned about taking more than 2 weeks off. I would suggest you take 2 weeks paternity, go back to work for a bit then take a week or two holiday. After 2 weeks, all being well, your wife should be in a position to get into a routine (and that will be easier if you get "back to normal" too). You'll both get more pleasure/benefit from a fortnight off a few weeks later when she might need the break and you will cherish the time with your child more.

Lastly, everything you have read on this thread is correct. But the opposite to every comment is also correct.