Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
AstonZagato said:
A Russian, living under Stalin, was one of the party faithful. He'd worked hard, never complained and spouted the right political slogan's. He was, after 20 years of Stakhanovite labour, allowed the huge honour of being able to buy a Lada. He went to the factory with his purchase permit.
"Congratulations, Comrade. We will build the car for you in due course. You will have it in ten year's time."
"Ten years?"
"Yes, Comrade. The glorious revolution means this is the greatest car factory in the world. It will be a fine car and worth the wait."
"Will it be in the morning or afternoon?"
"It's in ten years time. Why do you care?"
"Because my new washing machine is being delivered that morning."
"Congratulations, Comrade. We will build the car for you in due course. You will have it in ten year's time."
"Ten years?"
"Yes, Comrade. The glorious revolution means this is the greatest car factory in the world. It will be a fine car and worth the wait."
"Will it be in the morning or afternoon?"
"It's in ten years time. Why do you care?"
"Because my new washing machine is being delivered that morning."
very good
Five year old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to answer, his mom tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. At dinner he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
Justin didn’t forget. At dinner he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
EUROPEAN PIPE SPECIFICATION EN-5875
1.All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.
2.All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3.The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4.All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5.All pipe should be supplied without rust, this can be readily applied at the job site. Note; some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is a recommended thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6.All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7.Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.
8.All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
9.Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10 When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-handed or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11.Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12.All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13.All pipes shorter than 1/8" (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14.Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those for
compressed air, however, need only to be air tight.
15.Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or terra-cotta pipes, however.
16.Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
1.All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.
2.All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3.The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4.All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5.All pipe should be supplied without rust, this can be readily applied at the job site. Note; some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is a recommended thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6.All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7.Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.
8.All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
9.Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10 When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-handed or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11.Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12.All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13.All pipes shorter than 1/8" (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14.Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those for
compressed air, however, need only to be air tight.
15.Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or terra-cotta pipes, however.
16.Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
Alpacaman said:
Five year old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to answer, his mom tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. At dinner he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
On a similar vein (!)Justin didn’t forget. At dinner he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
Little Johnny asks his mum 'Mum, when do I grow my second willy?"
"What are you talking about, you don't get two willys!" She says.
"Dad has two" Says Johnny; "One he does a wee through and big one he cleans Aunty Jane's teeth with".
StevieBee said:
Alpacaman said:
Five year old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to answer, his mom tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. At dinner he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
On a similar vein (!)Justin didn’t forget. At dinner he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
Little Johnny asks his mum 'Mum, when do I grow my second willy?"
"What are you talking about, you don't get two willys!" She says.
"Dad has two" Says Johnny; "One he does a wee through and big one he cleans Aunty Jane's teeth with".
simonrockman said:
Gary Oldman is younger than Gary Newman
Indeed, by a couple of weeks; guessing you mean this chap, though? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_NumanGassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff