Men, Public toilets & loosing all control
Discussion
JohnStitch said:
Rawwr said:
I had to stop pushing and regain composure three times throughout the ordeal before it finally plopped out
It's not often I get the giggles from something I've read on the internet, but this really made me laughGood work there Rawwr.
I remember the cleaners coming in to the smoke room at the factory I worked at 20 years ago talking to each other with words like 'dirty b
ds' fking weirdos' and 'nothing to be proud of'.
On asking about the focus of their disgust, I was told to check out trap three in the gents.
Now trap three (out of five) was already notorious as it was the one opposite the entrance door and therefore generally used by those .....in a bit of a rush.
My curiosity was greeted by something the size of a full cucumber, and looked like the world's tallest man sat upright in a jacuzzi.
But the best thing was the piece of A4 folded in two on top of the cistern to make a sign announcing
ds' fking weirdos' and 'nothing to be proud of'.On asking about the focus of their disgust, I was told to check out trap three in the gents.
Now trap three (out of five) was already notorious as it was the one opposite the entrance door and therefore generally used by those .....in a bit of a rush.
My curiosity was greeted by something the size of a full cucumber, and looked like the world's tallest man sat upright in a jacuzzi.
But the best thing was the piece of A4 folded in two on top of the cistern to make a sign announcing
- FIRST PRIZE*
Some 15 years back I read a book by John Harding 'What we did on our holiday'.
Quite a thoughtful book, helping elderly, disabled/overweight parents; sad and thought provoking but also funny......this is from memory so not quite a word for word quote.
The narrator took his wife (desperate for a child), his (overweight) Mum & Dad (Parkinson's Disease) on holiday to Malta. Due to the medicine he'd been taking his Dad hadn't passed a solid for weeks. Eventually he produced a 'big nasty' that completely blocked the loo. The description read along the lines of 'like an iceberg with 90% below the water and something the thickness of a man's arm protruding - like an arm reaching up to hold Excalibur!'
The son couldn't flush the thing & just then a (young female) holiday rep came along to ask them how the holiday was going, just as she was leaving she said 'mind if I could borrow your loo' - the family heard a slight puff of wind and a gentle plop, before one flush, then another then another...... the rep rushed from the loo and ran away.
The son went in and spied her little 'floater' besides Dad's filthy largesse. "Obviously she had had a number two but claimed Dad's MONSTER as her own."
Made me laugh.
Quite a thoughtful book, helping elderly, disabled/overweight parents; sad and thought provoking but also funny......this is from memory so not quite a word for word quote.
The narrator took his wife (desperate for a child), his (overweight) Mum & Dad (Parkinson's Disease) on holiday to Malta. Due to the medicine he'd been taking his Dad hadn't passed a solid for weeks. Eventually he produced a 'big nasty' that completely blocked the loo. The description read along the lines of 'like an iceberg with 90% below the water and something the thickness of a man's arm protruding - like an arm reaching up to hold Excalibur!'
The son couldn't flush the thing & just then a (young female) holiday rep came along to ask them how the holiday was going, just as she was leaving she said 'mind if I could borrow your loo' - the family heard a slight puff of wind and a gentle plop, before one flush, then another then another...... the rep rushed from the loo and ran away.
The son went in and spied her little 'floater' besides Dad's filthy largesse. "Obviously she had had a number two but claimed Dad's MONSTER as her own."
Made me laugh.
HD Adam said:
A few from back in my offshore days.
We used to work on a rig and being the lowest of the low wireline scum, didn't get to stay inside the proper accomodation.
There was a big shabby Portacabin on the roof of the accomodation with 2, 4 man bedrooms and a shared toilet between them.
This portacabin always did smell a little funky because they didn't run the air-con when people weren't staying but one day we arrived on board, opened the door and were met by the most eye watering, gagging smell.
We left the door open for a bit to air it out then decided on a forensic search of the cabing to see if there was a dead seagull or something trapped in a vent or whatever.
A few minutes later there was a cry of "Urgh, dirty bds, I've found it" and looked out of the window to see one of the lads sprinting across the top of the accomodation with the toilet brush, holding it out like a stty Olympic torch.
Somebody had crimped off a monster, obviously tried to poke it around the bend and had failed miserably, leaving it impaled on the brush which had been returned back to the holder.
The scene could only have been improved if the chariots of fire music was playing as it got carried to the edge of the helideck to get launched like a stty German stick grenade.
On another small platform, as you got off the chopper, there was a sign saying "This way to the Admin office' or similar which is where you went and checked in, got your cabin assignment etc.
Arriving one day, the sign said "This way to the exhibit"
The sign led you down a few stairs, with a few more signs pointing the way until you reached the boot room toilets.
There in Trap 2 was probaly the biggest poop I've ever seen. It was labeled as Turdzilla.
Probably the diameter of the old Fairy Liquid bottles and jammed around the bend plus peeking over the rim.
Whoever layed it must have had to rise up as they shat and that one sat there all week as the cleaners and motorman refused to touch it.
Another one was when 5 of us got marooned for 3 days on one of the small unmanned sattelites off the appropriately named LOGGS platform because it was foggy.
The toilet packed up during this so people were going down to the lowest deck to crap through the grating into the sea below.
Inevitably, there was one enormous diameter and I mean huge turd left there that wouldn't go through the gaps.
Nobody would admit to it which left us all eyeing each other suspiciously like the scene from the Pink Panther.
We used to work on a rig and being the lowest of the low wireline scum, didn't get to stay inside the proper accomodation.
There was a big shabby Portacabin on the roof of the accomodation with 2, 4 man bedrooms and a shared toilet between them.
This portacabin always did smell a little funky because they didn't run the air-con when people weren't staying but one day we arrived on board, opened the door and were met by the most eye watering, gagging smell.
We left the door open for a bit to air it out then decided on a forensic search of the cabing to see if there was a dead seagull or something trapped in a vent or whatever.
A few minutes later there was a cry of "Urgh, dirty b
ds, I've found it" and looked out of the window to see one of the lads sprinting across the top of the accomodation with the toilet brush, holding it out like a stty Olympic torch.Somebody had crimped off a monster, obviously tried to poke it around the bend and had failed miserably, leaving it impaled on the brush which had been returned back to the holder.
The scene could only have been improved if the chariots of fire music was playing as it got carried to the edge of the helideck to get launched like a s
tty German stick grenade.On another small platform, as you got off the chopper, there was a sign saying "This way to the Admin office' or similar which is where you went and checked in, got your cabin assignment etc.
Arriving one day, the sign said "This way to the exhibit"
The sign led you down a few stairs, with a few more signs pointing the way until you reached the boot room toilets.
There in Trap 2 was probaly the biggest poop I've ever seen. It was labeled as Turdzilla.
Probably the diameter of the old Fairy Liquid bottles and jammed around the bend plus peeking over the rim.
Whoever layed it must have had to rise up as they shat and that one sat there all week as the cleaners and motorman refused to touch it.
Another one was when 5 of us got marooned for 3 days on one of the small unmanned sattelites off the appropriately named LOGGS platform because it was foggy.
The toilet packed up during this so people were going down to the lowest deck to crap through the grating into the sea below.
Inevitably, there was one enormous diameter and I mean huge turd left there that wouldn't go through the gaps.
Nobody would admit to it which left us all eyeing each other suspiciously like the scene from the Pink Panther.
'Turdzilla'
This thread has been superb, some of the stories remind me of this scene in Still Game
https://youtu.be/rMrSZ76tEnA
https://youtu.be/rMrSZ76tEnA
American toilets have a lot of water in them; the supportive nature of the reduced water surface to ring distance is particularly amenable to crimping off some impressive Cumberland sausage style creations. Perversely, they block like a bd and a certain hotel room was once left in a hurry.
d and a certain hotel room was once left in a hurry. Went to Skegness when I was a teenager with my mates, we didn't book any accommodation but I planned to sleep in the car so I drove it into a campsite so the car was off the main road.
So having been drinking all day I returned to my car and slept in it. But my mates chose to break into an empty static caravan and slept in that. One of them did a turd in the toilet and left it there. I like to thing it remained there for weeks before the owners returned to their caravan, only to discover a furry mouldy turd greeting them.
So having been drinking all day I returned to my car and slept in it. But my mates chose to break into an empty static caravan and slept in that. One of them did a turd in the toilet and left it there. I like to thing it remained there for weeks before the owners returned to their caravan, only to discover a furry mouldy turd greeting them.
I have to admit to leaving a massive wet turd (thick as your arm) in a cocktail bar / restaurant once (somewhere close to Southwark to remind myself to avoid in future) but it was under duress. Some mouthy lads had entered the toilet (no doubt the sort of wkers that you get at a birthday function) and one proceeded to bang on the toilet door saying he needed the bog and could i "get a move on". I tried to wipe my ass as quick as I could but that wasn't good enough for him so did a quick flush which did nothing but nicely soak the coil of bog roll which looked like the Andrew puppy had decided to run all over my sh8t. As I was freshening up I heard Mr Mouthy exclaim "OMG .. FFS . . jeez .. (scream)". Repeating this several His mate looked at me and shook his head a few times .. 
Think it was a rare occasion when I managed to have 3 curry meals in one day.
kers that you get at a birthday function) and one proceeded to bang on the toilet door saying he needed the bog and could i "get a move on". I tried to wipe my ass as quick as I could but that wasn't good enough for him so did a quick flush which did nothing but nicely soak the coil of bog roll which looked like the Andrew puppy had decided to run all over my sh8t. As I was freshening up I heard Mr Mouthy exclaim "OMG .. FFS . . jeez .. (scream)". Repeating this several His mate looked at me and shook his head a few times .. Think it was a rare occasion when I managed to have 3 curry meals in one day.Edited by fido on Tuesday 5th September 19:18
R1gtr said:
This thread has been superb, some of the stories remind me of this scene in Still Game
https://youtu.be/rMrSZ76tEnA
There was also the closing scene where Tam and Winston were fighting over the librarian and Winston sent Tam a book with the pages ut out and a turd insertedhttps://youtu.be/rMrSZ76tEnA
One of the best comedies going
The male loo on our garage forecourt got visited by a man mountain of an Irish labourer, he left a turd that resembled an 18" tree branch that went from the bottom of the bend past the rim and peared over the seat . He did this every day for two weeks then was never seen again .
I also experienced the poo thief, on jungle training you went into the bush dug a hole dropped a load then covered it over .
I dug the hole ,dropped what I thought was a substantial load , turned to cover it but nothing there !
Turns out the bandit would watch for somebody doing the walk into the bush , follow them and creep up and slide a shovel under the bomb doors and then withdraw it as his victim finished .
Some people are wierd !
I also experienced the poo thief, on jungle training you went into the bush dug a hole dropped a load then covered it over .
I dug the hole ,dropped what I thought was a substantial load , turned to cover it but nothing there !
Turns out the bandit would watch for somebody doing the walk into the bush , follow them and creep up and slide a shovel under the bomb doors and then withdraw it as his victim finished .
Some people are wierd !
I used to work with a chap who had a poo once a week.
He made some joke in the office about "you lads always being on the toilet" to which someone replied that they always went every morning, every day, like clockwork. He expressed genuine surprise at this regularity, and said he only went once a week, and thought that was normal.
He looked quite embarrassed by the end of the conversation when he learned that pretty much everyone except him had a poo every day.
I can't imagine what state his bowels would have been in.
He made some joke in the office about "you lads always being on the toilet" to which someone replied that they always went every morning, every day, like clockwork. He expressed genuine surprise at this regularity, and said he only went once a week, and thought that was normal.
He looked quite embarrassed by the end of the conversation when he learned that pretty much everyone except him had a poo every day.
I can't imagine what state his bowels would have been in.
I've worked in manufacturing factories for the majority of my career so I have a few tales.
The earlier poster claiming the womans is worse is spot on IME. At my current place of work during a meeting the operations manager, in a professional manner declared that toilet hygiene had to improve. Cleaners complaining, what would visiting guests think, etc. We assumed it was the smelly gents being referred to, in fact it was in the ladies that somebody had taken a dump in the middle of the floor.
I've worked besides guys who would take their entire 30min tea break in one of the cubicles. Every day seen heading into the gents with a drink, piece box and a paper.
The place I worked at approx 20 years ago had the best stories however. The toilet set up was, there were toilets for the office folk and then a bigger separate block for the operators on the line. One weekend shift we had a skeleton crew in and I nipped into the bigger block, which I had never used before. The graffiti was hilarious. There was the usual football and religion topics covered but there was also a very explicit and descriptive drawing detailing the drug fuelled sex antics of one of the supervisors.
There was also the home and mobile numbers for the operations manager inviting people to phone him. Apparently he was getting hundreds of calls calling him a at all times of the day and night.
One day in the same factory I was out on the line and I could sense something was going on. I enquired what was up to be told everybody was going for a look at the specimen in the toilet. Naturally I assumed the gents only to find out in fact in was the ladies. Somebody had deposited a massive load and folk were going in to see it. It was the first time I had heard the phrase 'like king kongs finger'. The supervisor appears on the line only to find production all but stopped as folk were heading off to see the eighth wonder of the world.
The earlier poster claiming the womans is worse is spot on IME. At my current place of work during a meeting the operations manager, in a professional manner declared that toilet hygiene had to improve. Cleaners complaining, what would visiting guests think, etc. We assumed it was the smelly gents being referred to, in fact it was in the ladies that somebody had taken a dump in the middle of the floor.
I've worked besides guys who would take their entire 30min tea break in one of the cubicles. Every day seen heading into the gents with a drink, piece box and a paper.
The place I worked at approx 20 years ago had the best stories however. The toilet set up was, there were toilets for the office folk and then a bigger separate block for the operators on the line. One weekend shift we had a skeleton crew in and I nipped into the bigger block, which I had never used before. The graffiti was hilarious. There was the usual football and religion topics covered but there was also a very explicit and descriptive drawing detailing the drug fuelled sex antics of one of the supervisors.
There was also the home and mobile numbers for the operations manager inviting people to phone him. Apparently he was getting hundreds of calls calling him a
at all times of the day and night.One day in the same factory I was out on the line and I could sense something was going on. I enquired what was up to be told everybody was going for a look at the specimen in the toilet. Naturally I assumed the gents only to find out in fact in was the ladies. Somebody had deposited a massive load and folk were going in to see it. It was the first time I had heard the phrase 'like king kongs finger'. The supervisor appears on the line only to find production all but stopped as folk were heading off to see the eighth wonder of the world.
OpulentBob said:
Frank7 said:
A tad went in the bowl, but the greater part went all over the seat and the floor.
Even with the worst bouts of Immodium-free Delhi Belly, in 50 degree heat in the middle of India, having had nothing but dodge-city Chicken Curry and glasses of rainwater from roadside shacks, I have never even been close to stting on the floor/seat of a bog. It's not that difficult to use a toilet, surely??? (Unless you were about 3 and couldnt reach the seat, in which case forgiven)
Women are just as bad ... becomes stuck after failing to toss a log out the window on a 1st date !
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-41167...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-41167...
jonny142 said:
Women are just as bad ... becomes stuck after failing to toss a log out the window on a 1st date !
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-41167...
Best headline ever.http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-41167...
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