Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Reminds me of another old one.
A chap is out in his Reliant Robin when it breaks down. He's stuck by the side of the road when a Ferrari pulls up. The Ferrari owner offers to tow him to the next town so he could find a garage to fix it.
"Yeah, but your car is too powerful - it will go far too fast for my Robin"
"It'll be fine. Just flash your lights if I'm going too quickly and I'll slow down"
With that agreed, they pull onto the A road. It is all going perfectly until a Porsche blasts past the Ferrari. The Ferrari driver forgets his situation and roars after the Porsche. They thunder past a police car.
The copper radios his superior officer. "Sarge, I'm in pursuit of speeding drivers. There's a Porsche and a Ferrari doing 100mph on the A3 and still accelerating. But the thing you won't believe is that they are being chased by a Reliant Robin and he's flashing for them to get out of his way."
A chap is out in his Reliant Robin when it breaks down. He's stuck by the side of the road when a Ferrari pulls up. The Ferrari owner offers to tow him to the next town so he could find a garage to fix it.
"Yeah, but your car is too powerful - it will go far too fast for my Robin"
"It'll be fine. Just flash your lights if I'm going too quickly and I'll slow down"
With that agreed, they pull onto the A road. It is all going perfectly until a Porsche blasts past the Ferrari. The Ferrari driver forgets his situation and roars after the Porsche. They thunder past a police car.
The copper radios his superior officer. "Sarge, I'm in pursuit of speeding drivers. There's a Porsche and a Ferrari doing 100mph on the A3 and still accelerating. But the thing you won't believe is that they are being chased by a Reliant Robin and he's flashing for them to get out of his way."
which in turn reminds me of another joke:
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope persists, ''Please?''
The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.''
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''
Chief: ''Like the president?''
Cop: ''More.''
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?''
Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope persists, ''Please?''
The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.''
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''
Chief: ''Like the president?''
Cop: ''More.''
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?''
Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''
simoid said:
Vipers said:
An old one springs to mind.
A middle aged man, recently retired decides to splash out on a Ferrari.
He takes it out for a spin on the motorway, merrily cruising along at 90, suddenly he hears the sound of a police siren, looks in his mirror and sees a police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He accelerates to 120 leaving the police car behind.
Within minutes he hears the familiar sound of a police siren again, looks in the mirror and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He accelerates to 160 mph, leaving the police car behind, a few minutes later he hears the familiar sound of the police siren, looks in the morrow and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He thought “I am too old for this, so slows down and pulls over”.
The police car pulls up behind him, the police man approaches the driver and says “Sir, I have had a very long and tiring day, I am off duty in 30 minutes, if I book you it will take me about two hours to complete all the paper work, so if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding, I may think about letting you off”
The man says “I am very sorry, but 10 years ago my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back”
He let me go on my way.
Missing something Shirley.A middle aged man, recently retired decides to splash out on a Ferrari.
He takes it out for a spin on the motorway, merrily cruising along at 90, suddenly he hears the sound of a police siren, looks in his mirror and sees a police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He accelerates to 120 leaving the police car behind.
Within minutes he hears the familiar sound of a police siren again, looks in the mirror and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He accelerates to 160 mph, leaving the police car behind, a few minutes later he hears the familiar sound of the police siren, looks in the morrow and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He thought “I am too old for this, so slows down and pulls over”.
The police car pulls up behind him, the police man approaches the driver and says “Sir, I have had a very long and tiring day, I am off duty in 30 minutes, if I book you it will take me about two hours to complete all the paper work, so if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding, I may think about letting you off”
The man says “I am very sorry, but 10 years ago my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back”
He let me go on my way.
Edited by Vipers on Monday 30th April 14:32
That's akin to the cyclist that kept overtaking a sports car. The driver of the car wasn't impressed with being overtaken by the cyclist so kept overtaking the cyclist.
When both were stopped at the traffic-lights, the car driver inquired as to why the cyclist kept overtaking him? The cyclist replied "I've caught my braces on your wing mirror".
When both were stopped at the traffic-lights, the car driver inquired as to why the cyclist kept overtaking him? The cyclist replied "I've caught my braces on your wing mirror".
AstonZagato said:
Reminds me of another old one.
A chap is out in his Reliant Robin when it breaks down. He's stuck by the side of the road when a Ferrari pulls up. The Ferrari owner offers to tow him to the next town so he could find a garage to fix it.
"Yeah, but your car is too powerful - it will go far too fast for my Robin"
"It'll be fine. Just flash your lights if I'm going too quickly and I'll slow down"
With that agreed, they pull onto the A road. It is all going perfectly until a Porsche blasts past the Ferrari. The Ferrari driver forgets his situation and roars after the Porsche. They thunder past a police car.
The copper radios his superior officer. "Sarge, I'm in pursuit of speeding drivers. There's a Porsche and a Ferrari doing 100mph on the A3 and still accelerating. But the thing you won't believe is that they are being chased by a Reliant Robin and he's flashing for them to get out of his way."
A chap is out in his Reliant Robin when it breaks down. He's stuck by the side of the road when a Ferrari pulls up. The Ferrari owner offers to tow him to the next town so he could find a garage to fix it.
"Yeah, but your car is too powerful - it will go far too fast for my Robin"
"It'll be fine. Just flash your lights if I'm going too quickly and I'll slow down"
With that agreed, they pull onto the A road. It is all going perfectly until a Porsche blasts past the Ferrari. The Ferrari driver forgets his situation and roars after the Porsche. They thunder past a police car.
The copper radios his superior officer. "Sarge, I'm in pursuit of speeding drivers. There's a Porsche and a Ferrari doing 100mph on the A3 and still accelerating. But the thing you won't believe is that they are being chased by a Reliant Robin and he's flashing for them to get out of his way."
simoid said:
Vipers said:
An old one springs to mind.
A middle aged man, recently retired decides to splash out on a Ferrari.
He takes it out for a spin on the motorway, merrily cruising along at 90, suddenly he hears the sound of a police siren, looks in his mirror and sees a police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He accelerates to 120 leaving the police car behind.
Within minutes he hears the familiar sound of a police siren again, looks in the mirror and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He accelerates to 160 mph, leaving the police car behind, a few minutes later he hears the familiar sound of the police siren, looks in the morrow and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He thought “I am too old for this, so slows down and pulls over”.
The police car pulls up behind him, the police man approaches the driver and says “Sir, I have had a very long and tiring day, I am off duty in 30 minutes, if I book you it will take me about two hours to complete all the paper work, so if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding, I may think about letting you off”
The man says “I am very sorry, but 10 years ago my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back”
He let me go on my way.
Missing something Shirley.A middle aged man, recently retired decides to splash out on a Ferrari.
He takes it out for a spin on the motorway, merrily cruising along at 90, suddenly he hears the sound of a police siren, looks in his mirror and sees a police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He accelerates to 120 leaving the police car behind.
Within minutes he hears the familiar sound of a police siren again, looks in the mirror and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He accelerates to 160 mph, leaving the police car behind, a few minutes later he hears the familiar sound of the police siren, looks in the morrow and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.
He thought “I am too old for this, so slows down and pulls over”.
The police car pulls up behind him, the police man approaches the driver and says “Sir, I have had a very long and tiring day, I am off duty in 30 minutes, if I book you it will take me about two hours to complete all the paper work, so if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding, I may think about letting you off”
The man says “I am very sorry, but 10 years ago my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back”
He let me go on my way.
been married for 15 years and lived in the same place and one day the wife runs off with the next door neighbour.
I will miss him he was a lovely fella....
On the subject of car jokes.
Car breaks down driver pulls onto the hard shoulder. Another car pulls up behind him, driver gets out and asks if he can be of any assistance.
Guy says "What do you know about cars"
"Nothing", he says "I am a chiropodist"
Guy says "Well give can you give me a tow"
Car breaks down driver pulls onto the hard shoulder. Another car pulls up behind him, driver gets out and asks if he can be of any assistance.
Guy says "What do you know about cars"
"Nothing", he says "I am a chiropodist"
Guy says "Well give can you give me a tow"
Vipers said:
On the subject of car jokes.
Bloke gets banned from driving but still needs to be able to get to work, so he looks in the classifieds and finds a massive chicken for sale, with a cart.He has a test drive and it's really quick, so he buys it.
One morning he's going down the motorway, the harness breaks, the chicken runs off and the cart crashes.
The police turn up and say Have you broken down sir?
He says yes, my big 'en's gone.
(possibly Tommy Cooper c1970)
Man wins the lottery and decides to buy a car. Goes to car showroom where the salesman quickly establishes that he can't actually drive. Suggests the man tries a motorcycle instead. So he goes to the motorcycle showroom where, again, it's established he can't ride a motorbike either. So the salesman directs him to a bicycle shop where, after a quick trial, it's established that riding a bicycle is also beyond him. The salesman suggests a hoop and stick would be a good idea. So the man buys a hoop and stick and goes out for a run, stopping off at a pub for lunch and a couple of pints. Comes out to find his hoop and stick, which he'd left leaning against the wall, has been stolen. Goes back into the pub and is bewailing his loss. The barman establishes that the hoop and stick is insured and tries to console the poor man that his loss will be made good.
"Never mind all that", says the man, "how am I going to get home?"
"Never mind all that", says the man, "how am I going to get home?"
Borrowed from The Trumpton Establishment:
Dear the teecher,
Please excuse The Donald from school today because he has his period which is a thing. A real thing, but not a sick thing because he never gets sick. Ever. Period. And did I tell you how smart he is? The smartest. He has all the smarts. More than all you dumbass teechers put together. Period!!!! And handsome. And pretty. The prettyist. Let me tell you, everyone says I'm the prettyist. Everyone. And smart. But not sick. Not ever. Don't even think that.
Yours Truly,
The Donald's Mom.
P.S. Did I tell you how smart he is? The smartest. That's what. Everyone says so. Period!!!!!!!!!
Dear the teecher,
Please excuse The Donald from school today because he has his period which is a thing. A real thing, but not a sick thing because he never gets sick. Ever. Period. And did I tell you how smart he is? The smartest. He has all the smarts. More than all you dumbass teechers put together. Period!!!! And handsome. And pretty. The prettyist. Let me tell you, everyone says I'm the prettyist. Everyone. And smart. But not sick. Not ever. Don't even think that.
Yours Truly,
The Donald's Mom.
P.S. Did I tell you how smart he is? The smartest. That's what. Everyone says so. Period!!!!!!!!!
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