Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[MartG]

Little 'Emily was at Her first wedding and was amazed at the whole ceremony. 'When it was over, she asked her mother "'Why did she change her mind?" Her mother asked her, "what do you mean?" Emily said "she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."

[Scotfox]

tezzer said:

She's just parted her fringe, right ?

[MartG]

Yup - Mickey is getting on a bit...

[Vipers]

I said to my doctor, "I’ve got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yes, I'm definite."

[Doofus]

Vipers said:

I said to my doctor, "I’ve got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yes, I'm definite."

Very good

It took me a moment or two...

[The Dangerous Elk]

Vipers said:

I said to my doctor, "I’ve got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yes, I'm definit."

ftfy

[Ultra Sound Guy]

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss. He gave me some medicine and told me to put 2 drops in my beer. I've been doing it for 5 days now and I really haven't noticed a difference.

[Vipers]

Doofus said:

Vipers said:

I said to my doctor, "I’ve got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yes, I'm definite."

Very good

It took me a moment or two...

Me as well.

[Stan the Bat]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss. He gave me some medicine and told me to put 2 drops in my beer. I've been doing it for 5 days now and I really haven't noticed a difference.

That took a moment as well.

[K12beano]

Vipers said:

Doofus said:

Vipers said:

I said to my doctor, "I’ve got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "Yes, I'm definite."

Very good

It took me a moment or two...

Me as well.

You're coming through all muffled there. Herring, you say?

[K12beano]

At least KFC have come up with a practical answer to their problems with DHL

They've got a secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Courier...... .....and they don't have to change all their signs after all.

[motco]

K12beano said:

At least KFC have come up with a practical answer to their problems with DHL

They've got a secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Courier...... .....and they don't have to change all their signs after all.

There is no bloody courier, that's the problem!

[MartG]

motco said:

K12beano said:

At least KFC have come up with a practical answer to their problems with DHL

They've got a secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Courier...... .....and they don't have to change all their signs after all.

There is no bloody courier, that's the problem!

The new contract is with DHL, who undercut the previous specialist food distribution company. I wonder how much the cheap option has cost KFC ?

[iwantagta]

MartG said:

The new contract is with DHL, who undercut the previous specialist food distribution company. I wonder how much the cheap option has cost KFC ?

I bet DHL are going to be the ones ponying up £££££ over this

[deeen]

K12beano said:

At least KFC have come up with a practical answer to their problems with DHL

They've got a secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Courier...... .....and they don't have to change all their signs after all.

Nor do their couriers, "Deliver Half my Lunch"

[Vipers]

While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."

[MartG]

I started a new job today, delivering for Amazon. When I got to my first address there was a note on the door:

"Dear Mr Delivery man, sorry we're out, please hide in garage"

That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me...

[davhill]

If I had an iguana...



I'd call it Don...

[Sticks.]

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself 'this is the last thing I need'.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Dishes
Dishes Who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

[Robster]