If PistonHeads was a hotel...

[Johnnytheboy]

Certain people, whenever the price of a room was mentioned, would compare it to the price of a luxury room 20 years ago, and say they'd rather have that.

[Sheets Tabuer]

There would be hours of confusion followed by asking for advice as to which watch to give wrist time in the bar.

[guindilias]

Dogs are permitted, but only in pairs with their tails tied together.

[FiF]

Dread to think what would happen in the event a load of dropside Transits and twin axle caravans occupied the car park.8

[55palfers]

The published hotel postcode wouldn't appear on sat-nav
There would be no space in the room to allow guests to get past the TV.
The TV remote would be powered by Lithium ion batteries
Every member of staff would be an Oxbridge graduate.
You'd need to spend two hours on Pillowheads asking for advice on pillows.
The room would be too hot and reception would "just" need to get the aircon regassed.
There would be an interesting chat with housekeeping enquiring what cleaning materials they favoured and what particular product they used for getting tough skid marks off the pan.
Food and wine would have to be sent back at least 3 times
There would be no coffee you liked
The room would only cost £10 a night but after 3 years you'd get a bill for £200.
When you checked out you'd have to hang around for half an hour whilst someone with a clipboard and digital camera would inspect your room.
You'd then be further delayed by a circular discussion on what constitutes fair wear and tear.
Someone would have bumped your car in the car park

[guindilias]

Homes, Garden and DIY forum regulars will be allocated rooms with non-working showers - in order to fix it, they will be required to source a long discontinued part, at an exorbitant price.
These rooms will also come equipped with a switch that appears to do nothing, and a blown light bulb with a previously undocumented fitting. This fitting was only used for a short time, in Manila, in the 1970s.

[guindilias]

There may also be a "Flat roof challenge" for residents of the above rooms, involving fitting a flat roof with free choice of materials - this will be tested at the end of the challenge by a Niagara Falls like deluge of water followed by a simulated "hot day in Dubai" heat test. Listeners will judge the roof on any cracking noises, should the participant choose to use fibreglass as the material for "their" roof.

[Fermit The Krog and Sexy Sarah]

For the first two weeks attending you'd only be allowed to frequent the carpark, the restaurant or the smoking area.

There after, and only then would you be allowed access to the bar and bedrooms.

[mike80]

Instead of a Bible there would be one of these in each room.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B002RI9PPY/ref=mp...

[Nickbrapp]

Everyone would pay with a AMEX gold card, but make sure you pay off the balance in full the next month, other wise that’s concidered the never never and that would mean a life time ban

The bar would have loads of cat 6 points and all the customers would be online checking their investments and paying down their mortgage and bullying the millennial Bar boy while talking about smashing the back doors in on the MILF head of housekeepers, despite being a fat discussing man that’s own wife won’t even touch him because he’s SO boring talking about his investments, the PCP model ruining the world and putting down anyone that rents a house despite having a substantial BTL portfolio that he’s just about to pull the trigger on more of.

Everything in the hotel would be second hand when the hotel bought it, because only morons buy brand new things

Edited by Nickbrapp on Tuesday 24th October 09:41

[Todd Bonzalez]

A crotchety old man is stting all over the place and screaming about how women can't be trusted but it's considered normal and everyone just side steps him uncomfortably.

[JuniorD]

There would be an informal dining room called Alan's which serves bar snacks.

[AW111]

I would set up a dispensery in the car park selling :

Spray on mud for the FFRR crowd.

Rare gasses for tyre filling (hydrogen for the lowest unsprung weight.

120 octane fuel.

And the full range of KaleCo Auto accessories.
http://kalecoauto.com/

[55palfers]

One I forgot.

Unless your shoes cost more than £500 the hotel will refuse to polish them.

[Shakermaker]

At what point will a member come along and proclaim to have found a long-lost room with no key to it somewhere in the building which they want to open up?

They will then spend several months telling people they are going to open the room and asking for advice, everyone will give advice, including "calling a professional locksmith" and "drilling a small hole and poking a camera in" - none of which will be done.

They will then check out without paying their bill, saying goodbye or ever opening the room, but every so often someone new will find the room and ask if the original guest ever got it opened, causing a flurry of people go get excited and then quickly angry at nothing actually having been done.

[Todd Bonzalez]

There's a guy with a 90s 320d hanging round the rich kids telling everyone to leave them alone and that the meritocracy is real and they're genius'.

[Todd Bonzalez]

A lot of the rooms are subtly decorated bright red with white circles that have some kind of symbol in the centre.

[KrazyIvan]

There would be a group of Muppets in the corner of the bar all laughing amongst themselves while randomly shouting, "Can of redbull", "Frozen sausages","Sky Fairy","Smash her back doors in" ect, while everyone else just shakes their head.

[Fermit The Krog and Sexy Sarah]

Every now and again someone would show up wearing a mask and cloak. They'd go on to say that whilst they're a regular they have a problem, and they want to go incognito.

[Biker's Nemesis]

The penthouse suite would be called the OXO Tower.