Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
except it was on here not too long ago.UK Winter Fuel Allowance
About this time of the year, older UK citizens will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to British pensioners
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.
About this time of the year, older UK citizens will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to British pensioners
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:
- If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg
- If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
- If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland.
- If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
- If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
- If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.
- If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria
- If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
- If you buy a luxury car it will go to Italy or Germany
- If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.
^^^ See - that's not so much a joke as a truism.
I'm still puzzled about the Oxfam kerfuffle. If you were, say, Haiti and just had some disaster, isn't it "good" if loads of people come from overseas and ply prostitutes with money to get the economy kick-started. Minimal infrastructure problems, money directly into the local economy, happy aid workers.... where's the problem?
I'm still puzzled about the Oxfam kerfuffle. If you were, say, Haiti and just had some disaster, isn't it "good" if loads of people come from overseas and ply prostitutes with money to get the economy kick-started. Minimal infrastructure problems, money directly into the local economy, happy aid workers.... where's the problem?
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
Vipers said:
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
Very good!
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