Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.
The dockhand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”
“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”
“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dockhand.
“I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor.
The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.”
After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said.
Sighing, the deck hand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”
The dockhand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”
“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”
“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dockhand.
“I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor.
The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.”
After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said.
Sighing, the deck hand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”
dirty boy said:
An Irishman finds a sandwich at a bus stop with two red wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says "Help me, bejesus. I've found a sandwich that looks like a bomb". The operator says, "IS IT TICKING?" . He says, "NO I TINK ITS BEEF!".
Is it the same Irishman who went into a pub and asked for a pint.Barman said "Whitbread"
He says "No tank you, just on its own"
Vipers said:
Is it the same Irishman who went into a pub and asked for a pint.
Barman said "Whitbread"
He says "No tank you, just on its own"
Thats the old joke about Seb Coe and his athletic chums having fish and chips for their tea, they realise there is something missing, the door bell ringsBarman said "Whitbread"
He says "No tank you, just on its own"
Seb says - Ah no problem, here is Fatima Whitbred.
Robbo 27 said:
Vipers said:
Is it the same Irishman who went into a pub and asked for a pint.
Barman said "Whitbread"
He says "No tank you, just on its own"
Thats the old joke about Seb Coe and his athletic chums having fish and chips for their tea, they realise there is something missing, the door bell ringsBarman said "Whitbread"
He says "No tank you, just on its own"
Seb says - Ah no problem, here is Fatima Whitbred.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one of them looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland '.
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'.
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?'.
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am'.
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'.
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town'.
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?.
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course'.
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?.
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964'.
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'.
About this time, Paddy walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Mick, the bartender, walks over to Paddy, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight'.
Paddy asks, 'Why do you say that, Mick?'.
'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
After a while, one of them looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland '.
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'.
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?'.
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am'.
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'.
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town'.
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?.
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course'.
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?.
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964'.
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'.
About this time, Paddy walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Mick, the bartender, walks over to Paddy, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight'.
Paddy asks, 'Why do you say that, Mick?'.
'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
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