Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
We had a pet rabbit that got it's back feet jammed in the door while we were cleaning it's hutch out. Two of it's toes were amputated, one from each foot but thankfully the vet managed to reattach them.
Unfortunately he put them back on the wrong feet and the poor thing died from mixamatoesis.
Unfortunately he put them back on the wrong feet and the poor thing died from mixamatoesis.
Monkeylegend said:
We had a pet rabbit that got it's back feet jammed in the door while we were cleaning it's hutch out. Two of it's toes were amputated, one from each foot but thankfully the vet managed to reattach them.
Unfortunately he put them back on the wrong feet and the poor thing died from mixamatoesis.
I made a grilled cheese sandwich for my other half and i had a grilled ham.Unfortunately he put them back on the wrong feet and the poor thing died from mixamatoesis.
She accidentally grabbed and ate the ham and she died of mixing-my-toasties.
PixelpeepS3 said:
I made a grilled cheese sandwich for my other half and i had a grilled ham.
She accidentally grabbed and ate the ham and she died of mixing-my-toasties.
I always preferred the much more painful version....She accidentally grabbed and ate the ham and she died of mixing-my-toasties.
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?".
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman".
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"
Smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you"
To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your
public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"
The rabbit says, "Yes I know".
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".
The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"NO!" said the barman, "what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
"Mixin'-me-toasties".
Vaud said:
PixelpeepS3 said:
I made a grilled cheese sandwich for my other half and i had a grilled ham.
She accidentally grabbed and ate the ham and she died of mixing-my-toasties.
I always preferred the much more painful version....She accidentally grabbed and ate the ham and she died of mixing-my-toasties.
Still makes me chuckle now
A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
Brief version of shaggy dog story.
A very short knight has a dog to ride because he's too small for a horse.
<loads of rubbish about going off on a quest and despite terrible weather not being able to get a room for the night in a castle>
Knocks on a castle door, someone opens it and says "Come in, it's not fit for a Knight to be out on a dog like this"
A very short knight has a dog to ride because he's too small for a horse.
<loads of rubbish about going off on a quest and despite terrible weather not being able to get a room for the night in a castle>
Knocks on a castle door, someone opens it and says "Come in, it's not fit for a Knight to be out on a dog like this"
PixelpeepS3 said:
The Dangerous Elk said:
mattyn1 said:
A local joke:
How do you know when a Camborne girl has had an orgasm?
She drops her chips!
old old old ESSEX girl jokes should be banned How do you know when a Camborne girl has had an orgasm?
She drops her chips!
"I wannnnnnnaaa goooo lakeesiddddeeeee..."
A bus shelter.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball
Or alternatively:
You cant fit an Essex girl inside a bowling ball.
captain_cynic said:
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball
Or alternatively:
You cant fit an Essex girl inside a bowling ball.
After sex what would she say ?You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball
Or alternatively:
You cant fit an Essex girl inside a bowling ball.
Do you all play for the same team ?
That said, the only Essex girl I "knew" could suck a bowling ball through a straw
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