If PistonHeads was a hotel...
Discussion
PH Hotel rules
RESTAURANT
1) Breakfast, lunch, and dinner will only be served during term time. Any requests for meals outside of term time will be denied, on the basis that "yep, it's the school holidays [rolleyes emoticon]". Do not feed the trolls.
2) Sausages will only be served frozen. Hammers are available upon request from reception.
3) You can request any drink you like, but we only serve Red Bull. Any empty cans that are not thrown in anger will be considered litter.
4) All desserts are served with custard. Birds custard. We have pictures on the menu to prove this.
CAR PARK
1) All parking is at owner's risk (especially customers with Golf Rs and Audi S3s).
2) Peugeot owners are not permitted to use the PH Hotel car park (with the exception of the sainted 205 GTi, 106/306 Rallye, or the much spanked over 306 GTi-6, which is [INSERT SUPERLATIVE HERE]).
3) Anyone with a "smoker barge" valued at more than £5k will be banned from using the car park.
4) Valet parking is provided by SantaBarbara. Please do not tip the bot.
PUBLIC AREAS
1) Guests at the PH Hotel are actively encouraged to tell other guests they are talking absolute rubbish. They are further encouraged to engage in a war of words until a member of staff (Mod) request they cease and desist. At this point, it is common practice for PH Hotel guests to begin a new conversation, asking other PH Hotel guests why they were cut down in their prime.
2) The main topic of conversation throughout the hotel is "which car should I buy?". The answer is always Volvo V70, Mazda MX-5, or Golf R (leased, natch). Any other answers provided are likely to be discarded by the PH Hotel guest asking the original question, on their way to the local VW dealership.
... Please feel free to add further rules.
RESTAURANT
1) Breakfast, lunch, and dinner will only be served during term time. Any requests for meals outside of term time will be denied, on the basis that "yep, it's the school holidays [rolleyes emoticon]". Do not feed the trolls.
2) Sausages will only be served frozen. Hammers are available upon request from reception.
3) You can request any drink you like, but we only serve Red Bull. Any empty cans that are not thrown in anger will be considered litter.
4) All desserts are served with custard. Birds custard. We have pictures on the menu to prove this.
CAR PARK
1) All parking is at owner's risk (especially customers with Golf Rs and Audi S3s).
2) Peugeot owners are not permitted to use the PH Hotel car park (with the exception of the sainted 205 GTi, 106/306 Rallye, or the much spanked over 306 GTi-6, which is [INSERT SUPERLATIVE HERE]).
3) Anyone with a "smoker barge" valued at more than £5k will be banned from using the car park.
4) Valet parking is provided by SantaBarbara. Please do not tip the bot.
PUBLIC AREAS
1) Guests at the PH Hotel are actively encouraged to tell other guests they are talking absolute rubbish. They are further encouraged to engage in a war of words until a member of staff (Mod) request they cease and desist. At this point, it is common practice for PH Hotel guests to begin a new conversation, asking other PH Hotel guests why they were cut down in their prime.
2) The main topic of conversation throughout the hotel is "which car should I buy?". The answer is always Volvo V70, Mazda MX-5, or Golf R (leased, natch). Any other answers provided are likely to be discarded by the PH Hotel guest asking the original question, on their way to the local VW dealership.
... Please feel free to add further rules.
MorganP104 said:
PH Hotel rules
PUBLIC AREAS
1) Guests at the PH Hotel are actively encouraged to tell other guests they are talking absolute rubbish. They are further encouraged to engage in a war of words until a member of staff (Mod) request they cease and desist. At this point, it is common practice for PH Hotel guests to begin a new conversation, asking other PH Hotel guests why they were cut down in their prime.
2) The main topic of conversation throughout the hotel is "which car should I buy?". The answer is always Volvo V70, Mazda MX-5, or Golf R (leased, natch). Any other answers provided are likely to be discarded by the PH Hotel guest asking the original question, on their way to the local VW dealership.
... Please feel free to add further rules.
3) Part of the hotel terms and conditions are that every person that visits must have a dash cam fitted to the front and rear of their vehicle before they leave so that this footage can be broadcast directly to one of the many 42" T.V's at the hotel. The purpose of this is to allow the guests staying in the hotel to critique every single aspect of your driving while you are away so that upon your return you can be handed a 100 page document on how you indicated 0.3 seconds later than they would have and that is why you were cut up.PUBLIC AREAS
1) Guests at the PH Hotel are actively encouraged to tell other guests they are talking absolute rubbish. They are further encouraged to engage in a war of words until a member of staff (Mod) request they cease and desist. At this point, it is common practice for PH Hotel guests to begin a new conversation, asking other PH Hotel guests why they were cut down in their prime.
2) The main topic of conversation throughout the hotel is "which car should I buy?". The answer is always Volvo V70, Mazda MX-5, or Golf R (leased, natch). Any other answers provided are likely to be discarded by the PH Hotel guest asking the original question, on their way to the local VW dealership.
... Please feel free to add further rules.
4) You are not allowed to stay in the hotel unless you have paid off your mortgage, the reason being that if you haven't paid off your mortgage then 98% of your disposable income must be spent on over payments of said mortgage leaving you just enough to buy seeds for sustenance. The quicker you can get this paid off the better as once you do you attain the holy grail of all Pistonheaders and transcend to a state called 'Mortgage Free' once in the 'Mortgage Free' state of being you are become far more knowledgeable about all financial matters and it is your duty to inform anyone who isn't following the 'Path' that they are doing life wrong.
Would the hotel be able to get a pool put in in less than 3 weeks?
Given the general reaction to PH website improvements over the years (remembering the P&P and new skins kerfuffle), I guess that the residents would claim that the pool would be empty of water and full of beds and the rooms bedless but full of water after a few years' hard graft.
PS. Can PHs search function find the hotel?
Given the general reaction to PH website improvements over the years (remembering the P&P and new skins kerfuffle), I guess that the residents would claim that the pool would be empty of water and full of beds and the rooms bedless but full of water after a few years' hard graft.
PS. Can PHs search function find the hotel?
A mild-mannered guest would quietly report to reception that the TV in his room didn't appear to be working.
Overhearing this, another guest would politely ask if he'd checked if it was plugged in and switched on at the mains.
Two more guests would tell him not to bugger about with the mains and if he'd checked the TV had been tested in accordance with regulations.
Four other guests would then wade in and point out he doesn't own the TV, it's not his responsibility and leave it the f
k alone.
Another six then join in asking if the kettle works and that it's more than likely a fault with the wiring and sockets rather than the TV itself.
Original construction drawings and wiring diagrams would then be spread out in the foyer, culminating in a 30 man mass brawl spreading out into the car park.
A 200 metre trench would then be dug from the main building to the road, resulting in the entire hotel complex being disconnected from the National Grid.
ETA: The original guest would by now have slipped away into obscurity, wondering how he'd managed to cause so much trouble and wishing he'd never bothered making a complaint in the first place.
Overhearing this, another guest would politely ask if he'd checked if it was plugged in and switched on at the mains.
Two more guests would tell him not to bugger about with the mains and if he'd checked the TV had been tested in accordance with regulations.
Four other guests would then wade in and point out he doesn't own the TV, it's not his responsibility and leave it the f
k alone.Another six then join in asking if the kettle works and that it's more than likely a fault with the wiring and sockets rather than the TV itself.
Original construction drawings and wiring diagrams would then be spread out in the foyer, culminating in a 30 man mass brawl spreading out into the car park.
A 200 metre trench would then be dug from the main building to the road, resulting in the entire hotel complex being disconnected from the National Grid.
ETA: The original guest would by now have slipped away into obscurity, wondering how he'd managed to cause so much trouble and wishing he'd never bothered making a complaint in the first place.
Edited by Bomma220 on Tuesday 24th October 00:21
White cars would be branded racist by the parking guardians.
The underground car park would be lit by Bob with his bulb on a stick.
The grounds would gently reek of cheap sausages.
A Dodge Ram V10 would be parked in the "family" space, with 300bhp/tonne arguing that it is the perfect family car
An otherwise agreeable bar is ruined by arguments as to whether it's "council" or not
The underground car park would be lit by Bob with his bulb on a stick.
The grounds would gently reek of cheap sausages.
A Dodge Ram V10 would be parked in the "family" space, with 300bhp/tonne arguing that it is the perfect family car
An otherwise agreeable bar is ruined by arguments as to whether it's "council" or not
There'd be a complaint from one guest that he'd had to walk 3 feet out of his way and encountered a slight delay due to a bicycle leaning up against the hotel entrance. The cycle owner woukd respond calling him a liar and say that the parking provision for cycles was completely unacceptable and not fìt for use so it was his right to leave it where he liked. He then went on to demand special check in facilities for cyclists including separate queues. Later when such facilities had been provided he just went to the front of the motorist queue, because he could. A mass roaming and never ending brawl would now start with various contestants joining and leaving as desired. Motorbikers would look on and then decide to go for a full English while the restaurant was quiet.
Edited by FiF on Tuesday 24th October 07:11
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