Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
k Hall. A zoo had two gnus, a male and a female.
It soon became apparent that the female gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took its first wobbly steps around the enclosure.
One day it became apparent that the young gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little gnu died. The female gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died.
This greatly affected the male gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male gnu died.
Well, that's the end of the gnus, now here's the weather.....
It soon became apparent that the female gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took its first wobbly steps around the enclosure.
One day it became apparent that the young gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little gnu died. The female gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died.
This greatly affected the male gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male gnu died.
Well, that's the end of the gnus, now here's the weather.....
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day
after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about
a half a million Euros?.
"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day
after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about
a half a million Euros?.
"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"
Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
..... In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna f***in' die.'
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
..... In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna f***in' die.'
Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come upon a clearing and see an abandoned well.
Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... '
SPLASH!!!!
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'
'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
The farmer says, ‘Because all my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.’
And for V.
O’Brian and Murphy looked embarrassed at their error.
Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... '
SPLASH!!!!
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'
'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
The farmer says, ‘Because all my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.’
And for V.
O’Brian and Murphy looked embarrassed at their error.
phazed said:
Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come upon a clearing and see an abandoned well.
Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... '
SPLASH!!!!
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'
'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
The farmer says, ‘Because all my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.’
And for V.
O’Brian and Murphy looked embarrassed at their error.
The formula is actually half the acceleration (32 feet per second per second) multiplied by the square of the time which I reckon makes it 144 feet deep, minus a bit for wind resistance. What Murphy and O'Brien have calculated is the final velocity of the log. Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... '
SPLASH!!!!
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'
'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
The farmer says, ‘Because all my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.’
And for V.
O’Brian and Murphy looked embarrassed at their error.
Use a kitten next time (but allow for greater wind resistance).
Halmyre said:
The formula is actually half the acceleration (32 feet per second per second) multiplied by the square of the time which I reckon makes it 144 feet deep, minus a bit for wind resistance. What Murphy and O'Brien have calculated is the final velocity of the log.
Use a kitten next time (but allow for greater wind resistance).
Ah Ha! The old Gypsy trick of tying a goat and a kitten together, it's what they do when they've run out of dogs!Use a kitten next time (but allow for greater wind resistance).
Talking of dogs - I taught my dog to play the trumpet and then put him on the Tube. He went from Barking to Tooting in 20 mins.
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