Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[glenrobbo]

I still don't see what sponge pudding has to do with trifle?

And a spotted dick or a jam roly-poly won't make you deaf.




But then, I am a bit mutton.

[Tony 1234]

MartG said:

Prince Charles and Camilla were spending their wedding night at Windsor Castle,the Queen and Prince Phillip were also staying there.

Prince Charles is sat on his bed when Camilla comes up to him and asks"I say Charles,could one help me off with my boot,as they are so tight!!"
"Of course my dear"He replies.

After much pulling and twisting they don't manage to get it off. Camilla,then starts to howl,"Come on Charles,its soo tight and it hurts,get it over with!!!"
The Queen upon hearing this,turns to Phillip and says"See Phillip,i told you she was still a virgin!!!"
After managing to get the first boot off,Camilla shouts at Charles"Now you have do my other one and thats even tighter!!!"
Phillip looks at the Queen and with a wry grin says" See Liz,once a Navy man,always a Navy man!"

[Vipers]

MartG said:

We're about to have a bad spell of wether.

Bet some will miss that, good one

[MartG]

Vipers said:

MartG said:

We're about to have a bad spell of wether.

Bet some will miss that, good one

You should see the FB post I stole it from - maybe 1% of people got the joke, the rest went off ranting about spelling/education etc. - definitely a shortage of whoosh parrots now

[MartG]

[MartG]

[Vipers]

I shouldn't but had a chuckle.

[Tony 1234]

Vipers said:

I shouldn't but had a chuckle.

Very good

[MartG]

A Priest and a Hindu are having breakfast.
The Priest suddenly shout’s out " look I can see Jesus in the margarine"
The Hindu looks for a second shakes his head and says
" I can't believe it’s not Buddha"

[LoonyTunes]

[Laurel Green]

[MartG]

Remember to keep your pets inside in this weather...

If you get snowed in for an extended period, it makes them easier to catch when you run out of food.

[motco]

Vipers said:

MartG said:

We're about to have a bad spell of wether.

Bet some will miss that, good one

[davhill]

The wife was complaining of a stomach ache earlier.

She seemed upset when I asked which of the four was hurting.

Edited by davhill on Wednesday 28th February 19:54

[AstonZagato]

A Russian, living under Stalin, was one of the party faithful. He'd worked hard, never complained and spouted the right political slogan's. He was, after 20 years of Stakhanovite labour, allowed the huge honour of being able to buy a Lada. He went to the factory with his purchase permit.
"Congratulations, Comrade. We will build the car for you in due course. You will have it in ten year's time."
"Ten years?"
"Yes, Comrade. The glorious revolution means this is the greatest car factory in the world. It will be a fine car and worth the wait."
"Will it be in the morning or afternoon?"
"It's in ten years time. Why do you care?"
"Because my new washing machine is being delivered that morning."

[MartG]

[FlyingFin]

Vipers said:

Punchline I remember is this.

Jerry "Two Martinis please landlord"

Landlord "Dry".

Jerry, "No, two"

You've not seen the Great Escape then....

[K12beano]

Uxbridge English Dictionary, new entry:

“Caveats”

= tiny, tiny headgear to keep sturgeon eggs warm in this cold weather

[Ultra Sound Guy]

MartG said:

A Priest and a Hindu are having breakfast.
The Priest suddenly shout’s out " look I can see Jesus in the margarine"
The Hindu looks for a second shakes his head and says
" I can't believe it’s not Buddha"

Why would a Hindu say that?

[Doofus]

K12beano said:

Uxbridge English Dictionary, new entry:

“Caveats”

= tiny, tiny headgear to keep sturgeon eggs warm in this cold weather

Did you make this one up?

Ahh, bless...