A bit council (Vol 3)

[PositronicRay]

SlimRick said:

Dog Star said:

kowalski655 said:

How the hell do the airline justify£15k? The body is coming back in the hold,not first class FFS!

Monarch - the now defunct airline - bring a cat back with me from Malaga £505. Fare for me (one way) was £38. Eh?

I flew a horse from the UK to the USA a few years ago when we moved there. £5.5k door to door. Should've just taken the cat.

Pegaus? It's a long flight for a cat.

[davhill]

.:ian:. said:

Should have suggested they recreate Weekend at Bernie's

Or...

1: Bribe/pay someone on board to sit the body on one wheel of the undercarriage.

2: Ensure the u/carriage is deployed on final approach over the sea.

[kowalski655]

SlimRick said:

I flew a horse from the UK to the USA a few years ago when we moved there. £5.5k door to door. Should've just taken the cat.

Take both,cat...plus horse in tins as catfood

[The Mad Monk]

HTP99 said:

My retired mum very nearly went down the route of re-homing a foreign dog (she didn't want to due to how many home grown ones there are) as she was just so exasperated with the demands of the RSPCA to re-home a dog, in the end she managed to get a dog from a local, smaller shelter.

What for?

Why bother?

Repeat.

[austinsmirk]

I stood in a filthy house yesterday. the animal urine was flowing so much, it was like a stream running down their hallway.

steel capped dewalt safety boots are excellent for kicking dogs out of the way.

and standing in p i s s y homes.


I then had to follow a stinking hefalump, dressed in just a t-shirt and underwear upstairs.


trust me, no plumber/housewife fantasies here.

[S11Steve]

austinsmirk said:

I then had to follow a stinking hefalump, dressed in just a t-shirt and underwear upstairs.


trust me, no plumber/housewife fantasies here.

oh whoa wow wow hang on there a minute and don't be so quick to dismiss that thought.....

[wildoliver]

austinsmirk said:

I then had to follow a stinking hefalump, dressed in just a t-shirt and underwear upstairs.

trust me, no plumber/housewife fantasies here.

There are a couple of posters on here that would probably have a go on the dog never mind the heffalump.

[Barchettaman]

Is there some way of collating (and publishing) all of Austinsmirk’s tremendous contributions to this thread over the years?

Something along the lines of Crack Fox’s book?

I’d buy it!

[schmunk]

austinsmirk said:

I stood in a filthy house yesterday. the animal urine was flowing so much, it was like a stream running down their hallway.

steel capped dewalt safety boots are excellent for kicking dogs out of the way.

and standing in p i s s y homes.


I then had to follow a stinking hefalump, dressed in just a t-shirt and underwear upstairs.


trust me, no plumber/housewife fantasies here.

That's no way to talk about your mum...

[Bear-n]

Sean Marsden was having sex with Louise Gray when he heard a loud crack







https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mans-penis-s...

[V8mate]

Bear-n said:

Sean Marsden was having sex with Louise Gray when he heard a loud crack







https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mans-penis-s...

He doesn't look much bigger than a wine bottle himself.

[CharlesdeGaulle]

V8mate said:

Bear-n said:

Sean Marsden was having sex with Louise Gray when he heard a loud crack







https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mans-penis-s...

He doesn't look much bigger than a wine bottle himself.

These people have no shame. It's delightfully voyeuristic. A glimpse into Austin's life for those of us spared full-on council on a daily basis.

But snapping your cock has got to smart a bit, hasn't it?

[bobtail4x4]

keep the swelling but get rid of the pain?

[littlebasher]

[bern]

littlebasher said:

My home town. #soproud

[SimonTheSailor]

austinsmirk said:

I then had to follow a stinking hefalump, dressed in just a t-shirt and underwear upstairs.

She had underwear on ? Hardly council -in it ?

[Dog Star]

CharlesdeGaulle said:

These people have no shame. It's delightfully voyeuristic. A glimpse into Austin's life for those of us spared full-on council on a daily basis.

But snapping your cock has got to smart a bit, hasn't it?

Top marks to the bloke to be fair. She does look a bit on the filthy side (in a good way, not like that sofa and spare wheel pic).

[Frank7]

Dog Star said:

CharlesdeGaulle said:

These people have no shame. It's delightfully voyeuristic. A glimpse into Austin's life for those of us spared full-on council on a daily basis.

But snapping your cock has got to smart a bit, hasn't it?

Top marks to the bloke to be fair. She does look a bit on the filthy side (in a good way, not like that sofa and spare wheel pic).

Hands up everyone who, on seeing the photo, thought, Christ, he’s punching above his weight there, he must have hit the Lottery, but good luck to him, hope he’s back at it soon, albeit a tad cautiously.

[S11Steve]

Frank7 said:

Dog Star said:

CharlesdeGaulle said:

These people have no shame. It's delightfully voyeuristic. A glimpse into Austin's life for those of us spared full-on council on a daily basis.

But snapping your cock has got to smart a bit, hasn't it?

Top marks to the bloke to be fair. She does look a bit on the filthy side (in a good way, not like that sofa and spare wheel pic).

Hands up everyone who, on seeing the photo, thought, Christ, he’s punching above his weight there, he must have hit the Lottery, but good luck to him, hope he’s back at it soon, albeit a tad cautiously.

When I was at college, a bunch of us went out sharking. One lad, Martin, ended up with an absolute stunner in zebra pattern hot-pants & bra top, and knee high FMBs. Everyone was looking at her, and she knew it, and was loving it.

We all went back to the shared house, Martin and Zebra girl go upstairs, and the giggling starts, then the bed squeaking, then we started cheering them on from downstairs, then the shouting and gets louder, the squeaking faster, the cheering more raucous - standard student stuff.
Then a scream that I will never forget, the scream of a man/boy who had never encountered such horrific pain or distress, closely followed by zebra girl running out of the house in her underwear, trying to get dressed at the same time, crying and covered in blood.

4 of us rushed upstairs to find out what had gone on, only to find Martin lying on the bed, whimpering, with a blood soaked towel around his waist. "She's broken my cock - I think I've snapped my banjo string...."

Ambulance called, much hilarity and piss taking ensued, but to his credit as he was being carried to ambulance he shouts "Somebody find her and get her number - I'll need a rematch when it's fixed!"

[austinsmirk]

Barchettaman said:

Is there some way of collating (and publishing) all of Austinsmirk’s tremendous contributions to this thread over the years?

Something along the lines of Crack Fox’s book?

I’d buy it!

I keep thinking I could do some blog/FB group.

I did, in the 90's start writing a sit com based on real life. . (shameless beat me to it!!) what do you think to this, it is 100% real !!!!


I was sent to turn the fortunes round of this housing estate- when you consider this- what can you do but laugh. It's the 1990's.

I'm in a housing office, on a parade in a stone built 1930's ex shop. grills on windows. windows won't open.

office has been fire damaged. my throat hurts due to hangover of smoke. council won't decorate their own building- cost. its just been "washed down".

the receptionist has the best 1970's Pakistani comedy shopkeeper stereotype accent ever.

he works behind a glass screen (so violent is the estate). has hearing aids, but doesn't like to wear them. when he does they scream.

as does every person who come's in- trying to talk to him.

the other receptionist refuses to work at this physical office. so she's elsewhere, in another building. but you can never find her to take a call.

one issues is literally 100's of empty homes. My task is to solve this/let them

I discover the team of 4 officers- 3 white/one west indian are so racist they will not let a home to anyone coloured and certainly not Pakistani. guess what, that's the only people on the waiting list.

one of the women is so old, when she drives anywhere on the estate she goes at the speed of stirling moss, but bounces her car off every other car- totally oblivious !

the so called manager- was exactly "tim nice but dim". down to look and accent. he wrote letters so high brow- tnts couldn't understand them. they'd come in, asking for a translation.

the office took cash.

staff would stand with the back door wide open, safe wide open, for fag breaks. barely remembering ever to shut it. you might have £10k in there on a friday.

tnts would ride up to the office, bare back on horses and tether them. I keep saying we should have saloon doors.

people would park a car up and oblivious of us/cameras etc- youths would just smash them up

neighbouring houses had horses in their front gardens: in fact one morning, driving in at 7.00am - I swear a stampede of 20 odd loose horses charged down the street at me- I sounded my horn- they turned right and just smashed through some poor blokes garden, taking everything out.

the budget to repair and refit an entire void house was £300. you could give a bloke 20 sets of keys and say- right which house do you want !!


once, at about 9.00 am, a bloke came in- then a women, they were neighbours. he's just starting on a 3 litre frosty jack. 9.00 am.

they're fighting and screaming at each other.

Apparently- 8.00 pm, both watching Eastenders. His tv aerial falls off the roof.

he goes outside- yanks the brown co-ax from her house, through the window frame, causing her TV to fall.

stuffs it through his own window and tells her to F off.



Happy days.

having said all that- just dealing with the attempted murder of a tnt- 3 masked men kicked his door in and shot him. no one knows anything.